SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Everyone -

Have been reading the forums for a while now, and finally decided it may be helpful for me to share my story. So here it goes.

Some background. We’ve been together since 2009, had our ups and downs, but have mostly been really solid since 2015. We were married in 2016 and have two kids together and live a very comfortable, happy, fulfilled life.

Back in March 2023, my wife’s old friend from College was in town with his wife. She hasn't seen them in years. Long story short, my gut kicks me into action and after a series of conversations with her, I snoop her phone and find confirmation in the form of nude pictures and some pretty bad texts from 2017. Let’s call DDay May 1.

I confront her and what follows is a week of TT as I slowly uncover more evidence and force her to come clean. Turns out that this friendship (which started sometime in 2011/2012) morphed into a "sexualized relationship" in the summer of 2014 when they bumped into each other on a plane, and mutually expressed their attraction and desires for one another. I’m fairly certain nothing physical happened during this meeting (I know this from reading emails they sent shortly after).

It becomes clear that this ‘sexualized relationship’’ has been continuous from 2014-2023. They have been each other's confidants, shared sexual fantasies, and sent pictures. He lives on another continent, so it was mostly email/text/skype. She swears nothing physical happened, which is probably true given the ocean and continent between them, but who knows. They also seem to have had varying degrees of contact (sometimes months between talking).

It seems to have peaked in 2017-2019, with the bulk of nudes and sexting happening during this time. For example, evidence I found shows that she was sending nude pictures to him less than a year after we were married (including sneaking away to the bathroom at a party we were at to take a photo), talking about sexual fantasies with him while we were trying to get pregnant with our first, and sending flirty pictures/texts a couple months after the birth of our first child. She maintains that somewhere around the birth of our first child she tried to "keep things platonic," and that by the time he and his wife showed up in town in 2023, nothing had happened for years. I’ve seen evidence of these efforts in text conversations, but she seemed to always fail and revert back to inappropriateness. For example, after declining an offer for a dick pic, she follows up a few days later with a sex dream she had of him. The month before DDay he playfully joked about going down on her.

In any event, we are now attempting reconciliation. She went no contact with him almost immediately after DDay. I watched her send the email and block him on all the regular channels. She has been forthcoming with some information (e.g. volunteering old chats she found). We are both in IC and MC. But on the other hand, in the initial days after DDay she went scorched earth and deleted everything, and now claims "she can’t remember" certain details and timelines.

So i'm left with an incomplete picture of what this was (e.g. I don't really know what happened 2015-2016; or if things turned physical), which makes it very hard to start healing. How the hell do I define this in my mind? Was it a super intense affair for 9 years, or just intense for 2 years with little blips here and there? Does that even matter? Does anyone else have any similar experiences? The timeline and "online" nature of this situation is really making it hard to understand and accept the nature of her betrayal.

[This message edited by longdistanceAP at 11:34 PM, Thursday, August 24th]

I’m so sorry you found yourself here. It’s a warm and welcoming well of like-minded souls that no one ever hopes to drink from, but you’re in the desert now and this forum will help you survive.

She says she can’t recall details? She may not remember what time they met or the song she was playing while she chatted with him, but I’d lay money she can recall most everything else. It’s up to you if you wish to press her (I believe they call it ‘Pain Shopping’) or if you ultimately decide that the act of having the affair itself is damaging enough.

The decisions are yours and she should support you. She should be forthcoming if she feels remorse. If not, all she feels is regret at being caught.

Job 1 gather up all the evidence of the affair, especially any photos of the OM and save them off in a secure location.

Job 2 send the evidence to the OM wife, she needs to know. Do not warn or threaten do this without your WWs knowledge.

Job 3 wait and see if your WW changes her behavior OM will try and contact her, perhaps thru secret accounts.

Job 4 have your WW write out a timeline of the affair and.....

Job 5 have your WW take a polygraph.

Job 6 get tested for STDs

Job 7 DNA testing for the kids

This is horrible your WW has been cheating on you the whole marriage, she may have been thinking of OM every time she had sex with you, your WW has tons of confessions due to you. You have only had 1/2 of a marriage emotionally perhaps 1/10 th.

Do not believe anything she says she has been lying to you for years and years.

[This message edited by survrus at 1:14 AM, Friday, August 25th]

Survrus hits a lot of good points. I would do all of this. I would just add that you take her phone and tell her you are going to do a forensic dive into it, and give her a chance to come clean about what you might find. I would also follow up and have that done.

Can you document all of the instances where they might have been able to consummate their affair? Is she showing contrition?

[This message edited by waitedwaytoolong at 1:53 AM, Friday, August 25th]

Very sorry you find yourself here. You’ve received good advice, but make sure you take care of you. Read in the healing library. Get into IC if it is available. Your whole reality of what you believed about your relationship with your WW has been destroyed. This is a real trauma. Treat it seriously. Eat healthy. Exercise. Stay away from alcohol and drugs.

Outside of your need to know the details of your WW’s infidelity, there is a larger issue at hand. It appears your WW was very comfortable carrying on a second life for many years, with another man online, sharing things about herself that should have been reserved for you. I know you are M. But does your WW believe in monogamy? She has a ton of work to do on herself to determine how she became so broken that she could betray you in this manner. Watch her actions and not her words. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:45 AM, Friday, August 25th]

I would just add that you take her phone and tell her you are going to do a forensic dive into it, and give her a chance to come clean about what you might find. I would also follow up and have that done.

Phone, tablet, laptop. And since this went on for 9 years any old devices tucked away in a drawer somewhere.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use. I'm the ICE (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for long term affairs. Please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse).

It's betrayal, regardless of whether or not it was intense for 2 years or ten. So sorry you're here and have to deal with this.

I realize this is harsh, but I truly don’t think it’s fair for anyone to assume you’re going to stay married. You have basically shared your wife the entire time you’ve been married, but sadly without your permission. I don’t find anything about her behavior as salvageable. I hope you see a lawyer ASAP.

My WH had an online affair with an old (now former) friend for several years. Like you, I don’t know exactly when it began, because we got new phones, things have been deleted over time, emails have changed, etc.

I know what I know from old phone bills, and recovered texts, and some letters/cards he saved. It’s enough to know they didn’t get physical, but enough to know they were "in love".

They exchanged nudes, sexted, all of that.

We are working on recovery.

It’s going to take a minute.

We’re reading "Not Just Friends" and it’s helping a lot. I do recommend it.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

The hardest part is coming to terms with the amount of time. Most of that time we were legitimately happy. No dead bedroom, no significant life struggles, (fairly) open communication. In her telling (with the help of therapy), she was visiting this "fantasy" world on and off over the 9 years. Because of the distance between them, it felt "not real" to her and "safe" in the sense she was never going to leave me for him. A true case of having her cake and eating it too.

While it is of little solace to me, I can understand the framing of it all. But it still doesn't account for the emotional impact it had on our relationship. Did her communication with him hurt or help our sex life? How much did she compare us? Were my flaws magnified when compared with his strengths?

In regards to whether or not it got physical, i'm fairly certain it never did. I've seen texts from the OM that say something to the effect of "we will sadly never have sex." That plus the vast distance between them (she only visited his continent twice without me, and even then her time was limited and she was still quite far away), leads me to believe it never progressed past emotional infidelity/sexting. But fool me once...

As far as telling the OBS, i've struggled with this mightily. On the one hand I understand she has a right to know, and could be a source of information. On the other, I just don't want to open lines of communication to her life (which includes him). I'm worried it might create the motivation for OM and WW to connect again. Plus, having read my wife's conversations i'm aware that the OBS herself cheated on him (my wife was his proverbial shoulder to cry on). So it feels like I would be fixing for a lot of drama, which I absolutely do not need right now.

As far as myself, i've cut back on the alcohol a lot. Exercising plenty, meditating and trying my best to focus on the kids and my work. I'm in IC with a counselor who is great. I'm also going full Benoit Blanc on her devices with some success. But ultimately i think I may have to come to terms with the 'not knowing' aspect of this.

I'm worried it might create the motivation for OM and WW to connect again.

This possibility is even more real if you don't inform OBS.

Rugsweeping and playing it safe won't help in the reformation and rehabilitation of your WW. She has developed patterns of addiction for the past 9 years. She is too weak, delusional, and cowardly to make the necessary drastic changes to come out of that addiction. Don't let your fear cloud your judgment. Don't let your fear stop you from taking the necessary steps. Inform the OBS. If it restarts the line communication between your wife and him, then that will show how much she wants to reconcile with you. That is exactly what you need to know to reconcile. Does she really want you, or is she just pretending to wait for the next AP??

9 years is too long. She was tooooooooo deep in this shithole for toooooo long. You don't know what kind of false narrative and lies she was telling herself for all this time. Lie yourself for some time, and you will end up believing it. It's necessary to deconstruct her lies, mindset, and narrative to make rehabilitate and reform her.

She needs to develop empathy for you. Only a person with you, zero empathy, and zero respect for her partner can have an affair for 9 long years. So, don't reconcile if she doesn't show empathy. She will say that she understands your pain, she knows how you feel, etc. All of that are generic statements said for lip servicing. If she hits real and true empathy, then she will feel that excruciating pain that you have never felt before. She will feel horror of her actions. She will have the emotional breakdown that you had. She will stop being defensive during affair discussions. She will become proactive in her actions to help you heal and in addressing her issues.

How you will reconcile now will decide your happiness for the next many decades. So, don't let your fear of losing her cloud your judgment. Remember, you already lost her 9 years ago. Reconciliation is not a continuation of the old relationship but the construction of a new one. So, do you want to have a new and second marriage with a person who is still capable of hurting you?? Of course not. So, make sure she is the person you want and not the person she became before you declare 'happily reconciled'

So sorry, you found yourself in this boat.

Plus, having read my wife's conversations i'm aware that the OBS herself cheated on him (my wife was his proverbial shoulder to cry on).

Please keep in mind that cheater Lie. This statement may also be one of the ways to drag the AP closer by creating fake drama or some fake, but credible scenario. It is all the game for WS and their AP. So, I would second survrus list and inform OBS.

Your WW sent NC email to the AP. So, if you hear something in regard to your contact with OBS from your WW, that means that NC has been broken.

Strength and healing to you!

Plus, having read my wife's conversations i'm aware that the OBS herself cheated on him (my wife was his proverbial shoulder to cry on).

This is just a line from the cheaters handbook, OM claim that their Ws cheated on them making themselves into victims when in fact their Ws are more likely virtuous women.

It's a variation on the "my wife dosen't understand me" line.

I very strongly suspect that when you talk with OM she will be surprised that the OM has dirtied up her reputation like that.

Contact OMW as soon as possible and don't warn or threaten or your WW may warn him or try to protect him.

There has to be loyalty to OM still a nine year affair is no accident.