SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had a talk with BS this evening. Part of this we talked about accountability and how I and other WS keep starting to do the work and then when things get tough we stay wayward and avoid. BS asked how I seek accountability. I have an IC and have recently discussed them on SI and am working with them to hold me more accountable. I am in contact with a WS who is well into recovery and we share our story and I receive lots of great advise, advise which I have taken bits of (usually the easy stuff) and ignored the rest. That, I will change and be more accountable to them.

The thoughts then moved to this forum. Is it possible for me and others to talk about their work or their thoughts and commit to doing the work and by when. For example "I will write a timeline with details of my affair, I will not minimise or omit information and I will attempt to describe my thoughts and feelings at the time. I will write about my justifications and then commit to working on why I allowed this to happen - This will be done by 1st August" This could be discussed as a commitment, is it realistic, is it still showing signs of wayward thinking, what experience have others had doing something similar etc etc etc. The idea being WSs are often very misguided in their own head when trying to do R. Reaching out to you guys and people telling them that what their doing is x y or Z then it maybe that the WS is more receptive to being told by someone on here that they're doing it wrong rather than BS. I know I am.

Is this acceptable to the Mods doing this and also, would others be interested?

Hopefully the above makes sense

This is a great post Bulcy and I like your idea of having an "accountability group" (or whatever you'd like to call it), I hope that is something SI can work out.

The single most important factor in accountability is you, of course. It's important to have others to be accountable TO, but no one but you can ever really gauge if that's the case or not. Only you know if you are being honest, or holding back, or thinking something isn't important enough to mention, etc. That being said however, "practice makes perfect" is a thing, and practicing accountability makes it easier to do. It can also be easier to be accountable to people who "don't actually matter" (e.g. not your spouse or family) so that when the time comes to open up to the people that really need it from you, you can do so more easily and confidently.

FWIW, it can easier for some couples to "start small" when trying to work on honesty. Rather than jumping head and feet into the infidelity, practice on smaller, safer things first. Having a conversation that starts out with, "I feel frustrated when I get in the car and realize there is no gas left. It would mean a lot to me if you'd fill the gas tank if you drove last" or "I don't feel appreciated when I do a sink full of dishes and then find it filled up again an hour later" can be a much easier and safer conversation than talking about personal accountability in an affair. Just a thought... again, practice make perfect.

@Bulcy - This is an excellent idea. Having an accountability partner is something that I have recently started to understand and put into practice. I was lucky enough to join a support group that made this one of the important parts of working through the tough times.

Sometimes we get lost in going through these things and feel so alone. It's good to have someone you can reach out to in those dark times where you have the temptations to make wrong choices again and they understand that you need to lean on them. I wish that I had that before my own catastrophic on-going A.

I really like this idea too. I'm willing to be a part of this as well. The timing is perfect too. My IC had to cancel my appointment yesterday for a medical reason, and I was pretty out of sorts. Being able to parse out some of my thoughts here might be a good alternative.

Great to have some responses. I'm reading this late at night in the UK. I will digest what has been said and let's see what we can do

I liked the idea of an accountability group so much I made a SI account so I can take part in it. I’m currently 8 months into R and things are not going good, I think something like this could help hold my feet to the fire and be better for my BS.

Welcome to Si MrRockMonster

Apologies for not coming back. It has been a busy few days.

I've had a few thoughts on how to work this. Maybe I'll start.

Tomorrow I will speak with my BS and will own everything I have done in the past that she is not aware of or I've minimised. From this we will work together to help understand the hows and whys. I also commit to trying to maintain compassionate communication and empathetic responses to any questions asked

I would appreciate other thoughts on how to run/work this thread/group. There seems to be some interest and to be honest, it was an idea that came to me off the back of a discussion with BS where It was pointed out I had not used the possible options for accountability as well as I could, hey barely at all.

I thought that some form of forum where I and others get to say what they're planning or are going to do might help. That was kind of the extent of the idea. Open to suggestions and input

A place where people can post what they are planning to do is a great idea. Not only does it get their thoughts out, but it can also help with getting useful advice or feedback.

My only thought is that as a group, we check up on each other to make sure we are doing what we say we’re going to do. After something is posted and a timeframe for when it’s going to be done is set, we just check up on each other to see if it’s done or to motivate if it’s not. I’m sure that’s what you had in mind when you posted the idea though, just saying that’s what made me want to get involved in this thread.

If SI doesn't work, we can setup a Slack or Discord?

If SI doesn't work, we can setup a Slack or Discord?

I’m assuming these are group chat facilities? I have concerns over these, we are waywards. A lot of my infidelity occurred online. Chat rooms are a danger and a huge trigger. It would need to be ultra safe before I could even entertain the idea. Any site with the ability to delete messages or send private messages would be a risk, we would have to agree that BS have full visibility of chats, an agreement that any discussion promoting wayward thoughts be shut down. Given our past behaviour and the fact most of us are still waywards I have concerns outside of SI

This platform is open, while I have kept this closed to BS intentionally, anyone can read. Also WS not involved in the "Discourd" can call out any bullshit the see.

This would need to be managed well.

After something is posted and a timeframe for when it’s going to be done is set, we just check up on each other to see if it’s done or to motivate if it’s not. I’m sure that’s what you had in mind when you posted the idea though

Yes, it was. Having people checking in will be useful. Of course, the real accountability comes from within and is something we owe to our BS and ourselves. We’re not there, so support is needed.

I agree with Bulcy's concern about chat rooms/apps. They are a big no-go for me and you can see in my signature that I won't accept PMs here either.

Now, for my accountability: I am going to make a concerted effort starting this evening to restart the daily check-ins my BW and I were doing regularly but got away from. Summer is no excuse and I've been very lazy about it. Checking in has been incredibly helpful in the past and I will take the lead and get it going again.

Checking in. We were not able to make time for each other last night. It is definitely on today's agenda. My BW is looking forward to restarting it as much as I am.

SkipThumelue

Thanks for checking in. How are things today?

Things did not go quite to plane for me either. I am working with BS to understand where we are after out talk on Sunday. I will give a full update when things are clearer and I have recovered emotionally from a very stressful few days.

Bulcy,

Things have been busy here. Living a life, like everyone else. My BW is in full back-to-school mode (she's an admin and kids are back for "soft opening" on 8/14) while my work has really ramped up the stress. Finding time to connect has continued to be a challenge.

I think a date night is in the offing this weekend. I'll post again after we can actually sit down and breathe together for a bit.

Apologies for not checking in before now.

Things have been difficult recently, but BS and I have agreed a new way of moving forwards together. I have dedicated time slots where I work on myself and try to unwind the previous lies. We will then spend time on a Sunday discussing what I have done during the week. I will however be more open with feelings and discuss any thoughts or feelings I have when they are happening. Not necessarily a what and why conversation, but it could be a simple "I'm feeling anxious". BS and I will then try and understand the trigger. What is the underlying feeling that caused this.

We agreed this just over a week ago. The first week did not go well, BS was sick on the Monday and Tuesday with a migraine. This was something she used to suffer from in the past, at a time I was very active in my infidelity. It was a huge trigger for me. BS seemed distant (because of the migraine) and this also triggered me. However I gave myself the excuse that I should not talk to her as she was ill and did not need to hear my upset. Of course this was wrong. I needed to at least tell her and then maybe agree a better time to discuss. As a result of this, I was the one who was distant and withdrawing. Additionally, we met up with a couple of friends on the Saturday. One of them has a son who is about 15. He has a girlfriend, but while on holiday met another girl. You can probably guess where the conversation went...THEN it moved onto stories of the guys when they were on stag nights...A MASSIVE TRIGGER for both of us. We both recognised the triggering and dealt with it as we had agreed we would. When we got home we discussed the conversations and agreed we will be more careful with these friends to ensure they are "safe". One positive that came from the conversation is that one of the friends had his son with them (about 13/14) and he was questioning the moral compass of the 15 year old and was shocked that he would cheat and indeed said so.

Sunday we spoke for several hours. We covered a lot of difficult subjects including my family and my withdrawl during the week. We did not discuss what we had planned. I needed to get a few things off my chest but did not bring this to the table at the beginning of the conversation. Again, I should have.

So, I am still working on me and will be having that conversation on Sunday that we have agreed to. Also, I will ensure I am more in the moment with my feelings and discussing them

SkipThumelue

How are things with you? Have you managed the daily check ins?

MrRockMonster/Joel1025

Hi guys, have you had any thoughts about posting further on this thread?

That of course applies to anyone who is keen to have support in their accountability.

Bulcy,

How are things with you? Have you managed the daily check ins?

Thank you for asking. While not daily, we have been checking in regularly. My mom has been in the hospital for 3 weeks and she is finally being moved to a physical rehab facility today. She should only be in there a week or two then will come back home to us. To say things have been difficult is an understatement, but our situation is no better or worse than anyone else's. My BW has been the Rock of Gibraltar through this, handling most phone calls with the hospital and other odds and ends. I tell her all the time what an amazing wife and daughter-in-law she is and how much I truly appreciate her.

We have another date night tomorrow night, meeting up with several other couples from school for a nice evening of dinner and conversation. In my active A years, I would've avoided this like the plague due to my raging ego and raging insecurities. Things are much different now, especially since I can clearly see how important events like this are to my BW.

Thanks again for asking. Reading your update, just remember to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up too much (I'm probably speaking more to myself here ) . You're very sincere in wanting to make time to check in with your BW. There are times where it doesn't work out how we planned and it gives us another chance to work on letting go of the outcome. All good as long as we are still moving forward.