SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mostly, I just read or stay away. I’d say we’re 85-90% there. I’m super grateful for that. It’s been an eventful year. Suddenly empty nesters. FWH planned all sorts of wonderful adventures….and we ticked them off our list.

I feel like such an idiot even writing this. Mostly, I feel like I won. I like the guy I’m married to now much better than pre-A. I get triggered and 90% of the time, I process it and don’t let it change my day. There are plenty of triggery places and events. It’s a small, small town. I still work out at the gym and occasionally run into OW. She was a "friend". Most of the time I’m ok. It is just something that happened.

A few weeks ago, FWH was in a bad accident. He didn’t remember how it happened and came to in an ambulance. Thankful, he was with a male friend, they were riding bikes. Male friend is a friend of our marriage and made sure he was ok. I had been out of town and rushed back. And, thankfully, FWH is going to be ok. It’s been a nearly 3 week recovery for him. He’s still not completely recovered and in pain. I’m sure he’s frustrated by that. Lots of time home from work. He’s almost always on the go, and this is a real challenge for him. I’ve been doing a lot of care taking, which mostly I’m happy to do. But, while in pain….FWH reverts to being an insensitive jerk and said something extremely triggering last night. Nothing serious, he just wasn’t thinking. The A happened while I was doing something that I loved….he waited until I was at church or out with girlfriends….even four years later….I’ll do those things, but they give me pause. He said something silly about how he thought I was staying home to take care of him because I didn’t trust him. He’s in pain and angry about it. Made me totally want to go back through his devices - which he will give up freely.

What’s worse for me is that, I’m so angry with myself….for being THAT wife….the one he cheated on. I know I should be grateful of where we are. But, these little slips, these human slips….it’s not even A related really….just puts me in that "I’m outta here" mode.

Told him about it….he brought home flowers….and apologizes. Just so angry that this is a part of my life at all.

I totally hear you, it’s completely unfair that this betrayal nonsense is part of our lives.

I try to comfort myself from thoughts like that that life is greatly unfair in many ways to basically everyone. I think of how hard (and unfair) it would be to lose a young child and am glad I don’t have that. I am in no way minimizing your experience, just sharing things that I’ve thought about.

I view triggers as pain coming to the surface to be released forever. I truly think that's valid/accurate.

The corollary is that triggers happen. They sneak up and hurt a lot. One can quickly learn to deal with triggers that are inevitable, like seeing ow. But the rough ones come from out of the blue, and I agree BSes are vulnerable to triggers because our WSes cheated.

My reco is to accept them and ride them as if they are ocean waves. You have the triggers; they don't have you.

The one positive thing I can say about triggers is that they get fewer and less frequent.

Bike rider here ... feeling sorry for myself because I'm missing good rides because of bronchitis. I feel bad enough about that. My sympathy to your H for his accident. I wish him a rapid, full recovery. I'm very glad he had a companion when the accident occurred.

I feel like such an idiot even writing this.

I am happy you chose to share this with us. I hope it made you feel better (((HUGS))). Sometimes just writing stuff out helps to clear up some of the murkiness in our heads that triggers bring.

I am also happy that your FWH is going to be ok! That must have been scary to find this out like you did! This can also bring out triggery thoughts too. Your FWH did well in not becoming defensive...but apologizing instead. And flowers are always NICE!

Just to let you know...you aren't THAT wife. He was THAT husband. It is a subtle difference...but may help to put things in a different perspective for you. THAT husband was WEAK and SELFISH. THAT husband put himself above the BEST person in his life. YOU Dear Lady...are the KIND and CARING wife who chose to give THAT husband grace and mercy despite his really horrible choice to betray you. When THAT husband was given the chance to become the person his wife deserved...he made the choice to become THIS husband you have now. See what I did there?!

I use those same words...to distinguish my H from THAT husband who cheated...to THIS husband I have now...lol. I never changed my core...HE did. THAT husband became someone who was not deserving of the wife I am. I wasn't going to have THAT husband in my M. IF he was willing to change and become the husband that was worthy of being married to ME...then I was willing to give him the grace and mercy of another chance to become that changed person. Just like your FWH...my H took that chance I gave him...and never looked back! THIS husband I now have is so much BETTER...in EVERY way!!

Thank you for rephrasing this so beautifully. I needed that.

I am happy it helped (((HUGS))). R is NOT easy...but having BOTH of you wanting it is half the battle!

EVERY experience we have is recorded in our limbic system...and it instinctively comes out when we have a similar experience...giving us our flight...fight...or freeze response. It is very useful in protecting us...but sometimes our own bodies can feel like it is betraying us!!

Your flight response instinctively came out...but you didn't act on it. That is GOOD! That part in your "lizard brain" CAN be retrained...only it can't be from logic. It can only be changed when the experience changes. The more you have an experience that calms that flight response...the less you will feel that response. It sounds MUCH easier than it is though! But once we can understand these responses...the easier it is for us to see what experience can be changed.