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This is a MH situation but it’s only just been revealed as such recently so what had happened before was…

So my WP left me at the end of July after I found out he had been having an EA with a COW. I found out by checking his messages at the beginning of July and decided to try to reconcile.

At the time of me finding the messages he was sobbing his heart out I’ve never seen him like that, saying he loved me and he would be distraught if we split up.

He blocked and deleted her and said he spoke to her at work and said they were no longer friends and he was staying with me. We started doing more things together and even had sex and I thought we would be ok.

However, a couple of weeks later he said he needed time to think about why he did it etc. not once did he try to have any conversations with me just just stayed silent for weeks. Until I eventually forced him to talk to me. He said the physical side had gone for him and it was too far gone to come back? We had been having some issues surround sex because he never seemed to want it all that much and he would just tell me that he didn’t get the urge. However, it’s not that we didn’t have sex at all. A week after we split he said ILYBINILWY. But he had still been telling me that he loved me up until a few days before he left me.

I then found out 4 weeks later he had gone and slept with the AP 2 days after we split… 3 times. When I found out he said it was finished and he regretted it but, still said he didn’t love me anymore.

Now he’s saying he hasn’t loved me for 6 months but he’s only just realised it? I don’t understand this as before I found out about the A he didn’t say he wasn’t happy at all and he didn’t treat me any differently either. I guess I was hoping this was the fog speaking and he would change his mind but, I don’t think he is going to is he? I just don’t understand how you can say you love me and then all of a sudden you haven’t for months?

Anyway, back in the beginning of July I did confess to him I had an inappropriate interaction with a COW too, but I had only told him that he had tried to kiss me, I’d said no and that I was a little cuddly and flirty with him, however last week I admitted there was some groping on both sides as well and some flashing. Obviously he isn’t happy about it but, he’s not really asked me any questions about it except on the night I told him. Now he’s just saying he is overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to think or what to feel.

Do I just give up on him coming back to me? He won’t do any self reflection/introspection at all he just stonewalls and avoids any convos about us or his A. I guess I just don’t want to believe that he doesn’t love me anymore, I want to believe it’s because he’s still in his fog because he still works with her in the same department so he has to see her everyday. My COW I had the madness with doesn’t work there anymore and had already left when we had the inappropriate interaction. Mine was one night for half an hour before I came to my senses, his was 2-3 months and a full blown A I’m not saying I am any better but, I have done a lot of self reflection and I’ve shared this with him.. yet to get any feedback about what he thinks about it though.

I guess what I’m asking is did any other way wards truly believe they didn’t love their partner or spouse anymore and then after a while realise they were wrong? Or am I clinging to too much hope here?

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 4:05 PM, Friday, October 20th]

MH here as well.

It's very, very common for a WS in an active A to swing wildly from ILYBINILWY to tearful ILYs, and then back again, sometimes in a matter of hours. After the fact, I figured out that it coincided with contact with the AP. My H was having an A with a coworker. He'd come home on Friday in a distant ILYBINILWY mood, and then be all lovey-dovey by the end of the weekend. I'd think we were back on track and then he'd go to work on Monday and come home distant again. We'd have MC on Tuesday and be fine for a day, then right back to it. It was torture for both of us, really.

Rewriting history to "I never really loved you" is also part of the standard playbook. If a WS "never really loved you," then there's some justification for seeking love elsewhere and/or grabbing it when it comes along.

What worked for me was the standard SI advice: Distance yourself from him. Do not pursue him. Focus on yourself. Do the 180. The main purpose of that is to get yourself out of infidelity and begin healing, but it often has the added bonus of removing the "having your cake and eating it too" option from the WS and, lord knows, that helps immensely with the BS's self-esteem. And sometimes it helps the WS wake up to reality.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Make sure you click the link in the beginning of the article, too.

Sacredsoul, thanks for your response.

Since we split end of July he’s not once said he loves me or been loving in anyway. We are in separate bedrooms, we still speak when we are both at home and he says I’m still his best friend but, hasn’t been saying he loves me. Just that he hasn’t done for 6 months and he’s just realised it and that things fizzled out… like we are teenagers and not been partners for 12 years. He’s not said that’s it forever and we will never get back together but, I guess by him telling me he doesn’t love me anymore is him saying that?

He is adamant he’s no longer talking to her outside of work but, I’ve asked him about a million times and he’s not once said here look at my messages I’m not. But, I don’t know if that’s because he really is still carrying on with her or if it’s because we are currently not together so he doesn’t think he needs to prove to me?

I just don’t know what to do. He is the love of my life and I’d love to R but, at this moment in time he is just not willing to. He would rather sell the home he grew up in and not try. I just don’t understand the not trying part, didn’t give us a chance at all.

I will try the 180.

he says I’m still his best friend

Stop being his friend. He's not your friend. He's your husband and he's not being a good one.

Stop hanging out with him or talking to him regarding anything other than household business. Consider him a roommate that you're stuck with at the moment but whom you don't particularly like all that much. That's the vibe.

Stop asking about the AP.

Implement the 180 immediately.

I’m not really being his friend, we still live together so we have to interact when we are both home. We are in separate bedrooms though.

We aren’t going out or doing things together or anything like that, just short conversations here and there.

It’s hard to know how to be when you’ve been with someone for 12 years and partners and now he doesn’t feel anything for me, as he says.

I’ve read the articles about the 180 but, I’m not quite sure how to do it tbh. Do I ignore him completely or just interact politely when he speaks to me? I do try my best not to ask about the AP but, it drives me up the wall.

we still live together so we have to interact when we are both home

No, you don't. You do not have to interact with him. Don't buy groceries for both of you. Don't cook dinner for both of you. Don't do laundry for him. Don't clean his messes. If he's in the living room, hang out in your bedroom. I'm serious as a heart attack: DO NOT hang out with him. Do not be friendly with him. Be polite, but distant. Make plans and be gone, but don't tell him where you are. If he asks, you were "out." He doesn't tell you where he is, right? So it's none of his damn business where you are. ADOPT THAT ATTITUDE. Detach, detach, detach.

I know that it probably drives you nuts that he's so detached and that you'd really like to draw him in with conversation, but that typically has the exact opposite effect of what you want. You will feel better in your skin and actually feel and be more attractive in general if you summon your strength and reject his scraps.
 

I’ve read the articles about the 180 but, I’m not quite sure how to do it tbh. Do I ignore him completely or just interact politely when he speaks to me?

Did you click on the link in the beginning of the article that I shared? It gives a list of behaviors.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/?FAQ=11

I do try my best not to ask about the AP but, it drives me up the wall.

Do not ask him about the AP. At all. Do not have conversations with him that aren't about household business, such as who's paying what bills or when the exterminator is coming. Nothing but business.

Stop being soft. Stop being passive. Stop waiting on him. Take charge of your life.

I haven’t cooked him a meal since August. He’s always done his own laundry anyway. But, I’m not doing anything for him.

I know I’m being soft at the moment but, it’s been a really difficult few months. Lots of revelations which is in my profile. There’s been bad nights of arguments and mental health issues so, I guess I was just trying to make the atmosphere calmer.. perhaps to see if it would help encourage or inspire him to finally open up properly but, nothing works.

I will read the article you posted thank you. I know I need to detach and I have tried but, I’ve found it so hard. I’ll try again!

He does tell me where he is going and he does ask what I’m up to and stuff and I have told him before but, I’ll take your advice and just give him the bare minimum from now on. The only reason I’ve stayed in living room when he is there is because, it’s my house too and I’m like, why should I have to confine myself to the bedroom. But, there is a TV in there so, I’ll do that from now on.

Ok so, I started the 180 yesterday.

He had been away with his family for the weekend, I did speak with him when I first got home. But, not chit chatty just, a few words here and there.

Later I made myself dinner and sat at the table by myself to eat. I then sat and read for a little while before going to my bedroom to relax for a while. After a while I came down to make myself tea and wash up my dinner plates (left his - felt petty ) I then sat in silence for over an hour just relaxing before I went to bed. I didn’t say a word to him the whole time, didn’t even say goodnight. He just sat there sighing a lot and I ignored him. Am I doing it right? Feels so odd to me.

But, it didn’t bother me one bit not having conversation with him whereas before, I’d have been upset thinking why isn’t he at least trying to talk to me. But, I wasn’t.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 6:51 AM, Monday, October 23rd]

Am I doing it right? Feels so odd to me.

But, it didn’t bother me one bit not having conversation with him whereas before, I’d have been upset thinking why isn’t he at least trying to talk to me. But, I wasn’t.

Brava! It sounds to me like you were focused on experimenting with the 180 and its effects, rather than pining for him to talk to you. It definitely feels odd to switch things up like that, but it also feels really good to be in a more powerful position, doesn't it? You changed the dynamic.

Is the COW married?

Ok so, I started the 180 yesterday.

He had been away with his family for the weekend, I did speak with him when I first got home. But, not chit chatty just, a few words here and there.

Later I made myself dinner and sat at the table by myself to eat. I then sat and read for a little while before going to my bedroom to relax for a while. After a while I came down to make myself tea and wash up my dinner plates (left his - felt petty laugh ) I then sat in silence for over an hour just relaxing before I went to bed. I didn’t say a word to him the whole time, didn’t even say goodnight. He just sat there sighing a lot and I ignored him. Am I doing it right? Feels so odd to me.

But, it didn’t bother me one bit not having conversation with him whereas before, I’d have been upset thinking why isn’t he at least trying to talk to me. But, I wasn’t.

I would say that this is a good start. My wife and I went through an IHS for about 2 months and it was a bit of what you described. We were also MHs (although at the time of IHS, I was not aware she was in an active EA/PA) but it was absolute hell. One thing I will tell you is that as a MH, you both carry with yourselves a lot of pain and trauma from being betrayed and there is no monopoly on pain you both feel. One day you will feel wayward, the other more betrayed.

Sacred,

No, the COW is divorced.

Yeah, it’s very odd but, it is what it is. No pining. He’s currently out and I actually don’t care one bit to wonder where, I’m enjoying the space to myself.

Bor9455,

I do feel this way sometimes but, mine was half hour one night and I put a stop to it and never went there again.. I did my inner work to figure out what the hell I was thinking and I’ve done a lot of work on myself, he has not. And I doubt he ever will.

Edited to add: he was offering to make me hot drinks and dinner last night as well, I just said no thanks and made my own.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 3:08 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

he was offering to make me hot drinks and dinner last night as well, I just said no thanks and made my own.

Keep up the good work! I'm really interested to see what changes as you continue with the 180.

I was asking about the marital status of the AP, hoping that you'd be able to throw a monkey wrench into the cogs of their affair. The APs in our situation were both single too, which makes the 180 that much more important.

He says it’s all over between them but, I just don’t believe it to be honest. We are no longer together so, I don’t really understand why he continues to not be honest, what has he really got to lose at this point? Nothing!

She still works with him, same department and it’s a conflict of interest. I did almost email their workplace about it however, it would mean he would most likely get into a lot of trouble, possibly lose his job and I don’t really want to do that.

He says it’s all over between them

Did he bring this up after you started the 180?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 9:56 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

No, this was before.

He’s messaged and said ‘I’ve driven to a mates and had a drink so I think I’m going to stay here tonight’

Load of old shit. I’m so close to exposing them both on social media and causing a shit storm for his job but, I’m trying to be the better person here.

You must chill. 180, remember? Chill.

Don't respond to messages like that. Don't ask him where he is. You don't care where he is. You don't tell him where you are. He's a roommate.

I didn’t ask him anything.

I chilled out eventually, it’s hard to pull myself back out of my emotions sometimes but, I really am trying my best to do the 180.

So, last night I spoke to him about some bathroom repair work we need doing before we can sell our house.

After this we did speak a little about my self reflection work that I had previously shared with him.

He said he’s read most of it (it’s very long ) but that he is going to read it all again because, he kept getting phone calls etc he didn’t want to read it distracted and wanted to give it the respect it deserves. Hmm, we will see.

We also spoke about the difference between guilt and remorse.. he asked me what I meant/what I believed the difference was to which I said "Guilt is how you feel about or for yourself and your actions, remorse is feeling it about someone else and having real empathy towards them" I think this surprised him. He sat there staring off thinking after I’d said this. Perhaps a realisation? We will see.

Anyway, he made me a photo collage for my 30th birthday a few years ago which I’d taken off the wall back in July, yesterday I took out the photos of me and our dog, nephew etc and left the ones of us on it and threw it the garden next to the bins. When he saw this he did a lot of sighing I just ignored it. However, I’d forgotten I’d destroyed other things and left them on the bookcase when he went to put the lamp on he saw them, one was a card full of photos of us and the other was a box of little wooden hearts that had things written on them - reasons why I love him. I’d gotten for our anniversary one year - well I’d snapped them all in half in a rage clearly. I heard him sifting through them and he said "did you have a bit of a rampage last night?" I just didn’t say anything and he came and sat down and just looked really sad. I just said sorry I destroyed your things I did feel a bit bad but tbh I was sick of looking at them all the time. He then brought up about the photo frame outside I just said well, I took out the photos I wanted.. he says but you broke it - I didn’t I placed it outside and one frame fell off wasn’t on purpose.

Later he was saying he wants to get some

DIY done around the house I said "why?" Let whoever buys the place so it - I really don’t see the point tbh? They are small jobs. He said well when I see something broken why not fix it. This actually made me laugh I just said "isn’t that ironic?" Since he didn’t try once to fix us he didn’t like this one, went to bed ha.

Anyway, not doing great with the 180 however, it’s a work in progress and Rome wasn’t built in a day was it? I’ll keep trying!

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 9:32 AM, Wednesday, October 25th]