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I'm contemplating this. I know some info about her but can't find anything online and I supposedly know her husbands name I can't find anything. I can ask my husband more but it's stupid to believe I'm getting the truth and he says they didn't exchange much info and he has deleted and blocked her so doesn't have her info.

So my thinking, have a third party to get me contact incl for her spouse. If they are truly no contact and he has cut her off ( said he doesn't care anything about her or what happens in her life when I asked) then it's also a test on this. I'm sure if I contact her husband she will try to contact him. I can't imagine he had the ability to not let me know that if he finds out.

Thoughts? Feedback?

HI Aftermath052623,

Sorry you're in this situation. I didn't need to, as I already had more than enough proofs and infos. But my question is : why would you tolerate your WS not telling the truth, now that you discovered the A ? He has absolutely no right not to tell you, he has to be 100% transparent if he doesn't want to lose you. If he's not willing to give such basic information right away, I suggest you do the hard 180 on him...

[This message edited by iamjack at 2:03 PM, Thursday, June 8th]

He's given me all he says he has. He had ended the affair before admitting to me and got rid of her info and says he doesn't have it. She lives, from what he has told me, in a city that's 2 hours away so not local.

He says it was a sexual affair not emotional so they hid info from each other. Not sure how to call that bluff if it's not true outside of this approach. I have full tracking on his phone so know they aren't in contact or that way and I have tracking on his whereabouts so know where he is. He could have a burner, hell if I know, but anything's on table isn't it?

On surface he is appearing completely broken by this, transparent and full force on reconciliation. I can't find anything additional in emails, texts were deleted as they came in, credit card statements, etc. he may be completely truthful at this point but I really can't depend on that.

There's software you can run,on his phone,to retrieve deleted messages and pics.

Also..I don't know what kind of phone he has, but on my phone,if I've deleted someone,I no longer have their number to block. And,if I've blocked a number, I can go into my account, and see the numbers that are blocked.

If they met in a coffee shop, and talked for awhile before exchanging numbers...then spent more time talking,and messaging...there was lead up to the sexual part. That's a lot of talking. He knows more than he's saying.

Instead of a PI, schedule a polygraph.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:15 PM, Thursday, June 8th]

Dear Aftermath052623,

NEVER trust a WH until he's proven worthy enough of R. Not until you had everything you needed to heal, this includes his full transparency and contrition. Until that, WS are masters at deceiving and lying. Consider everything he's not giving you as a lie by omission. As Hellfire says, there are ways to retrieve intel from his phone : and you can't "delete" someone AND block him or her at the same time. Either she is blocked (and you can see her number) or she's just deleted, and she isn't blocked.

He's given me all he says he has.

Probably a lie. Why would he say otherwise ?

He had ended the affair before admitting to me and got rid of her info and says he doesn't have it.

Yes, sure. Like he doesn't have SOME info memorized. Please.

He says it was a sexual affair not emotional so they hid info from each other.

Probaly a lie. How long was the A ?

I have full tracking on his phone so know they aren't in contact or that way and I have tracking on his whereabouts so know where he is. He could have a burner, hell if I know, but anything's on table isn't it?

Trust your gut. He could have a burner phone. I would suggest adding a tracking device in his car. Better safe than sorry.

As for the credit cards, he could very well give you access to everything. Why didn't he ?

2 months

I have all credit cards.

My question is about a PI. It's a mind fuck going through him and not sure. I have names he gave me but only can confirm hers independently. He gave me part of a phone number but who knows. I can't go down this road as easily and it's not my strength. So my thinking is a PI is the most complete comprehensive potentially to what I need. I may not get all the details but I don't need them. But what I want to get is her husbands info and then hers to check if they are in contact.

His phone is a company phone. It's not our plan where I could easily log in.

So I want to see if anyone used one to get info and their experience. I contacted one and waiting to hear back.

PI called me back. Sending her the info I have and she is going to pull the info. It's only 125 which is crazy cheap. She said she will have it to me tonight potentially.

If I want more we can discuss afterwards; full on investigation.

At least I will have third party verified info that I know is true.

[This message edited by Aftermath052623 at 7:04 PM, Thursday, June 8th]

Hellfire, can you tell me about this software?

The PI only found one person and she's in AZ, 35, two sons only and not married. Brown eyes. I don't see how it all connects. I need those deleted texts. I had my hopes up I was going to get answers.

I'm not sure if I can name the software. It may violate a rule here. If you google it, you'll see.

If a PI can't find her(clearly the other lady isn't her), there's a very good chance that he gave you a fake name. That would explain why you couldn't find anything on her,and her husband.

Your best bet is a polygraph. Many BS use them. It's very common. One of your questions can be, "Are you telling the truth about the identity of the OW?"

If he is lying about her name,it's because he is protecting her. That means the affair has gone underground.

I know it's her name. I saw the plane ticket booked. That isn't going to be a fake name.

Googling it I see this "If you install spyware after the message is deleted then no spyware can show you the deleted text messages."

So it doesn't look like I can find anything I need from the past then.

[This message edited by Aftermath052623 at 4:00 AM, Friday, June 9th]

Your husband is still lying. PI isn't a bad idea if you need proof he is lying.

PI was a bust. Unless I think he needs tailing now then she did all she could she said. So o have this person in AZ but I really don't see the connection.

Maybe it does just come down to a polygraph. But it doesn't give me any info. It will just tell me if he is lying. I looked up a company near us so can book it.

Have him fill out a complete timeline. One of the questions can be, "Is the timeline you gave your wife accurate. "

Another question should be asking if he's ever cheated on you before, other than anything you know about.

Polygraphs won't give you exact info. But you will know what he's lying about. And,if he is lying at this point,you know you need to halt any thoughts of reconciliation. He would be letting you know he's ok with lying to you,still. And he can't be trusted enough for you to attempt reconciliation.

A lot of BS get a parking lot confession. Where a ws drops a truth bomb right before the test,thinking the bs won't go through with it. Always go through with the test.

I’d like to have you look at this differently for a moment.

What happens if you obtain the info you are looking for? Then what?

I’m not meaning to cause you more trouble but my concern after my H’s affair was not the OW (whom he was leaving me for) but the potential next OW.

I don’t know how far you are from the affair discovery but I’d like to suggest that you stop playing marriage police to make you feel better. That was the worst mistake I ever made. It seriously negatively impacted me.

The day I stopped my life gut better. Quickly.

It is up to your H to provide answers. And if he can’t or won’t, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to R or D or something else.

I know you feel a loss of control right now. It’s normal. But you searching for answers about his affair is not the solution. He either answers you til you are satisfied or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t then you have to decide your next steps.

This is the part where many marriages unravel. It’s not the affair that kills it. It’s the cheater’s behavior / choices after Dday that kills the marriage.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:37 PM, Friday, June 9th]

The1stwife,

I'm two weeks in. I've been told I need to tell her spouse, but I can't find anything on her existence let alone him. I want a number to look out for, some knowledge.

And I told him, I was looking at his phone, at his location, etc WHILE it was happening and I couldn't find definitive proof. How the hell will I know in the future?

Aftermath,
so sorry you found yourself in this situation. Full of unknown, uncertainty, and non-remembering.

What you may want to do is to tell your WH that you would want him to write the detailed timeline of his A. You can tell him the limit of details you would want to see. Then you can polygraph based on this timeline.

Just another suggestion.

Strength to you and healing!

How the hell will I know in the future?

You won't. This is part of the shit sandwich that goes with reconciliation.

You need to work on yourself, so that if he cheats again, you will be ok walking away from the marriage.

HellFire gave you a great response.

You may not know if he cheats in the future.

And you have to accept (over time) that you will be ok w/ that. It won’t happen all at once. But as you heal and learn things about yourself, you will realize that you can (and did survive) the affair.

Whether you choose to survive the next one is your call.

However just know that you cannot control him or live as the marriage police for very long. And if the cheating spouse doesn’t do what is needed to help you heal and make amends for the affair with complete remorse, there is a strong possibility of another affair.

I hope this helps you.