SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am struggling hard. I am struggling between wanting my relationship to work and realizing I may never feel the same way about him.

I need some honest feedback. The passionate love I had for him is gone. Can It come back ? Did It come back for you? I think that is what has me most depressed. Is that I don't love him the way that I used to. And I'm scared that I never will. But I'm also yearning for that passionate loving feeling again.

I guess I'm looking for some positive reconciliations. Looking to see if anybody had that passionate, loving love come back.

For some context, I am 2 years and 4 months past original D-Day, and 14 months past the final D-day. I'm still so angry, and sometimes I find myself not caring if he's ever happy again, not believing he deserves it. Sometimes I find myself being fine with putting him through hell just to stay with me. Because I live in a hell every day. And that's only fair right? I know all of this is wrong, I do but I just don't care most of the time. This has really fucked me up. I hate who this has turned me into. I am drowning.

My marriage is pretty good. I'll never feel "the same way" I did about my wife before the A. I do love her deeply and passionately, but also differently than before.

The permanent losses are on the long term daydreaming front, and my wife doesn't like that much (in another post I've explained she doesn't like that I don't say things like "I'll never leave you" anymore). I also never look at her and think "Gosh I'm lucky". I do sometimes look at her and think "We deserve this happy life" or "we've earned it".

As for just enjoying being around each other, getting the tingles on occasion, and looking forward to seeing her after being away are all back. She'll come to my desk and give me a kiss and I'll do the same for her. Little back rubs and signs of affection. Hysterical bonding has long since ended, but we generally have a good sex life (that I've complained about sometimes when we are in a lull, which we aren't right now).

I don't know if my post comes off as "passionate" but I'm also not someone you would have said exudes passion before the A either.

Dont think you ever will feel the exact same. Does it mean you arent happy or love them? No. It is just different. Not a blind trusting love, but a love that has been dealt some shit and is recovering. A love that has had fallout but is mending. The A does not define either of you, but more a lesson. Blind trust is no more. That is ok! If you are both working on yourselves then that is a gift. However it ends you will be stronger and not codependant. That my friend is a blessing.

The love and passion definitely comes back, but I feel like a little piece will always be missing. Some days I feel that loss more than others. There's also times I feel like it's a distant memory.

It depends what you mean by passionate love.

My love for my husband and my respect for him did come back because he earned it, he worked hard for it and still does, I don’t know at which point it happened but I can now say I’m proud of the person he chose to become.

What didn’t return is his place on the pedestal, I don’t think that will ever come back but I’m fine with that, I don’t think we should put anyone on a pedestal. WH says it is now my turn to be on the pedestal and whilst I don’t wish to be there necessarily, I appreciate the fact that he sees the true value of the gift I’ve offered him when I agreed to reconcile.

We are doing well in R and I'm proud of our M and what she has done to fix herself. However, I don't look up to her on a pedestal any longer. I no longer feel like I've found a unicorn or a perfect W. I also have to always remember what she is capable of and plan accordingly. I don't expect her to cheat. but I don't rule it out either.

I guess I could say the same: my W is no longer on a pedestal; she's human.

At this point, though, I think I'm closer to reality with her as just another human being. If by passion mean 'desire sexually', I never lost that. It did take some time to adjust to our being 'just another human being' instead of her being on a pedestal and me looking up, but I think that was for the better.

It took me 3.5-4 years to arrive at this point. In some sense you're 2.3 years out; in other ways 14 months out. Struggling and angry at 14 months makes sense to me; I had achieved some peace at 2.3 years, but I didn't experience a 2nd d-day.

My reco is usually, 'Look inside,' and That's my advice to you now. Do you want to call it quits, or do you want to continue on the R road longer? Look at the facts, and look at what you want. Be honest with yourself and your H. If you have enough info to act, act.

None of us can predict the future, but we can know what we want and take actions to get ourselves as much of that as possible.

IOW, be honest with and have faith in yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:20 PM, Monday, May 29th]

Having him on a pedestal was never something I did. What I'm referring to as far as passionate love, is just being excited to see them, spend time with them, just be around them. Not be annoyed by literally everything that they do. Being proud that they are my spouse.

I do want reconciliation but only if it becomes passionate again. I think everybody deserves to love like that and be loved like that and I don't feel it would be fair for either of us if it's not that. I just don't know if I need to give it more time or if it's a lost cause.

I'm tired of this shit and not knowing what the right thing to do is. So grateful to him for that.

What I'm referring to as far as passionate love, is just being excited to see them, spend time with them, just be around them. Not be annoyed by literally everything that they do. Being proud that they are my spouse.

Yes that did return for me. I’ve been on a 4 day trip away from WH (and the kids) and I really miss him, I’m now in the airport and cannot wait to get there and tell him everything I did. I wished he was with me the entire time.

I do think it depends on the work the WS does in order to get that back.

I’m sorry you’re still hurting.