SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all,

First time posting here, I didn't realise this forum existed until recently.

It's been a year since dday, I still feel like a shell of my former self but we have managed to reconcile, although now we have hit a dead end.

She desperately wants to have a baby. Before dday I was ready, but now I can't even stomach the thought. I still don't love her the same, given time I'm not sure that I ever will.

Its not that I don't want kids, I definitely do! its just I cant envision having kids with her anymore.

The crux probably is the way in which she cheated.

For some backstory (yet to fill out my profile), I believe her when she says that the relationship never got physical although the messages were pretty disgusting, it was more than just your average sexting even if it was just fantasy.

There was an entire plan or "story" suggested by her, how AP should get her pregnant, pretend it was mine and stay close friends and babysit etc. After that they set a date to do the deed but she backed out.

So yeah, that probably messed me up the most, especially as during this time she introduced AP and we all started spending time together.

Maybe this is it for us, I'm struggling to see a way forwards.

DO.NOT.MAKE.A.BABY a year out from DDay. It won't help you. It will challenge your marriage further. AND, that poor kid.

One year out from DDay you're likely still in survival mode. Also, not to be a downer....but I wouldn't believe this was non-sexual for a minute. Her pressuring you on this is enormously selfish. I get the biological clock thing, but if you're not ready....you're not ready. And given the circumstances of her betrayal.....enormously triggering. Please take care of you. If you can't see having children with her now given the choices she's made, that is on her....not you. One year out, I wasn't sure I wanted to be married.

Being a parent is challenging in the best of circumstances. Being a parent and recovering from infidelity is a special kind of hell. Unless your WW is pushing 40, there is time. Take all the time you need to feel good about this decision.

I think you need to sit your wife down for a discussion about this. You may have been on the baby page before the affair but your marriage is not in a state to bring a child into it.

It’s insensitive she has not put together the weird requests she made from the AP and how that might affect starting a family while you are still freshly traumatized from it.

I feel separate the two issues. Whether you R hasn’t a lot to do with whether or not you agree to a baby at this juncture. I would simply tell her where you are on this and she needs to show remorse and respect that she created this damage.

Then you can still continue to work on reconciliation if you still want to. It’s perfectly normal to be no where near healed at one year out. That’s about the point where the shock is just now wearing off.

What is she doing to work on herself, to empathize with you? To heal your marriage? That should be her focus, a baby is only going to rob you guys of the time you need to heal.

I am not talking you out of divorce if you know you want that, but it sounds like more it was going along okay but she has hit you with this ridiculous request and it’s demonstrative of just how much more work there is ahead.

Welcome to SI.

Having a baby when your marriage is not on solid ground is a very bad idea. Think long and hard before making this major life decision. If your marriage does not survive this crises you will have brought a child into a broken home. You will be tied to your wife for a very long time.

If you want to stay married than work on your marriage first and give it time. You will need time to watch your wife's actions to determine if she is sincere about working towards being an honest safe partner.

It's a little concerning that she had a plan to have a baby with someone else and pretend it was yours and now wants one with you. She has a lot of work to do before even thinking about becoming a mother.

For the time being I've stopped having sex to avoid any risk of something happening.

We have had an initial talk, I simply said I wasn't ready due to the events that took place last year. She said that she would convince me otherwise...

Things have pretty much returned to how they were before, but for the past month she has been much more proactive and it's obvious why.

There is also added pressure from her family to crack on, I think that's why she thinks it's a fair thing to request.

Took me a year to figure out I wanted a divorce and ask for it. Only then did my wife really start making the right changes.

One year out from this...

Honestly, I don't think I could ever have a kid with someone that planned what she did.

If she is saying "shit or get off the pot", get off the pot.

Agree -^^^

The consensus is don’t make babies, at least until she has proved herself safe for a long while, and you decide you want that with her.

How old are you two?

Is freezing eggs and sperm an option if you are past your mid 30’s? It might keep your options open a few more years. You would need to look at the legalities, that she would need your consent to use the sperm. If this is no good for her, bad luck.

There was an entire plan or "story" suggested by her, how AP should get her pregnant, pretend it was mine and stay close friends and babysit etc. After that they set a date to do the deed but she backed out.

Good god. That's awful. I'm so sorry.

Its not that I don't want kids, I definitely do! its just I cant envision having kids with her anymore.

If you know you want kids but you don't want kids with her, I think it's time to call it on the marriage. Your feelings on this are completely valid and justified, but I don't think you've actually reconciled if that is the case because you now want different things in the marriage. The decision of whether or not you will have kids is not the kind of thing you can compromise on. It's a fundamental part of the marriage, and I think your differing views on it make going forward in the marriage untenable.

For reference, I'm a BS who had kids following the A. I have zero regrets about my decision but its certainly one you should not make casually.

How old are you two?

We are both pretty young, I'm 31 and she is 28, so we have time. She has always wanted kids before turning 30. We have been together 8 years.

Just had another heart to heart with her after turning her down again. She is really willing to do anything to make it happen, but I couldn't think of a single thing that I'd change or fix.

"We have had an initial talk, I simply said I wasn't ready due to the events that took place last year. She said that she would convince me otherwise..."

She is willing to do anything but respect your wishes and give you time and space and work on herself.

Just had another heart to heart with her after turning her down again. She is really willing to do anything to make it happen, but I couldn't think of a single thing that I'd change or fix.

It's sounding like her affair has created an incompatibility between you two at the subject of having kids. She wants them. Her actions have caused you to no longer want them with her. Unless you are really sure that your mind might change the best thing for both of you is to go on your own ways and find someone else while you both have time. It's not fair to either of you to delay this on hope that things will change. Because I feel the odds are against it. Especially as there's almost assuredly more to forgive then you realize.

Disgusting messaging. Proposing to pawn off AP's child as yours. Physical access. Introducing AP to you so they could spend more time together. They had sex. Often. Believing otherwise without sufficient proof to the contrary, like an ocean between them at all times, is foolish.

This is likely a dead end relationship for both of you. I have known a few couples whose marriages ended because of the to have kids or not? issue, and that was WITHOUT infidelity being part of the equation (although in one case it was a blatant bait and switch on the wife’s part).

It’s not something you can compromise on. Either you have kids or you don’t. I can fully 100% appreciate you not wanting kids with her—don’t blame you AT ALL—but please do NOT rob her of the opportunity to be a mother with someone else by staying married to her until she runs out of time. The biological clock is real.

Wishing you both the best.

What work did she do on herself, to become a safe partner?

I second Hellfire's question. It has been a year since you found out, what has she done about the situation and herself in that time?

To add to the chorus if you don't already have kids, I would move on and let her move on since there are fewer intertwinements. Granted, that's easy for me to say as I don't know about how marital assets are divided in your situation in case of divorce.

Friend. Your WP should take a polygraph immediately to determine whether she had a PA. It’s obviously bad enough that she had an EA, and a truly relationship breaking one at that. If you knew she had a PA, how would that change your calculus? A poly is a must here.

I think the decision to have or not to have kids is deeply personal, as well as the choice of timing.

My second and fourth kids were conceived around ddays. #2, after DDay1. #4 on or slightly before DDay2.

I absolutely was up for having my second kid. I figured we could divorce and manage to give two kids a good life.

I also was (and still am) patently uninterested in partnering up ever again, should DH and I separate. IVF is expensive. Far more expensive than a couple of clomid pills.

DH already took so much from me. I wasn't going to let him also take the dream of having more than one kid.

I'm actually ticked off about my third kid. I never would have had my third if I was given the truth.

I'm not condoning having a kid with your wife, either OP.

In your situation, I probably would wait for a while, if you are interested in staying married.

I also think that it's hard for others guide you. You do the work on you. Trust yourself and honor your boundaries. You know what's best or you than anyone else.

I agree the decision to have children is deeply personal. In this case I would use the direct approach in discussing this decision with her. I would tell her that her "plan" or fantasy of having a child with the AP and then deceiving you that you are the father while having the AP in your lives, has totally soured you on the idea of ever having children with her. She may say, it was only a fantasy, but the deceitful plot about having another man’s baby hurts you just the same. This will be a painful discussion. You and your WW need to resolve this issue head on, and decide what happens moving forward. You are both young and you both seem to want children, so you should both be with people you want to have children with. Good luck.

Babies don't fix broken relationships. Buying a new house doesn't fix a broken relationship. Neither does a vacation property or sailboat. What fixes a broken relationship is work. Your WW may think so.ething like a baby will be the balm, but it won't.

Now, as a man, you have full control over how you choose to use your body. That includes sperm. If you choose to not have a baby, use protection and then rinse out the condom. Don't get baby trapped. My body, my choice applies to both genders. I really do wish there were more options for men, but sadly, there aren't.

Oh God no. Please no. No bad marriage ever got better by adding a child. If you go down this road, you will hate yourself and her. Just no.