Topic is Sleeping.
Tanner (original poster guide #72235) posted at 3:17 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Today is our 32nd wedding anniversary. Yesterday was 3.5 years from Dday, I’m about 90% healed, and things are "normal" again.
At about a year and half after Dday I started to believe my W was serious about R, she had a solid consistent behavior of being all in on the M, I really wasn’t, I was very guarded. She was nervous around me afraid to make a mistake, any mistake, dinner, shopping, laundry, she was on eggshells. I decided it was time to stop treating her as a cheater and running our M like a dictatorship. I offered her true R, an equal level M, with open and honest communication. I was also letting go of some of the baggage weighing us down on this journey. It’s not rug sweeping, it’s processing and letting go, lighten the load, to work on the un healed areas.
Like I said, today is 32 years and we are going to celebrate. I have the sweet lady I couldn’t wait to marry. I’m proud of my M, we are a great team in our Son’s care, she is a great W and I couldn’t imagine spending these years with anyone else.
Thanks to everyone on SI that lit the path for me in the darkness. You all are a big part of our successful R.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:38 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Congrats on your healing Tanner! This is a huge milestone and I hope you both make many more in the future.
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 4:07 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Happy Anniversary!!! Enjoy celebrating.
"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."
D-day April 2010
cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 4:10 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me much hope. Enjoy your anniversary and many more years of happiness together.
InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 4:12 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Happy anniversary and congratulations on accomplishing what some see as impossible. I have genuine tears in my eyes from reading this, nice shot of hope in my journey.
People are more important than the relationships they are in.
Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:25 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Happy Anniversary and huge congratulations on such a milestone!
Dday - 27th September 2017
Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Awesome update Tanner, Happy Anniversary!
I offered her true R, an equal level M, with open and honest communication. I was also letting go of some of the baggage weighing us down on this journey. It’s not rug sweeping, it’s processing and letting go, lighten the load, to work on the un healed areas.
This is the step a lot of people never make it to — allowing yourself some joy with the person who once hurt us.
None of it easy, but R is ultimately about building the M you want. Good stuff!
Married 36+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived.
M Restored
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca
CFme923 ( member #82955) posted at 5:28 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Congratulations, it's posts like these that keep me going in dark moments.
Tanner (original poster guide #72235) posted at 6:20 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
I cannot stress enough to the new members reading this. It is not possible if your spouse is not remorseful.
R is journey through, thorns, deserts, hills and valleys. You have to move along it, your spouse has to be by your side battling the obstacles. You cannot, force, drag or manipulate them to go with you, it has to be completely voluntary. Like I said before you should be discarding the things you have processed or dare I say "accepted"?
Our journey started with me choosing D, I was pissed and tired of the TT, I was done and it was over. She begged me for R but I’d had enough. She asked for some time to prove to me and asked I not file yet. She took the lead and did everything I asked. We had a Dday 2 by confession, no further cheating, just laid it all out in a timeline. Like I said it took more than a year to believe what I was seeing.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Happy Anniversary Tanner. 
Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Hey there Tanner!
GREAT UPDATE
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 7:53 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Congrats Tanner!!
I like how you mentioned having to let go. Too often it's called rugsweeping (and you proactively defended yourself against that I notided ).
It might be an interesting topic to discuss. Moving forward and letting go v. rugsweeping.
Tanner (original poster guide #72235) posted at 8:32 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
It might be an interesting topic to discuss. Moving forward and letting go v. rugsweeping.
My number one requirement for myself was no rug sweeping. I have questioned my W over and over about things. I got to a point I was satisfied with the answer, let it go, do I want to come back for a 5 year update and still be dealing with the same stuff? No way!!
The AP? I dropped him off long ago around the 1 year mark. This guy was no prize, imagine willingly accepting 2nd place? BS’s expect exclusivity, AP’s are fine with 2nds or leftovers. He takes no head space from me.
Maybe letting go means acceptance, it can never be changed no matter what anyone does, it cannot be changed, it happened.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
I’m happy for you tanner.
Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.
Uxoragain ( new member #83025) posted at 11:49 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023
Beautiful post. And so good for so many to read. I also like your perspective on moving forward vs rug sweeping. Keep on keeping on!
Me: Mrs. Uxor, BW, 50's
Mr Uxor, WH, 50's
DDay Summer 2013
Currently Married almost 30 years.Reconciled but working on ripples so we stay that way.
I was here before - read about it in my story.
78monte ( member #72572) posted at 12:06 AM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Happy Anniversary Tanner and Mrs Tanner.
I'm happy to hear you're well into healing.
Tanner (original poster guide #72235) posted at 4:27 AM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Thanks everyone we had a great time, we had help with our Son so we were able to sneak off for a date night, it was also $1 beer Wednesday at the local bar. We had a great time and met new friends, then got home and many of our neighbors were waiting for us. It was a great day.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:10 AM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Congratulations, Tanner! Thank you for the wonderful update.
Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.
SoConfused23 ( new member #82698) posted at 12:05 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Congratulations! Thanks for posting this - gives me hope.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:17 PM on Thursday, March 9th, 2023
Congrats Tanner and Mrs.
I have watched you journey and you have come a long way in your healing.
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
Topic is Sleeping.
