SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, me again. I have just one more thing to ask before I go for a bit and focus on therapy until I ultimately have another question.

A quick rundown for those who haven't read my previous posts. I, behind my partners back, would post nudes of myself and sext other men online. Never the same man for more than a couple days at the very most.

The nature of the sexting....well, I honestly don't feel comfortable posting the very triggering things they said to me. I was posting online about my history of abuse, welcoming men to come reenact it with me, welcoming men to degrade and humiliate me. They absolutely took advantage of my vulnerable state and I am only realizing this now.

Quite frankly having distance from this behavior has made it finally click how damaging it was to me. I am mostly upset with how much I have hurt my partner, but I am also dealing with trauma from the sexting.

I know not everybody has a great time when they're having an affair but it was truly awful the whole time for me and I don't have the words yet to explain why I did it. My partner didn't want to hurt me sexually and I guess I couldn't accept having sex not hurt. I am haunted by what people have said to me.

I really want to begin trauma work with my therapist, but she is unsure because I am pretty unstable. We are trying to focus on me gaining solid coping skills. It's just slow going. I had a lot of work stress over the past few months with a promotion I (shockingly) wasn't able to handle as d-day happened a month in. I hope now that I am back to my old position I can focus more on myself.

Does anybody here relate to having trauma from the affair itself as a WS, or any advice? It's all so much. It is so much to see how much I have hurt somebody I love who doesn't deserve this, and it is so much to think about the things that have been said to or threatened upon me.

Thanks again everyone for all the advice, I really appreciate it. I have Therapy on Tuesday and am going to discuss my increased suicidality with her. My partner is going to start an intensive outpatient program very soon so fingers crossed it helps him feel a little better. Things are very bad for both of us mental health wise right now, but I have hope it will get better.

Redwood - you are heard. Trying to cope with trauma often involves in behaviors that ultimately are nothing more that re-traumatizing ourselves on ‘our terms’. Even recognizing that you’ve done this sort of thing is tremendously impactful towards your healing. Your empathy for and prioritizing of your partner is going to be very impactful for his healing. Positive vibes for both of you.

redwoodforest,

Does anybody here relate to having trauma from the affair itself as a WS, or any advice? It's all so much. It is so much to see how much I have hurt somebody I love who doesn't deserve this, and it is so much to think about the things that have been said to or threatened upon me

I am dealing with witnessing my BS's trauma, and now that I am not avoiding so many things, witnessing his suffering is traumatic for me. I am here to learn how to process all this.

I have Therapy on Tuesday and am going to discuss my increased suicidality with her.

As sisoon said: Thinking about suicide - call 911 before you take action. Your life is worthwhile. You would be missed. Please protect yourself.

Or you can dial 988 for the National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US.

I wish you the best of luck. Therapy does work and I look forward to us supporting each other on this painful journey. I too have had these thoughts at times, and they are terrifying.

Edited because of my thread jack and to emphasize what sisoon wrote. Moving my original reply to a standalone post.

[This message edited by TasmanianDevil at 10:12 PM, Saturday, October 21st]

First, it makes total sense to me that what a WS does in the A can be traumatic for the WS, especially if a goal of the A is to relive earlier abuse. I think you're making a healthy choice by not repeating what was said to you by these 'men' you interacted with, because repetition gives more power to what you repeat.

Gently, your 'instability' may be due to the trauma. If so, working on the trauma is likely to make you more stable.

Thinking about suicide - call 911 before you take action. Your life is worthwhile. You would be missed. Please protect yourself.

Is your therapist experienced enough to help you? If not, you might get help from the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.

I am going to try to tell my therapist I would like to begin working on trauma as soon as we can. I had to go without seeing her for a bit due to an insurance issue, so I'm very much looking forward to regular sessions again. I think I like her. She's experienced with Prolonged Exposure therapy so that's what we're going to try when the time comes.

I have been okay this past day or so. I am monitoring my symptoms and if I become fearful for my life I will go to the hospital. I am trying to avoid it as it will be my third hospitalization this year alone. Trying really hard to cope with the suicidal thoughts and not act on them and work in outpatient. Financially that would be much better unfortunately.

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

Hi, RWF. I don’t have anything close to an answer for you to your question. I just wanted to say that I’m glad you are here and it’s immensely brave of you to seek help here and in IC. I’m sorry for the early life abuse you endured, you didn’t deserve that. I hope and pray for healing for you and your H. Best wishes.

I think we can and do traumatize ourselves or re-traumatize ourselves in lots of ways. Having an affair is also a way of betraying yourself. Because if you were acting in your best interests an affair would never been the answer.

My journey was different than yours. But what I can offer is that mindfulness, being present, working in self talk, learning to think about and speak to ourselves compassionately takes a lot of actively being engaged in the now.

A book that helped me with this was "the power of now" by Eckhardt Tolle. Not an easy quick read but practicing some of his observing methods did help me with the type of mindfulness I am talking about.

Rising strong by Brene Brown was excellent for shame and vulnerability.

My IC had me write letters to my abusers (unsent), but I am not a therapist and yours can help guide you with the timing of that, if at all.

You are redeemable. Life can be wonderful again. Hang in there and post when you need. Take care.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:39 AM, Tuesday, October 24th]

RWF, I'm glad to see you're still here and still trying. Please take care of yourself. You are more than worth it. And I hope your partner finds the healing and peace he needs.

RWF,

After reading what you wrote I have a question.

1) Although it appears that what actually turns you feel is shameful or embarrassing or dysfunctional when you are not in the moment, it is still what turns you on, have you ever tried to involve or inform your BH in that kind of sex?

I have tried to involve my partner in sex involving hurting me. I have asked him to do things like have sex with me while I'm under the influence, slap me, and call me derogatory things. I have wished he would do far more. He has always refused.

I don't want to live a life where these things sexually excite me anymore. I'm not against sex that involves BDSM that is safe, sane, and consensual. I don't mind similar things. But, without going into too much detail, I am morally opposed to some of the things I find sexually excite me. It has been this way ever since I was sexually abused. I do not want to be this way anymore. Even though these thoughts create genuine excitement and arousal they always lead to deep shame. I don't want to live this person anymore.

I want to engage in these kinks the way an addict wants one more drink. Yes, I want to. I want to so badly. Everything in me screams to give up and give in. I know it will only be bad for me in the long run though. I have no actual, level-headed desire to ever engage in these things ever again.

I know you don't know me or the situation in-depth, I just want to make it clear the only thing I am interested in doing is trying to work on being interested in healthier sex. I have no desire to bring my more hardcore kinks into the bedroom with partner.

Just an update to the situation.

He is not happy with the treatment program he got into. Very surface level therapy and his therapist has said/done multiple upsetting things such as being dismissive of his pain. He's chosing to be discharged early.

Even though this sounds bad, and obviously it's not the ideal, I haven't lost all hope. He has a session with an IC set up, and he's hopeful he'll be able to see her twice a week for now. He has decided to quit his job, and I support him. Money is going to be very tight but we will be okay. He is also trying to get a degree, and he's going to be dropping a class. I have hope that with a therapist who can really get to know his issues and less stressors he can do what he needs to do to begin healing.

We had a really good talk this morning. I feel much more like we are on the same page.

We both have a lot of trauma to work through. We have agreed once we both have had enough time in IC we will go to MC.

I don't know if this relationship is going to last forever, and he doesn't right now either. We both agree that if things do end at this point we want it to be because we've tried our best and it's just not going to work. We haven't done all we can yet, so we're going to keep trying. We both say the ideal is a long, happy life together. We both love each other.

I had therapy earlier this week and was able to manage some of my suicidality on my own, I'm not feeling great mentally but I'm sure more stable than I was previously. Talked to her about starting trauma work soon. My hw this week is to write down every time I feel powerless and what caused it, and trying to do something that helps the feeling afterwards. I've been getting into digital art. I wouldn't say I'm good at it but it does make me feel good in a way to throw my feelings at a screen and see what comes up.

Thanks again to everybody on this forum. It truly has been an invaluable resource.