SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I agree with a timeline and polygraph.

Both my WH and OW told me they just kissed, I knew they were lying because I had email evidence, and my WH did finally admit she met him at his hotel when he was traveling to her site.

I've been on these boards, like many others, for many years. Wish I could count the number of times the WS tells the BS they "only" kissed.

I hope you can get to the truth.

If you want the truth schedule a polygraph for her to take as soon as possible!

Hard to know.

The problem is that the lying precedes and supersedes the sex in many if not all cases, even precedes the involvement of an affair partner.

What can you trust out of your partner at this point? None of us know. That is a fact we all struggle to get our minds right with.

For example, my FWS lied about so much that she even lied about the sexual activities.

Not unusual, but in her case she lied in detail about when, where, what they did, including telling me that she fucked her AP in places that they didn't. The story just didn't make sense to me, but for months she insisted that I could not handle the facts. What did I know, I'd never cheated on anyone.

Why? Because the story was completely false. None of the story she made up was true, except that they did indeed fuck, which I already knew. Mind you, this lying happened in MC.

Then she broke down and confessed, and not even under duress from me. I had come from work for lunch and had to go back and bam out it spilled.

Why tell a false affair story? Well, she couldn't bear to tell the true story. She could bear to tell a made up story. Seriously, that's what she explained later.

Wayward thinking is all kinds of fucked up.

By the way, both stories sucked equally!!!

It's sounds like you're gaining clarity quickly.

I'm so sorry that this is what's happening right now. You deserve SO much better.

Protect yourself-physically and emotionally from him.

If you are worried he has no safety net, put a trusted friend or family member in the loop (from among his friends and family). Tell them that you are reeling from betrayal and cannot be the person to check in on him.

Create your own network of support. Don't keep this secret for him at the expense of isolating yourself from the support you need among your family and friends.

Reach out for individual counseling and look for an expert in trauma. This is trauma. You feel that, I know.

Go back to basics in self care--hydrate, eat, walk or exercise, and just love on your daughter.

We are here to hear and support you! Please lean on us.

(((Hugs to you, dear lady)))

I am going through a similar experience. It’s on my thread. I discovered that WW started liking someone’s public posts online that she had met on a girls trip. Content was Inappropriate for a mother of teen girls so i investigated. Found private inappropriate but not sexual messaging between them on social media. Confronted her. Took a while but WW always said "nothing happened." I needed to know to see if my ultimate boundary had been exceeded as that would have resulted in D for me. So In the end to resolve this, given my trust had gone, I insisted on polygraph. Turned out WW had been honest about this but in process confessed to a prior one time event. I wld have never have found out the latter had I not done this.

I wld do polygraph and do it now whilst you have momentum. It’s very important structure the Qs correctly. I met the examiner before deciding whether or not to proceed and he helped me on the Qs which were very specific.

I’m sorry but in my experience grown adults who want to do something and have the ability to do that something, usually do end up doing it.

Sir, do you really want a relationship of "How Low Can You Go?" limbo?

Seriously.

All of life us probability and statistics. So, to your question:

She only did this because I text him off her phone saying "he knows everything " his response was lucky nothing got physical and we only flirted over snap

Have they ?

Probability is low that it was limited to kissing (still a big deal and probability is high that there was groping involved at a minimum) and nude pics.

Ive become somewhat jaded in my later years. I read your bio that youve been together for decades and have two teen girls. Even if this is limited to kissing and nude pics, its a huge breach of trust and you have some serious thinking to do.

Its my understanding that you are not legally married, is that correct? Are your circumstances such that you are considered in a common law marriag? Id for sure put marriage plans on ice and go see an attorney as to your legal relationship standing.

Consider this. If this was a new relationship, say in its first year, and you found out that your love interest was at minimum, making out and exchanging nude pics with another guy, would you get even more serious with that woman? I highly doubt it.

I know that this is leading advice and, full disclosure, my biggest regret is hanging in there for an absolutely miserable decade with my first (cheating) wife, so take that into consieration. In general, I believe that faithful spouses can and should move on to do far better with someone else. I did and its been tremendous. I will say, there are exceptional couples that work through infidelity, stay together, and build something new and wonderful on the ashes of their old marriage and I doff my cap to them. Some are here on this site and the founders of this effort were such as well. Sadly, stories like that are fewer and far between and come at great great cost.

So, based on your posts and bio Id say, keep your options open. Dont lean in any direction for a while until the dust settles and you know to a more confident degree what you are dealing with.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:27 PM, Wednesday, October 25th]

Hi Scoob,

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. We all know what it feels like.

You are getting some great advice here.

First from Breakingbad:

Create your own network of support. Don't keep this secret for him at the expense of isolating yourself from the support you need among your family and friends.

Reach out for individual counseling and look for an expert in trauma. This is trauma. You feel that, I know.

Go back to basics in self care--hydrate, eat, walk or exercise, and just love on your daughter.

We are here to hear and support you! Please lean on us.

Now from sisoon:

Does it really matter? Sending topless pics and receiving 'naughty' pics is a betrayal in most exclusive relationships. I expect I'd be devastated if I learned my W had sent or receives such photos.

And I'm still stuck on the exchange of photos. That's betrayal enough to blow up a relationship, IMO. Does the sex question determine whether you will split or R?

In my opinion this is enough for either of them (your WH and OW) to make some stupid and compromising decisions. While they're making these decisions, what's best for YOU is not being considered. The only things that matter to THEM is denying it in the first place, or minimizing the extent of the relationship. Expect massive gaslighting.

One thing I can tell you based on my experience with my WW and seeing they way nearly all other WSs behave, he will NOT give you what you need (THE TRUTH) before exhausting every single other option.

I wish I wasn’t getting so cynical. There are great people on here who have reconciled but others who thought they had only to find out years later that their cheater was at it again. I guess you have to look at their overall moral values. Do they lie? Do they think it is ok that the checkout person did not see an item in their grocery cart so they got it free? You already know a good bit about them but hidden from you was another person. Is the relationship worth saving?

Please note we have recently had two women, married a long time, who found long time cheating, on line and in person. There are men here hoping that all their wives did was kiss another man.
In the end, the only thing you can do is a polygraph and then decide if he is worth more of you or not.

I am so sorry you are among the many thousands of us who know we are/were married to people who gave themselves permission to lie and cheat.

Cooley2 makes a good point:

I guess you have to look at their overall moral values.

I'll go a step further and say it's not just their values. You have to look underneath the values. Here's why I say that.

I take Hillel's words to heart: 'That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow.' There's more to my value system than that, but that is one of the foundations.

I believe I don't run high risk of getting caught when I violate my values, but I simply choose to be honest. I guess I decided as a kid that life is easier when I was honest. I might take a hit by admitting I did something wrong, but that was better than prolonging my vulnerability to punishment. Besides, I have no confidence in my ability to maintain a lie.

Towards the end of my W's A, as I found myself telling myself that she wouldn't cheat because her values were so strong, I realized that fear was the foundation of her value system. (She is a CSA survivor, so her thinking is pretty fucked up.) She stayed on the straight and narrow because she feared the consequences of getting caught. But her history of living morally lessened the probability of her getting caught, so there wasn't much holding her back from going off the rails.

IOW, there are morals with and without boundaries. Morals with strong intrinsic boundaries are a better bet than morals without boundaries.

Note: As I wrote, I found life to be easier when I was honest than when I tried to carry off a lie; I just chose the easy way out. Other people have found lying to be an easier way to survive, and they'll probably continue to lie unless something in their adult life makes them see life is easier when one is honest.