SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Question has anyone tried to reach out to the AP for answers and how did it go? Does anyone think it's a bad idea?

Terrible idea.

They had an affair with a married man. Why would you believe anything she says is the truth? Many BW have done this, with disastrous results.

You give her a window into your pain,and your marriage.

Your husband should be NC. NC goes for you to. Slam that window shut.

It makes her feel powerful,and relevant.

And,finally, never ask another woman about your husband. It makes you look weak. And an OW will pounce on a weak BW.

This is not recommended.

If your spouse is not being honest and transparent about what happened, that tells you everything you need to know.

Sorry, had to run before I could finish my thoughts.

Someone who has had an affair has forfeited the benefit of the doubt. The BS should assume it's as bad as you could possibly imagine . . . length of the affair, physicality, number of partners, etc. If your WS is serious about making things right, then they will offer proof that it wasn't "as bad" as you are imagining. The onus is not on you to turn into a super sleuth who gets to the bottom of the affair. Your WS needs to dig down to the bottom for you. If they won't, then they aren't offering you real reconciliation and you should proceed as if they are untrustworthy.

If you have these niggling doubts that won't go away (which is probably why you want to reach out to the OW), then listen to that. Your gut is telling you that your WS is hiding things. I know it's hard to believe this, but exactly what those things are don't really matter. The fact that your WS is not worthy of your trust is what matters. They won't turn more trustworthy just because you get a definitive date on when the affair started or how many times they had sex. That won't change your calculus about what to do next.

I've got a different answer for you, as I contacted the AP, and it was one of the best things I did. With that said though, don't put any faith in what they say. If all you're looking for is answers or verification, then I agree with the others -- they lie and lie and lie some more, and they've probably compared notes in order to cover each other's back.

The good side though, was that I exerted myself and established some control of the situation. My wife and AP (married also) didn't really work together, but they worked for the same Fortune 500 company. Without their effort, they'd cross paths maybe once a year, and both their jobs (especially his) would have been at risk. They both ran scared the minute I discovered.

I made sure he realized that I was in the loop -- I knew what had happened, I knew the timeframe, and I had all the phone records. I knew his job would be at risk, and I had no hesitation to do whatever I thought was best for MY situation, not his or hers. Instantly I had an upper hand, and I was the one enforcing no contact. I've always laughed and described him that day like a freshman being sent to the principal's office for the first time. He was scared.

To go one step further, I later contacted his wife. The AP had implied that she already knew, so I wasn't expecting to break the news, but that's how it turned out. Anyway, she and I established an open line of communication, and this was awesome, because each of our spouses knew that any exposure on one end would be shared immediately.

Just my two cents...

Whitecarrera, you reached out to the AP in order to convey information (that you knew and would escalate if the AP didn't slink away). That's very different than reaching out in order to obtain information (which is a scenario in which the BS risks a lot with little hope of gaining much). I just want Diva19 to be clear on the difference.

Yes thank you I did realize what the difference was in letting the other person know and getting some information about what went on with the affair two different scenarios one is definitely destructive and no means to an end holding the ap responsible is the wrong thing to do I am realizing that

I texted the AP in anger and I regret doing that.

As others said it gave her a window into our M and made her feel important. An apology from her would have been nice but she was not the least bit sorry. Just sorry for herself.

Like others have said it will just make things worse.

Think about how she was already being possessive of your H. Her answer true or not will be "we are madly in love". "We’ve done XY and Z". She will try to drive the wedge deeper in your M. Neither her or your H can be trusted.

swmnbc - did you think I wasn't clear enough in making that distinction myself?

With that said though, don't put any faith in what they say. If all you're looking for is answers or verification, then I agree with the others -- they lie and lie and lie some more, and they've probably compared notes in order to cover each other's back.

I did and I am glad I did, even after decades OM1 still had a cover story and justification. I let him talk mostly.

If they lie you know what is not true, and can exclude it, if they lie enough than you can draw an outline of their lies and the truth is outside of it.

If they say the standard lies you can extrapolate them.

Also you can tell your WS that you spoke with OW or OM and they told you everything.