SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry about the accident. More trauma and pain ... I hope you heal well and quickly.

Mr Kite
I'm glad to hear Hank is ok.
I'm sure he'll be by your side, while you heal.
If only our wives were as loyal as our dogs.

*tips cap*

Gents. Hope everyone is doing well, considering their individual circumstances.

Right back at you. It's cold here in Western Maryland, around 16 degrees along with snow. The wife has been gone since Nov. 4th taking care of our granddaughter in LA, California while our son and his wife sort out their upcoming divorce. Sad! It's just me and Hank my loyal dog and companion. How's everyone else doing these days?

It's up to 17 here now. It's downright balmy, after a few days of low single digit temps.

I went for a Prius 5 years ago, and I'm grateful. A friend has a Tesla that is stuck in hos garage.

Ok guys,

I know I am struggling, and I really have only been in R for a year, even though Dday was along time ago. Champion Rug Sweeper here.

Anyway-let me say sex with her confuses me. I come away with good feelings and sometimes wondering if she wants me or my dick.

Background-we are both 59-have sex 3 to 4 times a week (over past year-loveless , sexless marriage for 2018-2022).

So, we have sex-good for me. She did not hit O, but she says it’s ok, she enjoyed it (not totally unusual). Also, we took some pot gummies just to relax before sex. So—we order dinner delivered, and watch TV for about an hour. The pot starts kicking in, so we go to bed to watch more tv (so I thought). She decided she wants to arrive-ok, cool, so we go at it. (Unusual) . I hold her in my arms. I think we are done, but no, she wants round 3. We do it again. WTF?? I mean WTF? we have not had sex more than once a day in years, maybe decades.

I love her. I know that. This is all really pleasurable to me. She tells me she loves me. I feel really connected to her after sex. I’m all in!

We have not been fighting, this is not make up sex.

So, what do you guys think? Was it the pot? Does she really love me (I think yes)? Does she love me for me, or because I am a good lay? I mean I fucking loved it. It was wild. I am just confused on what got into her. I want to be loved for me, not my body.

One more thing, I asked her what this was about, and she said making up for lost time. She said she loved having sex with me, and wanted to be close with me. She was sorry about the sexless time.

I need some clear heads to help me on this

(I edited, some details are not important)

[This message edited by goingtomakeit at 3:26 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

Also. Just wanted to add, I don’t entirely trust her. I got really burned-like all you guys did.

goingtomakeit - I'm envious. Sex 3 or 4 times a week? That's great. Enjoy it. The only thing I would ask her is why the sudden change after a long spell of a "loveless , sexless marriage?" You're a year into R. Is this postponed hysterical bonding or something else?

Also. Just wanted to add, I don’t entirely trust her. I got really burned-like all you guys did.

Well of course you don't. It's up to her to rebuild that trust.

Also, we took some pot gummies just to relax before sex.

Here's more for me to be envious of. As a gun owner, according to Federal law, I'm not allowed to buy or partake of weed. I would love to roll a doobie right now and drift off to sleep but that will not happen unless the law is changed.

Ascendant!

Great to see you mate! Hope all is well with the family. I don't post much these days either, but I read from time to time. Always great to see Menz still around from back in the day. I really don't try to use SI like social media, though I leaned on it a lot back in the day. Latest in my life is still recovering from hip replacement surgery, but everything else is going great. Planning on actually retiring this year so I can do more gardening and fishing. Just at that point where time is my most valuable thing that I can't get more of. Spending more time with Sand, the kids, and grandkids is what I want to be doing. Hope everyone is doing well and finding your own healing.

Guys,

Does anyone know anything about the Men of Honor weekend. I recently found a website-Beyond Affairs. This is just a guys weekend. Everyone who goes is affected by infidelity (WH and BH).

Anyone been?

Looks like it's a descendant (rellc?) of a couple of) movements from the last quarter of the 20th century - 'marathons' (intensive weekend-long therapy groups and the 'men's movement'.

Long, intensive group therapy sessions can be extremely useful in building one's ability and willingness to love oneself. They provide 12-24 hours of therapy, depending on the program. That's the equivalent of 14+-29 IC sessions, but because there is not break after every session, it usually is a lot more intensive than 14+-29 IC sessions. It can be more stressful, too, but that helps - when the stress gets bad enough, it's easier to decide to change.

Also, some of the work gets done vicariously - that is, participants experience others do work that they need to do, so some attendees get help simply by seeing others do their work. I got a lot done in marathons, but I was careful about the leaders. I was fortunate in that I lived in a hotbed of therapy, knew a good therapist personally (W's parents' close friend), and she gave us info about the leaders who were doing marathons. Today ... I haven't seen a marathon advertised in probably 30 years. OTOH, these guys have been doing these weekends for a long time, so they may be very good.

One downside of the intense nature of weekend-long therapy is that it is too much for people with very big issues. People can freak out, like a bad acid trip. I saw that once, and I remember it pretty well, even though the leaders had the person well under control - they had to do a lot of soothing, though, of the person herself and of the other attendees.

I saw the men's movement as over-hyped. It's propaganda about what some people think 'manhood' is. It's not bas stuff, but I didn't feel a need for support as a man. I was probably wrong, since I know a guy who is a great therapist and a leader in the men's movement, and he kept inviting me. I probably would have benefitted from joining his group on some weekends.

Anyway, the ideas used to sell the weekend are good, but I don't personally know if this particular iteration will help. It may be worth it. YMMV.

Have you considered Retrouvaille? A number of SIers have gone to Retrouvaille weekends, and they have all (IIRC) been happy with the program. It's for couples, not just men. It's also Roman Catholic, but everyone on SI has said the spcifics of the program are not limited to any one religion.

One Monday long ago, an SIer posted that she had just come back from Retrouvaille in a particular city. Another person posted the same thing. It took a couple of responses for them to realize they had been to the same session. It was a break in anonymity, but a happy one.

Hello, is this thing on? Seems !il s!ow lately
So fww lately has been accusing me of having a girlfriend,mostly due to my lack of interest in sex.I tell my buddies i dont want the woman i have let alone another. Do i tell her the same? Got no interest in any relationships anymore, just wanna be alone, live life in peace. 55 now, is it an age thing?

It might be an age thing or it might be that you want to avoid going through the same pain again. Both are understandable. I’m 43 and plan to go into another relationship and maybe have more kids. I refuse to let my WW’s betrayal and abandonment define the rest of my life.

It sounds like you’re still in contact with your WW, either directly or through the grapevine. Why? No good can come of it. It’s just a way for her to try to continue to control you and will block your path to healing. If you have kids you only text her about them for logistics. That’s what I do.

Hello, is this thing on? Seems !il s!ow lately

So fww lately has been accusing me of having a girlfriend,mostly due to my lack of interest in sex.I tell my buddies i dont want the woman i have let alone another. Do i tell her the same? Got no interest in any relationships anymore, just wanna be alone, live life in peace. 55 now, is it an age thing?

64fleet,

Sorry you are here and feeling this way still after such a long time. As far as not having an interest in sex, that could be an age thing but could also be a low Testosterone thing. On another forum I am on, many BHs talked about their testosterone tanking after finding out their wives had been unfaithful. It’s weird but almost literally being emasculated. I started doing some research and loss of libido, lack of energy and general depression can be symptoms. Ironically, I thought those were just the symptoms of being cheated on (I suppose two things can be true). I asked my Urologist to check mine and it was super low. So I was put on TRT (the gel at first but that did nothing) and now my T is "in the range of an 18 year old" and I am 61. Let’s just say "lack of libido" is the polar opposite of where I am now. But here’s the rub. I am still basically just a roommate with my wife. In a perfect world, I would have left after discovering her multiple infidelities from many years ago. The love has basically died except for being the mother of my children and being together for 43 years. But were we REALLY together at all? It was basically a mirage.

I read through many of your posts. It seems like you have been feeling this way for a while. I understand you were hanging around until your youngest turned 18. Isn’t that this year? If you truly want to just live alone, you SHOULD tell your wife. At this point, you deserve to live the life you choose. Not the "lie" you have been forced to live due to her cheating.

At any rate, it won’t hurt anything to have your testosterone checked. I feel sooooo much better overall even though the cheating still hangs over me like an albatross (and likely always will).

You deserve happiness!

[This message edited by ImaChump at 2:28 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

As far as what hurt the most about my wife's affair, it's difficult to say. The overall betrayal hurt pretty bad. The lying to my face. The explicit dirty talk and pictures. Whatever physical stuff that happened.

Honestly I cannot separate them and say one hurt more than the other.

Six years on. I still feel emasculated. Angry. Frustrated. Cheated. Sad. Do not trust anymore. My anger for the AP is still intense. I could crush him if I wanted to but that would land me in trouble. I exposed him to his wife and family. That brought me some relief but I still feel an injustice I’ll never get over.

I’ve worked with psychologists and still can’t get over the shit sandwich I’ve had to consume. Does it ever get better? The initial shock is gone. But the residual pain persists. Wife doesn’t bring it up and avoids talking about it. We haven’t talked about it for 5 years. She goes into a catatonic state if I bring it up. I think about it. Everyday. Every day for six years. Apart from my psychologist no one else knows. I feel alone.

Infidelity is the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:51 AM, Thursday, August 15th]

I'm sorry your pain is so intense, especially at this point.

You may feel emasculated, but I'd bet that very, very few SIers. if any (there are usually outliers), would agree with you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:30 PM, Sunday, August 18th]

@Mene I don’t know the particular story of your betrayal, but I think that your wife refuses to speak of it is definitely standing in the way of your recovery. My betraying wife has to discuss it with me every once in a while, if she refused to speak about it at all, I would definitely be in a worse position.

I doubt regret not exposing the AP to his wife, it just did not occur to me. Now, it’s years later and he’s divorced for other reasons. I definitely would’ve felt better letting him be exposed to his family. Did not hurt me to beat the guy, he was just an opportunist, maybe a predatory opportunist, but no different than most of these guys.

Gentleman it's been a long time but I thought it was time to check in. Nice to see some of the old timers still come by. Not seeing a lot of activity here makes me hopeful that this forum isn't needed as much as it used to be.

Life has been good. After the 10 year antiversary of d-day something changed and the thoughts and memories became less frequent. They're still there but either not as frequent or just don't have the same hold on me they used to. Our relationship/marriage is what I always thought it could be. Not to say there aren't problems because there are, but overall we're more in love than ever before. And speaking of love, my son from my first marriage and his wife just had our first grandchild. He's amazing and the cutest baby in the world so don't even think about arguing with me about it.

I do still have times the hurt runs deep, and times regardless of how happy we are that I question staying and fighting for us. Lately, I'm guessing with the 12 year antiversary coming up it's closer to the surface than it has been. I think how can I be so happy with someone who hurt me to the very core of my being. How can I put even a little bit of trust in her. Why am I so accepting of someone who tried to destroy our marriage and treated me like I was the most horrible person to ever live. Love and forgiveness is the only answer I can think of. But then there's that part of me that tells me I'm less than a man for not doing everything I could to hurt her the way she hurt me. I wouldn't have cheated. I never would do that before, it's just not who I am. I'm better than that. But in the last several years I've realized another reason I would never have had an RA. I'm not that cruel. But my cruelty can run deep in another way. I could have ruined her socially, and that would probably have been the worst thing for her. But that's not the path I chose.

Anyway, I've rambled more than I intended. My prayer is that each of you find or continue on the path that brings you health, healing, and happiness.

Regarding the question " What hurt the most in your wife's affair?"., as one would imagine none of it was devoid of intense pain, but by far the worst pain came from the pregnancy which resulted in the birth of AP's child coupled with the decades long secrecy and paternity fraud. I dearly love the boy who became a very accomplished high ranking military officer with a PhD in computer science who has given my WW and me three wonderful grandkids and is now retired with a son of his own whose wife is about to make us great grand-parents. My genetic material will not be passed on, but really, so what?!!
The second most painful.aspect of my WW's affair was the long trail.of relentless vilification that WW employed to justify her terrible choices. The knowledge that I was painted as a useless cretin to her close friends and just about all (and there were many) who knew about her three iterations of her affair with the same POS doctor. I still cannot bear to be around some of the relations and mutual friends who were aware of the affair and believed the calumny she concocted, although I am grateful to one BIL and several friends who apologized to me for ever giving credence to WW's claims. Even decades late that still soothe some of the sting, but most importantly WW has earnestly apologized and my resentment towards her has diminished now just over two years after her confession.