SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m seven year out from my split with the serial cheater. I’ve had numerous 3-4 relationships with oh not so right people which lasts about 3 months a piece. I had one longer 9 month one that I totally fell in love with that broke my heart during COVID lockdowns. I haven’t put myself back on OLD since though had seen 2 people very briefly over a year ago meeting them random ways and hadn’t dated since. The friends with benefits was I think the worse decision of my life (much younger man).

Strangely enough even though I was so burnt by my WH it didn’t turn me off men initially However since the bad burn 2.5 years ago I’m not terrified of dating. With WH people didn’t see it coming most of all me (family and friends all said you would never that guessed it). With 3 year ago man, I choose to believe in him so I feel "complicit" and I don’t trust myself because I never picked up on the red flags.

Anyhow fast forward to a week ago and I had a tradesperson help me via a Facebook forum come to my house and repair something. They were ultra polite, chatty and refused payment so I just said I’ll shout to dinner at the pub. We ate and chatted and he was was nice and respectful as expected. He dropped me home and then when he got home an hour later asked if I was interested in seeing him again.

I actually thought he was kinda attractive and although not my not normal type (I’ve always dated white collar people) I thought he seemed nice so I kept the chat going.

I’m ultra busy raising three kids and full time work and Reno so I wasn’t dating (I thought) because I know I don’t have time at the moment to dedicate to someone. He’s moved to this city a few years ago for his kids benefit to support their interests but they are now young adults. So he’s free it seems all the time outside work.

it’s only been a week and we haven’t been able to go on a real date yet but I’m getting what feels to be very too strong vibes. Over keen. He’s expressed he’s looking for a forever relationship and he wants a partner to do things with. My red flag is that he’s also got us like a long time image by using "we" and "next year" and I kinda want just a date to see if I even feel like another date.

I get we are all different, and he got together with his wife young at 20 and was with her nearly 20 years. I think he seems a nice person but maybe just lonely and it’s coming across as desperate. I feel he’s "latched" onto a potential partner rather than just a spark of interest in me. (I’m not suggesting he doesn’t think I’m attractive as he indicated that immediately)

How do I handle this?

On both angles… ie first I’ve realised I’m really making excuses myself to have not started dating again because this situation has made me immediately fear getting hurt again. The problem here is I’m scared to trust myself to be a good judge of a man. I feel I’m a really good judge at making new friendships with women but that doesn’t seem to work in romantic space.

And two … what do I do with this person? Do I try a date or pull out now?

When I was at that stage with kids, I made it clear to anyone I dated what exactly I was interested in. IE I had no desire to cohabitate, etc while my kids were still at home.

I had no problem with dating monogamy....but I just could not give more at that time. If they were interested in more, then I wished them well on their endeavors.

Some were clearly dating to marry soon. So they appreciated my honesty and moved along.

If this guy is looking for more than you can give; tell him now and avoid wasting everyone's time.

I had other guys that had no issues waiting until I could give more time/more me. If one date a month was all I could offer, so be it.

Just be honest with him (and you).

If you are able to be honest about your feelings and thoughts AND say No when you need to say No (without falling into people pleasing), then you may be able to have a casual and enjoyable relationship. We teach people how to treat us, and I think you can teach him how to casually date.

Solid boundaries around your time and energy will protect you, along with explaining yourself. I think you both deserve to see where it goes!

As to whether it's too soon, it's one of those questions you need to have some quiet time for yourself to answer. When you have a spare hour to yourself and get still inside, what does your gut say? Another date or focus on current responsibilities w kids only?

You could say, I'm focused on raising my kids so I don't have a lot of time, but it could be fun to do xyz together (walk in the park, have lunch, or meet for coffee saturday morning). That way you keep the dating (if you do date) slow and simple, at a pace you can manage. It will soon be apparent if he is impatient to jump in to something fast.

Does he ask good questions about you to show he's interested in you as a person? Or does he simply ask questions to find out if you will fit well into his life. And that's why I'm single as I hardly ever meet a man who ask me questions about me. I even had a guy say (after a 15-minute monologue), 'Let me ask YOU a question" (and here I thought OK maybe he wants to know about me), "what else would you like to know about me?"

[This message edited by InnerLight at 9:00 PM, Monday, June 5th]

Discuss your boundaries and have some fun. Doesn't have to be committal, go at your pace.

It's been my experience that many individuals who jump immediately into couplehood have some issues with emotional maturity. I don't see anything wrong with you stating what is important to you and identifying the pace at which you might want this to proceed.

To me, one dates to get to know someone under a variety of circumstances and situations. You can have a handful of dates and decide that it just isn't clicking, or decide that you're better off friends than partners. And that's okay.

I do find it more difficult when the parties are at different stages of life (i.e. children still at home vs. an empty-nester). That brings challenges, but they're not insurmountable if you wish to overcome them.

Cat