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Iam1983 ( new member) posted at 2:40 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023
I am 39 (f) husband is 50. Got pregnant at 21 only dated 3 months prior. I put my naive scared self into him 100% I dedicated the next 18 years to raising the family (2 daughters 17&15) working alongside him helping the business. He has always had a past of infidelity ( one night stands) but I chose then to turn a blind eye as my family was young and as a father he was a good one. 18 years later I am contemplating divorce. I through my own choice have not given myself anything, I have no career, no money and little self esteem. My confidence is shattered and I have found out recently (even though he denies) he has started an emotional affair, my intuition is something I do not second guess anymore . I don’t know anything but being with him. I find it so hard to let go, I am not even angry at him more angry at myself for putting myself in this position. We are extremely civil to each other, we don’t fight much, he says he still loves me and wants to be with me, I don’t understand this. I am petrified at the prospect of starting from zero, I have been dependent on him for the whole relationship. I have no friends and am isolated. I am an anxious mess I am not sure if I’m on the verge of being depressed.

My biggest issue is I really cannot tell if he is gaslighting me or that I am the way I am and my contribution to the relationship is the problem. I understand it was his choice to cheat but I can also admit I put out there some pretty negative style communications non responsive /silent treatment/ slept in a different room for almost 3 years. I have serious insecurity issues and my behaviour is boarderline ocd in investigating him and what he is up to. I had every reason to leave but I stayed. I honestly believe my behaviour is toxic. I don’t know if there is underlying issues I have? I understand he has his part too but I cannot help feeling that I openly accepted my situation. I am starting with a therapist this week.

I would like some advice/stories/tips on how to start over.

So sorry you had to find us. It sounds like he's a serial cheater, which is tough. I'm glad you're starting IC to work on yourself.

Have you thought about contacting Work Source or what your state may call the Employment Security Department? They may know of some training programs available to you. Would you be able to go back to school and get a certificate of degree?

Good luck!

You deserve better than to be with a man who has cheated on you for your entire relationship, dishonoring you and putting you at risk of STDs. If you've been turning a blind eye to his affairs for decades, then I don't blame you for not being the most loving and communicative spouse.

I think you're right to be contemplating divorce; besides, there's nothing stopping him from one day deciding to leave you for a mistress, particularly once your kids are out of the house. Would you rather get divorced on your own terms or get blindsided if he files during a time and circumstance most favorable to him?

To start, you should see a lawyer to find out what your rights are and what you could reasonably expect in terms of division of assets and spousal/child support. Alimony exists precisely to prevent people like you-- who gave up careers and earning potential to raise children-- from being left destitute if a marriage ends.

It's also not too late for you to go back to school and get trained for a job. You've stuck it out for this long; if you're not in imminent danger by staying in the marriage, you can hang around at least until your youngest turns 18 to carefully formulate your escape plan and give yourself as soft a landing as possible for when you pull the chute.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:54 PM, Tuesday, May 30th]