SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Mods alerted.

I hope that you can take the advice given and come back again with an update.

Bumped.

Finally changed job (transferred)
Started NC
No last date, last dinner, last hurah....at all. Just a goodbye letter.

Basically, she wants me exclusively. But never in my mind, I would think about leaving my wife. Somebody said she's a unicorn AP, she might be.... I don't think she'll go nuclear on me. She definitely wants to remain friend but I can't. I just can't.

I might confess to my wife later when the time is right. But for now I want to focus on the present, to put all the shit behind me for good.

How can you ease the pain? How to stop the need/want to reach out? I know that time will help but it's been just a few days.
What kind of boundaries you can suggest me so that it will never ever happen again in the future?

Glad you came back.

Well done on ending the A. Truly, it is a true first step into the light.

You are going to get all kinds of voices here to take the next step and tell your wife. Because you should. But I hope you can also get some good advice on how to hold up in your resolve as you go thru withdrawl from the affair. That is a worthwhile goal in itself. I can’t say that is my specialty area.

We’re a tough crowd, we know, but it’s a tough love. Keep posting.

Old timer here. As a BS who did recover and healed and my spouse the WS who did the work and became so honest it sometimes hurts but is also very refreshing.

That said I am guessing you ended the A very recently. That said you need to read up on limerance. Understand what you are feeling so that the lack of dopamine hits doesn't draw you into repeating shitty choice going forward.

I would.suggest you reach out to your employers EAP which I bet they have given its a large enough organization to allow to transfer. If you are in the US there are requirements for employers to have support to keep their employees healthy and well balanced. So they generally have a 6 visit benefit with a counselor to help you navigate trauma. And yes you are the cheater but you are always a broken person. Otherwise you would not have cheated or maintained a relationship with your AP over a long period of time.

Now do these things and go back to the beginning of thos thread and follow the advice of writing a timeline. And start taking the steps to prepare to tell your wife. Because again she will find out.
I guarantee there is absolutely no way you have had an affair for more than a year and your wife not sense things are not right. She knows something is not right. She probably is blaming herself for this off feeling in your M. That she is too heavy/thin. Too soft/hard. Not a good enough mom/wife/friend/sibling. This is the shit as a BS that we ponder every day knowing our spouses have changed and doing all we can to try to bring the normalcy back.

It is time to man up. Time to be honest with your wife and bear the consequences of your actions for more than a year. If you are lucky she may give you another chance.

I'm sure it's limerence. I will confess when the time is right. For now, I just need to know how to get this over with. What if she'll reach out?

Oh yeah, my wife sensed it a few times. How? mostly because I love (sorry for that word) her more, pay more attn....

I will confess when the time is right.

What do you think that will look like?

How can you ease the pain? How to stop the need/want to reach out? I know that time will help but it's been just a few days.
What kind of boundaries you can suggest me so that it will never ever happen again in the future?

OBM, These are the questions that will lead you out of this mess. But, you need to dig. I went to IC and it was the best move I could have made. Realize, you are withdrawing from the affair just as if your addiction was heroin, because it was and is. The cure is to get to the why's. It's usually due to the need for external validation. I needed it badly at one time. I went through a solid year in Individual Counseling (IC) to get to the bottom of my need. It was because I always felt inferior all through and especially high school. I was actually popular, but I wasn't athletic due to asthma. I spent the rest of my life trying to get away from that feeling that I was inferior and a failure. I went out looking for sex, but I never realized it wasn't about sex. I couldn't stop and we weren't really having sex. I was addicted to the external validation: attention on my terms, my time, anytime I wanted. It was an ego high and very addictive. Add in a couple of FOO issues and I was a mess even though I didn't look that way.

The way I got away from that was to go through a lot of therapy to realize that I was a performance addict at work, addicted to external validation all the time because I was afraid of feeling like the failure I was as a kid (actually wasn't). Once I put to rest that part, I realized it I was able to enjoy tasks rather doing them so I wouldn't be that failure. When I understood that I was free and haven't looked back. It was a weight taken off of me that was there for 50+ years. That was 15 years ago. There were more things as well, but you get the idea.

Personally, I agree with your decision not to confess at this time. You don't have any answers that are critical, like why? This site is loaded with threads discussing how the marriage was destroyed, but may have survived the discovery of the affair if not for the behavior afterwards. You need first to get yourself to counseling, look for one that specializes in infidelity. Second, get to the bottom of what you were thinking that you used to justify having an affair. Understand all of it, so you can be a safe partner and so you can feel peace. When you confess, realize the affair is your fault 100%. Nothing she did can justify it. Maybe justify a divorce, but not an affair. It's the lowest thing we could have done. Whatever she asks, tell her 100% the truth. Even if you think it will cause a divorce. Your chance is better that way than if she finds you lied to her as well. Next, while you are doing all of this, write a timeline of the affair. Do this while your memory is fresh, include as much detail as possible. Your confession will be a knife to her back, don't continue by gaslighting, minimizing details, lying, ommissions, etc. TushNurse gave you a great suggestion to call your emloyer's EAP program (if you/they have one). I would start that process immediately.

Good luck,
NWA

Congratulations on ending your A.

Have you read and put into practice what Maia suggests in https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/137622/maias-withdrawal-survival-guide-repost-for-newbies/ ? It's the 2nd post in the WS forum.

My reco is to complete the timeline ASAP and confess when it's ready. I recommend confessing ASAP, too, because you can't predict what your ap will do. She might get in touch with your W in the hope that she'll kick you out.

Also, being honest with your BS is crucial to staying together.

No guarantees about the outcomes of confessing, but ... I doubt there ever will be a good time to tell your BS.

*****

ETA: My W could have revealed her A in a therapy session hoping that her IC would keep it confidential.

Her IC told me she would have kept it confidential, but she would have required my W to confess to me or find a new therapist. And she would have done her best to verify that W actually did confess.

Confession usually IS good for the soul.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:50 PM, Tuesday, January 30th]

Realize, you are withdrawing from the affair just as if your addiction was heroin, because it was and is. The cure is to get to the why's

So true. I would get into therapy immediately.

In fact that is exactly what I did. The affair ended and I went to therapy. I told my husband that I needed to get my head right and was depressed which both things were true.

Over a short period of time I had the answers I needed to broach it with my husband. I contemplated not telling him as well, but soon found that I could not restore my integrity and become the person I wanted to be without coming clean. I came up with the answers and did a lot of what was already suggested here.

You need to leave your job. First, it is going to be hard not to relapse when you are having a hard time. The slippery slope sitting right in front of you is like an alcoholic going to the bar five days a week for a Diet Coke. Second it is a big step forward in showing your wife how much you want the marriage.

You will rapidly increase your chances of recovery and healing of you go to therapy. I am not sure where I would be without it.

OBM,

I've found this thread to be very difficult to read and indeed to reply on. Why? I want to scream at the screen. LEAVE YOUR JOB.....TELL YOUR WIFE.....LEAVE THE AFFAIR..... GOT TO IC etc etc. The things people have, quite rightly been telling you to do. The reason I did not post anything before now is in doing so, I would be the worlds biggest hypocrite.

In the years since 2017, I have lied, omitted, minimised, resisted doing the work and every other wayward thing that people on here told me not to do. I resisted the truth, I lied in my time line, I engaged with IC and MC and filled them with a whole bunch of shit. I became angry and abusive at attempts by BS to help me. I physically and emotionally left the marriage on multiple occasions (It can of course be agued that I never was in it emotionally). Telling you to be honest, when I was actively telling lies would have been wrong. Guess what though, I was not resisting posting to you because of my own moral dilemma, I was doing so because BS reds this and would have called me out. I was being selfish and avoidant.

Now, here we are in 2024. I am still working through mt time line with BS. We're still in a huge hole that I've dug us both into and I am struggling every day with the fallout and emotional wounds to BS and myself from my actions. Keeping secrets about infidelity from your BS is extremely toxic behaviour. It is so damaging, the longer it is left, in my experience, means more hurt and turmoil when the truth is out. Also, now you've ended the affair you have a lot of your own emotions to deal with. Your BS will see this and will wonder what she is doing wrong for you to be upset. THEN when you come clean, she is likely to have multiple flashbacks to times she asked you if you were alright. My BS remembers changes in my behaviour through the whole marriage, every time this happens she is both triggered and has huge doubts about what was happening at the time.

Only yesterday we were speaking about me not leaving my job for six months post d-day in 2017 (I date the d-days as there are so many it is difficult for BS and I to understand which one were talking about). EVERY DAY for those six months she would cry when I left for work. EVERY FUCKING DAY. I saw this, did it motivate me into leaving? No, of course not. I worked with AP and chose to stay in the job and in the affair. No matter your working situation, I would not be surprise if BS assumes the worst in your reasoning for staying. Also be careful with the transfer, how far removed are you from former AP? Is there still a possibility of contact, could you still meet up? Question that if your BS is like all the BSs on here, will go through her mind. This hit me like a train yesterday, I'm still aching because I finally realised how awful I was. All I can see is BS crying and me not giving a fuck because I was being extremely selfish.

I might confess to my wife later when the time is right.

I don't like the word might. The time is right. Right now is the right time as people have told you (and me) on multiple occasions. OK, have a plan, winging it does not work, but do not spend months on this plan. You'll never get yourself ready, that, in my opinion, is impossible. For me, when I did this, it was avoidance. Something BS said to me on multiple occasions when I was TTing. The affair is still live if you're not being honest. Keeping the affair secret is keeping the affair alive. I, thought this was bullshit, but it is true. In coming clean and discussing the affairs, a weigh was lifted off the marriage. Bit by bit were working through everything. Honesty does get easier, I realise how cress that sounds, but for a serial wayward like me, lies were a daily occurance in every aspect of my life.

How can you ease the pain?

To be honest, I have only recently started feeling the pain, for real at least. I avoided the pain rather than embracing it. Reading posts from waywards on here, the pain never goes away. The thought of this scared the living shit out of me. I gave this some thought recently, one of those moments where my head was not up my ass. The pain of living with my actions NEEDS to still be there. The day I'm not remembering the devastation I've caused is the day I need to worry about wayward behaviour. Owning your shit, does help. It really does.

How to stop the need/want to reach out?

Time, distance, getting out of the affair, breaking all possible contact (new e-mail, new phone, new job, lose all social media, hey move if needed) There are loads of ways you can help you stop reaching out. Believe me, when BS finds out, having these in place will help your recovery. If you can avoid her asking you to do this it will help build back some element of trust. You need to refocus on you wife. refocus on your marriage. It does get easier. Working on your wayward behaviour is important to help you understand what the hell you were thinking. This also helps.

What kind of boundaries you can suggest me so that it will never ever happen again in the future?

There are multiple threads on boundaries. You've been told most, if not all of them on this thread alone. MNIMUM requirements (again this comes from a WS who DID NOT DO THIS FOR OVER SIX YEARS after my last affair.

- End the affair
- Tell your wife
- Get into counselling
- work on your whys and hows
- close ALL routes for former AP to contact you
- Open up your phone and e-mail to BS
- Go NC
- Be honest with yourself and be aware of self justifications
- Look into all other wayward behaviour
- restrict meetings at work where it is just you and another woman.
- Be open and honest about where you are and who you're with should you not be with BS
- allow a phone tracker to be put on your phone
- agree a 24 hour rule with BS. If you lie or minimise in a conversation or you realise you have broken a boundary, you have 24 hours to come clean.
- Was porn or solo masturbation an issue? if so, agree to end this. Allow BS to track internet usage and do not ever use anything to hide internet searches.
- No secrets. We have this rule, birthdays and Christmas are an exception. However, even with this, if BS asks me to tell her why I was on a hotel website I have to say its a birthday surprise, I can tell you exactly where if you want. Hey, even if she asks mw "what did you buy me for my birthday?" I have to tell her. (she has never done this in the few years we have had that boundary in place.
- Keep posting on here and do so with integrity. I used to use this site to get easy answers for questions posed by BS and to make me feel better about myself. I'm not suggesting you're ddoing this, but ensure everything you do is to help you and BS get through this.
- Get into IC and do so with integrity (see above)

You need to leave your job. First, it is going to be hard not to relapse when you are having a hard time. The slippery slope sitting right in front of you is like an alcoholic going to the bar five days a week for a Diet Coke. Second it is a big step forward in showing your wife how much you want the marriage.

You will rapidly increase your chances of recovery and healing of you go to therapy. I am not sure where I would be without it.

This is sound advice.

I need to sign off now, its getting late here in the UK and I have things to do.

I will respond to any response you make.

Thank you friends, I really appreciated.

I promise I'll confess, I just need some more time. I'm still in shock with the new job, new place, new everything...plus recently ended it and the NC just started a few days...

I completely agree. If I keep it a secret, it's still a live affair

[This message edited by Onebrokenman at 9:54 PM, Tuesday, January 30th]

My WH also thought that his AP would not ever be able to hurt him, after all she was willing to participate in so much deceit and constantly told him she just wanted him to be happy, why would she do that when the affair ended?

Well, about 2 months after the end of the affair (end of the affair in WH’s mind, in my view he was very much still in the affair even if he stated to her he can only offer friendship), when the AP realised that he did actually mean it when he said he wasn’t leaving me and they could only be friends, she went all bunny boiler, started calling me and decided to go full nuclear on him.

So no matter the fantasy you hold about your AP and the pedestal you put her on thinking she’d never harm you, I implore you to confess before she gets to your wife first. For once drop the selfishness and think of your wife before thinking of yourself.

Most single APs go bunny boiler when affairs are over. The single APs have invested in the affair, they want the full on relationship. As did your AP. There are plenty of stories on this forum but in my quest to understand AP’s desire to hurt me post dday, I’ve joined a series of OWs forums and trust me when I say this: my main observation was that once being dumped, most of them get a sudden case of guilty conscience (read "need for revenge") and want to tell the wife everything.

Most WS (and BSes too but we’re on the wayward forum) don’t listen to the advice they receive thinking they know their situation best… I encourage you to read as many stories as you can on this forum, soon you’ll understand how cliche your situation is.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 3:03 PM, Wednesday, January 31st]

I promise I'll confess, I just need some more time.

What will be different when you have more time? I'm asking this honestly. If you get free of your desire for the AP, and you recommit to your marriage, why would that make you more ready to blow it up than you are now?

You have taken some important and good steps forward. Ending the affair and going NC are both excellent choices that you have made. There is no telling what your AP is going to do now. By ending the affair you actually have given her more reason to reach out to your wife to see if she can get your wife to kick you to the curb…so you are running the risk your wife will find out from her and there is no telling what kind of shit she will tell your wife.

Your best bet is to work on a timeline of facts and dates about the affair, confess to your wife and provide her with the timeline so she has the facts about what happened. She will be upset and have a lot of questions. It could be the end of your marriage. But, as we’ve been saying for months, those are the consequences of an affair. Statistically speaking, confessing your affair to your wife is far more likely to lead to a possible chance at R as opposed to your AP outing your affair to your wife. At this point in time, you should also be preserving all records of the affair so that your wife can review them. Emails, text messages, etc, she is going to want details and deleting them actually will make it far worse.