SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

HOW did you over come the hurt of being betrayed?

I posted recently re my WH's trickle truthing. He's currently having hypnotherapy, which is helping him regress back into his childhood, to figure out when his issues with telling the truth began. He had a moment last week in a session where a memory came back to him from his childhood that he'd not even realised was there; he owned up to his dad to breaking a game controller, his dad lost is shit and called him all sorts, made him feel literally insignificant and stupid. He started crying in his session. The hypnotherapist believes he has a deep seated fear of telling the truth, fearing abandonment.

I'm not sure what I think about any of the above. But things in our household have settled massively. Things are calm.

I'm doing a lot of reflection, and I'm stuck. Aside from the lying, he is giving me everything I'm asking for and what is recommended a WS should do. He's never once tried to blame me, he talks about the A when I need to (which is pretty much all the time), he checks on me throughout the day and brings A related things up. He has zero feelings for the AP, apart from contempt. Changed jobs, STD testing, he regularly shares thoughts of guilt and shame. There's nothing he won't do.

In addition to this, we still get along so well. We can talk for hours, we laugh together, we enjoy all of the same things, we've joined a gym and starting running again together. We have great family days out with the kids. We are still very affectionate. We share the same goals for the future.

But I still feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. Despite all of the above, when I stop and think, I don't believe I can ever get over everything he's done. I think even without the TT, I don't think I'd be able to. Then I think of leaving, and I feel a little weight off my shoulders in someway. I make my peace with my decision to leave - but then, I suddenly find myself already planning our next night out/Christmas gettaway/camping.

I feel like there's something wrong with me 😔

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I'm 19 years out and often dream of a little cottage in the woods where I don't have to think about or deal with anyone but myself, or a commune made up of all of my girlfriends with no men in sight. lol In the grand scheme of things, you're still very early in this process, and you know what they say: It takes years to heal from infidelity. Please give yourself ample grace.

Honestly, you will probably never 100% get over his betrayal. It will come to mind and it will still hurt, but the hurt won't be as ever present or deeply painful as it is now.

My H is in IC for childhood abuse, too, and I'm seeing so many good changes. I wish we had done IC in the beginning. Please encourage your H to keep up the good work. And even if he does good work and becomes a good partner, that doesn't mean that you have to stick with him. You can change your mind at any time.

There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s thousands of books, online forums, support groups, an endless number of therapists all dedicated to the pain of infidelity.

Give yourself grace, staying and R is so incredibly difficult. It’s like trying to pet a dog after having been mauled by it. Even if the dog is muzzled and sedated it can be terrifying to even think about touching it after having been hurt so bad. R after betrayal is the same thing. You loved the person, and they hurt you In probably one of the emotionally damaging ways.

Dante put betrayal as the lowest level of hell. It’s a universal truth about people, loyalty is paramount to our wellbeing.

I’ve asked you before about what you want, the truth of what you have or the ghost of what you thought? I am not pushing you any direction, I feel it’s an important question to ask yourself in order to actually R. In my opinion, D is emotionally more stable in the long run because it allows the BS to escape from the person who caused the pain. It’s incredibly difficult at first but in the long run BS is free. R is harder because we are fighting our own mind. Going back to dog metaphor, after being mauled the answer isn’t normally to keep the dog around as they proven they aren’t safe. Now, of course a dog and a person are very different, but our brain’s response to the trauma is the same.

Finding yourself, your self worth, being happy with who you are regardless of your WH is one of the keys to healing. Having fun with friends, doing things that you love, realizing this awful thing happened but you are still here and are awesome and can make something better of yourself for YOU. It takes time, but for me this is what helped me heal. Made peace that my WW may do this again, as I can’t control her, so I have to accept it’s the risk. I don’t need her to do it again to D, just that if she does that is the only outcome no matter what.

Maybe make your exit plan, go through all the motions, know what you want, what you will do and when, get a lawyer on standby. That gives you an enormous freedom and takes the veil off D. Not saying follow through, but get rid of the mystery. Gives you control of your own life.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are having a totally normal response to an incredibly painful betrayal. I also feel like I'll never be the same. Aside from having the affair at all, FWH has turned into the poster boy for recovery....while occasionally not getting that right. But, no new A stuff. IC, MC (though we don't go anymore), read the books, makes me meals, plans trips, and dates, and generally became a guy that I'm much happier being married to than he was pre-A.

I'd say aside from triggers, we're 85-90% recovered/reconciled. But, when I'm triggered.....I want to get in a car and run away from my life. It feels like that would be so much easier than reliving the pain of being the BS.

I will never, ever again have blind trust in anyone. No one. I miss that. I used to believe that people were generally good, wanted to do good. The A made me realize that this is a fallacy. I will always miss that.

It’s like trying to pet a dog after having been mauled by it.

This is an excellent analogy. Dogs are known for being loyal. Spouses are supposed to be loyal.

I had an incredibly realistic dream about a week after DDay that my sweet, docile, beloved Aussie had my hand in his mouth and his bite was becoming harder and harder. I actually felt his teeth. It woke me up with a gasp and a start. It was obviously about my H's unexpected betrayal.

HINHF, your post was packed with excellent advice.

SacredSoul33 - I have similar dreams! I sometimes dream of moving near the beach, just me, my girl's and the dogs. Where I can make a nice circle of friends who don't know of the humiliation and shame I feel from being betrayed.

How often do you dream of escaping? What makes it worth staying, if you don't mind me asking?

He really is trying, and I see so many improvements in him. If I could over come the pain I feel, I think we have the potential to be very happy. Happier then before, actually, in many ways.

HINHF - "Dante put betrayal as the lowest level of hell. It’s a universal truth about people, loyalty is paramount to our wellbeing". This is extremely accurate.

"I’ve asked you before about what you want, the truth of what you have or the ghost of what you thought?". I know, and I've been thinking about this question A LOT. I think I'm still mourning what I thought we had. I thought we were bestfriends. I'm not sure what we have currently, though. As I said, we still get along so well and are still close in so many ways. New ways too, if I'm honest. I always told him I felt there was an emotional disconnect between us but I could never quite put my finger on it. I don't feel that anymore, there is far for emotional intimacy between us. I still really enjoy his company. Yet, at the same time I find his company often triggers me.

Like you say, R is harder because we are fighting our own mind. That's what I feel I'm doing, constantly.

How long did it take you to decide either way to R or D?

Ladybugmaam - I'm totally with you on the loss of blind trust. I really don't look at the world in the same way, and it makes me sad. I've lost so much faith in humanity.

How do you cope when these triggers hit, and you want to run away?

I struggle with the mathematical equation, and to know what is right for me. On one hand I want to run away because he's caused me so much visceral pain, he destroyed our marriage and I feel he should suffer the consequences of his choices. Yet on the other hand, I do see the change in him and like your self, I think I could be much happier being married to him then Pre-A. And I'd genuinely miss his company.

The constant emotional turmoil is exhausting 😪

SacredSoul33 - just seen your latest response! I don't mean I have similar dreams about being maulled by my dogs (my post was in response to your little cottage dream 😆).

I think it's very telling that you had that dream! Dogs are better then humans 😔

How do I deal with the triggers????? I try to remind myself that "there is no tiger". I’m trying to see ow as a flawed human…without hating on her. My triggers are because I run into her a lot and she was a friend.

Fwh is really good at helping here…or has learned to be. I tell him what I need and he’ll try to deliver. But it’s hard. I did emdr, that helped.

I guess part of it is remembering that I CAN just get in the car and escape if it is what is best.

WhiskeyBlue,

Honestly, it’s probably only been about a month or so out of 16 of R where I don’t have the daily D thoughts. If you asked me last month, or anytime before I would have said I don’t know if I can get over this no matter what happens. I know my story is vague, but I had 6 months of false R with my WW saying all of the right things but still having an A, so I have some extra damage with that.

I had to mourn what I lost too, and I had to accept that to fully R, a ghost of a third person would be part of my marriage going forward no matter what. Like I said, I needed time to myself, without being around her to fully make my decision. For now, I feel like I can and I’m ok with it. If I can’t, or things change I’ll take it from there. What I know is that I’m working on myself to be the best dad and version of me I can, husband too. That’s all I can do.

SacredSoul33 - just seen your latest response! I don't mean I have similar dreams about being maulled by my dogs (my post was in response to your little cottage dream ).

I think it's very telling that you had that dream! Dogs are better then humans

Ain't that the truth!

How often do you dream of escaping? What makes it worth staying, if you don't mind me asking?

I just had an IC session where we talked about how I was left to fend for myself emotionally as a child, so hibernating alone is my default coping response. Covid really triggered that response to resurface for me. The world was just too much, so into my safe little nest I went. If I ever hit the lottery, I'll have a cozy cabin deep in the woods where I can go to recharge. nO bOyS AlLoWeD!

I stay because my H is a good man who did the work and is still doing the work all these years later. He's my best friend, I enjoy his company, I love him, he loves me, and financially, I'm better off. I also stay because I appreciate my intact family, and extended family. I'm so very lucky in that regard, and have such empathy for those who got that yanked away from them. I stay because I like my life.

I thought we were bestfriends. I'm not sure what we have currently, though. As I said, we still get along so well and are still close in so many ways. New ways too, if I'm honest. I always told him I felt there was an emotional disconnect between us but I could never quite put my finger on it. I don't feel that anymore, there is far for emotional intimacy between us. I still really enjoy his company. Yet, at the same time I find his company often triggers me.

I relate so hard to this. Before DDay, we talked about how special our relationship was. How there was no way anyone else could feel the way that we do. And that mushy talk went on with him knowing that he had cheated on me twice already. (The first two As were PA only, no EA.) There was something amiss, and after we got super real and raw and authentic after DDay, the connection deepened immensely. And yeah, sometimes just looking at him and thinking about what he did still hurts. You don't treat your BFF that way. I think he compartmentalized things to cope. I hope it doesn't scare you that it still hurts sometimes. The thing that helps me believe that he won't ever betray me like that again is him saying that he won't hurt me like that again, and that he definitely won't hurt himself like that ever again.

Like you say, R is harder because we are fighting our own mind. That's what I feel I'm doing, constantly.

I feel that way too. It's why I've finally started IC. I started off wanting to put this thing to rest and relegate it to the storage locker of my brain once and for all, but I think it's probably something that we will need to talk about every once in a while for the rest of our lives.

How do I deal with the triggers????? I try to remind myself that "there is no tiger".

YES. This is good. When triggered, I used to "get on the train" as my H called it. I'd get all torqued up and feel overwhelmed with emotions. My MC gave me a little card to carry in my wallet that said NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. What that meant is that there was no danger (no tigers!) and what I was reacting to was all thoughts and emotions.

Do you journal? I'm not regularly much of a diary keeper, but I did journal when everything was so raw and new. It's a good way to barf up all the thoughts and emotions.

I had to mourn what I lost too, and I had to accept that to fully R, a ghost of a third person would be part of my marriage going forward no matter what.

The ghost will always be there. AP will always be a part of our story. I find myself competing with her in my head in little ways, like when I'm playing games on my phone. I'm just now learning to tell her to go away, that she's not welcome in my head - sometimes out loud. lol

My recommendation would be to ride it out and you'll know what you want to do when you know. There's no rush. There's no deadline.

I think you're doing great.

This is the issue:

Aside from the lying, he is giving me everything I'm asking for and what is recommended a WS should do.

To me, the lying WAS the killer. That is why you are struggling so badly - the lying is the BIGGEST problem you've got, and your brain knows this.

I posted something on the Wayward side about the asking of questions and getting trickle-truthed in response. The WS was struggling with defensiveness and feeing attacked when his BS asked him questions. and that his go-to had been to minimize or deny - in other words, to lie. I explained how it felt in the beginning - the learning of information and the asking of questions and how that time period was so complicated - so hard to deal with, and my WH's TT really really made it all so much worse that the A itself. I cut/pasted some of what I said because I think its relevant to your post and because I know a lot of BS don't go into the wayward forum because it is so triggering:

If I'm honest, sometimes, especially in the beginning, my questions to WH were an attack. Yes, admittedly sometimes I wanted my WH to have to re-live the shitty things he did to me - to tell me to my face, and to admit that when I had asked him the A that he had lied - brutally, telling me I was crazy. I wanted him to have to suffer even if it felt like such little pain in comparison to what I had to go through because it was clear he did not want to talk details. I did. I wanted that on some level.

But there was more to it - a whole lot more.

I also wanted the details because it was affirming to me that I was not crazy for being suspicious - and because it gave me a tiny bit of self esteem back. When someone you trust is in the process of lying to and betraying you, and you think they are but you can't confirm it, at least for me, it made me feel terrible about my WS and myself. I felt terrible for thinking that my WH could do such a thing. I felt terrible about me for being suspicious AND wondering IF I was enough for my WH. It was such a total undercut to my self esteem, my self worth. I felt like an asshole for not trusting him sometimes and an idiot for not trusting my gut - sometimes concurrently. Living through all of that - in my case for several years - was crazy-making. I was so depressed (I have never struggled with depression previously), and on most days I had to convince myself to get up. These things happened to ME. I was sobbing and freaking out while he was having sex in the parking lot and responding to my texts at the same time (what a multi-tasker) and that when he came home I allowed him to convince me (kind of) that he wasn't - when, in fact, he was. For whatever reason that incident has stuck in my head - it really struck me - and I wanted confirmation of what was actually happening on that day. I wanted it. Not that it would change anything, but I wanted it anyway.

I also wanted WH to understand how much it hurt me not only AT THE TIME he lied (or omitted) about what happened when I ask, because without the context I was sure he didn't get it. I wanted him to think about what he was doing and what I was doing at the same time so he could understand what happened to me. Because in my mind, if he did, he would feel so bad FOR ME that he would absolutely want to tell me everything I asked so I could know everything I wanted to know no matter what I was asking about. To many a BS (myself included) the "pain" and the shame/embarrassment/whatever of a WS seem like nothing compared to the pain a BS feels. We simply cannot grasp how/why a WH, when caught, and when claiming they want to R, does not just spill the beans until we ask them to stop, to give us what we are asking for. The defensiveness seems like, IDK, like a cover up. This is why (for me), when a WS trickle truthes us - oftentimes they trickle-truth the marriage/the relationship to death. In my mind it was simple: if my WH could grasp 1/10th of the pain the A and the lies afterwards (and in my case the false-r - that was the real killer) there would be nothing that would stop him from answering all my questions - nothing from sharing in some of the pain he caused US. To a BS the fact that the WS is wiling to "protect themselves" over the needs of the BS, after causing so much pain is PROOF the WS cannot be trusted to make a different choice in the future or trust in what they are telling us now.

I think this is what you are struggling with - the lack of honesty. I will tell you that my WH and I are reconciling our friendship (the rest remains to be seen - we date now). But we would not be doing so if he were unable to be honest. The fact is, there is little he could now tell me about his A that would change the end result of where we are today - withholding and minimizing would be totally pointless as I don't care about any of that anymore. Whether they fucked 100 times in our bed (as opposed to the 20 or so times he's admitted to) changes nothing about going forward - unless that 20 times is a lie. I could have moved through just about anything, had he been honest about it. The fact that he was not - the fact that he chose himself over me at my worst times of need - that was the killer.

But maybe you are just done.

But I still feel like there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. Despite all of the above, when I stop and think, I don't believe I can ever get over everything he's done. I think even without the TT, I don't think I'd be able to.

You have the lack of trust, and you don't think you can move beyond this anyway, even if you could find the trust. So my advice is to separate and give yourself some space to get some clarity about how you feel and what you want going forward. He can (and should) continue doing the work because he needs to better himself for HIM - if all this is for YOU to save the marriage, it's not a solid foundation from which to proceed anyway.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:55 PM, Saturday, August 19th]

I spent a lot of time in and out of therapy hearing the messages that conveyed attacks on my self, most of which were around deserving to be betrayed, telling myself I wasn't manly enough, telling myself I wasn'y worth reconciling with, etc.

Once I got that I felt awful because of attack-self messages and how those attack-self messgaes worked, I could put them aside and just feel the feelings - anger, grief, fear, shame - and let them go.