SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TW: talks about non-consensual sex.
My partner and I have been together for a short time— we met over a year ago, started dating, I moved in and found out I was pregnant two months after meeting him. I see how it was irresponsible of me to let it all occur so quickly but I am here now and need advice on this messy dynamic involving cheating. We have a three month old daughter we love dearly.

In the beginning of our relationship, he went on a trip and was drunk and took a girl back to his hotel room. He didn’t tell me about this until I was seven months pregnant and he felt obligated to because the girl accused him of sexual assault and he needed to go into the station to get his DNA swabbed. I forgave him. He showed remorse then but now when I bring it up, he takes no accountability for cheating because he "felt" like he wasn’t in a relationship with me. We lived together and I was pregnant, and he made me think we were on good terms, I genuinely thought we were solid. But according to him, he was having doubts about me because I am "awkward" with him, I show no affection first and I am a more reserved person so he thought it was okay to pursue other girls behind my back.

This part is important because he blames me for his homelessness and claims I can’t give him grief for being romantically involved with another girl when I "left him behind" and she offered him a place to stay. His homelessness started when he was threatened with eviction in May of last year for not paying rent (he signed the lease thinking that he would receive rental assistance to cover it). We decided to move out and applied to a new apartment thinking that we would secure it but ran into some issues when he submitted fake bank statements. I had to move back in with my mom and he had to sleep in his car or crash at a friend’s place. He tried to convince me to apply elsewhere but I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea anymore. I didn’t qualify for most of the luxury apartments he wanted to live in if it were only me applying and he didn’t have the credit nor any verifiable income for us to get approved together. He took it as me letting him be homeless and since then, he’s accused me of being the reason he is still homeless. He has a narrative that his life is ruined because of me, that I was a terrible girlfriend at the time because I let him sleep in his car some nights. That I had savings so I should have gotten us a place because I was in a better financial position than he was. I had offered to pay for a room so he can live with other roommates and he refused. To appease him, I applied to apartments even though I felt cornered into doing so but I was denied. I didn’t want him to sleep in his car so for about two months, I spent over $3000 on hotel rooms for us. He still hated me because I couldn’t get us an apartment and because he felt I didn’t care about him enough. I personally feel like I did care, I spent my money, time, and energy on him and I would neglect my own health while pregnant but I can’t make him see that. We then just decided that it would be a good idea for me to get university family housing; couples with a dependent qualified for an apartment at my university. So he agreed to save money and crash at a friend’s place for the rest of the summer until school started in the fall for me. Unfortunately, I had to defer school for a year because I ended up getting diagnosed with mild preeclampsia and was in and out of the hospital. We lost the apartment so we have both been staying at my mom’s place. I got accepted for a different apartment three weeks before my due date but I realize it is not a good idea to sign, it was super expensive and an hour away from my family, it made me anxious and I backed out. He had just told me about the cheating and potential sexual assault case, I felt like I couldn’t trust him financially (what if he ends up in jail) and I didn’t feel comfortable paying the entire rent on my own. Till this day, we argue a lot because he thinks I don’t try hard enough to secure a place for us. I truly did want to live with him and am hopeful that I can move out of my mom’s small place but there is always trouble following him…

I have always felt like he talks to girls on Instagram, always felt like he acts inappropriately. There’s been instances where he gets defensive when I ask who a certain girl that appears on his DMs is and later see they no longer follow each other. It’s like he blocks the girls and deletes the evidence. He eyes other women and admits to that, saying that I don’t meet his needs and that I don’t take care of myself so he has a right to admire other girls’ beauty. During the summer, he even followed two sex workers.

Last week, the wife of one of his best friends called me and said she found a tinder account on her husband’s phone that supposedly belongs to her husband AND my partner. The bio says something like "Very very discreet, We are two male bestfriends!!!! We are both straight but we understand each other energy and can satisfy girls together…" She sent me screenshots between her husband and other tinder girls, describing him and my partner, trying to arrange a time for a threesome. I confront my partner and he denies everything, tells me to block his friend’s wife. He sounded strange and I didn’t believe him. He goes to work and assured me he was never behind this tinder account. He said he knew about it and his friend jokingly said they were going to look for girls to have a threesome with but he told his friend to keep him out of it. I call his friend’s wife again and ask her for more details and I randomly felt the need to ask her about a girl my partner used to follow on Instagram. She tells me, "I am so so sorry but he was seeing her and spending nights with her last summer while you were pregnant."

My heart sank when I found out. I had a gut feeling that something was going on with this specific girl. I had asked him about it months before and he had just said it was someone who would sell him edibles. I called him and he at first said he crashed on her couch for three nights. Then he says he slept on her bed and they cuddled, but nothing else. That she liked him. How he was able to open up to her. How she showed him actual love and gave him hugs and made him breakfast, gave him weed, how she was once homeless too so she knew how he felt. She knew about me, how I was pregnant but he said she didn’t see me as his girlfriend. He said that he felt like he had no girlfriend at the time in July because I was okay with him occasionally sleeping in his car or crashing at his friend’s place. That this girl offered him a home. How he hated me at the time and how he complained about me to everyone. He does not feel bad for making me think we were still in a relationship in July. He lied to me telling me he was always at his other friend’s place but he was actually at her place instead. He never brought her up to me. There was a week that he was distant and mean to me in July, I assume it was because he was orchestrating fights with me so that he can spend time with her. I am going through our messages and there was no indication of us ever breaking up. But he says otherwise. That he is a free soul and can do whatever he wants. This is actually the first time I hear that we were apparently not together in July. He said he made it seem like we were together because he was scared I would block him and not let him see the baby; I thought we were together but having issues (him calling me names and ignoring me). He would still take me out and introduce me as his girlfriend, he would still call me babe. I remember having an anatomy scan during that week and going alone. He was with her that day. He doesn’t feel bad about this because he thinks I should be grateful that he ultimately chose me over her even after I supposedly didn’t care about him and made him homeless. He says he is still so much better than me as a person because he would have never let me sleep in my car if I were the one kicked out of my apartment. How if I truly loved him, I would be happy that he wasn’t sleeping in his car when he stayed at her place.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t want to be a bad person.

How on earth are you a bad person?

Listen I'm not usually this blunt but this relationship sounds toxic. On his part. Yes he is manipulating you and abusing you as well (emotionally). He is chipping away at your self esteem and has wormed his way into your head turning everything around and upside down.

He's a serial cheater. He has not been faithful to you probably ever and I doubt he ever will because he doesn't show one bit of accountability for his actions. Hell, for his own life.

You do not owe him housing. You do not owe him financial support. You owe him nothing. He is the father of your child so that is important but that does not mean you have to be in a relationship with him.

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

I’m sorry; I can’t manage anything but bluntness. Drop this guy. Do not interact with him any more than you need to in order to co-parent. He’s a nightmare mess, and this is a toxic relationship. Build your own life away from this person; he’s providing nothing of value to your life.

He’s a manipulative take no responsibility and blame everyone and everything else for my problems.

🚩. Fake bank statements

🚩. He expected you to get an apartment

🚩. He blames you for his affair

🚩. He lies and cheats with no remorse

He sounds like he is more work than your beautiful new baby.

I’m sorry you’re going through this! I have to be flat out blunt with you because there’s just no easy way to say this! Yes - he is manipulative, toxic, emotionally abusive - what kind of father is he? Does he support the baby? Does he have a job? I’m sorry but this story started off bad and just kept getting worse and worse. Why are you worried about feeling like a bad person? He’s blamed all his life’s ills on YOU. He takes zero responsibility for his actions, his behavior, his life situation. He’s lied to you over and over. And what do you mean you don’t know how to deal with this? It’s crystal clear that he’s using you - what if you DO get housing? In your heart of hearts do you honestly think he’ll change? You know the answer to that. So ask yourself - how much are you willing to continue to give of yourself to this man? How much are you willing to take energy away from your beautiful baby to give to this ungrateful shit? He doesn’t respect you. So you need to cut him out of your life - like yesterday. He’s toxic, a cancer. He’s no good for you OR for your baby. Go back and read your post - if that was someone writing all that and sent that to you, what advice would you give? His behavior is atrocious! And did he assault this other woman? Again- is this the kind of man you want in your life and your child’s life? Is he trying to change? Sounds like that’s a no. He’s out there creating tinder profiles with his buddy so they can set up threesomes. And when he’s caught - he LIES and said it was a joke. I’m sorry who’s laughing? He’s a coward - he is doing all this behind your back and when confronted he just lies. Can’t even be man enough to own it. Get rid of this man - he is proven that he’s unworthy to be in your life. Protect yourself and your baby. Move on. I’m sorry to be so blunt but it’s clear he’s manipulating you, using you and mentally and emotionally abusing you. YOU are worth more than this. Dump him but make sure he’s on the hook for child support. Sounds like you may never get CS from him - bc obviously getting weed from his side chick is hella more important than providing for his child. What a piece of work. You and your baby deserve so much better!!! Run don’t walk away from this man!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 4:49 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]

He’s a manipulative take no responsibility and blame everyone and everything else for my problems.

🚩. Fake bank statements

🚩. He expected you to get an apartment

🚩. He blames you for his affair

🚩. He lies and cheats with no remorse

He sounds like he is more work than your beautiful new baby.

Also: taking drugs with other women. I don't know if weed is legal where you are or not, but someone homeless should probably not be prioritizing marijuana as a place to throw his money.

Also: Um, a pending sexual assault case against him!

Seriously, this guy is an overgrown toddler. And one who breaks laws and expects you to take care of him. Stay with your mom, raise your baby. You do not need this baggage, and I guarantee you that this is someone who will not change. Listen to the song No Scrubs on repeat.

I'm going to be very blunt.

Run from this person. He is not a good man. Everything is everyone else's fault. He will always blame you for any trouble in his life. Even if you made everything perfect(which is ridiculous, no human can do this), he will continue to cheat,and blame you.

A woman accused him of sexual assault. With everything you have said, there is no logical reason to believe he is innocent.

He doesn't love you. And he doesn't love your baby. He has repeatedly exposed you to deadly stds. He repeatedly cheated while you were pregnant, which could have killed the baby,or possibly have left her with permanent disabilities.

He will not remain in the baby's life. Which is a good thing. You can't force him to be a father,and the best thing for your daughter is to let him go. The trauma he will inflict on her, abandoning her over and over, would take a lifetime to heal.

You deserve better than this this abuse.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:16 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]

I'll be honest with you.. I would get an attorney, have that guy put out of Mom's house, get full custody of my child, and never see or speak to him again. Even better if you can get him to sign away his parental rights. Hell, I'd pay him off if nothing else just to make sure he leaves and stays gone.

These guys are right... what you've described is just one red flag after another. The guy has no history at all of honesty, responsibility, faithfulness, or frankly any other redeeming quality. He lies, he cheats, he blames other people for his own failings. There's no reason to believe he's not guilty of assaulting that girl. You already know he's dishonest at is core.

What exactly is it that he brings to your life as a partner or as a father to your child anyway? Just because you got pregnant doesn't mean you have to be chained to this under-achiever for the rest of your days. That's the magic the modern era. No stigma. If anything, you're respected MORE for standing by your own good values and raising your child to have some.

It really sounds like what's stopping you is some kind of misplaced guilt, and that this guy has worked pretty hard to make sure you feel that way. Possibly, the only hard work he's done lately. But you are NOT responsible for him. You can't fix things for other people. Not even if you wanted to. It's okay to put you and your baby first. In fact, that's your real responsibility, not taking care of a fully grown, lying, using, cheating, delinquent of a man.

((big hugs))

Normally, I am 100% devoted to both parents being in a child’s life. I don’t believe that’s the case here. I think you and that baby need to be as far away from him as possible because he’s going to be a wretched human being to try to parent with. In fact, I am going to be very surprised if he does not willingly give up his parental rights. How you can get him to do that is that you’re going to go after him for child support. That sounds cold and it is but you need to be very strong in the situation. There is no wiggle room at all here. This is beyond toxic. This is just about deadly. He could bring any kind of sexual deviancy into your life or any kind of deadly disease. Your baby need you a whole lot more than you need him.

Please take care of you, and get as far away from this man as you can. Please.

Oh my gosh. Yes, you are being manipulated, by someone who only barely tries to conceal it. In fact it seems more like abuse because he seems to have turned you around so that you have trouble seeing which way is up.

"If you really cared about me, you'd be happy for me when I sleep at my other girlfriend's house because it means I have a place to stay!"

This kind of thing is ridiculous.

You have a 3 month old. I remember that time. I was still flooded with lots of lovey hormones during that time. He is TAKING ADVANTAGE of that. What an absolute scumbag.

Stay with your mom. Kick him to the curb. Focus on that little sweetie who is truly innocent and needs your care. Your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex is a grown ass adult and you don't need to be providing him with a luxury apartment and permission to screw any girl he wants.

[This message edited by annanew at 7:41 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]

I'm going to be even more blunt than the people who are being blunt...

Your partner is, at best, a parasite who will leech off your money and emotional energy until you're a shell of person... at worst, he's a boa constrictor who will choke the life out of you, legally, financially, and even physically (given his alleged history of violence and the fact that he put you at risk of STDs).

It's not clear where he's living now but if he's living with you and your mother, he needs to be kicked out now. Get a lawyer and make sure you that you secure sole legal and physical custody of your child.

His cheating is seriously the least of your problems.

Add me to the list of people who believe this guy is no more than cancerous to you. He takes no responsibility or accountability for anything. He cheats & lies with no regret or remorse. He emotionally abuses you and financially exploits you. Sis he’s just plain awful. You don’t owe him shit. He’s supposedly a grown arse man. Please seek counseling because there’s something blocking you from seeing him for the monster he is and you MUST get to the root cause, if not for yourself, for your baby. I’ve dated men like this so I know how manipulative they can be & make you feel like everything is your fault and neg you to strip away your self esteem and make you think no one else could ever love you and you should actually be grateful for them. Turns out I had FOO issues to work through. Just saying I can relate and know how charming & loving he can be that makes you forget how he’s horrible to you 97% of the time. PLEASE free yourself from this guy. You can’t save him. And it’s not your responsibility to make up for him, his grievances he has with his past. If I were you I’d tell him your mother says its crowded & he has to move out. Then I’d change my phone number. And file for full custody. Also, please read ASAP a book called "Why Does He Do That", by Lundy Bancroft, you can find a free pdf online (as I’m not sure if I can post it here.) It’ll open your eyes to abusive men and their manipulations and how most abusive men don’t seem that way because they can have instances where they are kind and caring. Also be careful because the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when trying to escape it. Plus with the rape allegations, you know deep down he’s dangerous.

Don't walk, run away from this man child.

So sorry.

Please meet with an attorney to get custody of your daughter.

I wouldn't want any child around this manipulative irresponsible lying cheating jerk.

Don't allow him to drag you down any more than he has already.

I'm glad you have family support. Kick him to the curb and don't ever look back.

Blackbird has some excellent advice.

Also suggest you find a good IC for yourself to figure out why you would tolerate his bullsh*t.

Girl, run.

Run and never look back.

I truly believe you already see the writing on the wall and just needed confirmation to follow your gut. Do that. Protect yourself and protect your child. And please never let anyone gaslight you like this again.

Thank you everyone who replied. I have been reading everything and reading over what I wrote. I don’t know how to talk to him anymore because I am scared of the reaction. He isn’t physically violent with me but his words hurt and I know that if I ever bring any of this up again, he will shut me down like he has been doing for the past few days. I confront him and share how I feel and he says my feelings are invalid. That they are just feelings but that he’s living a terrible reality everyday by not having his own space and cramming into my mom’s apartment. He says I am no better than him and shames me for being sexually active in 2018 (I didn’t even know him at the time) and says that I am probably still the same as I was in college, that he questions whether the baby is even his. I asked him if anybody else knew about him cheating and he says that there a lot of people who knew but they don’t see anything wrong with it. He says there are people who tell him that I was a bad to him for not getting us an apartment. He calls me a liar and a narcissist for "bailing" on getting him housing. He is always having money problems and still expects me to offer help. He had his car repossessed in November and I paid $1700 to get it out. He claims I should have given him more because he had nothing at the time. He is a dancer and today he asked me if I would take him shopping and buy him a new outfit for an industry audition he has later today. I was bothered by it because I just left my job, have no more income coming in and have my own expenses to cover. He has the audacity to ask because he always pays when we go out for food, I never ask him to though. I have let him pay because I’m covering the expenses at my mom’s and he has never helped me with anything not even the hospital bill when our baby was born. He had given me $600 over the past three months to help with a deposit for a new apartment which we haven’t gotten yet because in December, I had settled with him that he would put in $1500 at least for us to move. He’s asks for money out of that $600 whenever he is short and can’t pay a bill. I do feel bad about not "pushing" him and helping him get out of his debt but my intuition tells me not to finance his life because I have my own financial stress. The same friend who made a tinder account looking for threesomes told him that I’m probably lying to him about having a job and savings, that I am broke and living off of government help and that is why I don’t help him with money. That a real partner would solve these issues for him. He makes me feel so bad. Is it actually strange of me to not pay his huge debts?

It doesn't matter what other people say or think. You are not thinking straight because you have this insect buzzing in your ear all the time.
Figure out how much out of that $600 you owe him, give it to him and tell him to get out.
And the next time he says the baby is not his, agree with him. You, and that child will be better off without a man who uses and abuses you. (it doesn't have to be physical to be abuse.)
Of course you should not pay off his debts. You'll be lucky to just get him out of your mom's house and your life fairly quickly.
I've been with guys like this and they DO NOT change. They don't.
He will sweet talk you to try to win you over once he realizes that his gas lighting is having the opposite effect than what he intended. Don't fall for it. He will go back to who he really is once he gets comfortable again.
Once you're away from it you will see it all so clearly, and be so thankful that you are no longer in the hell that he creates for all around him.

Run girl. Run. Get away from this toxic user and liar and cheater. Your life will be so much better without him. Who wants to live with someone treating them like this? You are worth so much more and deserve so much better. But you have to get strong and have self-esteem and self-respect and confidence to leave. Really leave. Trust what we are all telling you. Because we see it even if you can't or don't want to. Get away from this guy. There are so many much better guys out there who will value you and cherish you and never treat you like this. Run. In your post you say you can't tell if you're being manipulated. Here is the answer: you are being manipulated. Stevie Wonder can see that. Run.

[This message edited by LightningCrashes at 11:47 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]

No, it's not "strange" for you to not pay this guy's debts. You're not his mommy and he's not a child. He should be paying his own bills with a real job that pays actual money, not living off his girlfriend and her mom.

Is this all you want for your life? Is it all you want for your child? Because that kind of selfish doesn't grow up and it never, ever stops. You seem to be looking for some way to make this work but there isn't one. Some people are just too dysfunctional and/or disordered to make a life with.

If you spend some time here reading about infidelity, what causes it, what's necessary to recover from it, you'll see your WP is giving you NO INDICATION that he's ever going to do better. And that happens. It really does. There are some people who will never take responsibility for what they've done or even their own financial security going forward. Believe me, it's not usual for us here at SI to all say "Run!" like this. On the rare occasion we do, it's because the situation is abusive and we're not seeing a glimmer of hope that the WS will change.

What does your mom say? What are your friends telling you? What would you say to your BFF if she told you the same story? The very BEST thing you can ever do for your future is to stand up for what you deserve by developing and defending good boundaries with other people. Be there for yourself the way you would be there for your friend or your daughter.

((hugs)

Emerald you sound young. I'm not sure but that you think you owe this man your financial, emotional and physical support is beyond the pale. He should be killing himself to find a job and housing for his daughter. He should be feeling like a piece of shit that he can't even buy diapers for his new baby.

Please hear what people here are saying. He is no good. He is a weight that will drag you down. Worse, he is not a good father and as your baby grows up she will see a deadbeat dad who acts with recklessness and will very likely disappoint and hurt her repeatedly.

Pick up that little girl and look on her sweet face. If you can't stand up for you stand up for her. You are all she has. If you don't protect her, who will?

He's a piece of shit and you need to muster all of your strength and boot him out of your life. You don't owe him shit. Including the 600. Cut him loose.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 12:50 AM, Thursday, March 2nd]