SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lots of good points. I stayed because I knew the A was not about me. I had a strong enough sense of self that I knew I was going to be okay, even if the pain was very real. My fWW would sometimes say, "I know I broke you." I would reply "I am not broken, you broke our marriage, now we have to fix it, or let it end." I also stayed because she begged me.

In the end, and this may sound narcissistic, I knew she needed me more than I needed her. She was not good at the work, but she did it. She did the IC, found her issues and addressed them. In the end, I did the math too, did I want to go out in the world and find another partner, or did I want to stay, keep my family, and fulfill my promises.

Because the work was done, we have a very good marriage. Nothing will change what she did. But as we move on, because we have addressed the issues and both of us are healthy now. It is kind of like looking in a rear view mirror, the A is still there, but as we move farther away, the A gets smaller. Does it come up every once in a while? Yes. Then it gets addressed and we move on. No rugsweeping here, we have addressed it all.

BTW, the other thing that helped me was not dwelling on the APs. I recognized they were bit players in her drama, and they could have been anyone who showed her interest. They were small men with small lives, they were not worth my thoughts or sanity. That realization did not happen at first, but when I was able to let that anger go, I was much healthier.

I chose to stay in my marriage because my H committed to doing the work to R and then actually did it, and was relatively emotionally intelligent once he pulled his head out of his ass.

I stayed because we had a big investment in us. 16 years, two kids, a house, family, a friendship. I didn't want to blow up my life, or my children's lives, if the marriage could be saved. Or rather, if the marriage could be IMPROVED. And we both believed that it could be made better. We got married very young (20 and 21) and had an unplanned pregnancy right away, so we started off in the hole. We both knew it could be solid if we worked at it. So we did, and it got better and better. We've had rocky patches and the A and OW still come up as topics, but we talk it out and praise ourselves for being the kind of couple that can do that.

All these years later, he's in IC for FOO issues, we have an MC tune-up scheduled in a few weeks, and I'm going to ask our MC for an IC recommendation to work on infidelity trauma. Just because H did all (or most of) the right things to R doesn't mean that I wasn't traumatized tremendously. I have a really hard time not pain-shopping or creeping on the OW, and here I am back at SI after a long, long absence. It's taken me a while to give myself some grace and accept that I'm not a freak for not being able to get over it by myself.

Moral of that last bit of my story: Do some IC for yourself, regardless of whether you stay or go. We only did MC.

I talked to a lawyer and found out what leaving would most likely look like in my case. We live in a no-fault state.

I had an exclusively breast feeding newborn and toddler whom I was the stay at home parent for. Leaving would have been doable but extremely difficult for me. He truly seemed remorseful and tried to start rebuilding immediately. At the time we were a few years away from our 10 yr wedding anniversary which would make a significant difference in what I'd be owed I spent those years finishing my degree and snuggling my babies. While doing that he did the work needed for me to want to stay.

For me the reasons I choose to pursue a reconciliation were:
- Two young children and the most important things in my life,
- I was still in love with her,
- My confidence in the bedroom was crushed after learning the details of her affair and I dread even thinking about having to start all over again with someone new.
- Our financial situation flipped around after we moved across the country to her hometown and my wife went back to work after the girls were born. I became (and still am) very financially dependent on her. If we ended the marriage I would have to move back across the country or barely be able make ends meet.

I forgot what really got me through this. From the first moment my W revealed her A, I felt a giant internal commitment: I refused to let my W's actions ruin my life. Recovery was more difficult than I thought it would be, but I guess my survival instinct and desire to live joyfully were very strong.

Sisoon,

That line about not "ruining my life" is exactly what I said to myself! It also included "F his bullshit, I love my life, him? To be decided" , but ending my marriage would have ended most all other things that I loved. Hell no. He took enough. Healing included forgiving myself for prioritizing things that society tells me I shouldn’t really want and letting go of things I am told I "deserve". Can’t tell how many times I heard or read, "not all men will cheat and you deserve to be cherished in that way". Likely true, but what if that’s not my desire in life? What if other things mean more? I refused to give up what I wanted, because he was such an emotional F up.

Some BS can move past affair because the cheating spouse recognizes the damage caused and do everything they can to make amends and repair the damage.

Some BS also show true remorse for the pain they caused and understand what it takes to help the BS heal.

I hope this helps you.