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Yes my children are my top priority. I had a switch off with my husband last night, he spending the weekend with the kids. They are really pressing me to let him come home. I feel the kids are thinking that I am the reason for our breaking up.
Our daughter wants to be with him 24/7. They are close. I feel sad, I realize this is best for me. I say anything disrespectful or negative about their father. I sat them down and I have talked to them about everything, they are young and really do not understand despite my explaining. They are always saying Daddy is really sad, he loves and misses you. I dont quite know how to respond! I love and miss him too, but that will not fix what he has broken. I dont want to seem heartless and cold. It's just a terrible situation all around. The kids are in counseling and I believe it's too soon to tell what affects it is having on them. They just keep saying they want him home. With him being a ER Physician, he's gone a lot, so the time they do share is precious and they feel like it's down to nothing. They miss the routine, he comes home in the morning and he will prepare breakfast,take them to school, that's their special alone time.
Now summer break is here and they are still expecting our family vacation, something I honestly let slip my mind. They called me this morning concerned asking if were still going?! It seems all these little family things I took for granted has become a huge mound of stress.
My husband asked if I would give him five minutes to speak. He asked how we are going to handle it? He doesn't want to cancel, they look forward to this time every year. Our entire family attends and I just can't process what to do. I put him off and said we can talk about it Sunday evening, when the kids return.
He has been better about respecting my wishes, but he started with the I love you, I miss you. I can't be without you. I'm sorry. I said, I can't talk about this right now. Please stop. He apologizes again. He asks if I would attend marriage counseling with him. He is in IC and he ask if I will attend a session with him, to talk things out. He sent Roses to me today. I feel like he is circling back around to the I'm going to win her back. I thanked him for the beautiful flowers, I love roses, so I am appreciative. But I don't want to give the man any false hope.
He has been moping around, and drinking more again. My brother in law who is trying to remain neutral, says he cries all the time. He really loves you. He knows he fucked up. He did say he understands if I want a divorce, but he loves his brother and hates that he ruined our family, but I should really try to save the marriage. I wasn't offended, I know he means well! This has hurt both sides of the family deeply. My husband is ashamed, his Father is extremely angry, his Mother is disappointed and angry, she raised him better, they're both in disbelief that he has done this.
His Father asked me if he was drinking or possibly doing drugs?! This isn't like my husband to be this kind of man. I don't believe he was using drugs or what made him do what he did. But drug usage is high in his field. Its a hard career extremely stressful. I dont have the answers. I just know that I really need time and space. It's all so new, I feel I can never forgive him. He got another woman pregnant!!! He isnt around me, but he is constantly checking up on me through friends and family. I didn't know this until yesterday. My closest friend said he asked her if other men have been trying to talk to me, because everyone knows we are broken up, most likely divorcing.
The man he went into rage over will no longer associate with me, my husband threatened him!! But he apparently did have motives, he's attracted to me. So I feel its better for now Not to associate with this man. But my husband threatened him and that isnt acceptable.
I feel things may get worse before they get better. My husband is a very ambitious man. Hes made it clear he's not giving up easily. I am afraid of things getting out of control. Or maybe I am just hurting and blowing things out of proportion like my sister says.
She feels I should expect him to try and win me back, he didn't want to lose me even though its selfish it's a natural reaction. Reality has really shaken him. He obviously did realize the repercussions of his actions. Which leads me to say he is very intelligent but he lacks common sense.
I wish I could just disappear. He is very stressful to deal with. But having kids he will always be in my life. He can return home if he wishes because he does own this house, I am afraid he may try to at some point. I have a million thoughts racing through my mind. I'm just so tired and sad. This is weighing so heavily on me. My biggest fear is how is this all affecting my kids. I can't think of myself at this point. I'm trying to take care of myself but it's hard to do so.

Hi, are you in IC? If not, you need to make it a top priority.

Right now you are still in the shock/trauma phase. I think you need to just slow down and breathe. You and your children are your top priority.

I am glad your husband is being respectful of your wishes. If you are set on divorce, don't give him any false hope.

Does your family that goes on this vacation together know what's happened? Can you go and make sure your WH understands strict boundaries? I say this because the kids are probably emotionally fragile and being around family and just having fun and getting away from all the tension would probably be beneficial. You'd have to explain to them that the vacation doesn't mean daddy is moving back home. Like you stated, your WH will always be in your life so sometimes you are going to have to bite the bullet and do what's best for your children. It stinks.

You are thinking about too many "what ifs" which is understandable since this is all new. Step back for a moment and just get through one day at a time.

When you speak with your husband, I hope he's not drinking. Both of you need to think clearly and his increased drinking is just going to add fuel to the huge fire that's burning in your family.

Sending a virtual hug.

BTW, have you spoken with your MD about temporary medications? Most here have taken them to help us sleep or cope.

You definitely need to a counselor/therapist for yourself. You are the person under the most stress and everyone is putting more and more pressure on you.

The kids are in counseling and I believe it's too soon to tell what affects it is having on them.

I would advise that you talk tot their therapist about the pressure your husband is putting on them to convince you to reconcile. He's manipulating the children and the counselor needs to know that.

Hi Bella,

You are doing so well in a very difficult situation. It is stressful and it is emotional, but you need to continue to be strong.

This reminds me very much of how my ex was. So so full of shame. But he still did not truly truly get it. The first Christmas that we were separated, He was very upset because no one spent Christmas with him. He was alone. He told me he felt that he was ostracized from his own family. What he didn’t understand was that he had hurt his entire family and that there are consequences to bad choices. When I read how your husband is right now, it does remind me of that.

Your husband needs to live with this, and truly truly work through his whys, understand his choices, and accept that he did this. He also needs to accept that when trust based on love is broken, or in your case smashed, it takes a very long time to rebuild that. Even to a friendship level. And if you do come to trust him again, that is an incredible gift. You really do not owe him very much, other than he is the father of your children. Please do not get back together with him just for that reason. If that happens, it essentially gives him all the power

I suggest that you are careful with the amount of time you spend with him. . it is OK your kids don’t understand. Adults don’t understand this either. I would suggest that you modify your vacation approach so that there is still some fun for the kids, but in a way that you are comfortable with it. Perhaps he has them for a week and you have them for a week.

I do worry about his shame. Shame is akin to anger and it doesn’t take much to move from one to the other.

Bella, your kids will be OK, they have an amazing mother. The best thing for children is to have happy parents that does not mean the parents have to live together what I hope for you is that you work very hard towards becoming happy and confident, your kids need a healthy mom.

Please keep taking one day at a time. You really are doing so amazing and such a challenging situation.

Hugs

I have been given a bit of relief. My husband has started his Vacation. And he has taken the kids. I have been taking sleep medication, it's a natural medication. I have been able to rest and I have been attending morning Yoga and I already feel better, just from the Yoga.
My husband started once again with the I'm concerned about her, with our families. I don't think he means harm. I do believe he is truly concerned. I have lost a lot of weight and had trouble sleeping and eating. My skin looked pale. I always had great communication with my husband and often talked to him when I was not feeling well. I think it is more him not knowing me anymore. I can see how reality is hitting him quite hard. He even said he has to remind himself that we are no longer together.
I have withdrawn from the family vacation this year, I think the kids took it well. My Father and Mother-in-Law helped. They made the kids understand they will have fun and see cousins, and it distracted them. I told them Mommy was going to take some time to rest. They seem to be ok with it. They promised to bring me gifts!
My husband didn't take it as well. He thought it would be a time for us trying to reconcile and talk. He picked the kids up Yesterday. They are all packed and ready to go. I made it clear to him, I know this marriage will not work, I was not going on vacation and I know he wanted to lash out to say something, but he didn't because the kids were right there. I'm waiting for a backlash today. He was saying, I needed to attend. I look frail. I've not been myself. I have been really quiet and it is concerning. He also made the point of saying, He knows this is all his fault. He is the reason I am not well, can he drop the kids and come back and take care of me??? I said very steadily, No, I just need a divorce s I can start my life over. So I can begin to heal. Please. The look that came over his face, was anger. He again, contained his anger because the kids were next to us. He says. "Not ever going to happen, I'll be back alone, so we can straighten this all out." He was PISSED. He didn't return last night because he has the kids. I have not heard from him this morning as of yet.
I know he doesn't like what he is hearing but it is the truth, I have to be honest. I don't want to give him any reason to think he will be able to fix this. But I don't want to be harsh, or unkind. I don't want to trigger anger within him. So I'm trying to think of how to respond when he does "return" to talk. I need this conversation to be the last conversation before I ask him to sign divorce papers. So I'm a bit nervous today. But I know I have to do this.

The last time he didn't like something you said, and he became angry, he raped and beat you,with your children listening.

I really feel that seems to be getting swept under the rug.

It blows my mind that anyone thinks you should try to work it out.

It blows my mind that the kids are spending so much time alone with him.

He snapped,and attacked you in the worst possible way. What if he snaps with the kids.

He is not safe. For any of you. He is not the man you thought he was. Because that man wouldn't rape a woman. This man did. This is the man you should be dealing with.

Bella.

Your H may want to live in denial b/c HE doesn’t want a D. But unfortunately he’s forced to live in the aftermath of HIS poor choices.

I agree with others that we are very concerned given his most recent violent actions.

I would never agree to attend marriage counseling with him b/c that is giving him false hope.

But having a counselor for you is most important right now. You need support from a non- family member who can give you the best advice right now.

Maybe after a few sessions you would agree to have a joint session with your H AND your counselor to set him straight in your chosen path. Having a third party present will help you and also give you an advantage to have someone else present to possibly intervene and de-escalate the situation.

I’m so sorry for you. I hope this advice helps you. It seems as though your H is used to getting his own way and has a hard time dealing with things when he doesn’t.

The advice does help. I have been wanting the kids to not spend any time with him. But he has parental rights. He has not harmed them so I dont have grounds for withholding them from him.
I am in IC. I has been good to speak to someone. I had a session today.I was discouraged to attend any sessions with my husband even if we were to reconcile he needs to have sessions solo. I have no interest in reconciling, I dont want to make any major decisions right away, I need time. I will be interacting with him alone as little as possible. His outburst are worrisome and they're not typical of the man I thought I knew. I question so many things. He keeps saying he loves me and I just find it all suffocating.
I hate to say it, but I'm finding it harder and harder to respect and trust him.

I’m sorry you are in this mess.

I think your H (or STBXH) is becoming unhinged b/c he cannot control the situation and he’s not getting what he wants.

Sadly he continues to think he’s still in a marriage with you and fails to realize the consequences of his actions.

You see the cheaters often think "my spouse is not going to find out" so they don’t think about the consequences of cheating. Then the spouse finds out and the cheater thinks it’s no big deal. And think a few "I’m sorry" words and it’s over.

When in fact the aftermath has just begun.

Hang in there. We all understand how hard this is. Glad you have counseling for yourself. Just know you will survive this. We all do. Especially when children are involved. It’s that time where you are string and do your best b/c of your kids.

Another member concerned for your safety based on his latest comments.

Does your WH still have keys to your home? If so, I'd have the locks changed asap, check with your attorney first.

Do you have a security system? If so, change the code asap.

If he shows up at your door, please don't let him in if you are alone.

Bella, your WS has a very intense job and, although it goes against his training, he could be using to manage the stress. Second is the possibility of some form of early dementia. Has he played contact sports, been in a wreck, had a concussion? For his behavior to be this outrageous it should be looked into.
I think protecting yourself is what you need to focus on including finances, housing etc..

Just checking in to see how you (and kids) are doing. Hope your counseling continues to help you.

You will survive this. We all do.

He has parental rights only because the authorities don't know he beat and raped you. Only because CPS doesn't know what he did, with the kids listening.

Fuck HIS rights. The children's safety is more important.

Stand up for yourself. And those kids.

The kids have been terribly traumatized. They want things to go back to the way they were,because then they can pretend it never happened.

They desperately need therapy. If they don't get it immediately, this will be a poison, that will affect every part of their lives, for the rest of their lives.

By allowing him complete access to them,and you not holding him accountable, your son is learning it's ok to rape and beat wome n, because they will stay quiet if they're scared enough. And your daughter is being taught there are circumstances in which it's ok to protect a man who rapes her.

You have no choice here. You've been pretending you do. He has to be reported. Otherwise all of the rest of you will forever drown in the poison.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:52 PM, Sunday, July 2nd]

SB, how are you doing? How did the vacation go? Please check in.

Bumping this thread because I'm concerned for your safety, Bella.

Even a brief check-in would be appreciated.

Hope you are okay.

Hello everyone,

I apologize it's been a while since I have updated everyone, or checked in. So sorry for the delay. I am okay. My children are okay as well. A lot has been happening, I have had to figure so many things out, so many hard choices to make. My last update was that my kids were going on the annual family vacation. They did go and they had a wonderful time. I had time to myself, which was much needed. After the trip they attended camp and this also gave me some much-needed time.

My husband and I have separated. He has moved out, although he is just 3 minutes away. It's a start. I have done my due diligence to find out what a divorce would entail. I have joined a women's group at my parish, and I have been attending professional counseling. It has helped. My husband has begun respecting my boundaries. It seems just out of the blue. After he returned from the family vacation. He and I met and we talked. He listened. He wasn't getting puffed up, he wasn't love bombing, he apologized for hurting me, for hurting our children, and for destroying our marriage. He made it clear though, he doesn't want a divorce. He still loves me more than everything. He made a terrible mistake, but he knows he is wrong for expecting me to forgive him.

He is renting a home that is close, so the kids can see him easily. He has started a surgical program so it keeps him busy, and his focus is on his studies and work and his kids., So it has gone in my favor he hasn't had the time to bother me. He pays for everything at our home. No questions asked. He doesn't give me money, of course, but he takes care of the home as if he still lives here. He takes care of the kids' needs and spends as much time as possible.

I have not fully decided on a divorce yet. I think I will eventually come to filing, but right now, I feel safe and comfortable. The kids are seeming to calm down. They see Daddy is no longer home, but he is just around the corner. The tension has subsided, It's just better in small ways than before. I don't push him. I keep to myself, I am quiet. I let him see his kids. I don't stir the pot so to speak. I'm not sure where he stands. Everything is calm, he is respectful. He has sent me flowers a couple of times, and has sent lunch delivery for me, he said just to be nice. He has said to me "I miss you." "I love you." But the outburst and the angry stares, the clinching of his fist, and him walking away, so he can control his anger at my comments. They have all "stopped".

At this point in time I am just focused on making life stable for the kids. The school will be starting soon for them, so my focus is just on my kids. I am okay, and I am just taking everything one day at a time.

[This message edited by SicilianBella at 4:12 AM, Sunday, July 30th]

Now that you can breathe then just do that. Taking your time will give you necessary info on how to make good, rational decisions.
Very glad you are less stressed.

I’m Happy you have found some peace. 💕

Thank You! But fingers are still always crossed. I was blind-sided once, so I'm ready for anything to go off the rails at any time for some reason. I hate he has done this to me. Made me feel anxious and untrusting about anything good or when anything is seemingly going right.

I feel I am in a constant wait for the other shoe to drop, or he presents me with papers and says he's moving back in because he has the legal right. I know it's all crazy thoughts, but I just cannot allow myself to get too comfortable.

My Therapist says I need to learn to let those negative emotions go, but, they just POP out of nowhere, and I'm not, not letting them go. They just keep haunting me. Pathetic I know.