SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm looking for advice. I discovered my WS had been online cheating for 7 years and during the latter years this progressed to physical cheating with 3 individuals (that I know of). We separated when I discovered this. There were years of financial abuse on his part too. Resentment built on my part and I wasn't the most loving wife. During our separation we were together a lot due to issues with our children, one whom was in crisis. We reconciled approx 18 months after separating. I feel that now things have settled with the children and I'm over the trauma of my discoveries that I'm having second thoughts
He has never sought marriage counselling for us even though I have brought this up more than once. I feel I have to check on him or micromanage him. He has been transparent and made the effort in other ways but I'm not sure if I want to be married to him anymore. I feel like I am turning into a complete moan and I wasn't like this when were separated. I also feel like we are very different. I'm scared of the impact on my teen daughter but I'm also scared of living an unhappy life and that I'm putting off the inevitable. I'd be devastated if anything happened to him. I don't want to hurt my WS as he has been let down badly by the people in life who should have been there for him. I just feel stuck.

Your children are watching your relationship with your WH and it will influence their future relationships as it becomes a comfortable pattern for what typical looks like to them. There is much research out there that indicates that patterns of behavior are transgenerational. I think that I read somewhere that children whose parents have suffered infidelity have a 40% increased chance of infidelity affecting their own relationship.

If you are unhappy or ambivalent towards your WH, you are telegraphing that to your kids and it is having an impact. If you can't get to healthy in your M, then I think you need to get to a place where you are the best version of you.

My EXWW is not a person who has ever done the work without somebody else carrying the load, so there was no real chance for me in our M. All I would have ended up with is the pre-A version of my W mibus the redeeming qualities. For the post-A version of me, that was no longer acceptable.

Thank you for your reply. What you say is true. My teen daughter only recently said to me that she feels her dad loves me more than I love him I am so aware of the affect this may be having on her future relationships as even prior to the cheating, it was not a happy marriage. My daughter went as far to say that she feels that I should be in love with her dad and that, if I'm not, to not stay together for her as she will adjust She has been through so much as the separation came out of nowhere in her eyes then reconciling threw her off again. I fear the depth of damage this has done to her.

I think it is only natural to have second thoughts. I really questioned myself a few days ago and things are going pretty well for us. The thing is, you don’t have to stay. Why not try MC? What do you have to lose there? Definitely IC for yourself. They can help you to navigate what you really want.

I'm sorry to say that you can lose a lot in MC if your WH isn't remorseful and ready. There are plenty of bad MCs out there who will think that you deserved to be cheated on for not being a good enough wife and will treat your WS like a victim who needs to be catered to. They will expect you to put your hurt and feelings aside to appease him even though he's the one that dropped a bomb on your marriage. IC would be more beneficial for him to work out the whys and hows of cheating and begin his journey from cheater to safe.

He was extremely remorseful and willing to try marriage counselling, but that never happened. I'm now the one who doesn't even want to try. It's like I feel that I can't rely on him to be financially responsible and that we were pushed back together by the issues with our children.

I do believe that he loves me and wants to make it work, but I am now over the trauma and feel like reconciling was a mistake.

I feel guilty even saying it. I can't hide how I feel and, even after everything he has put me through, I feel he deserves to be loved for him and not have a wife who is always getting at him for being himself.

I feel I just want to be on my own now. I don't look forward to plans together and I don't want to be intimate.

I think I am scared to end it.

Lost, reconciliation is a long, hard process. 2-5 years or more on average. It takes the WS going above and beyond to transform themselves into a safe spouse. They can't do it on their own either. They need IC, books, podcasts, videos, and deep reflection. It isn't just not wanting to end the marriage. It isn't just loving you. From what you have said, you haven't even begun reconciliation because your WS hasn't begun doing the work on himself required. It's perfectly fine to say that you want to end it here. It's perfectly fine to say you want to end it after 2-5 years of successful reconciliation. Or 10 years. Or whenever. Some times the infidelity causes permanent damage and what remains just isn't worth it for the BS. There is no shame in that.

If the only thing holding you back is fear, there is a great thread in the divorce forum called "Fear vs Reality" that may show you that your fears aren't likely to come to fruition.