SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like many of the posts I have read … I never in a million years thought I would be writing here. I’m not too sure on the terminology that is used in these posts, so I’m just going to spell it out the way I know how.

Without writing a novel, I will try and give the "Coles Notes" version. My husband and I have just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary (together in total for 12 years). The last 2/3 years of our marriage hasn’t been the best - once we welcomed our second daughter. Our marriage has been on a downhill slope (we both can agree to that), we stopped communicating effectively, we always fought (even over the smallest things), we never spent time together or made a true effort too … we got stuck in this routine of not being there for one another, not caring (even though we did care about each other). Our needs were never met on either end - he never helped me with the kids/house/daily little tasks and I never showed him the intimacy he desperately wanted. So much resentment built up and up and up towards him, I truly felt like I hated him. I would say that this past year (2023) things hit an all time low. For me, the resentment built up so bad that I completely shut off, I was even contemplating in my own mind calling it quits, separating and moving on with life because the life we were living was just not happy.

Fast forward to this summer, was when it truly hit me how bad things had gotten. A few months ago I started getting these very weird feelings (feelings I’ve never had before in my life), like when I would look at him, I didn’t know who this guy was standing in front of me - he felt like a stranger. We continued to be distant and not communicating. One night I decided that I needed to find out for myself if something was going on because things were just too weird and uncomfortable for my liking. So after wavering back and forth I decided to buy a recording device that and try to account for his whereabouts. I felt sick to my stomach for even considering this, but I just needed to know. So over the course of a few weeks throughout September/October I would hide it in places throughout the house where he would be, in his car … thinking I would hear something. My anxiety for those few weeks were through the roof … to my avail nothing. I was telling myself I was crazy for doing this and that I needed to stop. I was going to stop.

Now this is going to bring you to the events that led up to the discovery. Last Monday (October 9) we had a long 2-3 hour talk essentially about how we needed to be better and do better … let’s turn a new leaf because we love each other kind of talk. Ironically in this conversation I had asked him twice if there was something he needed to tell me or get off his chest. I flat out asked if there was something he wanted to tell me, if there was anybody else. He said no, there is nobody else (not gonna lie, he didn’t sound too convincing) and that I’m the other person he has ever loved - he has never given me a reason to doubt him so I let it be.

Over the next couple days, things were going good, we were off to a new start (or so I thought). Wednesday night (Oct 11) hit and then we kinda had another little tiff and he told me "he didn’t want to get into it right now" (neither did I). After this little episode, I decided to put the recording device in his car.

D- Day (October 12) I was on pins and needles all day. Waiting patiently for him to get home so I could go grab the recorder. I went and grabbed it, went to a private place to play through it all and heard something I can never unhear. He pulled up to some woman’s house and asked "you got some time" … a few minutes later I heard it! I f*#%ing heard it! I flew upstairs up to the bedroom where he was. Pushed the door open and yelled "you’re cheating on me". He looked like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He face changed his voice changed and he was denying it. I threw the recorder at him and told him what I had been doing and he better not deny it. He starts back peddling, saying it was only blowjobs, it didn’t mean anything … blah blah blah. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I kicked him out. He slept in his car in the driveway.

I called my parents and best friend. My best friend was a doll and came to spend the night with me while I was trying to process what happened. My mom came the day after to be with me and my kids (just left yesterday actually).

It’s been an entire 7 days since this has come to light. The details of what my husband have told me of this "mistake" or so he calls it include:

- it started in august
- met at a grocery store (saw each other there a couple times)
- she asked for his number, he gave it to her
- they met for coffee to talk about their marriages (apparently they are going through similar marital issues)
- he honestly didn’t mean for it to get where it did, but then they would do things in his car
- he was sick, got rid of her number and was trying to ghost her, but she was threatening him that she was going to tell me

I’m still processing. He told me that it meant nothing. He was scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me, he didn’t want "this" to happen. On D-Day he said it was over (but it didn’t sound over, he couldn’t tell me why he did what he did that day, but it happened).

What I’m having a really hard time with is that just a few days prior we were "turning a new leaf" (or so I thought), Thursday comes and then bam. I’m having such a difficult time processing what happened it just a few short days. He said that he was ending it because he couldn’t go on like this anymore (not sure what to believe) … he apparently went there the day after to tell her that it was over, I found out (apparently she was threatening to come to me and it scared my husband so he didn’t know what to do - again, how do I believe this).

For the past week he has been sleeping in his car in the driveway. He doesn’t want to leave because he wants to be close to us. I can see the remorse in his face and he is begging and pleading me to give him a chance to show him that our marriage can be better than it ever was before … blah blah blah. I know he loves me, I know he cares about me … but why did he make these life altering choices?! Our marriage was awful yes, but I still made choices to not do what he did.

I’m venting here. Not sure what I’m looking for. Do I work with him? Do I let him spend the rest of his life making this up to me? Do I start my exit process? I think of my kids and how bad I feel for them, I never ever thought this would be my life, that this would be the life for them. There are times when I want to work towards something and I agree that maybe things can be better than before, but on the other hand I don’t know how I can move past the betrayal. One thing is for certain, that this whole ordeal is not my husband at all. This is not his character.

What do I do, where do I start?! I’m beyond confused.

Welcome Heartbroken, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You have come to the right place.

More folks will come along, but just the main things you need to internalize:

1. This was not your fault.

2. The rug has been yanked out from beneath you, and it is really hard to determine how to move forward when you are going through the storm. I think you would benefit from space from your WH (wayward husband) and I don't mean him relocating to the driveway. He needs to go to a sibling's, a parent's, wherever. This will allow you to process without him in your ear. You are very vulnerable to manipulation right now and you need distance.

3. See a doctor and a therapist, STAT. I really dragged my feet on this and I think I would have recovered much more quickly if I had engaged them sooner. Doctor can help with anxiety meds and sleep aids and STD tests. Therapist can guide you through your thoughts and feelings as you try to make sense of it all.

4. You MUST drink water and consume calories. If you neglect your physical health, you will putting yourself at risk for more issues.

5. This was not your fault.

6. Despite being incredibly devastating, your husband's betrayal is unfortunately very common. The good news is that there are a lot of us that have walked this road before.

7. This is not a reflection on your worth as a human or a partner. Beyonce was cheated on. Mackenzie Bezos was cheated on. Gwen Stefani was cheated on. Melinda gates was cheated on. Freaking SHAKIRA was cheated on. This is a reflection on your husband and his ability to prioritize his impulses over you and your family. He needs to figure out how he was able to give himself permission to do that.

8. And finally, this was not your fault.

I’m sorry that you have found it necessary to join us, but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library. Lots of good information there and in the pinned threads here. Get tested for STDs and your WH needs to be tested as well. Cheaters tend to minimize and trickle truth the entirety of their betrayal.

You have suffered a real trauma. Most importantly take care of you and your health. Be there for your children.

Always value yourself!

Some basic facts that jump out from your post to consider:

Your WH cheated because he is selfish. Period. He is a cake eater. He was in the process of having his AP on the side while pretending to rebuild with you. Simply selfish.

Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. The status of your M had nothing to do with his decision to cheat. Cheaters often blameshift rather than face their own character flaws that allowed him to betray you. He didn’t vow to be faithful and forsake all others only while he felt "connected".

It sounds like your WH desperately wants to rugsweep his infidelity. It won’t work. He needs to address his character flaws if he wants to try and rebuild your trust. Otherwise you risk his cheating again.

See an attorney to learn your rights.

Best of luck. Keep posting here. Vent away!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:10 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

Welcome to SI, you are safe here to vent. You have received great advice on how to get your feet back under you. His responses are still in a wayward mindset.

saying it was only blowjobs, it didn’t mean anything

Ok, how does this make it better? He is minimizing.

The details of what my husband have told me of this "mistake" or so he calls it include:

Again minimizing, he made hundreds of decisions to betray you and his family before she ever got in the car.

she was threatening him that she was going to tell me

They all say this, he is throwing her under the bus to save himself, she isn't going to tell because her husband will find out.

That leads to my next piece of advice is to tell her husband, do not tell him you are going to do it, the H deserves to know.

He needs to write a complete and honest timeline of who, what, when, where and how. He need to be an open book an put it all on the table. I wish you the best.

Thank you everyone for the responses so far. I definitely don’t have a definitive timeline. He says he never counted the times it happened. He didn’t know why it happened.

One thing I am curious about is that he won’t tell me who she is. He said it doesn’t matter and that there is no excuse to breakup another family. I was livid at this response.

Should I continue to pry?

He has to provide full transparency. Especially her name. How can you know there hasn't been contact if you don't even know who she is??

He's clearly lying.

Also..he pulled up and asked if she had time, then you heard them. It sounds like he's seeing prostitutes. Since he won't give the name, it might be because he made her up to cover for his hooker problem.

He doesn't get to decide what you need to know. His judgment is clearly horrible. He doesn't get to decide.

He also needs to be tested for stds. You too.

One thing I am curious about is that he won’t tell me who she is. He said it doesn’t matter and that there is no excuse to breakup another family. I was livid at this response.

This is a no go. You cannot begin to reconcile when he is withholding information. As long as he has this attitude you need to study up on the 180 and detach from him. Ask him why is he suddenly concerned for her family? Why is it more important to protect her family at your expense>

Should I continue to pry?

Absolutely there is a lot more to his story.

One thing I am curious about is that he won’t tell me who she is. He said it doesn’t matter and that there is no excuse to breakup another family. I was livid at this response.

Oh hell no. This alone says he's not honest. I'd take everything he says with a grain of salt. He's nowhere near reconciliation material.

Should I continue to pry?

You could. But I highly doubt it'll come from him. You'll have to snoop basically.

I say take some time for yourself first before deciding if he's worth another chance. And this should be if he becomes completely transparent.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 10:58 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

I know this is a huge life altering trauma and your head is still spinning but you need to dig deep, find your anger and take control of this situation.

Demand a timeliness. Make it clear I don't know and I don't remember gets him further and further from any possibility of R.
Figure out what your line in the sand is and what you will do if it crossed and be ready to act on that.
See an attorney as soon as possible. You need to know your rights and his obligations so that you aren't making choices out of fear or being unsure.

You have 2 choices in getting the spouses information, 1 keep digging, 2 demand it from him and if he refuses be ready to act. He needs to understand that you are in control now and you will not tolerate anything less than the respect honesty being treated like the queen you are. Time to take the kingdom back sister.

There's a phrase here "you have to be willing to lose your M to save it" thing is the M is already gone. He did that. He ruined it. Can you rebuild? Absolutely. I'm 15 years out with spouse that pulled his head out of his ass and owned it and did the work. I waffles early on was so broken I couldn't do anything to show strength but 30 days later I did and when I got quiet and serious he realized he didn't have any more chances.

But until you DEMAND honesty, respect, transparency, and everything else you need he won't do it. Whe. You demand it he has a choice to do it or continue to hide and lie. If he continues to lie, your choice is made. You then start tako g your life back. Your strength, your happiness, your well being.

Ma'am, first of all, my commiserations on having to face this betrayal. It is a shock to the system unlike any other.

Look, of your own admission, your marriage was in troubled waters BUT that issue stands alone and is no excuse whatsoever for betrayal.

Your wayward husband is not owning his actions and is equivocating and dissimulating. These statements are lies hes likely told himself and are now trying to foist on you:

- he honestly didn’t mean for it to get where it did, but then they would do things in his car

- he was sick, got rid of her number and was trying to ghost her, but she was threatening him that she was going to tell me

As is this:

He told me that it meant nothing. He was scared to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me, he didn’t want "this" to happen.

He did exactly what he wanted to do and kept doing it. Period. End of story.

To your questions:

Do I work with him? Do I let him spend the rest of his life making this up to me? Do I start my exit process?

I say take some time to process. These are very weighty questions and having small children in the home makes it even more so (I know this from personal experience as my own betrayal happened when I had young children at home). Im glad you have a good friend for support and hope you can gather more. If you can see a good, well recommended therapist please do so. This where to start. To get the support you need until you reach the point of clarity needed to move in any direction. Breath deep and take your time.

As to him, this is the crux:

I know he loves me, I know he cares about me … but why did he make these life altering choices?!

Until he can articulate his "why" and own up to what hes done 100%, you will have a hard time seeing your way clear to moving forward with him.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:22 AM, Sunday, October 22nd]

How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a good resource for your WH (wayward husband) as a place to start. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. The Healing Library has a list of the acronyms we use.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be very helpful for you, with bonus points if they also specialize in infidelity. My second IC was a betrayal trauma specialist and was so helpful for setting me on the path to healing. Your WH needs IC to work on his issues.

You may wish to see a lawyer or 2 or 3, just to see what some of your options may be if you decide to D (divorce). Any lawyer you visit can't represent your WH due to conflict of interest issues.

Cheaters are prone to telling lies and rewriting history. The AP (affair partner) may well be lying about the state of her M (marriage).

Sorry you've had to find us.

It will be very tempting to show him this site. Don't do it. This is your safe place. You don't have the truth. We will help you get to as much of it as possible, but if he knows what you're doing, he will learn to lie and hide it better.

He needs to tell you the name of the AP yesterday

I would not promise him ANYTHING at this point as far as reconciliation is concerned. The truth is while there are some couples out there who reconcile successfully, the vast majority do not. They either split up or have a very dysfunctional relationship where the infidelity is never fully worked through and rugswept.

In order to reconcile successfully, he has to be willing to do ANYTHING to prove he is a safe partner. You are running the show now; he doesn't get to determine what you need to know in order to move forward in this relationship. If he is unwilling to do that, then he is simply not a candidate for reconciliation.

Reconciliation is freaking hard. The cheater loses any moral high ground he/she ever had and will have to spend their future constantly reminded of the decision they made to destroy their family and consciously hurt the ones they purportedly love. They have to go to therapy and do the hard work of confronting themselves and remediating whatever character flaw they have that allows them to make such stupid and destructive decisions over and over. They have to completely change their mindset. They have to quit justifying their bad behavior and OWN it. Frequently cheaters cheat because they have a "need" for external validation and to feel good about themselves. That very same "need" often prevents the cheater from doing the hard work to become a good partner; it feels bad and is the exact opposite of validation.

Most newly discovered cheaters are not reconciliation material right out of the gate. However, he needs to be a quick study because the longer he takes to "get it", the quicker you are going to decide that this shit just ain't worth it and you have had enough.

I eventually divorced my cheater. My initial dday was in 2017 and my divorce was finalized literally just last week. If I could go back and redo it, I would have immediately take action and filed for divorce. You see, when I finally had enough and filed for divorce, he was suddenly willing to do anything and meet any demand I had. I just did not give a shit any more. I had 6 years of this and I was done! Perhaps if I had hit him with the divorce immediately, he may have realized I was serious and been willing to do whatever it takes. Probably not, though, lol. He is a majorly disordered fuckwit and it took me getting cheated on repeatedly to understand that it was all just part of a larger pattern of behavior.

Your world is upside down now. This is the worst part. Its okay to be confused and not know what to do. I just want to impress on you that if he wants to remain in this relationship, he is not in a position to call the shots.

Keep posting and please don't share this site with your WH. He can use what we tell you to manipulate you. <3

Full disclosure means "whatever you want to hear", and if that includes her name, that includes her name. If you don't want to know her name, don't want to know where she lives, don't want to know what she looks like, that's fine, but you basically tell him what you want to know, and if he really wants to reconcile, he will tell you what you want to know.

It is not unusual for a spouse to not want to disclose things. That is an unhealthy response. It is also an unsafe response. You really don't know what you need to know to protect yourself, to protect your family, if you don't get the information you need.

Affair partners are often, neighbors, coworkers, old friends, prior, romantic partners, random encounters at the grocery store, people, you meet on walks, etc. They come from all walks of life. Some of them are bad actors, some of them are completely innocent of engaging in the affair, not being aware that the person that they are engaging with is married.

It does seem to be difficult for many wayward spouses to cut that name up. I took my wife weeks in counseling to cough it up. Even though I had figured out who it was, knew what he looked like, I did not know his actual name. She could not bring herself to say the name.

It may be a number of months before you actually get the full story that you want or need, if you decide to stay together.

- it started in august
- met at a grocery store (saw each other there a couple times)
- she asked for his number, he gave it to her
- they met for coffee to talk about their marriages (apparently they are going through similar marital issues)
- he honestly didn’t mean for it to get where it did, but then they would do things in his car
- he was sick, got rid of her number and was trying to ghost her, but she was threatening him that she was going to tell me

One thing I am curious about is that he won’t tell me who she is. He said it doesn’t matter and that there is no excuse to breakup another family.

I would never say that a WS's story has to be a lie because the world is filled with weird happenings, so yeah, maybe he's telling the truth. The thing is though that WS's do tend to lie and they can be remarkably convincing with so much at stake. Having experienced it myself, I can tell you that it looks very real. Once the truth is out, it's still hard to believe that our WS could look us in the face and lie like that.

I'm looking at your WS's story and yeah, sometimes people do meet in grocery stores, but these are typically single people who are 'on the prowl' for lack of better words, not husbands grabbing some milk and bread or wives doing the weekly shopping. Taken with his refusal to tell you who the AP is, I have to wonder if it's a name you'd recognize if you heard it. Note that he tells you on the one hand that she was threatening him like she's got nothing to lose, and on the other, that she's got a family who she doesn't want to find out. Which is it? It can't be both.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to discourage you. R starts with honesty though, and as long as your WH is choosing to protect the OW and telling you things that don't quite add up, he's not a good candidate for it. That can change. In fact, it's typical for WS's to initially try to control the outcome and then grow into a better understanding of the need to be honest and accountable later. You will have to set your boundaries though and insist on the truth in order to make progress.

Once the truth is out, it's still hard to believe that our WS could look us in the face and lie like that.

Yes, shockingly! It is the lying, not the sex, that is so unbelievable. The lying often is so extensive that you are left wondering why it occurred at all, as much of it is not needed to cover up the affair at all. Much is even unrelated. When my wife confessed about that, it extended to even lying about what she was doing day to day about innocuous things.

9 times out of 10 if a Wzh won't tell you who AP is its because you know them. So I would never recommend reconciling if you don't know who it is. Full transparency is bare minimum to R successfully. If you don't know who the enemy is how can you protect yourself from further lies? Him not telling you is him not protecting you or choosing you. I would demand the name. And proof of NC. This person needs to know you know and it's over and to never contact your WH again. And you need go be fully involved in that no contact message. I would do some investigating. Check your phone records for the number your H has been calling/texting and pay for a reverse lookup. Confirm the name THEN ask him. If he lies you know he's not ready to R.

Note that he tells you on the one hand that she was threatening him like she's got nothing to lose, and on the other, that she's got a family who she doesn't want to find out. Which is it? It can't be both.

This place amazes me as a valuable resource for newly minted BS'S. Collectively, it's like a Bullshit-O-Matic 3000. Feed the bullshit in and let the members deconstruct it to get to the truth. I would wholeheartedly agree wit CT here.

Not me, but my best friend used the number she found in her partner's phone when she went to Ulta. When she gave them the number, they punched it in and said "Elizabeth"? And boom, she knew exactly which Elizabeth it was. And she got Elizabeth's Ulta points, lol.

Such a baller move.