SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been nearly 24 hours since the last post on this thread.

Did you do the right thing and tell her the entire truth? Did you schedule the polygraph to back that up? Did you write a complete timeline? Did you take the first steps towards becoming a better man? Or are you still abusing her, and keeping your kids in a toxic environment?

Sorry all for not responding,  

So the reason I have not been on here much is due to the disaster that I have caused at home, I have read through all your comments and it is incredibly hard to read and at times accept BUT I do accept it and I DO want to change and help her through this. I don’t want to make excuses and I understand that I have being doing, in ways to protect and shield myself from my shame and embarrassment at what I have bought to my wifes door!  

As a result I have come clean to her about "stuff" I have given her more information that she didn’t know and have explained that there is more information that I have to give her but to avoid the pain I will do this in a timeline and actually spend some time trying to get it all down. I mentioned before about my compartmentalising of information, due to my occupation I have "learnt" lots of great and scary ways to bury information (due to the trauma I have seen) and it is hard to drag this out at times ESPECIALLY when I get all anxious and freaked out. I have acted in many ways and I realise that I have created sooo many more problems that just didn’t have to be there for her but I want to correct these.  

I can also see that I acted out in a selfish and manipulative way by originally posting here, for that I am sorry not only to her but to you all. I tried to take advantage and use the old "well if he has gone to those lengths he must be telling the truth" when in fact I wasn’t and for that again I am sorry. This website has been useful to me in so many ways and I really feel for all that post here and some of the names that come up are often spoken about in our home at times in disbelief and at times in pain.  

As it stands though right now, I have moved out (living in a tent what a fall from grace)  and am giving her space and time that SHE needs whilst I work on my timeline and I have reached out for some more counselling/CBT and Hypnotherapy as I realise that a lot of my defensiveness comes from the anxiety that I have caused myself. I am therefore hoping that I can work through my Sh*t and not tarnish or damage her anymore. The destruction and pain I have caused to all in my orbit is unreal, whilst I can talk the talk I certainly cant walk the walk and I know that. I have worked hard to build my little empire and it would be funny (if not for how sad it really is) how easy it was to destroy it in a 3 month fling followed by 13 odd months of just lies and minimising.  

I read a post from a former WS on here just now, you hit the nail on the head really!! I have been trying to rush this along from day 1 and have been trying to rug sweep and just cover stuff up to avoid the awkward conversations. I have maintained a narrative and have tried to downplay certain aspects of this A to avoid the bigger questions that may come but in doing so I have now created an absolute mess.  

I have to see myself for what I am, a chronic liar and someone who is selfish and essentially a petulant child who wants to change and actually show her and my children that I can be a decent husband/father.  

All I can hope for at the moment is that she will want to be my friend, if she chooses to be in a relationship with me then fantastic but if not I understand! She deserves far more in life than someone who is a coward and hides behind a flawed character who she once believed was some deity.

I am dropping my guard and dropping the bullcrap!

I think you have made some very tough decisions and applaud you for taking the first hard steps towards transparency.

I hope this helps you rebuild your marriage.

The hardest part is recognizing your mistakes and then being willing to do something about it.

Keep posting so we can continue to give you support and advice towards reconciliation.

Well. Damn. I'm really shocked. But,in a good way.

Congratulations...you have taken the first real steps, towards becoming a man you can be proud of.

Change isn't easy. But you will find it rewarding, regardless of the outcome.

You showed her the first bit of real respect in all of this.

She will be hurt and angry. But, she will also feel relief. She knew you weren't being honest. She knew. And while the truth is painful, it will help her heal.

Out of curiosity whose idea was the tent and where is it? Have you sat down and asked her what she wants and needs from you and listened as she told you?

Commitment to change is good, but bear in mind Commitment is a low value item right now. Show her the follow through.

I have to see myself for what I am....

Yup. Then you need to decide whether or not to change.

I expect you're looking at the work in front of you with some fear. Look, what you've done, you've done. You can't take any of it back. But you CAN change in ways that you start living an honest life, and an honest life is a good life - with or without your W.

Looking inside and seeing yourself as you are right now is a daunting task, I can almost guarantee that once you do it, you'll wonder why it seemed to be so scary.

Changing from cheater to good partner may seem impossible right now. I can almost guarantee that once you do it, you'll tell yourself it was easier than you thought - and you'll know it's much easier to stay honest than to go back to your old behaviors.

You're on the way to owning your shit. Part of that is realizing that you own it - it doesn't own you. Leaving it behind makes life easier and better.

I am dropping my guard and dropping the bullcrap!

Congratulations and I hope you mean it this time.

The first step is to look at yourself in the mirror and do a through assessment of who you are. If you don’t like what you see and what you have become (and by the sounds of it you don’t) then there is only one way forward: change. Not in order to keep your marriage, not because your wife asks you so, but because you want to become someone who can be proud of their réflexion next time you look in that mirror.

Change is hard but not impossible. If you ask me it doesn’t take a huge amount to be a decent human being.

Good luck with your transformation process and remember, us humans are capable of much more than we believe we can achieve if we are willing to work hard for it.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 3:42 PM, Thursday, July 13th]

Take time and care in your timeline. Go back through calendars and phone records if you need to to try and remember everything to the best if your ability.

In order to heal (for both of you), there can’t be available to difficult conversations. You have to realize that any detail, no matter how small or insignificant it seems to you, will be burned into her brain. BS’s have a photographic memory because of the trauma. If you are honest and vulnerable you can work through that. Don’t put yourself in a position that you have to dig yourself out of at a later time.

With reconciling there is no sentence to serve and early release for good behavior. It’s an ongoing process of checks and balances. It’s open honest communication, it’s vulnerability, it’s genuine remorse, it’s patience and kindness, it is active listening without defensiveness, it’s transparency, it’s initiating hard conversations, and it’s life long.

It gets easier over time, but after 13 years I can tell you that we still occasionally talk about it. It’s more natural these days but it will forever be part of our history.

You have to decide if that will be ok with you.

Tiny, you do not (yet) sound like a candidate for R.

Your BS wants precise details because her view of the world, her reality, her judgment proved to be catastrophically wrong and she's trying to determine what is real. As a BS, it is EXTRAORDINARILY important to know everything. EVER-Y-THING. To know about the double life and no longer be kept in the dark in any way, shape, or form. It is not up to you to decide what she needs. It is up to her, and she has communicated that to you.

Also, you are probably still lying.

Yep it is hard and its been a rather hard few days, the days ahead are set to be harder but what I have discovered is that actually writing this timeline is far easier than I actually thought given how negative I was about it.

I have so far had to use a date as a set point with the help of my BS which allowed me to formulate my shift pattern giving me the availability to see it in black and white. I have gone through the three months of phone Bill's documenting all the phone calls made (she has already had all my Bill's so this isnt new) but what it has allowed me to do is see patterns.

The patterns I have seen allow me to show her exactly my movements. I have come clean about certain things that have bothered me and led to many of my stupid indiscretions.

I have previously told her about my fear and wht may happen to me if it came out, she couldn't understand as what I had told her was simply not aligned to why I was so fearful but the truth now makes her see sense. The reason why I didn't tell her was because quite simply the reaction I got from her when I told her something relatively minor was so upsetting I just couldn't imagine telling her the worst part of it all. I took that from her and she was left questioning and wondering exactly what it was that I had done. Something which now, given she knows has cleared some stuff up. I also have realised that despite the affair ending and believing i had reduced the risk to her I was still exposing her to risk. My BS emailed my AP, highlighting some of the issues she bought to our marriage and highlighting exactly how crappy the affair was for me using info I gave her. I was more than happy wkth that email as it was full of truths but at the same time never considered the reality that if she replied back or infact just got a pissy on and contacted my employer than I could have cost her our home and livelihood....she would never have sent that email if she had known the truth and I once more opened her up to that risk.

In ref to the choice of the tent, this was mine. The tent is an 8 person mini house so it's not exactly uncomfortable and the great british weather has allowed me to find some peace away from the home in some random field its given me an ability to both read and write till I can see no more due to the darkness.

It's been useful and I hope and pray for some peace for Mrs Tinytim with all this and allow her to make an informed choice as to whether she wants this. We have both struggled and we have both shared many tears but my only concern over these last few days has been how she has been and what more I can do to alleviate her pain. Last night she called me back to the house, we talked calmly and shared some more about the affair and this morning we have talked some more. Baby steps are helping and we both see this as being back at day one and the one thing I can now do is try and just own my shiz and do this discovery the way it is meant to be.

All your comments on this thread have really helped. After the affair I made the choice to isolate myself, I lied to one of my closest friends and chose to minimise at the time all that I was doing. I also chose to lie to him whilst in recovery and then got angry at him.

He has always been a friend of our marriage, always supported both of us and I know i need to make it up to him as i need his support also in all this.

My family are fairly useless and own shares in the rugsweeping business so i cant expect their help in any of this as much as I would love too but I will be coming clean to them about the extent of my lies as my BS hasn't got anyone around her where we now live. She needs everyone, everyone that I took away from her.

So the tent, also, was your idea. Did you ask her if she wanted you to do that before you did?

There's all this "I" statements but nothing about asking her what she wants and what she tells you when you ask her.

Oh she has already told me what she wants and we have a plan, sorry if that's not been made clear.

The tent was discussed and tbf I wouldn't have seen what the drama is/was as if I had a hotel I would be spending money which we simply do not have and if I stayed at my folks (over 100 miles a day) I'd have risked an accident due to my long days and would have spent a small fortune on fuel so instead I tucked myself near work. We have life 360 so she knows where I am and that I am safe and we had some contact in between...

May I ask why you are focused on the tent?

Naturally there will be the I statements in this as I am the one who needs to amend their behaviour and sort out their shiz not her....but I know what she needs and I know what needs to be done if this is ever going to be fixed of which she has made very clear is a big IF. I can but only try and see if I can give her what she needs to remedy this. (Again lots of I's.....)

It's not the tent I am focused on. It's decisions you're making for her. If you discussed that with her and she felt it was a good idea, great.

Most of your posts are about you. There's very little you say about what you discussed with her, what she asked you for. It's not about drama. It's about what she wants to feel safe.

No, not naturally a lot of I statements. You say you know what she needs but you don't follow that up with something like "because I asked her and we talked about it." What has been natural is you making things about you. Thus the focus.

If she has already told you, great. What has she told you?

[This message edited by StillGoing at 5:59 PM, Saturday, July 15th]

The reason why I didn't tell her was because quite simply the reaction I got from her when I told her something relatively minor

No sir. You do not get to blame her,for your refusal to tell her the entire truth. I don't think you realize that's what you're doing,but that's exactly what you're doing.

You didn't tell her everything for the same reason most ws withhold the truth. You didn't want to deal with the consequences of being truthful.

Of course finding out anything about the infidelity is going to hurt,and the BS will have a negative response. But..we hear it..we process it...we deal with it,and we move forward. Sure,it hurts. But most BS would rather deal with the pain of the truth, than be lied to.

HF I completely agree and forgive me you are rights it nothing to do with her in that respects it is totally my own feelings of shame and embarrassment that have caused me to do this. She just wants to know what has happened as I just told my mum (the master of conflict avoidance) how can she ever forgive if she doesnt know what to forgive.

I can see that statement though and how it comes across as blaming her I totally do....I'm not the best at writing more of a brute really but I am trying.

Anyhow in response to the other poster:

She made the decision to want a break, she made the decision that she wanted me out the house and made the decision for me to find somewhere else. She wanted to ensure I was safe but I made the choice to camp as per the above of which she was in agreement with. She asked me to write a timeline, I agreed and have made a start on this.

She has made the decision to invite me back to the house, I have offered to find elsewhere but have allowed her that choice and she is yet to make a decision on whether she wants this to proceed. I have explained how I will support her regardless, I have explained how I will do the timeline and have explained I will move at her speed and not rush things as I have tried to do this last year.

In short I am just spending the time we have together learning to listen and to not just be a defensive ass wipe

When you give updates of what you are doing for your bs, give them in context of her wants and needs. Working on your own issues is good, but when you're specifically doing things she wants and needs for R it's not all about you. Many of your posts are focused on you. Your last post sounds more like it being about her and your efforts to help move to R, and that's good.

R is two people. You have work to do on yourself yes, but this forum is not that sole focus.