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So this is probably a weird question to ask anyone but I was wondering if anyone has this same thought. I found out just 6 months ago my husband was cheating ea turned pa and had way to many run ins with the ap. My question is after I have asked my husband how he felt about the ow he tells me of course liked the attention but I say how do you feel now he says doesn't care about her at all she was just a person he used for his own reasons didn't think she was attractive or a good person he says she was broken just like him so they connected. Sorry that was alot but my actual point is I feel like him not feeling what he did to another person is bad and he used her and doesn't care about her well being at all I mean I know I shouldn't either but I'm a human being of course but it shows his character as a man and a person she is young and stupid obviously because she didn't care what she was doing after I introduced myself but should I really not care about how he feels now about what he did to her like doesn't show he isn't a good character of a person. I know sounds weird I should even say it out loud why should I care but it's not really about her it's about him and what he can just dismiss as he was a awful person not just to me but someone else. Is that dumb?

You have discovered the selfishness of affairs. The Wayward and AP lie and use each to gain something, it’s all a façade to keep up the fantasy fairytale life they have constructed.

My WW’s AP was not anything special, he was not her type at all, he was right place at the right time and played a roll in her fairytale.

First off, whatever you're feeling is valid and not at all dumb. That's how feelings work, you don't control their appearance they just happen; a feeling can't be invalid because it demonstrably just happened.

That said, you can do dumb things based on your valid feelings or believe dumb things based on your valid feelings and that's what we want to steer away from.

I think an affair can be a lot about the WS wanting their ego stroked and if that's the goal you "affair down" for maximum ego kibbles. I was just talking about this in my own thread here on SI. Let me grab that.

I've been thinking about ego a lot lately. The other day on Reddit there was a thread about waywards insulting their AP during R and in the comments someone brought up the term "affair down," which is when the AP is decidedly less attractive than the BS.

My WW had previously said something to the effect of "it's not that he was bigger or better looking than you, if anything it's the opposite, but he was nice to me and paid attention to me."

The first time I heard that I heard a reassurance for me, the word "but," and then a justification for her shit choice. But in the context of the affair down idea, the whole thing is justification. She picked a guy that was more than a decade older than us, who was less attractive than me, who made less money than me (or her for that matter). A guy for whom my WW was probably the hottest chick he'd ever managed to land. It's no wonder that he fawned over her; if you get a goose that lays golden eggs you keep that bird happy as fuck. What an ego trip that must be.

There are a couple ways of thinking about this, I think.

1. Your WS didn't pick his AP except that he chose her from small selection of women (perhaps a vanishingly small selection) who were messed up enough in their own right to settle for being the OW and craved your WS attention enough that she would treat him to all the ego kibbles he so craved.

2. Your WS picked her because he knew she was messed up and what you consider the EA could also be described as grooming.

I can't tell you which of those two are true or if either of them are. If you think that it might be #2 you should talk about it in IC or MC (you're doing at least one of those right?).

...it's not really about her it's about him and what he can just dismiss as he was a awful person not just to me but someone else. Is that dumb?

Bingo! You nailed it! Just like Tanner said, "This is the selfishness of affairs." And, you got to this point faster than a lot of us did!

One of the attractive aspects of an A is the knowledge they're doing something wrong, something illegal. They have to be sneaky about it because there is the danger of getting caught. It's kind of like a roller coaster ride. It is designed to look dangerous and give you lots of thrills, but you're really not going to get hurt.

Sometimes people get caught in that desire for the thrill of an A, but unlike the roller coaster, the A does have consequences and people get hurt every time. This shows you the lack of forethought one partner had for the other.

It is a very selfish and sad thing to do, indeed.

The selfishness of affairs. Bingo!!!!!

My H became a completely different person during his two affairs. Cold hearted. Cruel. Selfish and entitled.

During his second affair he practically paraded the affair in front of me. The audacity of him to then get upset when I told him it was "her or me" b/c I am not living under these conditions.

The audacity of him getting upset when I told him to "get out" and "I am divorcing you b/c you continued to lie and cheat."

What is interesting is the illogical notion that you want your cheating spouse to kick the AP to the curb — but then you wonder if the CS can just kick the AP to the curb — would they do the same to you?

During his affair my H was kicking me to the curb. So I know that situation all too well.

And that is why I will continue to preach that EVERY ONE needs to financially protect themselves and have a plan B.

Deleted, apologies. Didn't realize which forum I was in.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:09 PM, Tuesday, April 25th]