SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

neverforget-

I have read your posts and I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you and I have experienced many of the same issues. Where we differ is that I gather you and your wife have managed to rebuild some level of trust. My wife has repeatedly betrayed and now that I am no longer drowning my sorrows or working 60+ hours a week the past still feels painfully raw. I am wondering if you went through with your questionnaire? I have one all typed up and ready to go with the following intro:

Dear WW,

A quote from survivinginfidelity.com:

Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you're still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don't match the story you tell, they'll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with a simple apology. (edited to avoid love-bomb promises)

I have spent a lot of time the last couple of weeks journaling all our past crap, to the best of my memory. If you are reading this and considering participating further in this recovery and reconciliation, you may have already read it.

This is not stuff I chose to dwell on, believe me. You have been less than forthcoming over the years, and I understand why. This is common and even has a name: trickle-truth. The problem for me is that in doing so, you have stacked lies on top of betrayal. I am curious about many things and my imagination is my own worst enemy.

Answering honestly to some questions may give you great pause. Understand, I need all the information to hit bottom and feel in my heart that there is nothing else. If there are new revelations that you are inclined to hide, don’t do that. Be honest with yourself and with me. Don’t hold on to these secrets any longer. Help me rip off this band-aid. Do your best to provide full and complete detail so I do not have a window to wonder or ask more questions.

I have tried to phrase these to sound as clinical and unemotional as possible. Given the nature here, that isn’t 100% possible, but I have done my best. I imagine it will be difficult, but I ask you to approach your answers the same. Be factual and carefully definitive. Take your time, I realize some of this was long ago.

This will likely make you uncomfortable, do not pencil-whip this or give in to the desire to sugar coat or omit things. Do not answer as you think I wish to hear. I want to know your truth.

There are direct questions about a couple of men I have had suspicions about, one of whom is still in our orbit. I will not acknowledge or address this with either of them or their spouses (or anyone except a therapist), regardless of the content of your answer. Same goes if other familiar names are brought to light.

If it is easier and more liberating for you to just write a chronological timeline and dialog, that is fine too. Just make sure all of the questions are covered when you are done.

This is like the get out of jail free card. Total transparency will allow me to finally heal. I’m a big boy, let’s just get to the truth.

Make sure your answers will withstand a polygraph.

Sincerely, BH

Question for the group - Has anyone done this after an extended period of time like 11+ or 16+ years as in the case of neverforget? Did it help? Any suggested revisions to my intro?

Hang in there, neverforget.

IncompleteHealing

I have read your posts and I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you and I have experienced many of the same issues. Where we differ is that I gather you and your wife have managed to rebuild some level of trust. My wife has repeatedly betrayed and now that I am no longer drowning my sorrows or working 60+ hours a week the past still feels painfully raw. I am wondering if you went through with your questionnaire?

You are correct, we have had built up trust ever since we got married in 2010 but earlier this year I was recently getting triggered. Here is a quick update regarding my list of questions. Writing this list was rather therapeutic for me just listing out all the random questions in my head instead of just all these thoughts going round and round. I was trying to plan the best time to to talk to her and give her my list but I wanted to wait until my one child from college went back home after fall break so that we could all enjoy our time together. Right after they returned back to college also so happened to coincide with our 25th year anniversary since we started dating as teenagers. Prior to this year we have always been proud of this accomplishment but since the last couple months I have been going through triggers, needless to say this year's anniversary was a perfect storm for confrontation. I didn't even feel like acknowledging it because at the time all I could think about was that there was nothing to celebrate because everything that made it special being together since we were teens and we were each other's 'first' with everything was not true anymore. Later that night, I told my wife that I had made a list of questions I wanted to discuss and was hoping she would be able to answer them for me. Some of the answers I already knew and some were new questions she likely had never heard. Well she did not want to accept my list, so I ended up just reciting these questions out loud until she started giving me answers. The more I interrogated, the more uncomfortable she became, questioning why I am continuing to bring it up so many years later. She did answer things she could remember but could not answer some things because she could not remember. What bothered me is that I never understood how the A stopped because I had found out after it was over. Her response was always 'He's an asshole' and a 'player'. I responded with well apparently that was still good enough for you and I was everything that he isn't. What I got out of it was that sex only happened twice. Until this day, I was always under the impression that she savored every moment and that was the reason she kept hanging out with the OM. I could not believe that the woman I loved with all my heart did not even have some sort of guilt or thought of her family making to stop.

After hours of back and forth with me asking all the sexual questions and what how she felt each time they had sex, I finally was able to get something out of her that she never disclosed about the A 16 years ago. The '2nd time' that she had sex with the OM was NOT consensual. She begged and pleaded for him to stop because she was uncomfortable in that situation. The reason she gave me for telling me earlier is because she felt guilty ad responsible for putting herself in that situation especially since she already had sex with the OM once. She felt extreme shame after that night and did not want to ever talk about it again. This is what caused her never to want to talk about the A. She would always suggest I talk to IC about it but she wanted to internalize her pain. At that very moment, I felt extremely sad for her, because no woman should ever be sexually assaulted but at the same time I thought to myself, 'I was not completely forgotten during this A and this showed me that she was remorseful and ashamed of what happened. She was very reluctant to tell me this detail because she was afraid of what I might do especially since I have been pain shopping and investigating all the details of the OM. She said she just wanted to move forward with her life and not have to think about this time in her life.

Is it weird that this detail gave me the closure that I felt I needed and that I no longer wanted the details I had previously listed because those all were assuming that my WW 'wanted' the OM more than me? Since then I have not even thought or stalked the OM social media. I feel like a huge burden was lifted off and my wife feels sad that she never told me but said if that shame made me feel better then she was willing to do it. The days following this revelation, I apologized for not acknowledging our anniversary, had a a great dinner, and the most amazing sex we've had in quite some time.

In all honesty, I would have probably given her my list anyway had the issue of the sexual assault not come up. Did I ever think that my WW might have made up the sexual assault to distract me from my list? Yes the thought entered in and came right out since I was able to judge the facial reaction and tone of voice when she talked about the assault. I think in your case it is worth a shot still give her a list. One thing I think I would change is that in person discussion definitely adds to the authenticity of the answers. So maybe have the letter and list in front of you, but talk about each point in person face to face.

This is difficult. I actually made a questionnaire immediately after DDay #2, a whole list. I made him sit there and answer every question (which he did without hesitation) At the time I thought it was enough but almost 6 years out I realize I was absolutely in shock and those questions were not comprehensive. I am the one who can’t let go and many times I’m bringing it all up and asking questions again. I’ve told him under no circumstances is he to answer questions about specific sexual acts. I’ve told him that it just re-traumatizes me and if I do start this to tell me I told him not to answer them. I know this is hard for him because he KNOWS he has to answer all my inquiries. I have so many unanswered questions and maybe I don’t need to know the answers anymore? I don’t even think if he answered I would be satisfied. Even this morning I had a thought to ask him "whose idea was it to trick me into believing it was an EA after DDay#1? Was it yours or hers?" Is getting the answer really helping me at this point? We want the pieces to put the puzzle together and make it complete but I fully believe none of us ever have ALL the pieces.

I have so many unanswered questions and maybe I don’t need to know the answers anymore? I don’t even think if he answered I would be satisfied. Even this morning I had a thought to ask him "whose idea was it to trick me into believing it was an EA after DDay#1? Was it yours or hers?" Is getting the answer really helping me at this point? We want the pieces to put the puzzle together and make it complete but I fully believe none of us ever have ALL the pieces.

I can totally relate to this. Triggers are a terrible thing that make our minds just go in never ending circles. To be honest this is why I just started writing down all questions and answers as we discuss so that if these questions keep coming back up in my mind, I can go back and look. For me, I think I what I was constantly searching for was any sort of inclination that my WW acknowledged that she was doing something terrible and that it wasn't all fun. Unfortunately for her she became a victim of sexual abuse as she denied the OM the 2nd time sex happened. This is was the reason she never wanted to talk about how and why the A ended. For some reason while my heart breaks for my W that she kept that small detail kept inside for so long, the idea that she did not ALWAYS want/desire sex with OM gave me closure. It proved to me that there was still some morality left inside her to know and feel that what was going was wrong. For the last 16 years, my brain always told me that the reason she had an A was purely driven by sex/PA. She had no emotions for him other than physical attraction. Lately I've promised myself to stop stalking the OM social media and stop pain searching and focusing on what I currently have with my wife and two kids because when I get experience bad triggers I end up just going down a rabbit hole which dampens everyone's mood.

I think answers do help just to calm your mind down. But I do ask myself, is it worth the recurring pain to keep focusing on it. I've tried to focus that negative energy on myself i.e exercise, kids, etc. There will come a time where you have the answers that will give you closure and you tell yourself, "I accept that this happened and cant change anything, now lets move forward". As long as your WH is consistently proving to you he is dedicated to you, the M, and R, then a future is worth building. In my opinion, I just don't think the wayward spouses will ever truly understand the pain, constant mindfucks, triggers, and confidence issues they have caused.

If you have questions that keep coming up internally, IMO they're big questions that need to be asked and answered. And if you don't get them asked and answered now, they may fester and become bigger and bigger issues as time goes on.

Also, IMO the questions that really need to be asked are the ones whose answers you fear. I just can't imagine living with the fear of answers.

I think healing demands risking one's M - holding onto the M at all costs, well, IMO, the cost is likely to be selling oneself out, and that cost is too high.

Again, JMO.

If you have questions that keep coming up internally, IMO they're big questions that need to be asked and answered. And if you don't get them asked and answered now, they may fester and become bigger and bigger issues as time goes on.

This is where I ended up stuck for a long time. I think in my initial disbelief and anger I kept mixing in "why" and "how could you" questions which she couldn't answer. The factual what, when, where questions which should have been relatively easy were trickle truthed, lied about, or swept under the rug in conjunction with the why questions. When these lies resurfaced, it was like being betrayed all over again.

And of course, fester is the right word because they will rot you from the inside out.

Even after repeated betrayal, the lies and the resulting broken trust when things seemed to be getting better hurt the most.

hey NeverForget,

Ive been in a very similar situation to yours. Wife and I were eachother's one-and-only prior to her affair. Like you, I ended up getting triggered by it 16 years later, and the resurfaced trauma is just now starting to subside after a few years. I will say, its not like I don't think about her A anymore, but when I do, I no longer feel the intense need to discuss it with her and it no longer consumes the majority of my day like it once did. Its like Ive gone over it so many times and Ive come to some sort of conclusion to the point where its just not something I feel I need to bring up anymore, at least with her.

Also, like you mentioned, I recently have gotten a lot more busy at work, so have had less time to think about it. I think in general keeping busy with other things helps to keep focus on the present and not fall into living in the past, because the past is just that - its in the past and there is nothing you can really do about it.

If you feel the need to talk about it with your wife, by all means do, otherwise it will just keep eating away at you, but also, the way you talk about it with her needs to be focused on your pain and be careful of directing anger or resentment at her, which happened in my case alot and almost resulted in us getting a divorce.

If there's no reason to believe your wife has strayed since, then most of the work to be done is going to reside within yourself. I expected my wife to make things better for me (she caused it after all right?), but only I could do that for myself. Mainly I feel Ive made progress through re-framing things and seeing things in a new way. I also remind myself that I am here now, and my wife is currently not in an affair, is remorseful, is essentially a different person vs back then, and things are otherwise good. Yeah, there are still daily triggers, and it hurts to think about, but for me it doesn't completely take over like it once did.

Anyway, I just thought Id chime in to say that I get it, the whole investigative part as well, I played out to the end of that road in an attempt to find the deeper meaning of her affair. Good luck.