SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married 23 years - Both Mid 40s

2 months ago my wife (now estranged) announced she had been having an affair for 4 months. She said she wanted to leave me (and my just secondary school age) kids. The kids saw and heard all this.

She then ran away to her evil friend and took the kids !!! Even though I am a stay at home dad. She still sees kids as I was forced into agreeing a 50/50 split. Solicitors now running things.

Turns out it is some guy from work. So I think 4 months is a lie.

8 weeks in she is trying to force this guy to meeting my kids. They have seen things from her moving out 2 days after she left, that no child should ever have seen. She asked them to pack her stuff for her. Sick !!!

She is not acting like the mother she was and now has a place ready for him to share with her. She is obsessed with this guy.

My kids have asked to see a shrink and support from school and the church I go to.

2 questions please

Is 8 weeks too soon for my kids to meet this homewrecker?

No lady I have spoken to can understand how she could do any of this and lie to her kids for 4 months pretending we were still a family. Particularly as they are now receiving professional support.

Do people with experience of Infidelity recognise this kind of behaviour or has she lost the plot?

I am still in pieces, she carries on like life is normal and does not care about anyone other than herself.

Thanks for any help

Infidelity is a selfish act that requires the ability to not think about or care who you hurt. It often involves entitlement, self absorption and compartmentalising. So yes, it's pretty common for a person in that state to behave similarly after they get caught.

My view is that the only way to shake them into behaving differently is for the consequences to negatively impact themselves.

Women in their mid-40s have lost a good bit of estrogen. Women do have testosterone and because there’s no estrogen to squelch it testosterone is now running things which is giving her a very strong sexual urge. That disappears after a few years but it’s pretty common in women her age. The problem is instead of using that to help your marriage she’s gone with another man. I don’t know if this relationship will last but she is operating from a different place than she did in her 20s and 30s. And lost her mind.
I hope you have a strong attorney to make sure you and your children survive this blow. All of you need therapy.
Unless you know you were a rotten husband then do not take on any guilt. This is on her. She is living in euphoria and that never lasts. At some point she has to calm down but it might be 2 years from now and by then both of you will have moved on.
I wish you good luck.

You cannot stop her introducing anyone to the kids but you can be their rock and their sounding board. Forget her and what she is doing and ask your kids what they need from you in all this.

She is making ridiculous selfish decisions and no doubt hoping that she can just play happy families, force the kids to like him and justify it by the fact they like him. You can't stop her
selfishness but you can be the bigger person and be the parent that put your kids first. They will thank you for it when they are older

I am so sorry for you.

Yes IMO it is too soon for your kids to be meeting another guy. Living with your kids? I would go all out to prevent that.

You don’t want a strange person living with your children. Period. Get an attorney and fight like hell to stop this. If your kids are asking for help, that is a clear sign of their trauma as well.

Also the kids should not have to move. Your wife can see the kids on a regular schedule but at night they come back to their home. Right now that is in the best interest of your kids.

Your wife is being very selfish and when this new relationship fails, I hope you are able to stand up to her and refuse to yield to her "new" plans (as in she comes back begging for forgiveness).

My heart breaks for you & your kids.

I agree with DAYDREAMBELIEVER.

Not a lot of control do you have over that side of the family. Just be observant and intervene-legally, if you notice abuses, neglect or discover anything about this dude that poses a danger to the kids.

“That side of the family”. Sounds pretty weird doesn’t it? I know. Your Wife suddenly just introduces a total stranger into your kids lives.

Be the adult in the family, be the anchor-as mentioned, don’t exacerbate the situation, reduce drama, toxicity and maintain as much stability and normalcy as possible…as possible under these absolutely whacked circumstances.

Let your WW go. She’s gone. Mourn the loss with dignity in front of your kids, then go out into the woods and break some shit in private or, hang out with us here and lament all you like. Kindred souls here will totally understand.

Get the divorce rolling while she’s in her affair fog, take advantage of her current state of mind, and get the best terms divorce you can without too much drama. Her current state of mind will probably be to dump you quick and dirty so she can get on with her hysterical honeymoon. Take advantage of this. Let her feel sorry for you-if there’s any pity in her, milk it for all its worth. Don’t antagonize her until you get that divorce inked.

Think pragmatically, not emotionally, move quickly and decisively, don’t wallow-yet, until you’ve stabilized your side of the family. Kids will be needing this and will appreciate this when they grow up. Set a good example and be an inspiration for your kids should they ever face such adversity in their lives.

Coparenting. Good luck with that. Try and make it as less of shit-show as you possibly can.

How old are your kids?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:05 AM, Saturday, September 30th]

Yes, it's too soon. Relationships born of infidelity tend to have a very short shelf life (and no, I don't have data). I've been dating a woman for 6 months and have yet to meet her daughter. We both want to get to a place where we are solid before introducing a new guy into her life. Kids need stability not a revolving door of partners. She needs to put the kids first.

It’s been said you will never truly know who your spouse is, until you get divorced.

Sorry for what you’re going through. I’m in a similar place although my ex wife has tried very hard to hide her behaviour that caused me to have a spectacular breakdown (going missing, being sectioned and receiving electro shock therapy). I came out and tried to reconcile with her but now see that this was a mistake as she only did it to try to hide what she did and she continued her affair.

I agree with all that the others have said. Get the divorce done asap and try to get the most out of it you can (eg. The house).