SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a question do all WS have to run on empty filling BS cup and have nothing ever?

Are WS not allowed feelings?

Do WS have live on empty forever?

I'm not happy and it reflects in our sex life. BS is not happy because less of a sex life means BS thinks about the A more.

Do WS have to be miserable forever?

I try to make our sex life more active but currently can't cause of birth control and period issues. We have 6 kids and they come first and after all that I'm exhausted. I just want to sit down and veg out. I now know that I'm not allowed to do that. My cup is running on empty and BS says his is too.

Is this our life now?

In general terms, everyone always has a choice.

Situation-dependent, it’s not always quite so black and white. Single parenthood with six children would undoubtedly be extremely difficult (for each of you). Some people decide to suck it up for the children. That’s a valid choice.

Not even a solution. Would just make things worse. Not viable at all. If I'm not with BS then I know I'd give him the kids

I’m trying to figure out your story. From what I gather, you manipulated your BH to making sex clips of you, to send to your AP? Is that right? And this is well after you were having an EA?

Am I reading your story correctly?

Yes and no. It's not the whole of it. I didn't hide my conversations with the EAP at first. And nothing was ever sent to him the BH didn't know about, I know how wrong it is now and that I should've cut off contact when it went from friendship to crossing the line.

Maybe I do deserve what I'm getting now, I just want to know. Would all BS who stay with the WS expect their WS to be miserable? No matter how much they tried. I'm doing the best I know how to do.

I am not attacking. Only asking for understanding.

It’s pretty messed up right? I’m guessing, since you identify you as WW and your husband as BH that while he knew about it, it wasn’t consensual. He felt pressured to do it, or something along those lines. Many BS do some things during an A that seem to encourage or even accept the A, when it’s the complete opposite.

I am going to offer my opinion as a BH, based on what I know. It boils down to you found the time to be sexually involved with someone else, and adding him as complicit is probably messing with his head. Basically it’s "she could do this for him why not me?"

I’ve got 5 kids, I understand the work. Pre A, if we aren’t intimate, I never took it personally. Post A, even when I know it’s just been a day, my first thought is well you made time and effort for your AP, why can’t you do it for me now?

This is a situation that you created by being unfaithful. You say you aren’t happy, and I ask why? Not sarcastic, but genuinely? Our spouses enhance, but are not responsible for our happiness.

I honestly don't know if I've ever been happy, feeling joy for those around me sure. Genuinely been happy. I don't know. I've had a very messed up childhood and a pretty self made bad teen years. I had no inbetween from relationship to relationship. I never truly been alone.

I finally got my license and everyone around me seems to think it's a happy moment but I'm just meh. Seeing our kids happy makes me smile seeing BH enjoy something makes me feel good. But I am unsure what you mean by happiness. I don't really feel joy about things I do or accomplish.

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 7:04 AM, Sunday, September 17th]

Sorry life is hard for you right now. I hope some peace and stability can return to your home for everyone involved.

Just a question do all WS have to run on empty filling BS cup and have nothing ever?
Are WS not allowed feelings?
Do WS have live on empty forever?
I'm not happy and it reflects in our sex life. BS is not happy because less of a sex life means BS thinks about the A more.
Do WS have to be miserable forever?

You are still a completely and totally valuable person with agency and choice. And so is your husband. Sadly, your unfaithfulness injected a devastating emotional wound into your husband and as this forum demonstrates daily, it gets really complicated and crazy painful. It looks like you about a year out, similar timeframe as me. It’s a shit show, isn’t it? The "why for him and not for me" that HINHF mentions is completely real in my heart and mind, came out strongly last night.

But that said, are you seeing growth and healing from your BH? Is he making good faith efforts to overcome the betrayal trauma and heal? Or are you feeling like he is stuck and happy to hold this over your head? I have immense empathy for him, I know the demons and doubt he faces. But he also needs to heal from it because there is no good life to be found stuck in this shit. Life 5 years down the road (and hopefully sooner) should only have infidelity as a scar, not a daily feature like it is now. Are you both doing what it will take to make that happier future come true?

I think a lot of people who don’t really "feel" happy, also have this sort of built in unappreciation for what they actually have, and maybe feel entitled to something more or better. This is just a feeling of mine based of what I view in others actions and comments.

As a short answer, no the WS should not be expected to be miserable for the rest of time.

As a longer answer, the BS never got a choice in their devastation. We didn't choose to hurt everyday, or suffer from anxiety, depression, or mental angst. We have to because of someone we trusted. If you choose to stay and work on it, then you both need to be 100% in and the WS needs to expect some consequences.

Generally people who are unhappy with their overall life tend to always be looking at someone else's plate. They have a tendency to feel entitled to get a little happiness. Just something to think on.

You are just over a year out, and with respect, your post screams "what about meeeeee"

Your cheating was all about you and your needs, and now it has to be all about someone else.

Your spouse as this point doesn't owe you what they owed you before. Earning that back is down to you.

Trust me, this is not a punishment. Loving people is sometimes selfless. Sometimes it's about giving and not taking.

When you're able to do that without pity or entitlement your spouse will be able to give back to you.

No you're not expected to live without "forever", but the more you give, the more you will get.

I’ll second what MCC above said. Spot on I’d say.

BS here. I'm not in a position to comment on yourvsituation in regards to R, but I wanted to chime in on your inability to feel happiness. You may not becan overly emotional person, and that's normal. What about feeling content? Have you had times of contentment?

I ask because I don't really do "happy-happy,joy-joy". I seek peace and contentment. Maybe this is an area of discussion you could have with your BH?

What would fill you up?

IMO, a person as to both give and get to live a healthy life, and recovering from infidelity is more difficult the less healthy a person is. And aprt of being healthy is recognizing the feelings one has as one has them. That goes for BSes, WSes, never-WSes, never-BSes - that goes for everybody.

You're responsible for redeeming yourself - and you can do it.

Do WS have to be miserable forever?

The answer is no. But as I told my EX. You have the right to be happy. You just don’t have the right to be happy with me.

If you aren’t being fulfilled, it might be time to move on

You always have a choice. The same way you chose to have an A, you can also choose to leave.

I guess I would ask, what do you want? Do you want your marriage? Do you want your H? Do you think the former can be saved and is the latter worth fighting for? If the answer is yes to both, consider putting you shoulder to it and work. Of course this requires his participation as well.

Of course it may just be that the marriage cannot be saved and you two would be best served to go your separate ways.

I don't want or expect my fWW to fill my cup or be miserable. Your marriage may or may not have been shitty before the A. It may or may not be shitty now.

My wife does have to live with the fact she cheated, forever. That's how life is. You live with permanent consequences for many actions.

In HTHYSHFYA you should be able to understand what permanent changes there are and which are temporary.

Most of all you should use whatever tools you gain in MC to tackle your marital issues and separate them from the A, at least once the A has been dealt with.

Just a question do all WS have to run on empty filling BS cup and have nothing ever?

Absolutely not. Your job is not to fill the BS cup. If they are demanding you to do so, that is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Are WS not allowed feelings?

Disclaimer: I'm only generalizing here to make a point about feelings.

Quite the contrary, one of the most common cheater traits is avoidance, which includes avoiding feeling those feelings. Cheaters will suppress the feelings of guilt and shame that they have once the start their affair. Before their affairs, there is a tendency to stuff feelings down which leads to resentments and can manifest as cheating. If anything, you should be expressing your thoughts and feelings to your BS, as sharing that is a form of intimacy with your BS.

Do WS have live on empty forever?

Nope...Nope-ity...Nope
It sounds like you are doing a lot of, if not all of, the emotional labor within your marriage. While as WS does have to do heavy lifting and a lot of extra effort/work post affair, it is not all on you and you cannot sustain yourself on empty.

I'm not happy and it reflects in our sex life. BS is not happy because less of a sex life means BS thinks about the A more.

I try to make our sex life more active but currently can't cause of birth control and period issues. We have 6 kids and they come first and after all that I'm exhausted. I just want to sit down and veg out. I now know that I'm not allowed to do that. My cup is running on empty and BS says his is too.

I'm a BH/WH (madhatter) and the BH in me understands your BH's perspective, speaking personally, physical acts of intimacy are important to my feeling of connection to my wife, so again, I understand where he is coming from. However, you have 6 children together, meaning that he absolutely has had his share of physical intimacy with you in the past as your children didn't just get delivered by a stork. I cannot imagine taking care of 6 children together, as it sounds exhausting, but you guys may do well to look at planning time for sex. Setting aside a time during the week where you guys can spend time together and see where it leads. I am speculating now, but it seems like from the tone of your post that you do a lot of the emotional labor in your relationship and even though you are a WW, that is not fair and it may seem unfair to your BH, but he has to bring more balance to the relationship.

May I ask, with 6 kids, that is a lot of cooking, cleaning, appointments, soccer practices, dance recitals and laundry. What is your division of those sorts of labor around the house? Are you and your husband splitting those duties or are there areas where only you or him do things and why is that the case? My wife used to talk about how she was always too tired after cooking dinner, packing lunches for everyone the next day, feeding our cats, taking out the trash, helping with homework, helping with nighttime routine of our son, getting the dishes put in the dishwasher, etc. etc. My wife had a point there and I make a lot of efforts to make sure that she doesn't have to do all that stuff alone, which she never had to do, but we tag team and split the labor more than we ever have. It is never perfectly balanced, but more equitable split of household chores has improved our bedroom life. It is just a shame that it took two affairs and the possibility of a broken home for us to get there.

Do WS have to be miserable forever?

Is this our life now?

No, you do not have to be miserable forever. It is your life now because you guys are choosing to be in that spot. If this isn't working, you are always within your rights to throw in the towel. Just because you are the one who cheated does not mean that you must carry the burden of being unhappy and miserable. I think I'm a testament of a WH that is not miserable forever, quite the opposite, I'm content with where things are in my life and marriage.