SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please see my past post for more history of my situation.

I found out yesterday that my husband has been engaging in deeply sexual conversations for the last five years yesterday. With multiple people online. With one of them it was somewhat emotional as well as sexual, and they had hung out in person once, but "just talked". He told me that nothing has ever happened physically in any of these interactions, but I don’t necessarily believe that. This is because he would ask to meet up, tell these people our general location, then the conversations would move to other apps like kik and snapchat and I don’t know what happened there because he deleted all of it.

I feel conflicted. He told me he didn’t do anything physically, and I want to believe him but I don’t really know. He said that asking to meet and making it sound real was part of the excitement, but that these interactions never went outside of the internet. When I spoke to him about it, he kept saying that I shouldn’t forget what I did, and that what I did was much worse. I agree with this, if it’s true. But I can’t help but feel hurt. Is this karma? I feel like I don’t have the right to feel betrayed or angry but I do feel this way.

Up until now we’ve been doing well. I have been open to all his questions, I have been constantly reassuring him, I’ve been doing my best to make him feel wanted. I thought we were on a good path, one that would come with more turbulence but that we were on the right track at least. Let me be clear, I do not think any of this absolves me and I continue to live with the guilt of what I have done. I don’t think him doing what he has done makes me any less guilty. But now I feel betrayed. I don’t know what to do. I want to be with him, I love him, and I’ve been fighting for him since my affair. Five years is a long time. We’ve been together for seven. That’s a majority of our relationship. I’m at a loss.

He had left his ipad while at work, and had confessed to me to speaking to a woman who was interested in him, post- my affair. He told me that I could read their conversation, which I did, and it was emotional amd sexual in nature. It lasted for five days, and he told me he didn’t want it to go any further and had not been responding to her for the last two days. He told me he couldn’t do that to me, and that I should feel reassured that he had this opportunity and never took it. I wasn’t happy, obviously. But ultimately I was just relieved it didn’t happen. With this specific incidence. I asked him to tell her that the conversation was completely over, and he did, and blocked her. This confession is what ultimately lead to me to check his ipad. And what I found disturbed me. Sexting, asking to meet, sharing nude pictures. It wasn’t every day for five years, but it’s been happening for five years.

He keeps saying what he did he doesn’t find serious because of what I did. He didn’t seem very remorseful, and kind of angry actually when I spoke to him about it. He gave me a dry apology when I asked for one, and a more sincere one later, only after I had gotten outraged at his apology. Today he seems more remorseful, but we began the day with him standing over me and saying "I didn’t cheat," in a confrontational manner. Every reponse to my questions of his actions is answered and ended with a "but you.."

I keep telling him I don’t think I’m absolved at all. But I’d like to see remorse from him too.

I don’t know, I’m rambling now but my head is spinning.

[This message edited by gentlemango at 8:14 AM, Sunday, September 17th]

I'm a MH, and now so are you, and so is your H. You know that old diddy "Two wrongs don't make a right." He's flat-out wrong. He's wayward. He cheated. He's not owning his shit.

Is this karma?

I don't think so. I think it's plain ol' dysfunction. Is he in IC?

I agree with SS33.

This adds to your pain and to the work you have to do. On one hand, your best bet is to do the work necessary to change from betrayer to good partner. At the same time, you're full-fledged BS, too, so you are also well-advised to process your anger, grief, fear, and shame out of your body.

I, too, see your H as unremorseful. To be a good candidate for R, IMO he needs to recognize that he cheated and that he, too, needs to change from betrayer to good partner, and that he, too, need to heal as a BS. I don't see a way to (re)creating an M that serves you both unless you both heal yourselves as BSes and as WSes.

You can do the work, whether your H does his or not.

with him standing over me and saying "I didn’t cheat,"

Spoiler alert: He has been cheating on you for 5 years.

Your feelings of betrayal are 100% valid as your BH has actually been madhattering (BH and WH) the whole thing now for it sounds like 5 years. Maybe he feels like their is a distinction that because he didn't physically cross the line with another woman that it isn't cheating, but that is absolute horseshit. Hell, at this stage, you just found out about your husband's years long pursuit of other partners, you have every right to be upset with him over this massive betrayal. Your affair has nothing to do with your WH's choice to have an affair and he seems to have his head so far up his rear that he doesn't even believe that what he is doing is an affair.

It lasted for five days, and he told me he didn’t want it to go any further and had not been responding to her for the last two days. He told me he couldn’t do that to me, and that I should feel reassured that he had this opportunity and never took it.

I know that the cheater handbook isn't real and I feel like having been around SI for almost 4 years...but I still find myself stunned a bit at the arrogance of a statement like this. It screams, "Aren't you so proud of me honey? This other woman is so hot to trot with me, but you should be happy that I didn't meet up with her!"

I mean, what the actual fuck is that? I'm sorry, as a fellow madhatter, I feel like if anything it really helps me to see things from both sides pretty clearly and objectively, but I've not seen someone quite like your now WH's attitude. Again, none of his cheating excuses your cheating, but what it does mean is that while you thought maybe you were doing the work towards R, he was clearly thinking a different direction, but he just didn't communicate that to you.

WS here, coming from a position of still working on wayward thoughts and actions. I am working on me and can see some of my faults in others. As ever, what I say comes from experience of making similar dumb choices and I appreciate that some of the things I say make me feel like and come over as a bit of a hypocrite. I say if from a do as I say, because when I don't then I cause pain and upset.

This is clearly infidelity and it seems clear that your WS in in denial. Not necessarily denial about his affair(s) but denial about the level of involvement with AP and that it is not a competition. Using an excuse like "your infidelity was worse" is avoidance. It's like saying a punch in the face is ok because a stabbing is worse. Utter bull shit. His was an affair and he needs to start doing the work. His is a very wayward attitude.

I and other waywards have been guilty of saying "just get over it" not necessarily using those exact words, but by course of action or thorough implication its what we do. Your WS seems to be doing exactly this. It is one of several red flags.

began the day with him standing over me and saying "I didn’t cheat," in a confrontational manner

This is a major trigger for me and a HUGE red flag. This is abusive behaviour. I've been that man and feel ashamed that I chose to use physical intimidation to get my BS to stop asking questions. Rather than deal with my own shit I chose to project anger at BS in the hope she backed off. Please be wary of this.

"I didn’t cheat,"

Yes you did.