SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((MaryM))), terribly sorry that your WH still can't learn his lesson in integrity, honesty, just humble human behavior respecting his wife. And your experience having the 2nd M but with different form of abuse seems absolutely traumatizing and apparently your 2nd traumatic event in M's. Glad you finally found SI to seek support.

When it all started, he told me I needed to put more into the relationship

Can you please elaborate to what "it all" do you refer to? I think it would be a good idea to ask your WS for a detailed timeline. It might help you to realize that his LTA was not your fault, and had nothing to do with you. His LTA is on him with his character, coping mechanisms, consciousness. No one apparently told him confident, strong, and loud "NO" even after the 4th time, so what the man-child do? Rinse and repeat.

Have you sought the IC to help YOU? To start your own healing process.... There have been so many wounds, it might be the right time to start healing YOU...

Strength and Healing to you, MaryM!

I know a man who got cheated by his wife of 4 years. This man, too, was suffering from intense depression and wasn't able to emotionally engage with his wife without his mental issue becoming an obstacle. His wife complained many times how his depression was hurting their intimacy and marriage. He was in therapy. He was taking medications. He did everything he could to save this relationship. But, it turns out that his wife was having an affair with her ex. When confronted, she blamed her husband. She blamed his depression. She blamed the lack of intimacy. And, he took the blame. He played pick me dance for a year. It had a devastating effect on him. There was dday2 after a year. She was still in contact with her AP. Their affair was taken underground. This time, the husband took some serious steps and did some digging, and he found out that this affair predated their marriage! She was having an affair with her ex before her relationship with her husband. So, it turns out his mental issues, depression etc had nothing to do with the affair. She used them as an excuse and a cover to hide the truth and her ugly face. By doing this, she cruely abused her husband emotionally.

Likewise, your depression has nothing to do with your husband's affair. Your actions have nothing to do with his affair. The day you accept this fact is the day you see your husband for what he is, and that is the day you are out of infidelity and you will be almost healed. Affairs are irrational decisions. So, don't try to rationalise it. Don't try to make sense of it. You won't find any. Because there is nothing rational and sensible about it.

You are not pathetic. You are not weak. You are just unlucky. You don't need any more explanation than that because that's all it is.

I don’t like your husband. I think he has some serious narcissistic tendencies. You were barely married and he was threatening divorce UNLESS YOU TOED THE LINE. You do not say that to a depressed person.
Please get IC with a trauma therapist. That is what you are living with.

How do I convince myself I’m not at fault? That I’m not worthless?

Ok.

Have you been faithful to him because of him?

Is there something particular about him that makes you keep true to your marital vows?

Is there something he does or doesn’t do that makes you faithful?

Is there something he says or doesn’t say that makes you faithful?

If he was unfaithful to you, would you be unfaithful to him?

If he was faithful to you, would you be unfaithful to him?

Is there anything he could do or say that would make you unfaithful to him?

Is there ANY reason you would betray, lie, deceive, and stab him in the back?

Is there ANY reason you would betray, lie, deceive, and stab anyone else in the back?

Can you think of ANY justification for willfully betraying someone’s trust in you?

The point of these questions is to realize that the answers are all no.

The answers are all no because your being faithful to him has nothing to do with him.

You have been faithful to him because you value yourself and your integrity.

He has been unfaithful to you because he has low self-value and zero integrity.

What you are failing to see is that it is HE who really feels and acts as worthless.

He’d just like to conveniently blame his worthlessness on you because that is so very much easier than facing the truth about himself.

Again, all this shit he’s done has nothing to do with you.

That is so difficult to walk through. I was cheated on horribly by two husbands, both of which are now ex's. It causes such deep rooted betrayal. Some men just don't understand what they have until they lose it all, which is devastating to the family.

Not just cheating but blaming you.....

Uh, there is no excuse so therefore it's all his doing.

Next thing, you are free from any guilty feelings about this. You didn't make those choices. But there are choices you can make. You can choose to do some great things for yourself. Think about that and take a walk and get your favorite music on. You're going on the road to good things for you. That's the new plan from now on. Whatever he says it's bla bla bla. Who cares what liars think anyway.

MaryMargaret

Your husband is a cheater and a liar. Do not believe him. Believe in you.

If how you are thinking is right then every betrayed on this site was the cause of the betrayal. And you know that is not true. It can’t be.

We can’t make people cheat.

Sadly your husband isn’t unique. Lots of waywards blame others. He is typical.

You did not cause this.

Every time you give him another chance, he takes that as your permission to treat you with more disrespect. Let that sit for a while. I attempted reconciliation after the first time. There was no second time because I innately understood this aspect of a cheaters thought pattern.
Please get out. He's not going to change. Serial cheaters never do.