SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you, Mamabear2813!

You give me strength to keep my boundaries! It has been so hard not to give in to the pressures for help and the desperation my WH sometimes shows. But he seems completely different and in control when I give in a little and accept some help (today he went to buy medicine for my mother, who doesn't know we are separated). The truth is that only three of our closest friends know we are separated (and also some of my kids' friends who slept over at my new house). My WH has been subtly trying to dissuade us from talking about the separation, because he says he is afraid it will make it final.

Our daughter told me that my WH had asked her and her brother to tell me they wanted to see us together again. And she said my WH talked about the separation as something difficult to understand that I had decided to do. I didn't show her how I found these comments disappointing, because I'm trying not to get the kids involved. My daughter doesn't know the whole story, but she knows he betrayed me and therefore she perceived that conversation as manipulative.

It really feels like he is trying to control my choices and my journey. I truly must find the strength to overcome the discomfort of not complying with his requests and offers for help, even when he is distressed.

A big hug

It really feels like he is trying to control my choices and my journey. I truly must find the strength to overcome the discomfort of not complying with his requests and offers for help, even when he is distressed.

Every time he is "distressed" you need to change that word to "manipulative" in your brain. If he’s magically fine when you’ve caved, he’s absolutely full of shit and just pushing the buttons he knows will work to get you to give in.

He know how to push these buttons because he’s likely been using them for the duration of your marriage. If you look back, I’m guessing you’ll see some red or at least yellow flags about the way he managed conflict and control.

The first step is recognizing his BS— you are coming out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and he doesn’t like it, which is also why he’s pulling your children in (which is disgusting and should enrage you). Your daughter recognized his BS too, so yay for that. She can respond to him "please leave me out of your and mom’s marriage. It’s inappropriate to involve me in these discussions."

When you’re ready, it’s time to start claiming your new life. Tell people you’re separated. Don’t allow him to control the narrative of what people in your life know and don’t know. He doesn’t get to have THAT control, either.

Keep setting firm boundaries and sticking to them. You can expect him to try all his tricks— hysterics, suicidal ideation (call 911 and send them to his house), yada yada. Which is all so especially ironic given HE caused this. But anyway, see the hysterics for the manipulation they are and move on with your day. I’d strongly recommend putting him on Do Not Disturb on your phone when he doesn’t have the children. There’s no reason he should need to contact you, and he doesn’t need to know the goings on or your day to day, either.

And know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is NOT how a truly remorseful spouse acts. Or even a regretful one who’s trying to get healthy. Hang in there!

He says he doesn't know how he could have been so weak and asks me not to forget our 30-year long story (why didn’t he think about that during all those years he was cheating on me?).

How dare he say that to you!!!!! You did not forget. YOU did not cheat.

Our daughter told me that my WH had asked her and her brother to tell me they wanted to see us together again. And she said my WH talked about the separation as something difficult to understand that I had decided to do.

And the audacity to do this! To try and manipulate your children against you for his own agenda. If your children are adults, I would just very briefly state what happen. You don't have to go into any sordid details, but you could say, "You father had a four year affair. I cannot trust him, and I don't want to be in a marriage with someone I cannot trust."

I am so sorry you're going through this. You deserve so much better.

Not too smart is he?

Thank you so much for your support!
It has been very difficult to stay on course.
When I tell him that he is manipulating me, he tells me that he is only trying to find excuses to help me and be with me.
He talks about all the things that he wants to do for me, to live with me. He cries a lot and asks for forgiveness. I feel drained. I already feel like a balloon that has been blown up by what has happened. But when he declares his love in the most exaggerated way and promises everything, I lose my strength and really don't know what to do. I told him there are couples that stop frequent interactions, but he tells me there are couples that go on living together. I can feel he is desperate, but I am so hurt and angry for what he did. And I truly believe I must fight to have control over my life (although I am so low that I'm even thinking of quitting my job, since I’m not being able to fulfil my duties).
A big hug

Given the details of how all this played out and how your husband has been manipulating and psychologically abusing you since discovery, I don’t think believe for a second that he was a hapless victim of con artist.

In fact, he seems like predator in this situation. He found someone online in a poor country who was in desperate enough circumstances that she was selling herself for money. He brought her into this country, under the pretense of providing her with a legitimate job, education, a future outside of the sex trade… and then proceeded to use her for sex.

The term for that is sex trafficking. It’s not only illegal, it’s despicable and immoral.

He didn’t end this relationship out of guilt. Unless you have evidence to the contrary, it’s far more likely that it ended because the financial arrangement was becoming unsustainable and/or OW realized that he had completely misled her about his intentions when he brought her into this country.

In any case, as soon as her existence became inconvenient, he shipped her back to her home country like a faulty package he ordered on Amazon.

This is not the behavior of a good or even decent man. He sees no value in women other than the purpose they serve him— you as his wife appliance and OW as his sex doll.

In fact, I don’t think your husband has ever had much of a conscience, but you’ve been with him so long and were so emotionally enmeshed that you probably excused a lot of bad behavior by him over the years.

Edit; add: As for advice going forward…

-You need to retain an attorney ASAP, even if you aren’t emotionally ready to file. Given the extent of the financial infidelity involved, and the potential illegality of his actions, you will need proper legal representation to protect yourself and your kids, and help determine your best course of action.
-If possible, hire the services of a forensic accountant who can comb through your finances and uncover shady transactions, hidden accounts, and debts that you might not be aware. Unless you and your husband are extremely wealthy, I don’t see how your husband was able to pull off this ruse without incurring sizable debt and/or committing egregious financial crimes in the process.
-DO NOT quit your job! If you’re underperforming, I highly recommend that you have a talk with your manager about what’s going on. You don’t need to get into all the gory details, except to say that you’re having marital problems and a potentially contentious separation. If possible, get a leave of absence on the basis of mental health issues.
-Get your own therapist to help provide you with guidance, support, and a clear perspective. You should secure one for your children as well, especially given your husband’s attempts to use them as pawns.
-DO NOT go to couples’ counseling with him. He will use therapy as a forum to continue to manipulate you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:17 AM, Thursday, May 18th]

I have read your story so many times and wanted to post. I truly feel your pain and lived it. My husband too started an emotional affair with a gal from Southeast Asia. He met her on a healing trip with men he had been in the war there with. He also was saving her from this horrible life. He didn’t realize she had been a prostitute and aged out at 28. He said she never asked for money but…he took her out to eat and she was a waitress so he left her LARGE tips. I got suspicious when he was telling me how several of the guys came home divorced their wives and were in relationships with women from there that they met. I also thought my husband the most honorable person I knew. I never dreamed he would do this. We have now been married 40 years but it is so hard. The resentment just bubbles up. I adored my husband and my only sin seems to be to haven gotten old. I envy you that you were strong enough to have given yourself space away from him. He keeps saying he was never going to divorce me and marry her. I say he doesn’t know how far it would have gone if I hadn’t found out and put a stop to it! What is it with old men and young women? I don’t get it. We have traveled the world and it always frustrates him when trying to understand someone with an accent plus she had an eighth grade education. What in the world did he have in common…oh yeah and the idiot has been impotent for 21 years. Anyways this is your journey I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone there are a lot of us with this nonstop pain.

Awarenesshurts, you are on the right path. Keep on going! I think you're darn mighty. You may not feel mighty right now, but think about it. He's browbeating you into taking him back, and forcibly inserting himself into the new life you're building for you and your kids. He's like an octopus - oozing and insinuating himself into your life by "doing" things for you. What he's really doing is attempting to regain control - one tentacle at a time. It's admirable that you initiated the separation process. It must have been a challenge to make the move to the new house etc. with his constant manipulations working against you! You got that done. Yes, you are mighty. Kudos!

Next up is to keep taking mighty steps down your path out of this - move to the necessary next steps to further separate yourself from him and his water torture drip drip drip of constant bullying. Yes, BULLYING - "Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm." When he cries, begs and pleads non-stop he's using the self pity channel to bully you. And bullying is psychological harm - bullying is ABUSE.

It's not surprising you're susceptible to his bullying. He bullied you into Unmet Needs MC where he has carte blanche to manipulate; where the "therapist" and he beat you down with fallacy of Unmet Needs tag team moves. And, even though you live in separate homes, it feels like he has you locked up tight. You're supposedly separated - but you're functioning in a twilight limbo that is not a true separation. He's constantly in your space "doing" for you, appears to have unfettered access to you, and appears to be controlling the narrative and flow of information between you and people who care about you - people who could support you and help get through this. Which is methodically ISOLATING you. ISOLATION is another hallmark of ABUSE.

Lean into your new life! You don't have to do this alone. Bring the separation out into the light - make it REAL for friends and family by telling them the truth about the situation. You don't have to go into the nitty gritty of why you're separated, but feels like it's time to be honest with people who care about you. Rally a core group of supportive friends and family around you and the kids! Telling others about the separation will also make it more REAL for YOU.

BluerThanBlue's assessment is spot on - "Given the extent of the financial infidelity involved, and the potential illegality of his actions, you will need proper legal representation to protect yourself and your kids, and help determine your best course of action." Yes, what he did sure does meet the definition of sex trafficking. Please retain a lawyer as part of your support team ASAP.

And, I URGE you to dig into the financial fraud.

"They met several times a week during these almost 4 years" - several web cam sessions per week for almost FOUR YEARS can add up to a SIGNIFICANT sum. You said "he gave me all the money he had gathered to support her." Use that money to retain the attorney maybe? Gently, unless a lawyer or forensic accountant was involved, you only know what he told you. The further you dig the more financial abuse you may unearth. As BluerThanBlue pointed out, unless you're wealthy, it's likely some kind of theft/fraud was involved to pay for three years of webcam sessions, and a year of real life support. Where did he "gather" (steal?) thousands and thousands of dollars? Her HI-B visa alone was probably at least $5,000.00. Maybe more. Did he take out additional mortgages on your home? Did he cash in retirement funds or college savings plans? Is he in a position of trust or power where he could embezzle? Or if self-employed, is he robbing Peter to pay Paul? What about hidden credit card debt? His desperation to keep control, to keep the marriage intact, may be tied to the financial abuse. No divorce means hidden debts/financial crimes stay hidden. For now. Bonus: unearthing his dirt also helps you to see the reality of who he is. He is not the "wise" man created in your mind.

In addition to retaining a lawyer, please work with your therapist ASAP on ways to strengthen your resolve. The right therapist will be an invaluable member of your support team. If you can, immediately start working with the therapist a few sessions a week to triage the urgent need to put up boundaries. I'm hopeful therapy will give you tools to identify his behaviors as what they really are, and strategies to put solid boundaries in place. One boundary to work on ASAP is rules around him being in your new home. Your home should be your sanctuary; your place of safety and healing. His presence there is defeating the whole purpose of being separated! Separation is supposed to give you space to heal, and the time to figure out what comes next. You can't do that if he's in your face trying to take charge. Plus it's confusing for your kids. Any visits with the kids should be on HIS time in HIS home. Boundaries not only protect you, they help your kids to have structure and a reliable, predictable environment.

You've already come so far! Truly. Don't despair. You don't have to do this alone. Don't let him isolate you! Get help! Put your support team in place. Your team will help to navigate this hell he created. One step at a time until you reach the goal. To summarize, piggybacking on previous posts:

- Retain a lawyer. Don't lose sight of the big picture while struggling with day to day realities of his psychological abuse. Protect you and the kids from his illegal doings/theft.

- See a doctor about a medical leave of absence and meds to deal with the intrusive thoughts, sleep meds etc. Recruit your doctor as a valued member of your support team. They've heard it all, so don't be afraid to be honest while seeking their help. Get that STD panel if you haven't taken care of this NECESSARY step.

- Tell the truth about the separation. Rally supportive friends and family around you. Talk to your boss about what's going on.

- Work intensely with the new therapist. Get therapy for your kids - he's manipulating and using them as well! Put up boundaries. Fight for the breathing space you so desperately need.

You can do it. I know this feels daunting. It's time to get angry. He lied to you and DEFRAUDED your family. Anger will help you do what you need to do. Anger will help marshal your inner strength to protect your family.

So, get your real world support team in place. SI is your virtual support team, but we can't take the place of the support you need in real life. Keep posting here and we'll cheer you on. Hugs to you and your kids.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:32 PM, Sunday, May 21st]

He lied for 4 years.....lied, deceived, manipulated. He had thousands of opportunities to stop what he was doing and he did not. Every time he texted her, met her, slept with her, thought of her, he made a conscious decision to do so and to lie and conceal it.
If he could lie all this time what makes you think that anything that comes out of his mouth is truth?

Narcissist's are master manipulators. They can cry on demand, act sorry and remorseful, even manage to make people feel sorry for them but it is all for self preservation and their own self serving interests. They are sorry they got caught...period. They learn from being caught. They devise better lies and new ways to cover their tracks. Cheating is a choice, not a mistake. He made the choice over and over and over again to lie and disrespect you. How can you ever trust a thing he says? Can you live wondering who he is talking to on his phone or why he is late or what is making him smile? Once the trust is broken from someone who could so easily lie and deceive I do not think you can ever fully trust that person again. Even the slightest doubt can make your life hell again.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you. It is agony. I know all too well. I never saw it coming and still have a hard time believing it has happened. I am still in the thick of crying and not functioning. But what I do know as time passes, more truth/lies come out and even though I am not sure what could hurt me any deeper, I have learned he is still lying about things. His story constantly changes.

I am not in a position to tell you how to move on. I cannot seem to help myself at the moment. I do know other people who are having A's and trust me when I say even after they have been caught they just moved to the next A and try harder not to get caught this time. The issue is within them. They only care about their own desires and wants.
I hope you see him for the liar he is. He was financially supporting her as well which was money taken from your family. He was willing to do just about everything for her. Do not believe for one second that the Next woman who excites him this way, he will just walk past. Be true to yourself.