SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I first posted two weeks ago re: finding out about my significant other’s betrayal(10 year relationship).
Because I now think of this as my safe place, I feel like I can write here what I am not saying to anyone in my family, to my new counselor through my EAP, or my psychiatrist.
I thought I was doing okay last week, but two times during work I had the "shakes" and weepiness.
I had that again this afternoon. I have been working since the day I found out, and I thought it would help distract me, but my concentration is tanked and I’m making small, stupid mistakes.I am having very dark thoughts, including that it would be easier to go to sleep and never wake up again. (these are just thoughts. I made a promise to my psychiatrist, who I’ve been seeing for 11 years, that I would call him first if I ever felt that I had a plan).
I haven’t been with my job long enough to accumulate enough PTO and can’t afford to go out on leave, but what can I do? I don’t want to just sit around and do nothing, but on the other hand I don’t want my job performance to suffer.
Is this something I should tell my boss?
I don’t feel comfortable continuing to talk about it with my family. I don’t feel like they have the patience to deal with my "silly little problem" when they have their own problems. I live with my elderly mother, as I mentioned before, but I’m careful what I say around her as I think she might just snap at me and tell me to get over it, he betrayed me the first time, so just deal with it.
I also feel guilty when I hear news about shootings or some other tragedy, and there are worse things.

I dont know what to tell you to tell your boss.

People whom have not been betrayed think that the betrayed should " get over it " in two weeks or less.

Im so sorry.

Sending you hugs. Yes, I had similar issues. It took so long for me to be able to concentrate again. I told my boss about the betrayal because we've known each other for some time.

What helped me with concentration was doing mindfulness and meditation. It has helped me with my spiraling thoughts and concentration.

Also, expect your emotions to be all over the place and give yourself grace during this very difficult time. The people who tell you to "get over it" don't have an understanding of betrayal trauma and how it can affect people.

If you are allowed a 15 minute break in the morning and in the afternoon and an hour for lunch, use those times to walk. Right now your body does not recognize the difference between a lion attacking you or cheating. It just knows you’re in danger. Getting out and moving gets you away from that basic fear. If you walk 15 minutes in the morning 30 minutes at lunchtime and 15 minutes in the afternoon you have walked for an hour a day. That’s good for you and it get your mind out of trying to focus on work. Also be sure and take something at night to sleep if necessary and make sure you eat small meals that are nutritious enough to keep you going. Keep a glass of water with you all the time because you need to be fully hydrated. Keep moving. Tell your boss if you trust them enough. If not use your walk time to wring your hands and cry then go back to work refreshed.

Hi brainybird,

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now.

Infidelity is HARD. There are many people here who will tell you its the most painful thing that they've ever experienced. If there was ever a time to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself, that time is now. You matter. There were always be wars, shootings, and other tragedies in the world. That does not in any way take away from the fact that your pain is real and that you matter. This is not a "silly little problem".

While it's normal to feel depressed after infidelity, I'm concerned about some of the dark thoughts that you are describing. I would encourage you to reach out to your doctor or psychiatrist. This is exactly the type of thing that could trigger another dark depressive episode.

I don't know whether telling your boss is the right move or not for you because I don't know your boss or how precarious your work situation is. I *do* know that it is totally normal to struggle to concentrate afterwards. My job greatly suffered after D-day. I also know that a good boss would be understanding and appreciate how difficult of a position you are in. I was scared to tell my boss but when I finally felt that I needed to, I was also surprised at how understanding she was.

Please take care of yourself the best you can. Keep posting.

Brainy - When I learned of my WH's A I was working out of state on a contract position for a year. He convinced me to come back, to apply for a local job, and that the A was over. I (somehow) managed to get my DREAM job, and when I got home after my FIRST day of the new job, I discovered he had never stopped the A, and it had been going on again for a year. The next 2 months were terrible for me work wise. I was supposed to be learning a new job and would have to leave to "get coffee" which was really me crying in my car (or in the ladies room three floors up where no one knew me). I was unable to focus, made horrible mistakes - typos/stupid errors in a position that requires a lot of research and writing and editing. My work product sucked. I was slow. I was distracted and couldn't remember how to do something from one day to the next. I could tell my boss was not thrilled with my performance and I was embarrassed/humiliated - and the last thing I wanted to do was talk to a "stranger" about it... But I too had no PTO to fall back on - nothing.

So after like 3 months (maybe it wasn't even that long) and a few comments from my boss that I needed to pick up my work product (nice enough but also clearly he noticed and probably thought my recommenders were insane), I decided I needed to tell him. I wrote it in an email - nothing spectacularly long - just enough to explain why I was distracted. He was very nice about it, said he was happy I told him, and that I could make work my "safe" place to just get away from all that. Needless to say that did not work - I was distracted and honestly if not for COVID I don't think he would have kept me on for my two-year term...BUT in those two years my work did get better AND I think he was nicer about recommendations than my work product lived up to, because I had been honest about my situation.

Now, 5 years later I truly have my dream job and that job actually helped me get it.

So, I say reach out to whoever you need to there and let them know what's going on. What's the worst that can happen? At least for me, I finally decided to speak to someone because it was clear I was doing such a bad job anyway that it didn't really matter much if nothing good came of it.

FWIW, I had people stop me in the grocery store or wait staff where I had stopped to get away ask if I was ok. The devastation takes a toll.

Former manager here. My reco is to tell your boss. That may prevent thoughts like, 'Did I hire the wrong person?'

Also, what is the purpose of holding back from your IC or shrink? Check the EAP agreement to be sure, but both of them are likely to be required to keep everything you say confidential, although some jurisdictions require them to out you if you reveal that you're abusing a child or if you're a threat to yourself or others.

I am so sorry this has happened. Your words sound like mine to a tee. I too am still in that dark place and don't really care if I wake up or get hit by a bus. According to the doctor it is called being "passive suicidal" and it is a real problem. I was given a crisis line I could call 24 hours a day to talk. It has helped somewhat. Please look into one in your area. I have called many nights at 3 am. It has stopped me from taking that bottle of sleeping pills on a few occasions.

I am not in a good place to offer advice as I am struggling taking anyone's. But I can say your words were identical to words I wrote on here. You are not alone. Sadly we are all going through it. It is painful. it is horrible and I still cry and shake and have even collapsed a few times.

I told my boss what happened. I had to. I was not able to function the first month. I cried all day, everyday and just all the time. I still cry but less often at work. I cry mostly at home. I too need the money as I am supporting the house as a single woman now. My boss was more understanding then I expected. After all, what we are going through is an emotional crisis and it has affected our mental health. These days with all of the attention on mental health, no boss wants to attack anyone with a "mental health issue". I needed him to understand that there was a real trauma suffered and that hopefully it wouldn't last forever. I suppose it depends on your relationship at work. For me it made sense for him to know so he didn't think I was just being irrational.

I wish I could hug you and tell you it will be okay. However, I am not at that point yet myself. However, I can tell you to find a crisis line to talk to (it helps to just cry to someone), ask your doctor for counselling, talk to a trusted friend, keep posting, inbox me- I will gladly talk and in time you will cry less.

Everyone here will support you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Devastated, you give such good advice and you are such a good and kind soul. I hope that soon you can take your own advice and also see what a blessing you are to the world and how much you affect those you choose to reach out to.

Thank you FunHouseMirror. Your words are so very kind. The support of everyone on here has been invaluable. At this moment, I feel anything but a blessing to this world. But, I am still battling the demons. With the advice from my doctor, everyone here and that crisis line, I will hopefully come out the other side of this.

I remember just how utterly dark it was for me after Dday. Woke up angry that I didn't die in my sleep. I saw no end to the pain and suffering, and then, it slowly got better, by degrees and slowly. One thing that helped me was a piece of advice from a monk. He told me that I was not my feelings. I only experienced them. I was not sad, but experiencing the feeling of sadness. Once it had taught me what I needed to know, I would experience a new feeling.

This helped me recognize the transitory nature of what I was experiencing. Yes, it was awful but not perminant. 5+ years out, I'm in a pretty good place emotionally. When it started, I felt I was losing my hopes and dreams. Now, you could not pay me to R. It will get better for you in time. Don't lose hope.

I wanted to check in on you brainybird,

How are you holding up?

Thank you for checking in with me, it means so much to me. ❤️
I think I’m still in a state of shock, but I’m managing to get through my work days a little better. I also have a vacation in a few days so I think this will really help.
I haven’t told my boss yet, but I will probably let her know when I get back. I believe she’ll understand.
And I’m really, really trying to be kind and compassionate to myself. The passive suicidal thoughts I had earlier in the week have subsided.

Brainybird66 I am so very glad that those dark thoughts have subsided. Please be careful. They can come back. Sadly, in my world I seem to take one step forwards, and then 3 steps back. I was thrilled to be getting about 3 hours sleep broken up at night and now the last 2 nights I haven't even slept an hour. So many triggers.

Everyone here is a survivor. I know I will too and so will you. How long it will take, is individual. Time will tell.

I hope things go well with your boss. My boss is male and as I said previously, he was shockingly understanding to a point. I don't cry as often at work, but it still happens. I do not think he is thrilled, but he says very little. As I told him, there's no switch I can flip or god knows, I would have.

There are plenty of worse things in the world, but that doesn't discount the pain you feel and you need to somehow be able to function and work through the issues.

Glad to see your update BrainyBird.

I’m glad you are trying to be compassionate with yourself. How was hour vacation?

Hi. I am sorry you are here.

By now you know your reactions are normal in this situation. Your life was turned inside out and it is scary.

For work, I would tell your boss, having some marriage problems, so if I seem a little distracted…..who knows, they may be able to relate. Just stay light on the details.

At work I found I would sometimes tear up. So have a tissue near by.

I wore my glasses to cover my eyes and circles under my eyes.

Regular breaks are good

Try 5 minutes of mediation where you can.

Get out and walk at lunch. Come back refreshed and the exercise will help.

If you talk to your wh in the day, do it at lunch. Keep it short.

Stay hydrated and have healthy snacks.

I went to work early and left early. If it is an option to do that, might be helpful.

And don’t put pressure on yourself to be normal. You can’t, your life is no longer normal.

And if you need a personal day, take it

Take care of you.

I decided that I would tell my immediate supervisor about my situation if I ever felt my work was suffering. I haven't told her yet since I have almost the opposite situation as the OP. Work is the place where I feel normal, valued and respected. It helps that I work in a classroom and the kids keep me busy, engaged and completely distracted from what's going on at home. We take our kids on walk breaks during the day, so I get some exercise between teaching sessions. Initially, I had trouble on recess duty where I would stand back and watch the kids and my thoughts would run wild. That has subsided on its own quite a bit over the past year. I also now make a point to stay engaged with the kids during recess to keep my mind occupied. And rather than sitting in my classroom during lunch, I go to the staff room. I sometimes talk with other staff members, but mostly I just take my time eating and reading mindless stuff on my phone. There's lots of chatter going on around me and it keeps my mind from wandering to bad places. I stay away from SI during lunch and concentrate on Facebook, news and games. The time when I have the most anxiety is when I start driving home. That's where the stress is. Trying to keep it out of my mind during my workday has helped a lot. I like that no one at work knows what I've been going through. I'm just regular, old me there and I get positive feedback about my attitude and my work habits. I'd like to keep it that way. It gives me a boost when things at home suck.

Thanks for all of your replies.
I got back from vacation today. I really wasn’t excited about it, to be honest, but overall I think I managed to have a good time. But there were a couple of bad moments where I couldn’t stop the tears, like a couple walking by holding hands and engaging in their "secret language" that I had with my significant other(as awful a person as he turned out to be).
It has now been a month since D-Day.
I go back to work tomorrow. I haven’t told my manager anything yet, but if she asks about him in conversation, I will mention the relationship ended, without going into the details.
I’m starting a mindful meditation program in addition to my IC. I started this the week before vacation and have another 10 weeks. I was doing the daily exercises, and they seemed to help, but I’m back to my rumination since I got home today. I can’t stop the mind movies! Over and over again, I can’t get the images out of my head 😢.
Sorry, I’m starting to ramble now but once I start seeing the words I’m typing my feelings come tumbling out.
Even when I am with other people, I feel incredibly alone. Like everybody is coupled up and happy, and I’m on the outside looking in, and will be denied this now for the rest of my life.I feel as if there is something branded on my forehead and it makes me feel full of shame, like anybody can look right through me and see that i was easy to betray, that I don’t have what it takes to "keep" my man.
I promise I’m not feeling suicidal. I just have to get these thoughts out somewhere.
It’s obvious that I have a very long road ahead of me😓