SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am about 2.5 years from d-day. Was on the road to healing but my H did something impulsive, not infidelity related, that derailed trust building about 4-5 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been stuck in a cycle of negative emotions worried that his impulsivity (a lifelong struggle) is going to make me unsafe forever and lots of trauma reexperiencing. I’m working on this in IC.

But that leads me to communication. About 1-1.5 years ago my H stopped bringing up the A and checking in on me like he had been. He was better healed and ready to move forward. I was not. When I talk to him about anything relationship related, he often gets worked up and defensive (but never defensive about infidelity, mostly about why I am disappointed in communication). Since then we have been in repeated cycles of me being hurt he doesn’t listen to me about how I am feeling, check in with me, etc., him then apologizing, us processing in MC, him promising to better, him doing better, then back to the beginning of the cycle.

It has gotten to the point where over time I have stopped opening up to him because I feel worse, not better, when I do. We address this in MC as well, I am told to try to open up, and we start the above cycle again. I am still hurting and just feel alone in my suffering now because I don’t feel I can talk to him.

I believe he wants to listen and be supportive and he is always receptive to MC. We’ve addressed the roots of this in him (shame and fear) and he has addressed some in IC (not enough IMHO). He has direction to ask me how I am doing and if I want to talk several times a week indefinitely. He does it for a week or two and then no more.

Example, after the recent incident that I felt damaged trust, I tried to talk to him about how it is making be downward spiral, and the few attempts I made he did a terrible job of letting me be heard and I had to shut down the conversation each time to prevent escalation. At one point I approached him and very seriously told him I was thinking about divorce. I feel very alone and if that is the way its going to be, I’d rather just actually be alone. He was terribly sad and scared to hear this, but a good conversation ensued for once, and he followed up a few times, but I am very fragile at the moment and having a hard time opening up still and did not feel able to talk about it at those moments. I just couldn’t go through any more failed attempts at showing my heart and hurt to him. That was about 10 days ago and not one attempt from him to check on my well being or revisit the fact that he knows I am thinking about divorce and feeling scared to open up to him.

Has anyone dealt with similar issues? It is maddening to me because we have the same conversation between us and in MC about being there for me and not leaving me alone in life raft to save myself. To me, it doesn’t seem that hard of a thing to do but as time goes on I become more and more closed off. He just goes about his normal days while I am constantly in my head feeling terrified and hurting and contemplating divorce. This endless cycle is really bringing me down and feel my only choices are to remain emotionally isolated or leave the marriage.

Recognize the cheater is only capable of offering so much support and healing. That is a fact whether the cheater is doing a great job or not.

My H tried to do his best but honestly, it didn’t seem to be enough.

Until I decided to take charge of my recovery and healing from his affair. I think it’s a crazy cycle we, as the betrayed, get into. We are expecting the person who caused the trauma to help fix and mend the betrayed.

You keep trying to get something your husband cannot give. You say he tries for a few weeks then he stops. That’s a very telling sign.

I think you should stop looking to him for support. The day I decided to stop looking to my H as my BFF etc is the day my life changed for the better. I had a counselor that I relied on to heal.

When I try to talk to my H about things to try and plan or ask his opinion, I get "I don’t know" and it’s end of conversation. So I make my own decisions and if he doesn’t like it, too bad.

I suggest your out an end ti your frustration and disappointment by stop trying ti get your H ti be something he is not. Thereafter you need to figure if you ultimately want to stay in a marriage where you are not fulfilled.

But for now, accept him for who he is and move on. You will see how much happier you can be.

Thank you. This gives me a lot to think about. While I know I am responsible for healing myself, I wonder if I really am practicing that.

For five years, maybe a little less than that, I’ve been asking my wife to initiate conversations about the affair. I’ve told her if she doesn’t, then it feels to me like she is just hoping I’ll never bring it up again and we can just move on as if it didn’t happen.

She just cannot consistently do it. I’ll point out that this thing that’s important to me she isn’t doing, and then she’ll do it for a week, maybe, and then nothing until the next dustup.

It’s disheartening.

I feel your pain.

...my H did something impulsive, not infidelity related, that derailed trust building about 4-5 weeks ago. Since then I’ve been stuck in a cycle of negative emotions worried that his impulsivity (a lifelong struggle) is going to make me unsafe forever and lots of trauma reexperiencing. I’m working on this in IC.

You are working in IC on your feelings, reaction, trauma.

What is your H doing to actually become a safer person in your relationship--a person who does not act impulsively?

...him promising to better, him doing better, then back to the beginning of the cycle.

To me, there is a division between doing your work to heal yourself and also (separately) coming to grips with what you need from a committed relationship.

From my perspective, you aren't asking for the moon in any way. You are asking for your spouse to show empathy for your pain and fear. You are asking him to show support through regular communication, which is healthy in a marriage--even if your spouse is "further along" in their healing process.

His promises to do better in MC seems to indicate that he agrees he should be more communicative and supportive. If that's true, then why is he showing himself to be emotionally unsafe by not following through with his word? If he doesn't really believe he should be offering support and is just paying lip service to it in MC, then he isn't being truthful in MC, and is, again, being usafe emotionally by not being honest.

I do believe that a BS must work to heal and that WS cannot do this work.

Yet, a WS must support a BS, not just because they are betrayed, but because they are a spouse--a partner in life, freely chosen and freely committed to.

Is your H capable of being the spouse you need? Is he demonstrating this?

Wideoldfool-Yes, I am sorry you find yourself in this pain too. I feel like my H is still so deep in his shame that he is desperate to get to a time when we don’t talk about it and feel like it never happened too. And I don’t need to talk about it often, but I am still healing and it is still a present issue for me. But I am desperate to get to a time when I feel healed and I’d like to know he is going to help me carry the pain some while I work to heal myself. Our MC supports me in this.

BreakingBad-Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

What is your H doing to actually become a safer person in your relationship--a person who does not act impulsively?

He’s spent a lot of time working on the why and long standing unhealthy patterns and upholding personal boundaries, which I do see has brought about lots of positive changes. And addressing impulsivity with his ADD. I feel like he was very gung ho for a long time in IC, but as he started feeling better has not been as all in. There is obviously still more layers here to address and part of me feeling safe is knowing he will proactively continue to address these things.

His promises to do better in MC seems to indicate that he agrees he should be more communicative and supportive. If that's true, then why is he showing himself to be emotionally unsafe by not following through with his word? If he doesn't really believe he should be offering support and is just paying lip service to it in MC, then he isn't being truthful in MC, and is, again, being usafe emotionally by not being honest.

This is the part I don’t understand that is so frustrating to me. I believe he is truthful that he wants to do better and he constantly feels disappointed in himself. So why not just do better? I know there is a big shame component here he is struggling with. But just like he can’t heal me, I can’t fix that in him.

Is your H capable of being the spouse you need? Is he demonstrating this?

This is the ultimate question. After going through this cycle so many times, I am not sure he is capable. Which is why I’ve been thinking of D more and more. I am sure he is exhausted by all the pain on both sides and the ups and downs of R. So am I. But it feels like he is just burying his head int he sand sometimes. I can’t feel safe with that and am obviously powerless to fix it.

I am working in IC right now about clearly identifying my needs primarily for myself, but also so they are communicated.

[This message edited by IAF7 at 5:10 AM, Tuesday, February 21st]

I could have written this same thing. I’m so glad that I am not the only one experiencing it.

My husband asks if I’m working on my internal stuff to heal as if I am not doing my work. Well when I expressed how 3 major trigger’s happened within the last week that triggered me that I worked through without spiraling and going completely crazy he just grabbed me and hugged me and said he was so sorry.

I know he is remorseful.
When we get into this spiral with him not bringing it up I’m immediately confronted with the phrase in my head- "you can’t heal in the same place that caused the pain" which means to me that no matter what work he does I have to lick my own wounds and figure out what I need to heal……he asks me what he can do and I honestly don’t know what he could do except never cheat again and to be committed and loyal to our marriage be a safe partner etc….. but I know I’m REALLY asking him to take the pain away….make it never have happened-

howcthappen-I am sorry yu find yourself in a similar place. It is exhausting I know. A year ago I feel like I was in a better place than I am now, and it is just such a roller coaster.

Dr. Phil has a saying...We teach people how to treat us. When I looked back on our M...I could see where I did just that. I wasn't a "high maintenance" wife. In fact...I often bragged about what a CHEAP date I was. Yep...he sure learned to treat me like I was CHEAP!

When my H confessed to his A...all of that went out the window. I became a very HIGH MAINTENANCE wife...and HE put me there!!! HE was going to FIX THIS!!! He would do the same thing as your H all of our M...work on something...then just let it go after a few weeks. After Dday...I was relentless with making sure my H kept up with his promises. It was EXHAUSTING for both of us.

After some thought...I realized that I needed words of affirmation from my H. I wanted to know what HE was feeling towards me...how he felt about what he did to me...and if he really understood my pain. But I WANTED him to come up with this ON HIS OWN!!! It was a vicious cycle.

Then I thought about what Dr. Phil said about me TEACHING my H how to treat me. I told my H my feelings...and he understood where I was coming from. I KNEW that he "got it"...but he didn't seem to "get" when I needed to hear from him. He said there were times when I would get aggravated about him bringing up the A...or telling me what he was feeling. I understood that too. It was new territory we were in...and honestly...neither of us knew how to navigate through it.

One day I told him that when I said, "Say something"...that was his cue that I needed to hear from him. This was a HUGE turning point for us! It was still awkward at first...because he would immediately say, "I love you". I told him that he said this to me throughout his A...those words didn't mean much to me. I wanted to know what he FELT at that point when I said those words.

In time...and patience on both of our parts...we started to learn from each other. I learned that when my H was pensive and distracted...it wasn't because he was thinking about his A and what he gave up to be with me. That was actually all made up in MY head. He was wondering if I was going to leave him most of the time...and it would make him sad. That was actually all made up in HIS head!!! By telling him to "Say something"...it brought him to focusing on the present...and what he truly FELT. I would then tell him how I was feeling.

NOW...we practice thankfulness! Every day we tell each other what we are THANKFUL for with each other! It is truly amazing how just changing perspectives can change our whole attitudes!! Every once in a while I still say, "Say something"...but it is now with a happy feeling because I KNOW how my H FEELS toward me...toward US. BTW...this "thankfulness" came about when a BW wrote about something she and her WH had learned in MC. Their counselor asked them to write down three things they were thankful for about their spouse...and they would discuss it the next week. They liked it so much that they kept it up! I also have to say that this couple is no longer together...but what they wrote on here has helped me and my H tremendously!

Do you think that this is something that may help y'all? It may not be the same words...or it may not be words at all. Maybe just a touch from you on his arm...shoulder...or somewhere else will let him know you NEED to hear whatever it is YOU need. The same can go for him too. Getting away from the past...where shame and guilt live...and moving forward toward the future...where there is HOPE...can make a world of difference!

Want2bhappyagain-Thank you for your message. I like the idea of telling him "say something". We used to tell each other we were thankful for the other. Now, H is still telling me regularly he is thankful for me. I am not saying it anymore because I am not feeling thankful. But I have been working in IC a little bit to identify positives he brings to the marriage without letting it all be squashed by the negative thoughts I am experiencing.