SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Any insight or advice would be appreciated.

[This message edited by NewHurtOne at 8:44 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

This woman sounds like a hot mess who goes from one relationship to another, leeching off men until they get sick of her and then moves on. Is this a person that you would want as a potential stepmom for your kids?

Your relationship, even without infidelity, sounds toxic. You might be infatuated with her, perhaps because you're addicted to drama and the hot sex, but you clearly don't love or respect or respect her.

You have 4 kids that you are trying coparent as a divorced father, which should be your top priority. I don't think you need to add this woman's problems to your own.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:57 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Bluerthanblue,

Thank you for the inisght there, it helps tremendously right now to have an outside perspective.. I was at a low point. I want to know if she is purely lying about all of it and if she cheated. The pube on the seat seems rather odd and her having not told me about coworker and her being friends on fb

Even if she didn't cheat on you, you need to quit this relation. Based on what you wrote, she is clearly unreliable when it comes to responsibilities and commitments. You obviously know this too.

My advice is to go NC with her. Cut off all ties. Focus on your kids. Focus on yourself. Obviously, you have serious issues. Otherwise, you wouldn't get sucked into this toxic cesspool even after seeing and being informed by your family of all the red flags in this woman.

Go to IC. It will help you. Go NC with her and avoid all this toxic drama. It's not worth your time and health. You will see the benefits of it eventually and you wont regret it. I guarantee.

Lurkingsoul thank you .

I told her last weekend she is full of it and I am done with her choosing booze over me and I am done. That was Saturday. She blew me off anyway both Sunday and Monday so I told its over and I am blocking her. Which I have done. So far she has not tried to contact me either. I feel as though I am returning to myself...I processed my divorce however I could have used more time alone

But, you already tried to disassociate from her many times before and failed every time. So, how is this time any different? How are you making sure this time that you won't fall back like last many times?? Just like she is addicted to booze, you are addicted to her. So, you need to remain sober at any cost. It will get easier as time goes by.

This is a very toxic relationship, and this is NOT love.
Time to pull your head out the sand, and RUN!!!!
You deserve much better than this. She is a low quality person, and I would encourage you to end it, and file a restraining order due to her abuse, otherwise she is going to continue to keep coming back.
Time for a clean slate.

THankyou

I did tell her I am changing my number and im in the process of. I deleted her as a contact and blocked. I am very upset not knowing if she cheated or not too. I pray she goes back to her family but I have never been that lucky

She's a toxic mess.

Your kids need their dad to be healthy,and happy. You can't achieve that with her.

You don't love her. You love the woman you want her to be. The woman who wears a mask..occasionally.

I had to stop reading half way into your story because it was becoming way too predictable and…familiar. Yes, very familiar.

When I too was newly divorced, I took quite the walk-about on the wild side. I dated some very attractive, seductive, exciting, distracting, DISTRACTING, but very dysfunctional women. I could write a book on my misadventures. They all were very similar to the gal you describe. I was in a bad place, looking for easy escape and it all served its purpose well.

If you’re going to continue your walk on the wild side, fine, but maintain your situational awareness, keep some kind of foothold on reality, because this form of escape comes at a cost, is loaded with hazards, is not sustainable and, I’m not all that sure it is, at all, healthy. Avoid a Cheryl Strayed "Wild" level of toxic escapism.

You’re highly vulnerable right now to trauma bonding or rebound type relationships. Know that. Be aware of that at all times.

You entered into this relationship with your newfound betrayed spouse instincts keenly attuned to red flags 🚩, your eyes wide open. You identified the red flags every step of the way into this. Regardless, it still hurts because it’s triggering and leaves you questioning, "why does this keep happening to me…will I ever be able to do better?" But you know exactly why this has happened and you should also know that YOU CAN DO BETTER. right?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:24 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

I am very upset not knowing if she cheated or not too.

Sounds like she cheated on the last two guys, what makes you think it would be any different with you? She’s been making terrible choices for thirty years and there’s a reason nobody refers to large quantities of vodka as loyalty juice.

Make your peace with the fact that she dragged all of her baggage and horrible decision making into your relationship, put her keys in the mail and start looking for some other place to live when your lease is up.

Get into therapy and get to the bottom of why you would subject yourself to this kind of behavior.

Thank you all for the kind words .. It really is helpful. Thank you thank you thank you ! I am putting myself first so I can do better with my kids. You are all right. It is absolutely horrific to think some people knowingly go into relationships full well knowing they are gonna still do whatever they wanna do. I have never in my life ever had someone capable of making me actually feel bad. Telling me I am wrong at every turn for example. I refuse to date online and so with that I will remain vigilant and not get into any relationship any time soon. I am angry especially about the gaslighting however I will guard I dont become bitter. I know I just need to snap out of it so I can laugh again.
Once again, I appreciate all of you your insight and perspective is clear.

Apparently since high school she has been in a string of bad relationships after another (I know I know, red flag)

There is a reason!!! Run Forest Run!!! This is a toxic person, you don't need this mess in your life.

I’m sorry—that’s so much to go through.

My guess is she likely cheated on you, but I think because you’re vulnerable and emotionally entangled you’re fixating on that rather than the big picture. The big picture is what other posters said: this is a toxic relationship with a nightmare of a woman.

Her drinking alone would have me running the other way. That’s a serious level of addiction that she needs to deal with, and you can’t have a functional, healthy relationship with a raging alcoholic.

Get and stay out of the relationship. Find other fulfilling things to do with your time. Work on yourself. When you’re in a better place and healed from this mess and everything you’ve been through, seek out a better partner. Take it slow. Make sure they’re not crazy. There are lots of good people out there. She isn’t one of them.

Believe it or not cheating is the least of your worries. Go back and read what you wrote. Nearly every sentence is describing chaos. I am guessing she floats your boat sexually but that gets old in a hurry.

You have children. At what age did you have to nag about them picking up their toys(clothes)? At what age did they try to steal a cookie(alcohol)? Look at her. She is the emotional age of your children when they were naughty. This is who you described.

You can’t change her, fix her, no one can. This is who she is.

RUN!

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:20 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Stop making excuses.

You knew she was toxic and a train wreck but you decided to test the waters.

After multiple shark bites you finally found the strength to get out of dodge.

Next time - when you meet someone new - at the FIRST sign of something amiss — don’t make excuses or overlook it.

Face the reality of what it is — 🚩🚩🚩— warning signs and move on.

Look for someone more stable. This person probably felt familiar if she reminded you if your XW. Don’t fall into that trap.

You cannot "help" people. And I’d someone is airing their dirty laundry early in a relationship then know it’s a red flag and RUN!