SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are you going to email every new girlfriend he has?

Let it go. Let him go. Step away from the crazy.

Your ONLY priority is to keep your kids,and yourself, safe.

It's nice that the new GF didn't share the email with him. Maybe she won't. Maybe she is processing it, and then she will. Let's say she breaks up with him. He will know it's because you sent her an email. How do you think he will respond to that? He's going to go off the rails. You may not have to be exposed to him, but your poor kids do. They have to be in his house, with him. He's already abusing and neglecting them, to hurt you. They are vulnerable. Stop making it worse. You may be thrilled that this works in your favor,because of the infidelity post nup,but your kids are paying a huge price.

Stop. Please.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:10 PM, Wednesday, April 19th]

Hellfire, I'm officially done, I know firmly I cannot save everyone from my STBXH. The way things transpired has actually protected my children since all eyes are on STBXH. I have been trying for months to get a parent coordinator & psychologist that can testify for my children with no luck, STBXH would not agree. Now it's got to happen OR he just gives me custody.

This fight & situation has exposed STBXH to all attorneys involved--this new GF/AP has already had CPS out for suspected child neglect (kids come home from school-mom grabs her wine and heads to her locked bedroom ignoring her kids).

I know it is a risky move (the email) and leaving my kids at risk but it did pay off since STBXH has to be under the microscope. He'll either choose to act right by my kids or give me them. If he knows that my kids will be reporting everything that happens, they're being pawned off on his visitation so he can see the GF/AP, and him leaving them alone to 4am, him screaming at them etc. Both of my kids will have the confidence knowing they have a 3rd party keeping a watchful eye on them.

Hellfire--the email has already been shared within STBXH's attorneys office between the GF/AP attorney and STBXH's attorney (same office/they are partners) so STBXH just saw it last night courtesy of his attorney. The GF/AP did not share it with STBXH. The XH's attorney also has a copy of the email SO 4 attorneys have read it. To me that's 4 watchful eyes on STBXH and the children involved.

These attorneys involved all 4 are the biggest heavy hitters in my county,so I feel confident they are going to hyper vigilant with the situation at the minimum for their reputation sake.

Well WS wouldn’t be labeled that way if they didn’t act poorly to begin with. If the shoe fits.

perhaps my point didn't land. I didn't mean to say that your husband wasn't a "bad guy." What I meant was, just because there's a "bad guy" in the situation doesn't mean you get to claim the role of "good guy" and now act however you want with impunity. Indeed, life doesn't work that way. Or perhaps in your mind, that's exactly how life works?

Crazy Train, I've followed your story for years. Other posters believe you have reason to fear for the physical safety of yourself and your children due to your husband's past actions. I really can't interpret whether you should or shouldn't be afraid of your husband. But it's obvious to me from your own posts that in fact you aren't afraid of him at all. I think a judge will have the same interpretation.

But it's obvious to me from your own posts that in fact you aren't afraid of him at all. I think a judge will have the same interpretation.

<dart hits the bullseye>

I've come to that conclusion as well. A little bit of Glass in your BOB..meh. Having been accused of rape..meh. All the other things he's done to you..meh.

You have been very focused on your settlement, and being able to prove infidelity. (Though you say you can support yourself and the kids just fine without it) You seem willing to sacrice your kids mental health to get it. That a shitty thing to say,but what other conclusion can we come to. You know he is mentally abusing both kids,yet you've complained that he may not have the half them time. You knew if you sent that email, you were poking the bear. You knew he would retaliate. And your kids will be his target, because they are in his home. You seem to believe he won't do anything because people are watching. He doesn't care what the attorneys are seeing. It has to be proven in front of a judge. As to a therapist, he has severely mind fucked your son, and he will work overtime to get his way now. You're counting on your son to tell the truth..to turn on his dad. That's a huge gamble.

Oh well. At least you have a tight pre nup. You've "won."

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:39 PM, Friday, April 21st]

Hellfire, over the weekend I did a lot of thinking about everything and came to the conclusion that I am not thinking with the right focus, your right. This amped up situation I've been living in for decades has really altered my sense of normalcy and likely I have become very vengeful and not sensible.

I think my focus of WINNING all costs is more about payback instead of getting myself away and focusing on healing for myself and kids. I have lost sight of the reality and made it a game of getting back from everything the STBXH has done to me.

I am at fault 200%. I couldn't see it because I am still intertwined with the crazy and need to get it together quickly, I am not nor will not engage in the behavior again-it was a poor choice. The simple fact that some other woman is going to endure this really put me into a mental downward spiral. If I could save anyone including my kids from this I would but I know I can't.

It is out of my control ultimately. I have to face that reality. It's not my burden anymore. I did what I could and that was a poor choice on my part, I have to own that. I appreciate the words.

Ct I said this one one of your other posts but will reiterate it here. I don't think you're addicted to drama or purposely looking for it and I am not one but surprised that your perceptions are totally out of whack right now. You've lived for a very long time with a baseline for 'normal' that was extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy and abusive so it's gonna take you some time to shed that and find your mental will being and your own normal.

I think a part of your motivation for sending that email was trying to 'save' her, but I do think part of it was lashing out at him too. I also think that both of those feelings are very normal for someone who's in recovery from such an abusive situation.

But please take all that focus you're still putting on him and instead put it in on you and your kids. You guys deserve that attention. He doesn't. You need to save YOU right now. She will figure him out or she won't - either way it's not your circus or your monkeys.

I couldn't see it because I am still intertwined with the crazy and need to get it together quickly,

What I found tremendously helpful when my ex was exercising a new level of crazy, was to post here first.

My kneejerk reaction was to fireback, but it was not a wise thing to do (for me). But committing to not responding to anything (either from your ex or any of his associates/GFs/other BHs, etc) immediately is an excellent tool. Gives you time to think through it and seek out advice (professional or personal) to consider.

I even got to the point when the ex left some note in my mailbox (his go-to tactic), I would wait a day before even opening it. Because I knew whatever was in there would be more BS and I wouldn't be able to sleep that night.

You can't change him or his actions. You can only work on tools to help you navigate.

Your ex is going to feed off of any attention (positive or negative) so minimize that opportunity.

EllieKmas, I do think I got dragged into the rabbit hole with this situation, even this STBXH's GF's XH was starting to say he wanted the "ultimate" revenge on my STBXH, referring too a relationship or affair between us--that's when I disengaged from him except for the occasional help he may need in this mess with his DD & DS.

I know I cant help this STBXH's GF, but the email was one that I had wished someone had sent to me early on, I could've caught him sooner or at least played it safe financially. At the very least she's been warned. It wasn't for drama but to save another unsuspecting victim.

I've had ZERO contact verbally for months with the STBXH, he will not co-parent at all, won't respond to any emails requesting payments for things for the kids, zero, nothing. I don't see how we're going to raise our two kids in a 50/50 situation.

Thankfully the kids are seeing the light and I'm 95% both will chose to live with me full time by the time we have our first court date next spring 2024

I think the fact that STBXH is fighting like he's in middle school with a man outside a home with kids was so worrisome to me--the fact that he fu**** his knee up so badly that my poor kids on switch day had to lug their stuff into his car without any help from the injured STBXH mad me more then angry. Also STBXH hasn't taken my kids inside a restaurant for at least 4 months BUT has hauled this GF & her kids to nice places to eat has infuriated me!

STBXH will go the extra 100 miles for his AP's but MY kids are treated like crap, ignored and are only at his house every other week because he doesn't want to pay child support and has set me off.

I don't know at this point IF he's treating them like crap to get back at me or what, he was never a decent father but as my attorneys have said, usually during a D is when a parent is at their best! This jerk is worse than before (and wasn't great even then)

I am quite sure the email was for my concern but it was also payback for what he's doing to my suffering kids.

Not your circus or monkey Crazytrain101. You trying to make him do the right thing or paying him back will have the opposite effect. You know this. Unfortunately, your children will pay the price when you snap back at him. Your focus should be on minimizing the impact he has on your and your children's lives. He's a narcissist. He's never going to be a good father. Wishing that he would or provoking him because he's not isn't going to change that. Even that you are stewing about it has a negative impact on your children. Concentrate on being the safest healthiest parent you can be. Ignore the monkey and his circus wherever possible. He's damaged enough of your lives.

Thankfully the kids are seeing the light and I'm 95% both will chose to live with me full time by the time we have our first court date next spring 2024

Even if that it the case, then you still need to be concerned about the damage that will be done to your children over the course of the next year and do everything that you can to limit the damage he will inflict on them as a means of hurting you. The best way to achieve that is by staying out of his affairs (figuratively and literally) and resisting your persistent urge to get one up on him at every opportunity.

As evidenced by everything that you've done to craft your prenup and ensure it is fully enforceable, you are not a slave to your impulses and are capable of acting in a calculated manner when you see a clear benefit for yourself in doing so. You just need to be as focused on and invested in protecting your kids from his abuse as you are in securing your favorable financial settlement.

Bluerthenblue,
You are correct--I'm thinking of the $$$ over my kids, not for the love of money but as an act of vengance against the STBXH because he values money above all else. I do know that he is not going to do anything to help them financially more than the minimum so securing the money is for them. (no college or cars)

I know this has all just gotten away from me, this isn't who I am. I feel like he's created this monster within me over the years. My sense of normalcy even within myself has been skewed so badly I can't think like the old, normal me. I don't even know where that woman has gone or if she'll ever return.

I just want to be the person I was 18 years ago before I met this soul sucking monster. I used to trust and love so freely.

This really struck me from your last post:

I know this has all just gotten away from me, this isn't who I am. I feel like he's created this monster within me over the years. My sense of normalcy even within myself has been skewed so badly I can't think like the old, normal me. I don't even know where that woman has gone or if she'll ever return.

His twisted manipulations over the years have twisted you too- like a tree grown in poor soil in high winds. (Maybe look up a picture of a tree growing high on a mountain desert.) You have an opportunity here though- you're being repotted and soon transplanted to a more sheltered environment where you can heal and grow straight again. You'll be able to return- not to your old self (she's gone), but to a stronger and healthier self that you haven't seen yet.

I remember an old saying, paraphrasing here, "Don't get in the mud to wrestle with the pigs. You'll end up dirty and the pigs just like the mud." Someone else can say it better than me here!

I wonder how whole you were to begin with? I'm thinking back to the beginning of my M and all the unhealthy compromises and "proving myself" and turning-a-blind-eye I did. Our H's are completely different in most regards, but both are self involved and expect others to do for them what they are responsible for themselves. I know I had wounds that attracted me to H. H likely had his own insecurities that attracted him to me.

Something to think about. You've been through hell, and now you have the ability to take your life and yourself back. I'm with everyone else here rooting with you for your healing.

that's when I disengaged from him except for the occasional help he may need in this mess with his DD & DS.

No CT. Just please no. The affair partner's husband's kids ARE NOT YOUR CONCERN - his wife is HIS mess, not yours - his kids are HIS concern, NOT YOURS. Your concern is YOUR babies and YOURSELF. Period. Let your stbxh and his ap and her stbxh sort their own shit out or not. You have plenty enough of your own worries without feeling like you have to involve yourself in and solve their bullshit too. Block the AP's husband - you owe him nothing at this point and he sounds like drama and a headache. And just saying that emotionally right now I feel like you are in a very vulnerable place and do not need another drama hound in your orbit, cus chances are high he could suck you into some bullshit that you do not need right now.

You've lived for a very long time with a baseline for 'normal' that was extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy and abusive so it's gonna take you some time to shed that and find your mental will being and your own normal.

Quoting myself here again CT - read it again. You have no idea what normal healthy relations look like right now because you have been living in a completely dysfunctional toxic stew for YEARS - that is not your fault and I am in no way blaming you for that.

But now is when you focus on YOU - figure out your needs and wants, figure out what makes you tick, figure out what kind of life you want to have from here, figure out how to set and hold healthy boundaries. You can't focus on any of those things that you need to do to build a better future for yourself if you're worrying about the ap's kids, or what restaurant your stbx took them to, or solving ap's husband's woes. Your focus right now needs to be on YOU and YOUR kids and nothing else but that.

I am quite sure the email was for my concern but it was also payback for what he's doing to my suffering kids.

I absolutely understand your rage here. I really do. But the BEST 'revenge' is living well and getting mentally and emotionally stronger and healing from the crap he's done. Any other kind of 'revenge' just keeps you tangled up with your stbx trying to find new ways of payback. Doing that keeps you churning around in his ick, and my dear, you deserve peace. You won't find peace there.

I know this has all just gotten away from me, this isn't who I am. I feel like he's created this monster within me over the years. My sense of normalcy even within myself has been skewed so badly I can't think like the old, normal me. I don't even know where that woman has gone or if she'll ever return.

It has gotten away from you because of the crazy you've been living with for a long time. The only way to open that door for the old you to come back in is to REFUSE to engage with the crazy. The only way to 'win' with someone like your wh is not to play at all.

that's when I disengaged from him except for the occasional help he may need in this mess with his DD & DS.

I'm also confused about this- in your very first post, you say the girlfriend already took out an order of protection, even before this man man contacted you (timeline moves very fast, but okay).
From my thinking, he doesn't need your "occasional help," and never did. There's literally an order of protection in place severing the only "new" relationship that existed in the whole situation- your husband and his new girlfriend. I don't think you can do more than a court order, nor do I think she needed additional information convincing her that your husband is dangerous. I think she already was convinced, judging by her actions.
Why do you need to keep these children safe? Can't their mother and father do that?

(also-side point-the way you refer to your husband's bulimia is offensive. It is not a moral failing, nor does it victimize those around him. The way you described hiding a camera in the bathroom so you could "catch" him and find out that he is bulimic is also offensive. You do not need to notify his new paramours of his eating disorders, that is highly personal medical information. It's okay for someone to struggle with an eating disorder, many decent people do, many excellent parents do. I'm sure this isn't intentional on your part and is simply out of ignorance but that's no excuse. There are dozens of books and other resources about bulimia; perhaps you should educate yourself on what an eating disorder is & what it isn't.)

Lostandbound, the order of protection was taken out against the girlfriend's exhusband, not CT's ex.

Then STBXH told the girlfriend to file an Order of Protection against this XH--which she did mad

Thanks for pointing that out BtB.

Now that I re-read this (from the OP), I'm confused as to who has an order of protection against who. This saga has a big cast of characters and lots of events and details. Which I think is further reason to step away and disengage.

CT, you also have another thread about a new man ("unicorn") who comes with a cast of characters in tow (an ex he is friends with, children, backstory, etc.).

Have you considered seeing a therapist to discuss personal boundaries? As in, what "belongs" to you and what doesn't? You seem to have an issue delineating what is your personal territory and what isn't. What is in your purview, so to speak, and what isn't. Or, to put it another way, what is and is not your business. Learning good boundaries helps protect you and will help you create a peaceful life. Relying on other people to "behave," otoh, is not an effective strategy for creating a peaceful life.

[This message edited by lostandbound at 6:17 PM, Friday, April 28th]

I think OP did the right thing by informing the H or CH if the OW about not letting his kids be around OP’s XH.

I too think that CT did the right thing. There's a big difference between choosing to spend time and energy chasing down new partners and doing it at the request of another spouse dealing with the aftermath. I also think it's different when the XWH is dangerous and not just another selfish clown.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 4:24 PM, Sunday, April 30th]

1stWife and Neko: Most of us agree that CT did the right thing by responding to the gf’s ex when he reached out to her for information about her STBX.

What we took issue with was going a step farther by proactively sending out an unsolicited full dossier to the gf, which threw gasoline over an already explosive and dangerous situation for herself and her kids.

STBX’s pattern since CT filed has been to take revenge against her by emotionally abusing the kids and getting their teenage son— who he’s been pretty successful at alienating from her— to lash out against her, on one occasion violently.

At the moment, the gf’s kids are not in danger from STBX because he is still in the lovebombing phase of his relationship with gf and her kids. They probably will be in the future, but it’s CT and her kids that are the target of his psychopathy for at least the next year.

Everything that CT has done up to this point— and even she has been willing to admit it— has been motivated by her desire to secure her favorable financial settlement via the post up and her desire to score petty victories over ex. Her kids have spent years stuck in the middle of CT and her STBX’s toxic relationship and things have only gotten worse since they separated.

GF’s kids already have any ally— their father. CT needs to do the same for her kids.

CT, every decision you make from now on needs to be motivated by what’s best for your kids, not what’s going to leave you with the most money or piss off your ex the most. Every time you’re tempted to poke the bear or do something that’s outside the advice of your attorney, ask yourself the following questions:

Does doing this thing make my kids’ lives harder or easier?

What will my ex do to them if I do x,y, or z?

If he does something bad enough that the courts finally take notice, will that victory be worth the harm he inflicted on my kids?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:16 PM, Monday, May 1st]