SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have to vent and I am thankful for this forum for the ability to do that. I am angry and hurt. Well, I did contact ow and I am sorry I did. I must be stupid. I had hoped she would give me the information my wh would not. I suppose I thought she would do the right thing. Nope. I am just floored with her manipulative,all about her attitude. I can't wrap my head around it. It was a stupid decision. She wanted to have coffee. I'll pass on that. I am done with her and him, I think I have enough to know what happened. He gets defensive,he told me he didn't want to divorce. But, the lies just keep coming. He also has a porn problem. I knew sometimes he watched it and was embarrassed. Before all this I hoped it would pass. It hasn't,and now I see that in a different lens. He's still lieing. We had talked about it and agreed he would tell me when he had the urge and we'd work it through. Didn't happen, but he did tell me he slipped once. It has only been a few days since our conversation. I feel disgusted,angry and I feel like I am still being cheated on. I'm over it. I don't know how to handle this.

It's amazing how many loss can come out of one person's mouth, isn't it? Has your WH started IC? What is he doing to become a safe partner?

Contact with the AP can be good or bad. The posts I remember are that it didn't go well. Once in awhile, there are positive results.

Have you thought about next steps or is your brain still in overdrive trying to process the information?

I'm so sorry to hear your pain. It's so difficult to imagine how ppl can be so self absorbed and cruel. I know how your feeling It's difficult to believe anything and to feel like just one day to go without the pain and tears. I'm sorry the OW was not a good person as is most are not and I did the same thing I reached out even after I read post here about it. Sometimes you just got to do what's best for yourself and I know what I would have done if I was the OW but those women aren't like us because they wanted our life and husband's. I hope that you are going to be ok it does help here to vent and get some support from those who can relate in some way or another.your not stupid for wanting answers or hoping she would be a good person and give you some closure and clarity. I hoped for the same and didn't get it either just threats of harassment because she hated me so much and loved my husband. Take one day at a time is the only advice I can give as someone trying to do the same. My husband also has a porn addiction and it's hard to be ok with anything esp after an affair he only slowed down his actions with the porn watching but it still continues and it is not healthy I can understand how that would be hurtful as well.

[This message edited by Diva19 at 8:49 PM, Sunday, May 28th]

He slipped once? Hmmmm…….

If he’s addicted to porn then you have an even larger problem in your marriage.

Addicts minimize their problems. Cheaters lie as well. It makes your head spin.

I hope you are getting some support from a good counselor.

Leafields- no ic for him. I did tell him that I thought I needed to see a counselor. He thought it might be a good idea. He also said we might need a mc since I am not getting over this. He's afraid I will never trust him and if so what's the point of being married. I'm trying.i have been reading not just friends,we read it together once. That was the end of that. He couldn't relate and he said those people are not us. Not him. As for myself, while that's true, the similarities are spot on. I told him it's like I am cut on my finger, bleeding and instead of him putting a bandage on my finger he wants to put it on my eye. Because that's where he thinks it should be. I didn't know? Bad analogy? Diva19- she wasn't ugly,she was deny, deny,deny. It was just strange. Like she's in lala land. She did at one point say that he could of lost his job. I asked why? She caught herself. It was just frustrating. I pointed out what I read in the texts, and she acted as though she couldn't believe she said it. Just wow. 1st wife- what do you mean by bigger problems? Am I missing more than I should be? We talk to someone now(friend from "church") but I don't think it's adequate. He doesn't respect her or (in my opinion) take her seriously. He ,to me,lacks remorse and empathy. I am beginning to think or realize that I really don't know who I am married too. I hope I am wrong. I can't believe that the wool has been pulled over my eyes this long, or other people's for that matter. I think a MLC or he ran off track. He acknowledges he was selfish, fell away from G-d and didn't care. He admitted he might have subconsciously looking for someone else. He spoke out of both sides of his mouth on that one. I just can't and don't trust anything he says or does. I don't like that I have turned into a jealous suspicious person. It's crazy. I love him very much and want us to heal and have a better relationship.

I totally understand the want to work out and being so in love with him. Give yourself time. I knkw its hard to understand or make sense of anything anymore. I myself deal with that daily with my marriage half of me wants to say f it and the other half wants to say he is now trying to be a husband for me. It's so complicated and we as betrayed spouse live it that constant uncertainty. My advice and it's just my opion give yourself what you need and want be better for YOU. I'm gonna try and follow my own advice. It's definitely a process from what I have learned on this forum it takes time and dedication from both parties but mostly from ourself. We are the most important. Take care of you and keep posting.

Why does he need IC?

He has poor boundaries with others
He has no empathy
He is selfish
He is lying

He should want to go to help you regain trust. After he heals and you heal, then MC to work on the marriage. Your M didn't cheat, your WH did.

What should concern too (and your WH) is that the AP said he could lose his job.

One issue with porn is that the porn-user used the porn rather than developing their relationship with their partner. Another issue is that the porn-user starts off with easy stuff and then the need something stronger. He'll need to go NC with porn and it will take 90 days or so to rewire his brain. You may want to check his intent browsing history. If he admits to failing once, there's probably more because cheaters lie then lie some more. Unfortunately, I found that out more than once.

He's afraid I will never trust him and if so what's the point of being married.

How do you answer that question? And how can you trust him if he continues to lie?

Gently, do you confront any lies? How does he respond?

Are you committed to staying together at all costs, or is D a possible outcome for you?

I hate to see anyone stifle themself, and staying in an M in which one partner lies seems like a way to stifle oneself, but that's me. What does his continued lying mean to you?

Have you considered setting a boundary like, 'If you continue to lie, I will dump you'?

IMO, R requires honesty and no more lies. Without honesty, I'd D. But that's me - you get to and have to make your own choices.

I'm very sorry you're hurting. You are not at all stupid. We are not taught how to naigate infidelity. We all have to find our own path through this. You tried something (talking to ow), and it didn't work. That's all - a wrong turn, and now you're making corrections in your path. That's as far from stupid as you can get.

Be kind to yourself. That's a key factor in your healing. Be kind to yourself.

since I am not getting over this. He's afraid I will never trust him and if so what's the point of being married. I'm trying.

He’s trying to turn the spotlight back on you, something called DARVO, deflect, argue, reverse victim and offender… he’s not stridently darvo, but the stealthier form is more insidious nevertheless. Please read the 180. Pull back from solving this. Then maybe he might try.