SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my story is this. Married 3 decades... up and down marriage like most. I kinda neglected my H for a good 4 years sexually while in menopause. It was one of those times when sex hurt me. He def made use of porn which I was perfectly fine with.Fast forward to Dec 2023 when I guess I sort of woke up to life and noticed how much he was on his phone abd disconnected. I will say he does always read and works on his phone he also works from home. Anyway I confronted and told him we needed to talk about the marriage and work on it. He agreed to some therapy for his controlling and agressive behavior. We started having sex again in Dec like 3 times a week and it was the best ever. We still have sex a few times a week mostly me initiating. He has never been an aggressor in bed.. however he was much more affectionate. So i started to take note of his phone use and other behaviors. I did ask to see his phone in January and found nothing.. however my gut kept screaming at me to snoop
more. I found his reddits that look clean. However.. he had a ton of emails and more than one twitter. I asked to see them all... nothing there. He white lies on occasion so I guess this has made me lose some trust. Fast forward to now when i noticed he wakes up a few times a week with undwear off and he has shaved down there and shaves his face more then i ever noticed. I am guessing he is having an online affair but i cant catch it. He denies this and is very angry I have accused him. I do have a camera hidden at this point but only for audio because I can't leave it on record to catch anything as he is to smart and would find it. Monday I listened in after i left for errands... it recored what sounded like him getting off🤢 I wish I knew how i can confirm this? I know it sounds strange.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

My first thought is that he is possibly doing online hookups as well.

Have you checked your credit card bills to see if there's any suspicious activity? Your phone bill for suspicious calls? A burner phone?

If he was using porn for several years, it could have become an addiction that he cannot stop, shaving would be a huge red flag for me.

Maybe it's nothing, but I have to agree with you, a few red flags would have me digging deeper to get to the truth one way or the other.

Yeah agreed on the credit card statements, it could be a personalized onlyfans/AdultFriendFinder situation or something like that.

Try signing up on those websites as well using your husbands email and see if an account already exists.

I have not had access to his bank account in 30 years. He is controlling. Always has been this is not new. We are very recent empty nesters. I feel as though he has found a person and developed an emotional connection even though that is not is style he is a virgo. I have gone to great lengths for months joining tinder.. bumble and many more using his two phone numbers... and any email I know of even fb dating could not find anything.

Based on what's happened so far and his 'experience', you're going to have to delve deeper down the rabbit hole. Do not confront at all until you have actual proof otherwise he'll hide it even better!!

It could be something or nothing more than watching porn and getting off on it, which you were previously aware of but times have changed and I suggest once you've got to the bottom of this, change that as well. A few options on this: maybe watch together as a bonding exercise or cut it out - big conversation required at some point!!

With regard to catching him, this isn't going to be easy but things like camera's, voice activated recorders help - so you know something is going on! Choose your options wisely and investigate accordingly, be aware it's draining and time consuming. I notice you've used a VAR, to make it easier to work out when there is something of worth listening to - use the program 'Audacity' as it shows the sound waves and saves a lot of time!

The next thing to look at is your router for the house as they keep a record of the websites, I haven't done this personally but take the time to look into it - you may need technical assistance from a friend or buy in help? There's no doubt he has burner accounts and emails accounts and maybe other things - keep positive, look after yourself in the meantime!!

You have to get your poker face on, keep everything on the level and see where things go!

Thanks for the router info. Might need to look into that. Yeah he will be tough to catch as he is gaslighting so much. I believe I am right. Just need confirmation.