SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In 3 days, I'll complete my first Ironman. Five years ago, my husband was training and racing for an Ironman with his female training partner....and thus began their brilliant idea to have an affair. Since then, I embraced the sport...which I've grown to love. I was training too, 5 years ago, but was a baby triathlete and just learning the ropes (OW was my mentor....yeah)

The last few weeks and months have been physically and emotionally demanding. Run ins with OW multiple times a week....and she's not sorry. I'm holding myself together trying to not lose my shit and make a scene....but it's been obvious that I've given her a lot of my power. In the last couple of weeks, I've taken that back.

1. I've done lots of self help reading....moderators take this down if needed, but I found a book....The Choice, by a holocaust survivor turned clinical psychologist specializing in trauma. She wrote this memoir/self help for trauma book in her 80s. Her focus on choosing your path forward whatever the journey was eye opening for me. She even divorced her husband and remarried him. 2. I may not have made a scene, but I've enlisted a lot more support. It's been nearly 5 years. I didn't keep it a secret when it Dday occurred, but I DID keep my discomfort and triggering a secret on all those training swims where OW just didn't respect her part of my pain and my desire to just politely ignore her and move on. So, virtually everyone important to me on those swims....knows now. Knows her name. Knows what I've been dealing with. And, they've come out in droves to support me. OW deserves friends and support - just not from me. Funnily enough, this is so common in the tri community that I've made a few more close friends who've been down this road and either R or D....but can empathize. I'm no longer keeping their shame a secret. It isn't mine to carry and I deserve support in those triggering times. I have to fix my own triggers, but I can enlist help. 3. Taper week crazies. Tapering is when you suddenly stop all the crazy workouts and rest in the week leading up to these races. And, if you use exercise to get through your demons.....all those demons show up on your doorstep. It's not been easy. FWH has stepped up. He's human, but I've also been able to express my needs - which I stuffed down before in favor of what he needed- in this week. He's showed up. Particularly with me on the boat last night.....and having him there, rubbing my back...reassuring me helped. Earlier in the week, tongue in cheek, I said....ya know....sometimes I feel like you're a really lucky dumbass over this. He acknowledged that he definitely had been a dumbass, that those days are long gone, that he's VERY lucky....and I feel lucky too. I still miss the fairytale. But, I like this the man I'm married so much more. He is present in ways he never was before. He leans in.

He used to say, pre - A, that we didn't need MC. He said we had a "Porsche" marriage. Lol......now we have a Ferrari. They are finicky m-fr's. They require a lot of maintenance. They are not the most comfortable to drive. But, they're a lot of fun and a big adventure (not that I've owned one....but, got to test drive one once).

So this weekend, rather than celebrating his birthday on the day, my FWH is going to be there clapping and supporting me. OW will likely be hanging too - as this was her community before it was mine. But, she's the Pinto now. This is my bookend to this experience, and I'm going to burn it down.

I said....ya know....sometimes I feel like you're a really lucky dumbass over this. He acknowledged that he definitely had been a dumbass, that those days are long gone, that he's VERY lucky....and I feel lucky too. I still miss the fairytale. But, I like this the man I'm married so much more. He is present in ways he never was before. He leans in.

I love this. This is what R is all about, isn't it? *Happy sigh*

Love the car analogy, especially the part about the Pinto.

Go get 'em!

Love the car analogy, especially the part about the Pinto.

I like that one too !!

This is the PERFECT place to put this thread...and thank you so much for sharing !! I'm so HAPPY to see that you have taken your power BACK!! You already know I envy you being able to do what you do around the adultery co-conspirator. I will live vicariously through you on that though !! Being able to stand your ground...showing YOU will not back down in doing what you WANT...that must be an AWESOME feeling!!

Having such a supportive H must feel pretty amazing too . I wouldn't give up too easily on that fairytale either young lady . ALL fairytales have some crappy stuff that happens in the story...but that is never the END of the story. MOST fairytales end with "...and they lived happily ever after". That could be YOUR ending too !!! Except...y'all won't be riding off into the sunset on some gallant steeds. Y'all will be cruising in the Ferrari !!

Just a friendly suggestion...but this post would go so nicely in the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned toward the top of the page . You haven't posted anything in there since March...and it would be lovely to see THIS post in THAT thread!! All you have to do is copy this post and paste it into that thread !!

THANK YOU for posting in the PRS thread !!! You are FAST!!! Best of luck to you on Ironman this weekend !!! Just remember...no matter what...YOU Dear Lady are are a WINNER!!

Congratulations go get em!!! Thanks for sharing.

The Pinto When I was a kid my parents bought 2 1973 Pintos brand new.

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:54 AM, Sunday, September 24th]

You rock!

You are amazing. Reading this was a wonderful start to my day.

You are definitely an IronLady! I love that you stayed with this sport, when it would have been so much easier to walk away. You faced your literal demon and will walk, run, swim, bike toward claiming your own power.
I also love that your FWH has learned to lean in when you need him and that he is putting you first this weekend.
I can’t wait to read about your experience. I hope you will share how participating in this event felt for you!

How did it go??

Thank you for sharing this. It is very inspirational. I think it lifts everyone up to see someone be so strong!

I did it! My goal was 15 hours. Came in at 14:45. Allegedly OW was there….but I was so overcome by my real friends and family showing up to support me…that I never even looked for her.

Now to eat all the foods:)

Congrats! Awesome achievement! I'm an old marathon runner and I could never imagine doing a tri!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:46 PM, Monday, September 25th]

WHOO HOO! Congratulations!!

What a WIN-WIN !!!

So this weekend, rather than celebrating his birthday on the day, my FWH is going to be there clapping and supporting me. OW will likely be hanging too - as this was her community before it was mine. But, she's the Pinto now. This is my bookend to this experience, and I'm going to burn it down.

Loved this.
Hope it went well Ladybug. Can't wait to hear the update.