SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was a member of this forum more than 10 years ago. I have all new email addresses and no idea what my username even would've been, so had to register anew. I divorced my ex in 2016. I went to therapy for a few years while single and in my post-divorce relationship (never got that serious). Then in 2021, I met my BF.

I truly believed this man would never cheat on me. I trusted him completely, more than I've ever trusted anyone. He works in the maritime industry, so he lives at work half the time. I have a regular 9-5 with a 3-month busy season that sees me working 6-7 days per week and extended hours.

He likes alone time more than I do - or, I think I just get all of my alone time while he's at work; I don't need more. So... earlier this year he started talking about taking a solo trip. He's done this before, in our relationship and in previous relationships.

I felt insecure and worried because we weren't in a great place. He had a medical condition last fall through the spring that meant he couldn't work. He was the least financially secure he'd ever been. I changed jobs and we moved twice in the past year, so I had financial and work stress; I started in busy season. I had a major loss in my family in the fall and due to his medical problem, he wasn't really there for me. I was resentful and busy. I know at times I was not nice, and I know I was being difficult. I felt him withdrawing, and thought I felt...what I'd felt with my ex. I thought I felt him cheating. But I truly, genuinely believed BF would never cheat.

I tried to silence my gut feeling. I thought I just felt that way because I was really busy, in a way I hadn't been busy since my cheating ex. I thought that's why it felt the same.

He got a new job in the spring, with a different schedule than we're used to. (Going from 28-75 days on/off, to 14 days on/off.) I felt like he was far away, emotionally. I thought it was due to the schedule. I know I acted out, seeking connection in maladaptive ways, and this pushed us further apart. I regret this now and I regretted it then, and started therapy again (July 31). He went to work, then we had 14 great days in August - one argument, about his upcoming solo trip (was to be his Septe time off) and fueled by my insecurity around it and by...alcohol. I decided to stop drinking. He said he had a great time in August, and he went back to work, and our relationship felt great. I thought we were back on track.

Then: Sept. His solo trip. I felt some insecurity; I definitely felt a bit rejected, but I worked through those feelings by myself and with my therapist, and was supportive. He was very communicative during his trip: pictures, lots of texts, phone calls. I felt cared for, included, connected. I was so happy for him. I was so glad that he felt fulfilled. He had a few days to go on his solo trip. Sunday morning at about 2AM, I found out.

I could not believe what I was seeing at first. My brain made up the WEIRDEST explanations. Slowly I realized it must be true. I felt, physically, the worst I've ever felt in my life. I couldn't reach him for hours, he didn't have service. All I wanted to do was hear his voice.

He lied at first but I was firm and patient. After the first few minutes, he started doing everything right - moved his flight home to the next available, at great personal expense. Booked a bed at a hostel and stayed there. Blocked the OW on everything. Never asked me how I found out. Didn't make it about himself. Has proactively decided for himself to go to therapy. Got the books my therapist recommended. Was in constant communication with me whenever he was awake. Because of where he was, he didn't arrive home for more than a day after my discovery, which was brutal. When he arrived, he sobbed. We spent the next few days here together... but then he had to go back to work.

My experience of this is totally different from the past. I don't know what to make of it. I feel calmer and more centered and able to extend compassion to both of us. I know there's anger and hurt but everything feels like it's moving in slow motion - like I always have time to relax, evaluate, look at my intentions, then take action. Part of me is angry that I have to do that exhausting work - and it is exhausting. Idk. Now I'm rambling.

I guess I have a lot of anxiety about...how to heal this, when we have this distance half the time, and we're only together 14 days (two of which are travel days so really..12) per month. I feel daunted by that. Then again I don't know how to heal this if you're together all the time either, so I guess it doesn't matter.

[This message edited by weirdsituation at 5:45 PM, Saturday, September 30th]

I'm sorry you find yourself here again little sister, but happy that you're reaching out for support.

It's great that he's doing a lot of the things that he needs to do, but you don't have to make any major decisions now. It's perfectly okay to feel anxious and confused and daunted and insecure by going through everything again. Do make sure to monitor your health and seek professional help if needed. It sounds like you are/were working through some issues yourself (the alcohol and 'maladaptive' connecting you allude to) and that you're getting help - which is great! Remember - your feelings are always perfectly valid, but it's how you act on them that can be constructive or self-destructive. And nothing you did forced him to make the decision he did.

If your wayward partner is willing to work on your relationship and you're willing to work on it up 'til you make a decision, then communication is key. Earnest communication - open and honest with yourselves and with each other. You have to be willing to identify what you need to feel safe and loved, to express that and advocate for your needs, to set up boundaries for what you will not tolerate, and... also be willing to listen to what your wayward partner is trying to say to you. Of course, word without action is meaningless and you will both have to take concrete steps towards improving yourselves and the relationship. If there is any chance of success,he will need to put the work into understanding why he made his decisions.

If you decide that you don't want to go through this again and that you've had enough, that's perfectly okay too. But that's also no excuse to not work on yourself and your own wellbeing.

Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the time, the focus, the space, the patience that you need. You can decide what you want, when you're ready to make those decisions. This is your journey to walk, but you will not be alone as long as you bring yourself along with you.

You're gonna be okay

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:24 PM, Saturday, September 30th]

What have you learned from your D?

Apply it here.

Thank you both.

It’s very difficult being physically apart from him while processing this. On the one hand, it gives me too much time to think. I have my feelings/thoughts journal since I’ve been in therapy and yesterday I flipped through a few entries from the same day he reactivated a dating app, a week before he met up with the OW, with whom he already had plans for the following weekend. All my entries that day were happy, loving, content, easeful thoughts and feelings related to the relationship and to my own life.

I’m in a highly analytical field and my brain just works that way after lots of practice. So while I was discovering info…I came across pieces of information that don’t fit and don’t make sense. I keep going through this cycle of thanking my analytical mind for bringing this to my attention, acknowledging that it doesn’t change the outcome or the present situation and that knowing all the facts for sure, even if it were possible, would not actually give me more security or safety or change anything, so…it’s okay to let it go. But the inconsistent data points keep floating into my awareness…

I’m rambling again. I’ll bring this to my therapist tomorrow I guess.

It's okay to ramble weirdsituation - I completely understand.

I'm also in an analytical field and operate in a very similar manner of problem, gather facts, research, examine input/output relationships, evaluate plans, implement, re-evaluate.

Just know it's still okay to be human and have your emotions swinging all over the place. Real life can be messy and not everything might line up perfectly. We just have to trust that we know enough about what happened, about ourselves, about our values, to trust ourselves to make the right decision when the time comes. Another way to frame this is to ask yourself, when you look back on this 5, 10, 20 years down the road - will you be at peace with your decision. You don't have to decide anything right now, if you're not ready to. It's okay to do this at your own pace and when you're ready. Just keep working on yourself and doing what you can to improve your life and take those little steps forward.

Of course…geez. I do that ("what will I think of my actions in 5 / 10 years?") with other topics, some even within my relationship!!, but of course somehow couldn’t see that it’s applicable here, too. Well and truly blindsided I guess. That’s a fantastic reframe and I’m going to try to remember to apply it to my little detective urges!

Just kinda can’t wait for him to be home. I guess it’s probably normal…he’s my partner and his presence is soothing and being able to ask for and receive a hug warms me all the way through - so - I miss that pretty intensely right now.

Yeah, it's normal to crave human connection and emotional intimacy, even moreso in light of a traumatic event. I imagine you might be struggling with some anxiety in between that time? If so, I do recommend exercise (going for a walk) to constructively deal with the anxiety and help clear you head. That can truly do wonders for your physical and emotional health.

Thanks, SerJR :) I’m definitely vacillating between feeling more anxious and more depressed, but yes, exercising every day and spending time with friends / folks in my community about every other day, and that’s helping a lot. One hour at a time… Can’t wait for my therapy appointment in the morning!

This must be such a huge shock for you. Sending you so much sympathy. If you only found out yesterday your thoughts and feelings will be all over the place.

I dealt with infidelity when my exWS was away for work too and it's very hard. Not just because you kind of remain under threat but also because they're not physically around to talk to.

I remember writing a list of 22 questions when I first found out. I told him that detailed answers to those questions would help me decide my next move, but I remember it took a month before I agreed to attempt reconciling.

Can you allow yourself some time to both process and gather information so you can decide what you want?

Thank you @MintChocChip - it is a huge shock. As I've told friends and my therapist...with my ex, I knew from very early on that he was not a faithful person. I saw sketchy messages and noticed shady behavior almost from the jump, but he was injured in war and we got married so that I could be the point person for his medical care/recovery. I was definitely shocked by the extent to which he cheated on me, but I was, sadly, never under the illusion that he wouldn't.

But my BF? I am blindsided by this.

On the one hand, it makes sense that this was the first time. He was under tremendous stress and at a really low point, and I didn't respond well. (I was also at a low point...we were both struggling and had never really worked on communication. Of course I responded by getting into therapy and noticing that I felt more anxious/depressed the day after a drink or two...and he responded by cheating.)

On the other hand.... while I was gathering evidence... I came across an email from his ex-wife. Who he said cheated on him. This email came right after their divorce was finalized and in it she said something like, "Wow that's what you couldn't tell me, that you fathered a child?? Would've loved to know that, all this time I thought you were (homophobic slur)."

I can't seem to reconcile that piece of information. He told me from day one that she cheated on him. He says I'm the only woman he's cheated on. I don't know if it would make a difference, if I knew that he cheated on his ex too, other than....if he has that much shame and secrecy around it, I know that - the secrecy, the shame - will impede intimacy. I know that to have real intimacy, we both have to be able to communicate honestly and transparently with ourselves, to know what we feel, want, need...so that we can have a chance at communicating with each other. I guess I'm writing my own answer here...that is all on his side of the street and it's not my responsibility, and I can't make him be honest/transparent with himself. It will all show itself in how the communication/self-awareness/etc develops, or doesn't, so that's what I need to pay attention to.

This next few months will be a period where you see your BF in a new light.

What screams out from your post is what a high opinion you have of him. I can hear you already starting to blame yourself a little.

Believe me, someone I loved deeply did this to me and I know he did it at a low time when I wasn't there. I also had (still have) a high opinion of him and can't believe he did it.

But please remember people don't cheat because you weren't responding well enough. They cheat because they want to.

It takes a lot of conscious choices and they do it because they want to.

If I meet a new man and trust him and he cheats on me, I'd imagine I would be thinking on some level it was about me.

As I understand it a lot of people cheat. Something between 25% and 80% depending where you Google.

This was NOT YOU.

It is completely his responsibility.

How did your meeting with your therapist go today?

I’m so sorry this has happened. I am sure you are still feeling some shock. What I learned from being cheated on was that I didn’t have to learn to trust others again, I had to learn to trust me. I see where you said your gut knew. That’s the beautiful part of you that lives inside of you and loves and protects you.

I wonder what sacred promises you made to yourself after you were cheated on the first time?

MintChocChip, you are definitely correct. I had my BF on a pedestal before this and he is definitely off the pedestal now, but I still regard him very highly. I think that's part of what makes it so surreal...reality truly shifted underneath and around me. And it is still very surreal - probably also partially because now he's at work and we're just having the normal work phone calls and texts. I feel like I could easily be sucked into compartmentalizing right now but I will not do that because I know it would mean sweeping it under the rug and compounded, more complex, pain later.

SerJR, therapy was great, soothing and productive. We talked about my feelings, how they differed from my expectations; went over a few interactions BF and I had and he (therapist) thought I did a great job, which is very affirming...said the one thing to change (which we practiced) is to focus a bit more on clearly advocating for my needs, and spelling things out for BF because he seems to have some difficulty really hearing what I'm saying. We also addressed some regrets I had from the relationship (interacting in an anxiously-attached way, "being needy" - my words not BF's) - he said everything he's heard about BF screams avoidant, so it's normal that I would pick up on distance/detachment and that would intensify my own relational anxiety, so how I reacted was natural...not defective.

We discussed expectations and boundaries as well.

Anyway after work I went to the dentist as an act of self-care (next time I'm just going to the spa) and heard a song on the radio on the way home that made me imagine how BF and OW may have felt, meeting up, and for a moment I was livid. And I leaned in and validated my anger and outrage, and changed the song and remembered that I am smart, funny, adventurous, a great friend, accomplished, loyal, kind, and beautiful, and started singing along to the radio again. That never would have happened ten years ago or whenever it was that I was here last...and I'm really proud of that change.

[This message edited by weirdsituation at 12:43 AM, Tuesday, October 3rd]

Update - hahahaha ugh. 2 hours after that post... I handled everything poorly. Sigh. BF texted me at about 7pm that he'd call me early so he'd have more energy. Yay! I went home and got settled. At 7:45, he texted that they had a minor emergency (I know this is true) and he needed to be in the meeting to decide what to do about it. (I felt disappointed, but tried to shove that feeling down. Bad choice.) At 8:30, he texted that he was taking a shower and would call me shortly. He called me later than usual and by that time I was all ticked off. I had been thinking such lovely things as: I only get to talk to him when he's exhausted. How can we heal from this if we're only talking when he's exhausted half the time? Why does work come before me, almost no matter what? Why isn't he more concerned about losing me? He's just trying to avoid me/dealing with this. I went for a walk but somehow became angrier - and more anxious. So when he called, it was unpleasant. It took me a long time to be able to explain what I was angry about. Then he was upset. I don't think either of us felt happy, relaxed, comfortable, during the whole phone call.

I feel guilty and a bit ashamed. Just talked to my therapist about how processing my anger mostly on my own is for the best, given BF's avoidance and background. And I felt guilty after expressing the anger because...I didn't give him a chance, I didn't tell him I was frustrated and disappointed when I first felt it. I know, I'm only human and I'm doing my best. It's just frustrating, feels like I'm not making as much progress as I'd like.

Yeah... it's normal to get angry and frustrated. That's not a bad thing as you're being alerted to something you perceive as unfair or unjust. It's how you focus that energy that matters. When feeling like that remember - you can always insert a pause. A little break to collect your thoughts and reframe.

When feeling like that, it can help to take a breath to refocus your feelings with certain phrasing/structure. For example "When you work late and don't call until later, I feel scared that I don't know what's going on and that I'm not important to you. To feel comfortable, I need you to just text or something to let me know what's going on and that you're not avoiding me." This is non-confrontational, but addresses both the issue and how you feel about it head on, and gives some potential action to address them.

I only get to talk to him when he's exhausted. How can we heal from this if we're only talking when he's exhausted half the time? Why does work come before me, almost no matter what? Why isn't he more concerned about losing me? He's just trying to avoid me/dealing with this.

All great questions! If you can calmly have a conversation with your WBF and ask these, it's a great way to connect on an emotional level and talk about your relationship and what you want. I know that compartmentalisation often gets a bad rap on this site, but I believe it can be helpful when used appropriately - if you can detach a little emotionally from the situation and have a rational conversation with your WS on these issues, it can really help to resolve these questions and potentially connect on a deeper level if your WBF is truly remorseful.

ETA: Do you think your WBF is focussing hard on his work because it's something that he feels like he can control? Some people when dealing with fallout in their lives will refocus on areas they feel they can control, when they're scared of other areas in their lives.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:25 AM, Tuesday, October 3rd]

I am going to point out the obvious here: If I'm reading this right you have only been together for 2 years. Married or not makes no difference to me - but 2 years isn't long, and he's already cheating. Not a good sign.

I may have missed it but what is he doing on a dating site? I also may have missed it but how did you find out? I mean what is his stated reason for being on one and what is the likelihood that he can hide things "better" from you?

I think in your situation I would not see a way forward - his job makes it to where he could have a totally secret life and you would have very little way to find out. I know how having a spouse/partner who works somewhere you have no access to (mine works at a secure facility - as in govt secret clearance secure - I cannot enter the grounds of where he works without getting a pass which takes a least a week but usually more like a month to obtain). My WH did about 95% of his affair activities while at his work, where there was 0 chance I could see him or know what he was doing. The difference being my WH had to come home everyday - but the total protection of a workplace completely secure from me was enough for him to continue lying and cheating AND telling me he was not for a long time.

The fact is your BF cheated - and he planned to do it - downloaded an app etc. This is not a case of the unplanned cheat who hooks up with a co-worker or the neighbor (which is not any better) - but the animus - the motivation - is different. It was intentional, from the get go. Why?

So, you are waiting by the phone for someone who intentionally decided to cheat on you. I am not going to say gently because sometimes ripping the band aid off is the way to go - you are playing a bit of the pick me dance. You've been here before - you know that dance. It's exhausting and gets you no where. I would ask you what you are hoping for with this one? But more importantly - what are you hoping for, for you?

My WH's A was right around when you divorced your last cheater. During that time I have been cheated on, divorced, and attempting to reconcile a friendship with my WH (the relationship may or may not follow) - 6 years since my first d-day on 10/1/17 - and it's still a work in progress. I don't think if I were to start seeing someone else and they cheated on me after 2 years that I would be willing to invest that kind of time - the kind of time required to recover. It's just something to think about.

You do deserve better - AND better IS out there.

Gosh I can't figure out how to get quotes to work. Sorry.

SerJR - Do you think your WBF is focussing hard on his work because it's something that he feels like he can control? Some people when dealing with fallout in their lives will refocus on areas they feel they can control, when they're scared of other areas in their lives.

Oh yes. He even said it, during the initial fallout and when he was home...feels work is all he's really good at, the only area of his life he doesn't "**** up," in his words. Yep. Spot on.

ThisIsSoLonely - you're lovely, thank you for taking so much time. I've read your reply a few times now and journaled my varying reactions to it :)

If I'm reading this right you have only been together for 2 years - Two and a half, had to count myself, but yes - it's concerning to me that this began happening right around the 2 year mark. I think it was much more to do with all of the other circumstances in our life - in his life, this is all his thing - at that time than the relationship.

I also may have missed it but how did you find out? Ah this is by design, apologies. He doesn't know how I found out (didn't even ask which was/is a big deal to me; my ex was obsessed with finding out how I found out), and I don't hide my browsing history so I'm being coy. Can tell you in a message for sure if it helps. But, yes, he could easily hide ongoing communications with her or anyone else.

I may have missed it but what is he doing on a dating site? That's the question. Why re-activate Bumble on 9/16, when you are meeting up with OW on 9/22? It didn't occur to me to ask before he left for work.

It was intentional, from the get go. Why? His explanation, not excuse, is that he thought we were going to break up. And yeah, we had a rough patch. He couldn't work, I was changing jobs and in the midst of busy season, we both had financial stress, we'd moved twice within a year, he gained weight (I also gained some, lost all and then some after busy season). He's avoidant; he pulled back and was a little gray cloud. I'm anxious; I pursued. This created conflict. And for weeks the only thing we really talked about was all of his job offers: whether he'd take one that would take him away for >90 days at a time, and how he'd have to be gone for all of the holidays the first few years...all really activating for me, and I engaged in some protest behaviors, felt un-cared-for...it was all a mess. I thought we might break up too. The difference is, I went to therapy (had a bit of a long wait); he cultivated this little grenade.

IMO we both have work to do on ourselves. He has a lot of trauma (abandoned by his mother as a very young child, then abandoned by his father, had to live with the abandoning mother in a different country where he didn't speak the language, where she had started a new family...then the traumatic death of a very young man, with whom he was friends, at work 3 years ago, while he was the medical officer on board) - none of that is an excuse, I have trauma too. But if we don't deal with it, our pasts will continue to haunt us both, and if we're in a relationship, that haunting extends to the other person.

But more importantly - what are you hoping for, for you? In the big picture, I want a healthy, balanced relationship that supports my growth and features intimacy and romantic love and genuine companionship. That requires a safe partner, a stable base, and for me to also be a safe partner and stable base.

But if we don't deal with it, our pasts will continue to haunt us both, and if we're in a relationship, that haunting extends to the other person.

Absolutely spot on!

Assuming that your WBF is giving an earnest effort (to be confirmed still), and assuming that you want to reconcile this relationship, I want to give you a little bit of insight, speaking (generally and not for everyone) about how us men can think. ETA: Obviously some people are selfish, manipulative a**holes and we should remove ourselves from those relationships, but the following is based on the premise that he's well-intentioned but very misguided.

Very often, we see that as men, we have to be the strong ones, the steady ones, the rock, with a focus on duty and stoicism and the practical. Now this is often a positive in being a support to anchor to and in showing where our priorities are, but it can become very problematic if we ignore our needs, don't advocate for them, and close ourselves off from emotional intimacy. (I don't ascribe to those traits being entirely toxic as per popular culture as there is a lot more nuance to it). We're doers and problem solvers, and that can also cause friction in relationships when our partners are looking for sympathy/empathy instead. It can be very difficult, as a man, to open up because we focus on the problem at hand and "sucking it up to get it done". We don't like being vulnerable as we're afraid that being that anchor is the one thing we can always have to offer. If something is bothering us, it's easy to get lost in work, chores, etc. to give us something productive to do and not mess up. With your BF's past family issues, it wouldn't surprise me that he's learned to operate in a "closed off survival mode" to protect himself.

When we ignore our needs and emotions, detaching and retreating, that's where destructive behaviours and choices can emerge and start to slide down that slipper slope. We're afraid of upsetting our partners with that vulnerability and can thus look to external means to satisfy those needs because we're afraid. We don't want counseling because we might view ourselves as weak. In no way am I justifying that, and in now way is that healthy, but even though we like to pretend we're entirely rational/practical, that simply isn't 100% true.

Opening up as a man is difficult. Especially to those we love or respect. However, it is incredibly liberating if we can do that and we have a partner that will talk to us, encourage us, support us, and not see us as anything less for "feeling". The emotional intimacy from that is a powerful connecting force to our partners and is much more able to proactively or retroactively deal with issues as they come up. If you can encourage your WBF to connect with you on that level and reciprocate in kind it will be very rewarding for your relationship and efforts to reconcile (again, should you determine that's the right path for you). Often, it will take the woman to open up first (again generalising) calmly, without judgement, etc., to get a man to open up. (And of course, men with a higher degree of emotional awareness and connection to their partner will do this as a part of the relationship, as many who have survived through traumatic issues with their spouse will do).

I apologise for the tangent and rambling thoughts on that, but I wanted to provide some potential insight into your BF (again, this is all general and I could be wrong on a number of points). None of this means you don't have to do anything you don't want to do - just trying to cover different potential angles and perspectives on things.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:20 PM, Tuesday, October 3rd]

His explanation, not excuse, is that he thought we were going to break up.

I also did the pursuit when things seemed bad (they were, and it made no difference). But my situation was different - AP in my world was a co-worker and she knew my WH for a long time before the A started. It was not an intentional hook up at the start (on his part - I have read all his texts to her leading up to the A so I am very confident I know all the relevant details of how it all began) - it was a slow boil kind of disaster. Which, as I said, makes none of it any better or worse...but I do wonder how I would feel if WH had gotten on some dating/meet/hookup site when we were still together but having a rough time.

Some food for thought - ask your self this question and see what the answer is: If you were having a rough spot in your relationship and your reaction was to thinking about finding someone else, how serious are you about that relationship?

For me, in past relationships that have been difficult or gone through difficult times, there were some where I was inclined to stick it out and there were a few where my feeling was to jump ship.

In the ones I was inclined to stick it out, the relationship was "worth it" to me. In the ones where jumping ship seemed like an option, those relationships did not last, even if I did not immediately end them. These are healthy thoughts to have - stay or go - happens everyday all over the world. But when the decision is to find someone else/additional - even where, like in your situation, the WP is unhappy/thinks the relationship is ending, their immediate "fix" is to find someone else. To move onto the next person. So, you have to ask how important any relationship is to that person? And what is going to change in their mindset in the future that the relationship is more important to them then fun/new companionship?

I don't know how old your WP is, but it seems to me that this is a very immature thought process. As you know a long term relationship bears little resemblance to those first few months of a pairing where a relationship is starting to form. So, as with anyone in these seeking-out kinds of affairs, I hope the BS will look honestly at their partner's capacity for change and their actual desire for a long-term relationship, as you are going to need a lot of both for this to work going forward (and I would need to feel secure in that change if I were to stick around as the last thing I would want to worry about is if my partner would be looking to replace me every time the relationship takes a turn for the worse).