SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
I've been lacking on the site recently as my divorce is proving to be a full time job. We are currently doing 50/50 time which is proving to be hell for my kids, they are so stressed and unhinged. My DS (almost 14) who my STBXH took when he moved out is doing horrible in school, is angry and its breaking my heart into pieces. My STBXH told him basically to hate me, when he saw me to act badly as to which I wouldn't want to take him anymore, so I'm trying to undo that psychological damage the crazy narc shithead has ingrained in my DS's head during the 7 weeks he had him.

I am so grateful to have DS back and on visitation with my DD 15 but the switching back and forth is taking its toll on them.

My attorney has said there's not that much that can be done currently to obtain full custody since there isn't that smoking gun of evidence to take STBXH's custody. They did say by this time next year they will be able to chose at 15 and 16 a full time place to stay--so I am hoping I get them full time then as they said the court will not make them do 50/50 at that age if they chose not to do so. So its going to be a rough one year.

So divorce related, discovery has been traded and I clearly have all the cheating proof I need to use my post-nuptial but both STBXH and I are about $20,000 a piece in payments to our attorneys with no end in sight. STBXH is paying both his rent and my mortgage as both are in his name, he has double of all bills so he's stressed money wise. He had already taken $160,000 in cash from our safe and took another $40,000 from a joint savings in cash. So i refuse to contribute to the bills until that money is turned back in and held by the attorneys.

SO--my attorneys proposed a scenario which I was hoping you could help with.

They did a 55/45% split 55 to me--he gets all the crap, vehicles I dont want, RV.s , mowers etc. I keep my business and properties which have not been appraised and held solely by me. He keeps his business which is impossible to value since he really doesn't keep any real sort of books.

They want me to give him $180,000 cash and refinance the houses's mortgage of $270,000 and we all ride off on our merry way. They WAY they have encouraged me to think about it as is this--the value they gave our home is $1,200,000 without an appraisal I likely can get possibly between $1,400,000 and upwards to $1,800,000 but that depends on the market which is great here at the present (and I'm in real estate) so they think if they can get him to take it I can net another $200,000 upwards to $600,000 and sell once he quitclaims it to me. SO I can get 75% in a round about way just not as it looks on paper with STBXH. He'll see the 55/45 and maybe take it.

But I also have to liquidate a investment property and be a little stressed with a mortgage and the possibility of what the house will really sell for.

Attorneys have said it will be well over a year before we see the judge and the outcome may be the same as present with this deal--not likely worse though. Also I can't get him to help with college for the kids and have already defined the insurance, extra curriculars etc.

IF the judge does hold up my post-nuptial which is solid--although he wont admit to the proof I have, has already lied about the cash hes holding ( I have that proof too) and is already a huge liar and the attorneys have said the judge assigned will hate him and his lies BUT there is always the remote chance things could not end up exactly as it's stated in the post-nuptial.

ALSO----STBH has told my kids he plans to remarry as SOON as we are divorced so I know he's motivated to get this done.

I need your insight and help---I am so stressed and between the sleepless nights and my poor sweet children I am a wreck.

For anyone who doesn't know my saga, STBXH cheated with 13 women before caught in 2016 which lead to the post-nuptial with infidelity clause and was caught again in August 2022 with 4 more women, is a narc, likely a sociopath and who else knows. He's tracked me unknowingly and done some crazy revengeful shit to me. Although we no longer speak and only communicate through email which he reads but NEVER replies so NO co-parenting.

Thanks in advance CT101

Hang in there! That's all I can say. It's good that you've got a light at the end of the tunnel.

Do your kids have counselors?

I would give him money to buy him out of the mortgage- then be able to sell the house and split it evenly on your own terms. It stinks to give up what sounds like a lovely place to live to get the capital out of it, but... maybe gaining the freedom to move somewhere new without the memories would make up for any downgrade in the accommodations.

The end of all this is near and getting rid of this crazy making person from your daily life will be precious and worth the pain when you're finally allowed to heal.

If both his and your attorney are both on board with this proposal, I think you you should jump on it. You will probably lose more in a protracted battle against him than you could hope to recoup after years of litigation.

This might not be the golden parachute you desired, but as I've said before, you can't put a price tag on your life, safety, and sanity and those of your kids-- all of which are in increasing danger the longer this process drags out.

You know your STBX will destroy you and your kids (in every sense possible) in order to win. So let him think he won, if that's what it takes to protect yourself, your kids, and be free of him.

MIgander,
Thanks, my kids do have counselors and were just waiting to demand he take them on his weeks of visitation--not successful yet.

I am thinking the same, I could use my expertise to get top dollar for it and he likely doesn't have as much insight on its true potential as my attorneys have told me. Ironically we spent $100,000 for some new upgrades so bingo! At least I can have full control over the sales process. I'm sure he will sh** himself if I get $1.6 and he only agreed to the $1.2

I have 5 more years here for my kids but if not I'd be gone!

I am hoping he's in a hurry to marry this girl as fast as possible before his narc mask falls off so here's to hoping!

Praying the end could be near is a understatement.

BluerthanBlue I know you know the situation and your correct, if he feels he's actually getting 55% than the true 75% he may see it as a WIN.

STBXH is about to get fired by his attorney for the lies so my attorneys are trying hard to get a proposal he might bite at since STBXH's attorney works a lot with my attorney team and has lots of success getting deals pushed through.

STBXH is stressed, financial, physically and I'm sure the woman on his other end isn't going to wait around forever so he knows he needs this done. You are RIGHT the longer this goes on he's even more likely to get unhinged and sadly my kids will be there to deal with it every other week. They've held back the mountains of cheating proof so far as a safety measure to me and them--but if it pushes forward it could get uglier.

They don't know if he would take it but I told them its a one time deal--when I decide, he'll have 10 days to make a decision.

I also vote for letting him think he won. It will make your life a little easier and he'll get to bask in his own glory. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if his lawyer fires him, so I'd try to get as much done before.

Good luck!

Leafields--likely the best scenario for me is for me to go with the proposal. What is nerve wrecking is the financial load I'll be under while juggling 4 mortgages (investment properties)

If I for sure know that I could sell for way over the $1.2 then I would take it but it's going to be stressful.

I am deeply hoping he's motivated as I am to get this done and let him think he won.

If I for sure know that I could sell for way over the $1.2 then I would take it but it's going to be stressful.

Is the safety and well-being of yourself and your kids worth more than $1,199,999? If so, then take the deal.

BluerThanBlue--no it's not at all.
My attorneys want me to agree to the 50/50 custody for the next year as they are saying the kids (14 and 15) can fully decide in a year where they want to be. But in my heart I don't want that.

STBXH is a monster, won't co-parent, I send emails--I get zero response. I can't belive his inability alone to not communicate isn't enough to get full custody?

Thoughts?

On your children- my xh (who wanted full custody) basically stopped doing anything with/for our kids once the divorce was final and he wanted free time with OW.
She has a son, so many times xh wanted our kids when she had her son, so that our kids could keep her son entertained.

I stuck to the visitation schedule on my side and when he bailed at the last min I acted all happy around my kids-and truly I was!

I got our kids in counseling, too, and he tried very hard to get it stopped bc he didn’t want anyone telling the truth. So, in my children’s best interest, I stopped telling him they were still in counseling. I made it a private time for them where they could truly get the help they needed. It really paid off!!!!!!!

They learned how to see the situation logically. (Ex: Dad called our son at college while drinking. -irony is Dad was drunk not college student- So Dad berated son because he thinks our son only calls him when he needs something. Son calmly says,"Nope, Dad, I needed your help to fix my vehicle in high school and you refused to show me what to do. I’ve never asked you for anything since. And you need to call me only when you’re sober. Goodbye".

Once they could drive it was much better bc they each drove to dads separately and left when it got too crazy over there. They slowly tapered off and now see him 3x a year and he lives 1 mile away.

I just reread your question. Sorry for the long response above ^.

Yeah, my xh wouldn’t respond to any emails either. He stopped getting our kids. My atty said we can’t make anyone be a good father. (At least in my state, the courts can’t).

This should be over in a year when your kids can drive and choose when to see their Dad.

Hang in and post here often, we get it. ❤️

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 3:44 PM, Sunday, April 2nd]

Homewrecked--hearing your story help me incredibly! I "think" STBXH needed my DS (14) to maybe hang out with this OW's kid--who knows I can't and don't want to know about her.

My attorneys did our temporary parenting plan to include "no bringing children around paramours" so that stopped him and I got my son back on a 50/50 time and STBXH was probably happy to unload them back to me.

My DD (15) is treated like a the arch enemy by my STBXH as she won't accept his behavior and he literally treats her like he hates her presence. She hates going there to STBXH's. I told her that her brother is a little more brainwashed and he needs her to be the eyes and ears over there. STBXH frequently pulls my DS into his room and berates him to likely keep him in check (DS has been witness to lots of his cheating and since STBXH is screwed in our post-nuptial he doesn't want DS talking to me about any details).

Just some really bizarre behavior on STBXH's side--my DD has reiterated that her brother has been very different since being with his dad during those 7 weeks while I was fighting to get him back on the agreed 50/50. I know that my DS was told to act bad, misbehave by his dad and that I didn't love and want him. STBXH over years before the divorce has said you keep our DD and he'll take our son Ironically he and his own sister was split up so he doesn't see any issue. Plus DD isn't going to make his new life with new woman easy and likely will have no problem outing him with the OW as a serial cheater and liar. So he has no need for her around.

If I can make it one more year though I think I can deprogram my DS and he'd come live with me as I already know DD is on board with that.

If full custody is unlikely at this time, I think you should go with the 50/50 arrangement but make sure to document EVERYTHING. If he misses a visit, document. If he refuses to deliver the kids, document. If your son acts out while he’s home or doesn’t do school work during his time with his dad, document. Then, if you need to, take his ass back to court.

As for your daughter, I would advise NOT to poke the bear. When she’s with him, just stay out of his hair and tolerate him. Don’t mouth off to him, especially in front of his new lady. She needs to keep herself safe and also prevent him from taking out his aggression on you and your son.

Good luck, CT!

One more year is one more year too long. Please accept that agreement (if he will go for it) and separate yourself through this toxic situation.

BluerthenBlue, I have told my DD the exact same thing, don't provoke STBXH at all, basically gray rock.

My attorneys have advised to go 50/50 because of the kids age and when we finally get to the end of the D, both kids will be old enough to make a choice. My DD wants to stay with me, my DS is very fearful to leave his dad. I think he is very afraid of being abandoned for STBXH "new girlfriend & kids".

Funhousemirror,
My attorneys have I think very purposely wanted me to take this agreement but it's not going to happen as STBXH will not agree. I have told them no more deals, just set it for trial next year. Its way too costly to go back numerous times making deals he won't agree to. Already 8 months in were both probably $60,000 in on attorney fees.

It sucks that your ex didn’t take the deal; hopefully he’ll get his ass handed to him in court.

Bluerthanblue,

My attorneys said he wanted to negotiate some things & I flatly said NO. This was a one time deal--I won't spend $100,000 on negotiations when he won't agree. I'm better off spending the money and letting the judge make his decision.

I mean what judge would already see as stated in the post-nuptial he cheated with numerous woman and I was a faithful spouse and not rule in my favor of the post-nuptial? I gave the STBXH 8 more years to keep his great home (only 7 more years till it was paid off and big money) and to have his kids! I don't see how any judge with my proof would think he's just a plain narc cheating serial a**hole.

If STBXH wants to roll his dice in court then that would make him a bigger fool!

Ironically, I've heard through my kids new GF is already feisty and asking him why it isn't over AND STBXH injured his knee badly, can't really walk and is headed into surgery for it In his business HE has to do the actual physical work and this is his busiest season time so his financial bottom line is going to hurt badly with at least $10,000 of bills not including legal fees on his plate.

The karma bus is en route

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 2:29 PM, Wednesday, April 12th]

And based on your other post we now know how he hurt his knee.

Doubt getting a beat down is going change his narc ways though.

The1stwife--we all know now the truth of his injured knee The XH said he screamed in pain as he was thrown over his car--STBXH thinks he's the biggest bada** around so this is his just desserts.

Ironically, STBXH could've filed a RO against the XH but because it would be on paper for the courts or my attorney to see (since he is still actively cheating under the agreement) he didn't. He just convinced the GF to get a OP against the XH.