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Thank you all for your responses. In some ways it's brought a little clarity to the otherwise hard situation at hand. I still don't know what I am going to do. Sometimes I think I want to stay and then a minute later I think the best decision would be to leave. I definitely need more time. I want to bring up the fact that I don't believe it was coercion (because after reading all of your responses, I don't believe that anymore), but I don't know how.

He told me the name of the OW and I reached out to her to ask her version of events. She said that he was lying and he actually came onto her. I confronted him about it and he swore up and down that she was the liar and he never initiated. Like many of you have said before, I really want to believe what he is saying is true. When messaging the OW, I got the feeling that she was reveling in knowing that she "stole my man". She bragged to me that she gave him life and I would always be a boring nothing. She seems very smug and I get the feeling that she is the type of woman to lie in this situation just to put me down and try to make me feel like she is better than me. But I don't want to be foolish here and I know there is a large possibility that WP is the one lying. It's down to me believing him or believing her, but I don't trust either.

[This message edited by kkslider at 4:54 AM, Sunday, October 22nd]

Your back and forth feelings are normal. Trauma can scramble your brain. It's ok to take some time to figure out what you want to do. The 180 can help you detach so you can gain some clarity.

Unfortunately, cheaters lie, and then they lie some more.

Here are some questions that I a for your SO:

Why did he have her phone number?
Why was he texting a female other than you with suggestive messages?
Why didn't he leave and find another place to stay?

If you put the two stories together, understanding both are liars, what seems to be the most likely scenario?

I'm glad you are beginning to understand that cheaters lie, all of them.

Also understand the OW is not your friend, she will lie, too. The truth is probably somewhere in between, they had been flirting the days before, correct? So their perspectives might be different.

There is also a possibility he contacted OW to give her the heads up you will be contacting her to devise a plan to get their stories straight although there are inconsistencies.

I'd also want to know why he had her phone number.

In my situation, OW started out as the aggressor. You know what, it didn't matter, my husband could have shut her down at any minute but chose not to.

IF OW was aggressor, your SO did not shut her down. Poor guy couldn't fight off the temptation.

At this point, does it really matter who the aggressor here was? He cheated and went back for seconds and thirds and more.

I'm so sorry you are here, but glad you have a bit more clarity.

The truth very well may be that both are lying some. He may be loath to admit he came on to her, and she may well be reveling in "one upping" you.

One of my fWH's APs went the other direction and lied by saying they were just friends. (He had already admitted to an EA that included sexting pics and videos.) She almost broke her arm patting herself on the back saying how easy she was to talk to and often others confide in her. Yep. She was easy alright.

I would write the OW off as a sad woman who has to feel good about herself through random conquests and external validation.

However, your own SO shares at least some of these qualities too.

People who cheat are great at lying to themselves and others. Be wary.

He isn't anywhere near safe until he owns his part, digs for his deeper whys, and does work to fix the issues that allowed him to be the kind of guy who did this.

coerce
verb [ T ] formal
UK /kəʊˈɜːs/ US /koʊˈɝːs/

to persuade someone forcefully to do something that they are unwilling to do:
The court heard that the six defendants had been coerced into making a confession.

Doesn't sound like he was coerced. She didn't put a gun to his forehead. She showed him the goods and he bought them willingly.