SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a general observation, in no way specific to couples who are living through infidelity and reconciliation. It is a but a personal perspective as a former BS that I would like to share with the SI community.

We often are bombarded with articles on self-care for healing and establishing boundaries during reconciliation following infidelity.
It could be said that once infidelity is present in any relationship, most of the books, documents, articles focus on self-care and establishing clear boundaries during reconciliation. In other words, care and heal yourself first.

For the most part I agree with this approach. However, there is a wayward spouse in the reconciliation picture. As one focuses on self care and establishing clear boundaries, simultaneously the betrayed deals with relating with the wayward spouse.
I’d really like to see more written advice about relating quicker to your reconciliation partner as the work of reuniting and healing begins.

On a personal note, during the first two years of reconciliation I worked on self-care and establishing boundaries. Looking at my efforts, I see that had I included different ways to connect to our re-unification earlier, my path would have been smoother for me emotionally as a betrayed working on healing and reconciliation. . All the work I was doing focused on me as a priority, not our relationship during those first two years. All my work limited me to feeling good about our re-unification efforts during that time.

What makes us human is the ability to strike a balance in reconciliation between my personal ways of doing things, my spouse’s personal ways of doing things and most importantly keeping the relation, the connectivity between us alive and healthy. Sometimes that means adjusting my boundaries and caring more for the relationship and not necessarily caring more for my self-care development.

I love this post.

As an old vet who is back in the SI saddle after 19 years, I can affirm that healing oneself is paramount. It has to be above all else. We've been dealt the ultimate blow by the person who pledged to care for us and protect us, and we need self-focus to heal and process and figure out what we want to do. We're donning the oxygen masks, so to speak, and we each have to put our own on first before we can help - or even consider - anyone else.

You can't build a healthy relationship without two whole people. The BS should work on the trauma that has just been dumped on them, and the WS should work on what caused them to heap trauma on the person who is supposed to be their closest ally on this earth. We can support each other along the way, but those really do have to be solo journeys.

My H and I were already in MC when DDay arrived. My H confessed. We continued MC for two more years. And he was a terrific MC. We got kicked out at the end of it, with MC saying, "You're done here. Go forth and prosper" or something like that. And we were done - with healing the relationship. But we hadn't healed ourselves. 19 years later, we've both started IC and we're back at the same MC for quarterly tune-ups. I wish we'd done IC from the start, but at least we're getting into it now. Things are feeling good and solid and peaceful, probably for the first time ever.

I will say that we would not have stayed together had I not been compassionate towards my WH and empathetic about the pain and shame and guilt that he was surely feeling. My grace towards him helped him learn to trust me as his soft place to fall. He didn't believe that I would want to stay with him after he confessed, and it took some reassurance from me that I wasn't trying to punk him into fake R. That I really did want to try to R. One can be a hard ass about boundaries and self care, and still be a soft place to fall. And having established that trust as the soft place to fall leads to transparency and authenticity, which I believe are the cornerstones of a solid, healthy relationship.

The saying, "Do no harm, but take no shit" comes to mind.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 5:31 PM, Wednesday, July 19th]

I believe that there is no fast track to R because it's a process that is part of the rest of the marriage. Self care early on is important because early on, it's difficult to make healthy decisions due to an emotional overload. Of course everyone is different, and no timeline to healing is universal- so these rather generic pieces of advice have been fine tuned to err on the side of caution and safety.

I will also say that when I have seen people try to fast track R here, it often seems to involve rugsweeping and result in other issues down the line.

So I think the reasons these articles focus on self care, is to get the bs to a healthy/safe enough space to make those decisions for R and the relationship with the ws.

To amplify StillGoing's point: I think one of the expected outcomes of self-care is that the BS and WS will realize what they want in R and in M and find the strength to ask for it. Asking for what one wants enables the partners to determine if their wants are align closely enough to support R or not.

Like SacredSoul33...I LOVE this post...thanks for sharing it!!

Asking for what one wants enables the partners to determine if their wants are align closely enough to support R or not.

Something similar to THIS was what worked for ME...thanks for writing this sisoon!

I’d really like to see more written advice about relating quicker to your reconciliation partner as the work of reuniting and healing begins.

For ME...I saw my H's A relatively quickly as a symptom of HIS brokenness. In order to have the M I WANTED with him...I realized we were BOTH going to have to walk down a healing path together. This is MY story...but others may have other ways that helped for them.

My H confessed to his A...and I immediately told him the M was over. Instead of contacting the adultery co-conspirator like I told him he should when I was leaving the living room...my H followed me into our bedroom. That was really ODD to me because he obviously had found someone to replace me since he had an A...right? Wrong! There was a lot more I learned as we went on the healing journey...but what we did FIRST put us on our path for BOTH of us to heal.

After I insisted my H contact the adultery co-conspirator and he reluctantly left the bedroom...I started wondering IF our M could possibly be saved? I thought about it for a bit...and decided...much like sisoon wrote...that I was going to say what I WANTED in order to go forth with R. They were my ultimatums. Honestly...I didn't think my H would go along with ANY of them. But having his A was so SELFISH...and in order for our M to work...he had to be UNselfish!

I gave him the ultimatums...and told him he didn't have to agree to any of them. BUT...if he didn't do EVERY ONE...we were DONE. This was my line in the sand so to speak. Surprisingly...he not only did every one...he surpassed them!! There weren't that many...and I have probably forgotten a few...but there were a few I remember very well.

The first one he had to do immediately...send a NC message to the adultery co-conspirator. He didn't even hesitate on that one. I still feel a little glee thinking about how she got a message thinking they were going to be together...only to have that hope DASHED about an hour later when he said he would never message her again...and he never has.

The next one was that HE had to plan a fabulous vacation for US the next year...during the anniversary of some of their "firsts"...first date...first kiss...etc. This was something he had never done before...PLAN an event just for US. Not only that...but he had to PLAN special events on the days of some of those "firsts" that they had...to combat the triggers I knew I would feel from those times. I can't even begin to say how much this HELPED me to combat those triggers!!

The one that helped the most for me was when I told him that two times a month he would have to PLAN a special night...just for ME. It may seem trivial to some...but my H had never had to do anything like this. All the planning for our 28 year M at that point had all been done by ME. If anything went wrong...then he could blame ME. If everything went right...then HE took the credit!! YES...he was very SELFISH for most of our M...so I knew that it would be a struggle to become an unselfish person. I accepted this before...but after disrespecting me like he did...I would NOT accept it NOW!

It was awkward for my H at first...but after a while...he told me he never realized how EASY doing something like that actually was. He said that he wasn't sure HOW to do things like that...and since I never seemed to mind...he just never took the initiative. But once he did...and he saw how happy it made me...it encouraged him to do more. WIN-WIN!!

Another thing that happened...which has actually become the MOST important path to OUR healing...has been doing a daily Bible Study together! It didn't start out that way though. On his own...my H started reading his Bible. He wanted to find a way to "fix" his sin of committing adultery. The more he read...the more he saw that he was not living a life that God would want him to live.

He kept wanting MORE of that...so he would buy devotionals and other books about faith. After a while WE started reading them together. I am not sure when it started...but it has turned into us doing a daily Bible Study for YEARS now! Of all of the adventures WE have been on...THIS has been the BEST by far!! You just don't know what you don't know. But once you KNOW...well...WOW!

Having self care IS important. But going down a healing path...TOGETHER...that is pretty important too. As StillGoing pointed out...there is NO fast track to R. But R can be on a track where both self care and caring for the other spouse...either BS or WS...are on the SAME track. At least...for US it was!

Excellent post!

A decade ago, I was given a LOT of STRONG advice from more than one place on what I should do immediately to care for myself and the challenges I was facing.

What Mr Uxor must do in specifics to prove his intent OR ELSE.

And much did not match our landscape and who we are at all.

What I learned, and I think you may have come to realize it earlier than me, is that my needed boundary may be different than someone else’s. My self care may be different than someone elses. My chosen pattern of reconciliation may be different and I may even need to change it as I heal, Mr Uxor heals and our family healed.

Many things influenced this. Too many to list.

What did stay consistent was this:

1. A healthy boundary is not a manipulation, a punishment or revenge tactic. It is not to change someone else, it is an assessment of what is actually in my control that allows me to survive my life in a healthy way.

2. Self care is not a temporary self-medicating feel good instant gratification step. It is assessing my needs vs my wants, then assessing what true needs I have that are being disrupted, depleted and damaged. Then doing what is in my power to restore and repair these into a balance for my spiritual, physical, intellectual, emotional and social wellbeing.

3. Expecting perfection of myself and others guarantees failure. Expecting effort to be optimal allows myself, my spouse and others to be human but does not enable them to harm me or my life.

There is a great page in a book that is in the healing library I go back to read often on not allowing others to shame the betrayed for who we love or the way we choose to say or detach in our healing.

I read and sometimes re-read it.

Anyone know if it is ok to reference a book, page and/or quote guidance that is in our own library on here? (Treading carefully so as to not break rules.)

References to SI material should be OK, especially if it's in the Healing Library. Remember the guideline of not discussing thread B in thread A.

@sissoon

Thank you for the clarification. I am so sorry it took so long to reply. Real world issues took over. (Ha. Don’t we all have them.)

The book I wanted to refer to in the healing library is "Surviving Betrayal".

First, I want to qualify it as being a book for women, not men, and not a recent publication.

That being said, the page I am going to reference could easily apply to men as well.

And perhaps the fact that I still find advice from the daily contemplations useful, 2.5 decades after its publication and a decade after my own crisis, is a testimony that it has an element of timelessness.

Second, is my reference: (Page 88) Here it talks about not being shamed by others for loving the person (in this case, a man) who betrayed us. In summary, that they often struggle with mental illnesses and addictions, so we are likely loving an ill spouse. And that we are sometimes surrounded by a world that shames and blames us for trying to be on a very difficult journey of healing with them, or at least hoping they will heal too. We are not bad because we love a person who is in crisis.

In consideration of how this relates to the original poster’s point, this sight and my own prior post, I see it as such:

It is important for all of us to recognize that even in the shared goal of healthy reconciliation, we are not always making the same 180 choices because our landscapes are different. Our ripple effects of choices differ.

What works to "180" for one person may not work for another person. Someone else’s choices could put them, their family or even wayward spouse in an even more precarious place than they are starting from. Or they may need other steps or progressions toward what they need to do first.

I could give my own examples, but really, I think the OP has valid points, if we all think back and how someone else’s choices and options may differ and that can delay healthy connection if mis-guided.

What I do value about the book and about a "180" approach is that both progress and move oneself to the concept of learning and planning healthy self care (which a "180" plan is a pivotal part of) so that you can learn to survive emotionally no matter if reconciled, separated, or single post betrayal.

Oh! The book also covers progressing toward healthy detachment vs indifference (page 79). That also applies to the OPs post. And is likely a huge struggle for many of us who had to "180" in various ways.

To not be shamed in how we handle our healthy boundaries and self care differently, and to know we can work toward emotional detachment rather than emotional indifference is a possible pathway of healthy connection in reconciliation. Not a fast-track. But perhaps a pathway that can be missed and cause delay.

(By the way…that book is beat to heck, high lighted, ear marked and stickered. Some pages were not a match. Some saved my sanity.)

Sissoon, if I over referenced or this was confusing, let me know. I am very grateful for this site and want to be sure to always respect the rules and guidance, and repair comments if I do.

[This message edited by Uxoragain at 7:06 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]