SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Inkhulk,

We handled it very similarly and I have no regrets. Like your situation the OW was a "friend" or as I say an imposter of one. I enjoyed some nasty texts to her, outed her to her spouse, and her place of employment after she called my husband’s work phone and left a ridiculous voicemail. She even showed up on this site seeking comfort from the big bad me. 🙄 and oddly, somehow she got it, even from other BS’s. I suspect they read the story wrong and thought she was the betrayed. Oh well

I can’t understand how these AP feel no guilt or shame on what they have done.

Cedarwoods - very good point.

I think the APs don’t feel badly b/c the spouse/partner is portrayed as the villain in the relationship/marriage.

The AP believes the crap they are fed as to "why" the cheater feels entitled or justified in cheating.

The AP is "saving" the poor cheater from his/her bad marriage or nasty spouse or cold unloving wife/husband.

And then when it all blows up, the AP cannot believe their "schmoopie soul mate" has the audacity to lie to them.

I think one of the more egregious stories is from waitedwaytoolong. His cheating spouse setting him up for a business deal with the OM - I don’t know how he kept himself from jail.

How sad that people who are supposed to be the one person we trust the most can betray us in the worst way.

Do they not have a conscience? In what universe is it ok to trespass on someone’s marriage?

They have to vilify the spouse in order to do what they do.

I’ve spent a good part of 3 years trying to understand who she was, the type of person my husband decided to risk me for. Besides the discovery that WH truly affaired down, the level of cognitive dissonance and lack of self awareness the ow displayed was out of this world. For example we had an "end of affair/friendship/whatever you want to call it" call with her where WH made his intentions clear on dday 2 that regardless what happened to us, he will not be with her in a genuine relationship ever.

She tearfully asked me on that call not to out them at their place of work as she’s a single mother and cannot lose her job. She asked me to think of her kids not realising that she did not consider mine when she was inserting herself in my marriage. Not realising that she herself did not think of her kids when she decided to have an affair with a coworker.

I agreed. The next day she started a direct social media attack (it doesn’t take a genius to work out that a betrayed spouse would check the ow’s public social media page) posting every affair detail she could publicly. Except the BJs in car parks which she was obviously too embarrassed to post about and she probably still believes WH didn’t tell me about.

She then started to post about what a terrible and bad person I was without articulating why, I assume based on WH’s previous statements that she still didn’t appear to doubt although by know she was also calling him a liar in the same post. He was a liar, but only when he lied to her, not whilst they were in the affair and he was lying to me.

In conclusion, I agreed not to out the affair to their HR department twice, thinking of her kids (truly), all this after I already previously agreed to do so the first time on Dday 1 providing the affair would stop, they continue to be "friends" behind my back risking their jobs again and again not thinking of any of our kids, she has no issues attempting to destroy my kids’ family but I was the bad one.

I remember once thinking at the time that in all this drama there was in fact only one person thinking of the bloody kids, me, and two inept parents who were literally trying to obliterate me with their actions not giving a damn about said kids.

Like in The1stWife’s case, she also posted about how she’d never stay with a cheater omitting to acknowledge the fact he was a cheater the whole time he was having an affair with him. In fact I am not the one staying with a cheater knowingly but she is given that she knew at all times he was married. Apparently he became a cheater the day he decided that he won’t be with her in real life after all, not when they started the affair.

The ow in our case turned out to be a first class liar and things escalated to a police complaint made by us when she went too far and an HR investigation. All this insight (and I have lots) made me realise that the single ow is a special breed.

ETA: I think all the above has nothing to do with holding a WS to accountability. In our case I have NEVER blamed her for the affair in the context of our marriage I just wanted to figure out who would do what she did and who my WH risked it all for. I never publicly outed her although I did fantasise about it, I never posted about her on social media and whilst I’m human and I did portray a united front with WH on all avenues refusing to give her any satisfaction of our pain and struggles, I have not once think that my WH was blameless, in fact the blame never shifted to her. She’s just a not very nice human being and discovering that made me realise and accept the affair was never about me.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:58 AM, Saturday, October 14th]

In my case, my husband never vilified me—he spoke highly of me to the AP. She also spoke highly of her spouse to him (who is by all accounts a good man).

They justified it because apparently they’re very extra special people who had an extra special connection happen, and they only had one life to live and deserved to pursue that connection and why tell their spouses since it would only hurt them?

I did somehow become the bad guy to the AP after the fact, though, because I wasn’t enlightened enough to be fine with them remaining extra special close friends.

She also later approached my husband and said that they needed to mutually agree to have no spouses at work or work related events because my presence at the same occasional work-related social and community events I’ve always gone to "wrecks" her mental health and gives her panic attacks.

At first, being the pushover that I am, I avoided those events because I felt worried about her mental health and because I’m an introvert and private person with no stomach for confrontations and public drama. Now I go to what I want, act like the normal, appropriate, soft-spoken person I am at those events, and worry not at all about her having a sobbing breakdown in her car because it’s "anxiety-inducing" to be subjected to reminders that I exist. Sorry; neither of you gets to hide from the fact that you fucked someone else’s spouse.

I Interacted on 3 occasions.
None were good.

The first 2 I played the nice innocent wife. The in person one I did not play nice at all because she lied the other 2 times.

I saw her in the grocery store. I introduced myself,

I told her that she lied to me and was a loser.

She said my husband was a big manipulator- I agreed that he manipulated her.

I told her that he told me that she was desperate and easy and chose to cheat with her because she was older and figured she was in menopause and didn’t get a period and couldn’t have kids. He told me he asked for keys to your apartment to see if you were seeing other men. He chose you because no one would ever suspect that he would be with you because you were frumpy and not attractive so no one would be suspicious.

She said "he said that?" I said yes. He also called you the red queen like I’m GOT you were only good for sex and to boost his ego but at the end he could never win with you.

She was angry and told me he had given her gifts which originally she denied. She showed me a first generation Apple Watch an iPhone and iPad all of which were our old ones. I told her that he said you were so willing to do anything for him that he felt bad that you gave rimjobs and blow jobs so he gave you trinkets.

The Apple Watch and iPad were my 12 year olds and my iPhone so instead of sending them in to get money for them toward our new devices he paid full price for ours and gave you our hand me downs.

I said you did all of that lying and a*^ eating to be #2. To be in second place to a mean old wife he quickly dumped you for.

I told her when my husband was low vibrational and going through a midlife crisis and negative and low he chose to spend time with you. When he decided to be a better man and positive he chose me again.

Let that sink in #2.

Then I left.

No I didn’t feel bad for one second.

I confronted OM three times. I did not threaten to harm him or anything but it was clear I was mad/upset and my emphasis was for him to know I knew and to leave us both alone.

1. Immediate aftermath of Dday while FWS stayed home from work, I went to his office (he was FWW’s boss) to tell him I knew and that he should tell his wife before I did. Spoiler alert, he did not tell her even though I waited like a month before doing so.

2. I went to his home, which was nearby to mine, and told him not to go jogging past our house and asked a few questions about the A and I recorded the conversation to protect myself in case he tried to say I threatened him, which I did not.

3. About the same time, after a broken NC, I went back to his office and he showed me every message between them and I said if it ever happened again I would tell everyone and their mother about it. He was an elected official and did not want that. My FWS saw how quickly he threw her under the bus when he forwarded the messages to me and it was likely the final nail in the coffin for the A. She left the office for another job soon after.

After that, I never felt the need to talk to him or think of him seriously again. He died from an illness a few years ago and I had disposed of any trace of what went on some time ago.

Well, my interaction with the AP occurred pr to Dday, so I wasn't aware he was the AP. Since he was a riding instructor at the barn my daughter boarded he horse at, there would often be an evening activity with a bunch of people there, including him. Well, we would go out on a Friday and she would get all dolled up. On our way out, she would insist we just pop by the barn and I, being clueless, agreed.

She says she did it to make her AP jealous,
but looking back, I think she did it as an act of ritual humiliation on my part. She could just stand there gloating while her and her boyfriend shared a secret. Yeah, never gonna forgive that one.

I took my WW to see the OM after 25 years or so, there was an intense emotional response from OM, I was off to the side observing.

My WW noted that he looked old and I told her that his kids were there, she asked how did I know what they looked like, I told her I make it a point to know my enemies. A reminder to my WW that there is a debt which can be recalled at any time.

The next year around the same time I visited him at the same event and had a conversation, I let OM talk alot he gave excuses and etc, I was called away so I didn't get to ask the real questions. I was even ready to offer peace for a confession.

He move 600 or so miles away soon after that, I hope I had something to do with that.

All information is valuable and in that sense I'm glad I did go to see OM, and to let my WW know OM is still on my list.

"They have to vilify the spouse in order to do what they do."

In my case I ignored my gut feelings about the OW. I do not know if this particular woman had had a sexual relationship with EXWH, but my gut was screaming about here. And I still went to events she had or was at because I succumbed to gaslighting that I was controlling and needed to let EXWH have his friends.

The truth was that it was EXWH’s job to protect the marriage and me. And he had already done an aweful job of it known A1 (DD1 prior).

This woman and the other AP and affair supporters were serious threats to my safety and well being. My experience is that it is wise for BSs to be wary of contact with APs and affair supporters. Although my situation is extreme in terms of what these people did to me (talk of harming me, plotting to financially damage me, brutal bullying and lies). I can say that these people if they know about the A and support it do not share the values of honesty, common decency, and integrity that I and so many others in this group hold.

I just want to add to one comment to those who are shocked that an AP, any AP, would have the audacity to invade a marriage. My EXWW'S AP was and is a POS, but he is also nothing more than a constant, like the speed of light. He just factors into the equation and could be anyone.

My EXWW tried to play the victim in all of this, and was constantly frustrated when I would surgically call her out on her bullshit. I remember one conversation we had, where she recounted an interaction with the AP post Dday. She took an accusatory stance towards him, asking, how could he take advantage of a married woman!

I responded, so did he tell you that you shouldn't have said yes to his advances? She hung her head and said, "Yeah, basically." That said it all.

My EXWW did not cheat because of some magical power the AP had. Nor did she cheat because the stars or planets aligned. She cheated because she's a cheater. The same reason we don't cheat.

Interestingly, I had a couple of cordial but limited interactions with my wife's primary AP a couple of years prior to her LTA, when I met him at a few social functions for ER staff at the hospital where my wife worked the PM shift and he, in his capacity of senior Surgical Resident had unlimited access to the on-call suite of rooms with beds and a fully stocked liquor cabinet. He seemed, prior to his pimping tenderness gambit targeting my wife, to be a pleasant, affable man, if a little nerdy and self-conscious of his height which was 6'6". There was back then, no spark of connection that I could see between him and WW, but that certainly changed for the worse soon afterwards.
During the run-up to the point where my wife's infatuation for this man really took off, I had no clue at all. However when she began to have deep feelings for him, there were pretty unambiguous signs as to what was going on, if I had acquired the knowledge i.now possess to interpret her withdrawal and remoteness and her vilification of my every word, thought or action. So no, I didn't confront him, in fact for the longest time I was naively unaware of her infidelity with this OM
My wife invited him to a couple of parties we hosted, the one at Halloween 1972 stands out in my memory for the clear eye contact connection and the unmistakable body language I witnessed between them.But I still.lacked solid proof and my wife denied, denied and denied any irregularity or impropriety. In her affair with this OM in its second iteration my wife tried to interest me in becoming one of his patients, for a number of reasons I thought this was an awful idea, not least being we had move about 75 miles away from.his practice. I guess she thought my seeing him for treatmento of my IBD would legitimize any travel to see him, or make it less suspicious.
I.never did have the satisfaction of outing him to his wife or confronting him. Karma dealt him a wicked hand with a hyper aggressive prostate cancer which brought about his early demise. So much for the fantasy of taking a ballpeen hammer to his surgeon's hands, and I can't even piss on his grave since he was cremated and his ashes caste onto the Central California coastal waters. In reality I feel sadness and sorrow for the miserable neediness of his life which led him to try and poach my spouse for his carnal pleasure. He had so much but obviously there was a big void in his life. My wife has worked hard on her deficits, I wonder if he achieved that too.