SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t shared my story yet. I just haven’t had sufficient time. Initial DD was 01/27 but the new/full truth was 02/07. It’s Father’s Day weekend and our eighteenth wedding anniversary. Found out he was with her just two days after my youngest had her birthday. I want to believe everything he told me but I have so little tangible information because he deleted their messages. I thought we were doing really great at this point in time (relationship wise). We had had great holidays and spent great time together and then this. I want to make sure there is no more confessions about them to come. I know he cut off all communication but just don’t understand how you can go from us to that. We were the couple you just thought would always find a way to make it through no matter the loss. We know each-other so well and are similar I would call him brother as a joke. We were still having sex. He hates what it did to me and how much he hurt me and could’ve ended his family. Blown up our kids lives. I just forgave him and moved on but I feel like maybe I still need to act out but lost my chance or am afraid to again and that maybe he’ll leave.

So did he confess to more on 2/7 or did you find out more? What has he been doing other than proclaiming how he hates what he did and that it hurt you and the family? Are either of you in IC?

I just forgave him and moved on but I feel like maybe I still need to act out but lost my chance or am afraid to again and that maybe he’ll leave.

Gently, this might be where a big part of you is hung up. We basically call it rugsweeping here. He never really seemed to experience any true consequences for his actions. What were his consequences for you finding out the real truth on 2/7?

Imo, I think you should take some time for yourself. Be a little selfish. Give yourself a break from trying to fix the relationship and practice self-care. Let him take the load for once and put the reins on him to clean up his mess.

And if that makes him leave, then he's not fit for reconciliation.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:56 PM, Saturday, June 17th]

It sounds like you're trying to rugsweep. That never works,and you never fully heal.

You can start over. Set requirements for reconciliation. He needs to do the hard work,to become a safe partner. There's a great thread in the Reconciliation forum,asking what that hard work is. There is a post by OwningItNow,that is gold. Your husband should be doing all of that.

The chances that you know everything are slim. They very rarely tell the entire truth. You can have him take a polygraph, to find out if he's withholding. It's very common.

Hi, welcome to SI, the best club no one ever wants to join.

Gently, more than likely you don't have the truth. Cheaters lie and minimize and blame and manipulate...all of them.

Who is this other woman? A friend, a co-worker? Is she married? How can you be sure it ended?

There's a way to recover messages, I'd do a little research or call your phone company to see if they can help.

In the meantime, forgiveness is earned. I agree with another poster, you are rugsweeping like this never happened. What consequences has your husband had for his betrayal? Transparency, IC, Accountability for his whereabouts, access to his phone, emails and social media? Read books?

What is he doing to prove he will be a safe and faithful partner?

Why are you afraid of him leaving? He destroyed your marriage, you didn't do anything. He needs to own his sh*t.

When I discovered my husband's A, I asked hundreds of questions, repeatedly, some for years because a few things didn't add up. MOST of the truth eventually came out but it was because I was relentless and did lots of digging myself.

He cheated because he wanted to, not because there was anything wrong with you or your marriage. You deserve to know the root of why and where and how. Every question swirling through your head needs to be answered by him without defensiveness.

Your join date was a few months ago, so I am going to assume that you have probably read plenty of stories here. If so, you should see that there is no time window on addressing infidelity(assuming you are attempting to reconcile) because recovery is a team effort.

I just forgave him and moved on but I feel like maybe I still need to act out but lost my chance or am afraid to again and that maybe he’ll leave.

You didn't forgive him; you SAID you forgive him, most likely in the hopes of trying to get your marriage back. But, as you are learning, this isn't working. The others have told you why. There is NO WAY around infidelity. You need to go through it. That includes both of you opening up, and you getting all the information that is personally necessary. That information varies from person to person, but the key is that your partner is willing to give you any information that you ask....no matter how painful. You deserve the truth, and it is not his job to 'decide' what you do....and do not....need to know.

The main question here is what is your WS doing to help you through this?

--Has he made efforts to retrieve the deleted texts for you?
--Has he written any sort of timeline so you can try to get a clearer picture?
--Has he been answering ALL of your questions---without hesitation, defensiveness, or resistance?

What is he doing to help YOU? From the little you have written, it would appear that he is just hoping it all goes away. Hint--it won't. Under this figurative pile that has been swept under the rug, there is also a corpse--your old marriage. Right now, it is continuing to rot and fester under there, and the odor is becoming intolerable. Everything under that rug needs to be purged and fumigated. Otherwise, it infects everything that is out in the open around it. Don't be afraid to find and use your voice. As contradictory as it seems, your silence is lessening your future chances of success. Letting yourself be heard has the best chance to save it.

There's a book by Linda MacDonald called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. I would recommend that your WH read it. (You can read it, too.) It is a fairly short book that does a great job of what he needs to do to help.

If you can, a betrayal trauma specialist would be helpful. Bonus if they deal with infidelity. He needs his own IC to deal with his issues.

The A is 100% on him. You could have had the best M in the world of the worst, and it's still no excuse for cheating.

Is the AP married or in a relationship? If so, the other betrayed spouse (OBS) deserves to know.

Unfortunately once the trust has been broken it takes a long time to recover.

I have a theory that most betrayeds never get 100% of the whole story. You may get most or almost all but I suspect once the cheater realizes the damage, they don’t want to inflict more pain so they stop telling "everything".

I think for many betrayed spouses/partners you start to believe what YOU know to be true. There are a few things my H claims the OW told me that is not true. However I have decided the OW is correct and what she told me is the truth. I have told my H it does not matter what you say, you cannot disprove these things happened so therefore I believe they did.

I know believe his 4 year EA (first affair he had and completely denied) was also a PA. He denied it. Doesn’t matter. It makes sense to me and I will not change my mind.

So…..I hope you can get the answers you need to heal and reconcile. I don’t think it always matters if you get the full truth but they really is up to each individual person.

Being 10 years from Dday 2 of affair 2, I have a very different attitude or outlook now. Maybe that accounts for my shift on how I look at being a betrayed spouse. But it works for me.

The1stWife said:

Unfortunately once the trust has been broken it takes a long time to recover.

I have a theory that most betrayeds never get 100% of the whole story. You may get most or almost all but I suspect once the cheater realizes the damage, they don’t want to inflict more pain so they stop telling "everything".

This is key. Trust has been broken by the affair. The WS can either be transparent and "own their shit" or continue to deceive. "They don’t want to inflict more pain" is a BS cop out IMO. I read a quote on another thread by a BW "I would rather be hurt by the truth than destroyed by lies".

This is me. My WW cheated on me with multiple APs for 20 years. She lied then, she lied by omission for 18 more years and she lied through multiple D-Days. She refuses to sit down and walk through the timelines and help me make sense of what my life truly was.

Unfortunately, it isn’t her cheating back then that is going to destroy the marriage. It is her unwillingness to totally and completely "come clean now".

I just forgave him and moved on but I feel like maybe I still need to act out but lost my chance or am afraid to again and that maybe he’ll leave.

Always - I did exactly this in 2017, again in 2019 and damned near did it again this month. Don't be me. There's a reason that setting aside your feelings and "forgiving and moving on" makes you feel as if you've magically restored your marriage to what it was before you found out... because that's exactly what it does. It resets your relationship to a defective condition where your feelings don't matter. It'll feel good for a while, but next time, you'll just feel more invested - and fear losing him even more. That's not a marriage.. it's a bad investment. You may well be the couple that can make it through anything - but only if you demand honesty, hold him accountable and make it clear that you deserve the effort. You deserve a better man. Want him to be a better man? The best thing you can do for the two of you is to leave him no choice but to become one. Root for him, even - but don't, under any circumstances, compromise.

Reconciliation doesn't start with forgiving him.. it ENDS when you're ready to forgive - and sometimes it takes years. That period of time can still have joyful moments and great holidays - and it can have impactful moments of true collaboration and love - but you don't owe him a damned thing. He needs to do his work and that work is NOT simply avoiding having another affair. Fidelity was the promise you started your marriage with. His work is restoring your ability to believe that he WANTS that and can keep that promise. Do NOT yield until you feel safe, until you are heard, until YOU are satisfied that this is someone you even want to reconcile with. Then, YOU can decide if you want to move forward with reconciliation.

[This message edited by suddenlyisee at 1:38 PM, Monday, June 19th]