SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Feeling a bit stuck and sad.
Since 2018 I have had a companion who is older and lives nearby. He's become like family to me, helped me through a very difficult time after WXH left and essentially abandoned DD and me. He lives alone, is retired, a little eccentric, and an emotional avoidant, likely on the spectrum. We do love each other (he never says it but I know he does) but our relationship stopped being sexual a year and a half ago. He has very little sexual desire at his age and is on antidepressants (which can impact sexual dysfunction) and is not that affectionate. As an emotional avoidant, he is careful with his feelings and making any future plans with me. Even so, he brings me a lot of peace and I trust him.

About a year ago, someone from my long ago past reached (an old lover) out after reading an essay I published about infidelity. We began a friendship over email (he lives in another state) and finally met for a romantic weekend. I let my companion know that there was someone else in my life and saw other guy about once a month when we could manage it. It wasn't easy. I didn't want a "polyamorous" kind of love triangle but it evolved that way and both men seemed okay with it -- but it was difficult for all of us. Long story short, the new guy just ended things and I can't say I blame him.

It was getting clunky to manage two relationships, even though one was purely platonic. I had a hard time considering a future with him since he lived out of state and there were other red flags. He was a bit of a love bomber, shared similar qualities with WXH (impulsive, moody, a spender, a bit chaotic, and juggling a lot of ideas and projects that never seem to go anywhere). In my own mind, I knew there wasn't a future, but we had a great time together and a lot of chemistry.

He ended things saying he was clinically depressed (due to some trauma he experienced a few years ago) and that he was tired of being "hidden away" in my life. Everything he said was true.

It's just sad to have another ending, another goodbye. I am just feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for reading.

It sounds to me like the end of this relationship isn't necessarily a bad thing . . . but that perhaps this is the time for you to do some thinking about where you are with the emotionally-avoidant one. Are you okay with this being the only relationship in your life, especially if it is not a romantic one? And second, if this truly isn't a romantic relationship anymore, why must it be disclosed any more than an opposite sex friend to any potentially romantic partners in the future?

I have a fantastic relationship with my ex (from many years ago) - it is very non-romantic and has been for almost 20 years, but we own a property together still from back then and do things together from time to time with other mutual friends of ours. He even has stayed with me and WH when we used to live together when he was visiting the area where we live for his work. We are true friends and only friends. WH was aware of him when we met and was also aware that him being my friend was non-negotiable. I was not interested in dating someone who told me I had to get rid of my ex-now-friend. Why would I exonerate someone from my life I have known almost all of mine for someone I just met? IDK - people do these things I suppose, its just not for me. My WH never had a problem with my ex and we were never inappropriate in ways that would have made him so. In other words, it worked for us.

Presuming your emotionally avoidant ex-now-friend is really just that, you can find someone your having that relationship works for. There is no need to be "alone" forever.

I often feel stuck when I'm filled with negative emotions. Dating is a contact sport and those of us on the more empathetic side of the spectrum have to be prepared for the rush of negative emotions. This can come from relationships that are not working, working, beginning, or ending. Being traumatized, relationship events of all kinds can bring a rush of negative emotions. A friend advised me it's helpful to categorize these trauma reactions, catastrophizing, enlargement, spiraling, rumination, et al. I'm starting to employ this advice myself. I hope you pass through this temporary sadness quickly and see it's the opposite for you:
you're not stuck. Your dating is evidence of not stuck. You're sad, but you're not stuck. Have you not proven you can exit unhealthy situations and survive some of the worst abuse that can be heaped on a person? You're still standing, in some ways thriving. You're actually engaging in romantic relationships. That's amazing. You're the opposite of stuck, you now have exhibited your power. You can date, you can sample, you can explore, and you know if you find yourself in something that isn't working, you can move on, relationships can end, and you're still standing. That power of resilience is a power all of us betrayed get to claim.

@ANewPerson and ThisissoLonely. Thanks to both of you for the wisdom. Your comments gave me a lot to think about.