SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here.

Most recent D-day 5/24/23 or thereabouts, I can’t say for sure

OW is single

Married 48 years.

My husband had a physical affair about 18 years ago. We did the work and recovered.

Things were going well, or so I thought. I had a serious fall and facial injuries in 2018, and we couldn’t have sex for about a year, but recovered. About two years ago, I developed severe pain in intercourse, and we weren’t able to have sex for about 16 months. I underwent treatment and was healed about 8 months ago or so.

I told him I was ready, and he looked at me as though I wasn’t there and walked away.

I knew that he had found someone else at that point. I just didn’t know who or where or when.

He stopped touching me. All this time he was kind and acted loving toward me, just no intimacy at all.

Flash forward to May.

I was on a trip, and had an update to my phone. That update somehow made it so his text messages came to me, but I didn’t catch on right away. It took me until about June 8 to figure it out. Anyway, he would text me, like sending me pics of our cat and a flower, stuff he had cooked for dinner, etc. I would click a heart emoji or smiley face. We talked by phone daily, so I didn’t think anything of the texts.

And then I realized something didn’t make sense. On one of the texts someone else replied.

So I scrolled up.

And there were sexts, nude photos back and forth, and stuff I about choked over.

So I called WH and told him that I have the texts, the emails, and all the rest.

He immediately texted her that he thought he did something wrong, apologized to her, and told her I found out.

I joined that text message with "the thing the both of you did wrong was this ENTIRE THING"

OW, who has been what I thought was a lifelong family friend, began lying. She replied it was all a game, they had no feelings for each other, blah blah, and started telling me exactly how I should feel and what I should do. Then she tells me that she isn’t into men anymore anyway, is gay now, and sent me a pic of her an a woman. She’s so full of it that she could explode at any moment and cause a hazardous spill event.

I cursed at them both and that was that.

Came home, and started looking through his stuff. They had exchanged nude photos at least three years ago, numerous "I love you" emails and references to phone calls and phone sex.

His first lie was "I never said I loved her", so I knew that was his major concern. He tried lying and minimizing. I told him that I cannot decide ANYTHING in my life based on lies - and I already knew the truth so just stop it.

He stopped lying. He gave me passwords, accounts, and began talking to me about a concern about overuse of porn. He says he cannot believe what he did, feels like he has been in a fog or something. He has NC, and is answering any question I have. He said he knows I have PTSD from the things he did, and understands that the future of this marriage depends on total honesty, stopping any porn or contact with OW, and he is devastated from his own behavior.

I cry. He cries. He is waiting for IC appointment now.

I have the expected turmoil, anger, sadness, rollercoaster emotions, and fog.

He told me today that he realizes that none of his behavior is my fault. He apologizes frequently, and appears truly remorseful.

I’m a mess. I keep searching stuff and have deleted and shredded files on his emails, he told me he thought he found every email but there were still a couple left from a long time ago. He is supportive of deleting stuff. He said the thought of her makes him sick now, and even thinking about her and their exchanges cause him to be nauseated.

All of my searches revealed he is not contacting her in any way, and I look frequently.

I guess I’m posting because I just need to get this out.

I hate this. We’re old. Hysterical Bonding has happened. What a damn mess.

In my honest opinion, I wouldn't trust a damn word he says. However, he is right in saying that none of his behavior is your fault.

Please be cautious and take care of yourself. Time for you to be a little selfish. Are you in IC?

Sorry you've had to join us.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:10 AM, Wednesday, June 21st]

Gosh I am so very sorry you are in this situation. I totally get what you are going through. I hope you can find the strength and the resolve to do what is best for you. Sending you hope and peace.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned at the top of the forum that are very helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of acronyms we use.

This can be a time where you take stock of your marriage and what do you really want?

My grandma married when she was in her 70's.

Your age shouldn't make a difference. What do you want and need?

I agree that what he did was honestly awful, and you have every right to feel completely gutted.

I think the tragedy here is that five years ago you had to stop having sex for a full year. Then things kind of normalized for a year (were you having regular sex at that point, or was it still infrequent?) but then there was another year and a half without sex again. In a five year period, your husband, by no choice of his own, was denied sex for nearly 2.5 years, or roughly half of that time (which is difficult enough if spread out, but seems like the lack of intimacy clustered together like that was devastating to your marriage in this case).

Did you guys talk about any of this while it was going on? Did you find ways to replace the intimacy if sex wasn't an option? Men NEED physical touch and sexual release. Not only is it due to a buildup of testosterone that creates a chemical time bomb, but sex with our partner is what cements the bond of a couple for a man. Without it, we feel adrift and lost. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I understand how it can happen. I've been there. While I didn't physically cheat on my wife, I did develop emotional affairs that could have gone physical.

This is not your fault. You didn't ask to get injured, you didn't choose to have painful intercourse. You're both victims of circumstance. He chose to do it the wrong way, by getting his needs met by someone else rather than working with you on way to meet them creatively. I feel bad for both of you.

Welcome, and sorry that you're here. You're heard. Given what you've been through your feelings are so valid.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

IcedOver: your response sounds partly like what has happened. There were many times the offer was made, but he had already begun his affair so he declined. I found that she sent him a full length nude photo clear back in 2020. That tells me this was going on long before then - it’s not like she would just randomly send him that kind of thing unless there was already a connection between them.

He just stopped touching me, talking to me, etc. We were still having sex at the time of the nude photo in 2020, so he was well into whatever it was before things began to be painful for me.

He tells me he was watching porn while I was at work, then talking with her too. By the time I got home, he was satisfied by other things and really not interested in what I might offer.

He told her he has loved her for 50 years, has had a lifelong fantasy of her, etc.

I cannot compete with a fantasy. I am real, I wake up with flaws. Fantasy women wake up ready, are always perfect, and can satisfy any whim.

He says he is ashamed, and feels like he is coming out of a fog. He stopped porn (I didn’t ask for that, but am glad he did), and has no contact with OW.

He had prostate cancer awhile back, and we worked very hard to get his sexual abilities back. He can easily be satisfied by porn or fantasy of OW, but more difficult with the real thing now. We’re seeing improvement in this regard. But this makes me feel like crap, I cannot lie.

The fog (limerance) is VERY real and floods your brain with dopamine to the point where you actually rewrite history. It's like a drug and getting the next hit of dopamine overrules your common sense. The only way he'll find his way out of this (and it has to be him choosing to) is if she's completely out of his life. But by no means does this mean you or your marriage will be okay.

I told him that I cannot make decisions for him, nor tell him what do to regarding her. I told him that I cannot, and will not, spend the rest of my life being his personal policeman following him around and enforcing things.

I told him that I want nothing to do with OW, and that if he expects to fix this, he also will have no contact for life.

Daily he comes and tells me that he is seeing things more and more clearly, and that he is so disgusted with his own behavior he cannot believe what a %$#@ he has been. I told him "that makes two of us".

I also told him that he has one, and only one chance at recovering the marriage. And that if any further extramarital bull%#@$ happens, I will leave, and file immediately - and when people ask why, I will explain exactly what happened.

I’m not his mommy. He has to fix his stuff or we are over, and he knows exactly what needs to be fixed. We had that conversation and both of us know what happens if we don’t fix this correctly.

So far, he’s doing well at it. I’m doing as expected, I’m on a rollercoaster ride that I want off of.

I’m on mobile so struggling to quote you -

When the last time you were aware he cheated (18 years ago) did you also tell him that that was his last chance? Because if anything like that was said, you’re showing him again that your words don’t matter. He knows he can do whatever he wants extra-maritally, and you’ll always be there to take him back. He has priors. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him before you waste your entire life. You’re worth so much more than to be this guy’s second, third, or fourth choice.

PHMH,

You’re right, I probably did tell him "never again" before.

And I did put him in that place where he thinks I will put up with it.

I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want him cheating, either.

I’m a mess, and he’s scared that I will walk out at any moment. He is at least telling me the truth when I ask questions about our past and his interactions with other women.

Our conversations have been rough on both of us. But I definitely don’t trust him.

Hi, I’m married 39 yrs. Totally relate to your post.

I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want him cheating, either.

And there lies the problem. By having those two positions, you have put your WH in the driver's seat of your relationship. He is now in a no lose situation, because the greatest possible consequence of his A has effectively been removed. You may not have said these words, but it is possible you may have communicated this position subconsciously to him. O need for him to have his oh shit moment.

I've heard it said often here, that you have to be prepared to lose the M to save the M. I think tgatvis partly true. I think the second half should read, to save yourself.

Apologies, wrong thread.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 4:01 PM, Tuesday, June 27th]

Theend, I think you're replying to a different poster than you meant to.

From the Guidelines:

GENERAL STATEMENTS: Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

*****

My husband had a physical affair about 18 years ago. We did the work and recovered.

What work did he do to change from cheater to good partner? If the work was focused on unmet needs in marriage counseling ('MC'), the work was aimed in the wrong direction. In the 1st place, MC treats the M, and the M didn't cheat - your H did.

'Getting something out' can be a big step in healing.

Sisoon,

Our work included NC with the affair partner, starting over with dates, a LOT of communication about the affair and our thoughts/needs/feelings about our marriage and what we both wanted from it.

It took me a very long time to begin to believe in his "changes". He did change for a long time. He had prostate cancer, and the recovery process was long and difficult.

Our conversations about this recent EA have now led us to some understanding of how we got to this place in the relationship.

One of the major things after prostate surgery is that the man has to keep the penis "active" in order to maintain sexual abilities. When I had my accident, it crushed my face and I had to have about 20 orofacial surgeries over the course of two years. I wasn’t able to tolerate any pressure whatsoever on my mouth (it still is sensitive 5 years later!) so anything like kissing or oral sex was out of the question.

When things normalized, we were active again, but at this point he was using porn during the interim to substitute when I was not able to engage sexually due to surgery and recovery.

That’s kind of where his EA began. We had a female friend since around 1977, and their communication entered into the zone of them both talking about sex. She has major physical health problems and also mental health problems, and is now widowed. She lives two states away. They shared stories of loneliness, and then professing a long-term attraction from way back when.

That rapidly moved into sending nude photos, and then talking about old times, limerence, etc.

So when the vaginal pain began, that EA was already in full bloom. I got medical treatment, but when I told him that things were better and ready to go, he just looked at me vacantly and walked away.

I knew right then that there was another person in the relationship. I just couldn’t figure out who. At the time, I was working full time; he has always worked out of his home office so that’s pretty accommodating for affairs while I’m gone.

I found out because an update on my phone somehow resulted in getting all of his texts and emails on my phone. At first I thought he was texting me - but one text was weird so I scrolled up and found the sexting.

He has stated he has been watching a lot of porn, and that it sucked him in. He thinks that played a major role in his decision to pursue OW, because it was sexual excitement along the same lines as porn.

He is NC with her, and beginning IC. He says that he feels like he is waking up from a bizarre fog, and is doing all the right things in terms of being honest, passwords, answering questions, and showing contrition in all aspects. He has not blamed me, only himself.

We have been married 48 years, just had an anniversary in the middle of this. He says that his thoughts were very crazy during this time - he says he became almost obsessed with porn, and that she became kind of "one more porn channel".

We’re figuring this out. But there is a lot of pain here.

Sorry double post

[This message edited by 5Decades at 4:47 PM, Thursday, June 29th]

I'm so sorry to read your story. I can't imagine the emotional and physical pain you've gone through in the past few years, even before you learned of the A.

My concern is this: you seem to have a grasp of the steps your H took to get into his EA and porn addiction, and I understand use-it-or-lose-it. The thing I'd look for is the thoughts and feelings that enabled your H to cheat with a real person. Knowing how one got into a mess doesn't automatically extend to keeping out of futures As. DIf my concern resonates with you, my reco is to talk about it with your H. A good IC can help your H change.

You describe a good start on healing. I wish you both the best .

Sisoon,

He describes his feelings as being extremely lonely. We live in a rural area, and he works from his home office and has for 30 years. Prior to his affair 18 years ago, he had clients come to the house for meetings. Part of his efforts in R was to stop that practice - he holds all meetings in town now. This makes me feel better but I can see how this could contribute to loneliness.

I am in a very specialized profession, and had to drive distances to work daily. (I recently retired, so this changed). So he was home alone every day during the week. Then COVID crossed into this, as well as the accident and surgeries, etc.

I tend to believe some depression was involved here, as well as alcohol use. He says he thinks his fear of "losing his manhood" and the work we did to recover from cancer really was the tipping point. He says he put way too much focus on his erections being the equivalent of his youth and manhood - and his fears of losing that really drove his emotional responses and behavior.

I can see that being true. When the cancer hit him, it nearly coincided with his affair 18 years ago. And the psychological factors alone were incredibly difficult, let alone the physical recovery of his sexual abilities. He carries a lot of fear around this issue.

None of this was "permission to cheat", and he openly admits and accepts that.

And he had surgery this week, feeling pretty vulnerable. When he woke up from the surgery and looked at me, he cried and apologized again. He shows genuine remorse, which it at least a starting point for us.