SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was here in Oct 2012. We went through this roller coaster. After agonizing work I found out he had 8 A over 7 or so years of our M. We worked hard. IC and MC. On our anniversary sept 2013 we had a beautiful ceremony to recommit our marriage to God and each other. IC revealed that WS might have a sex addiction. Fast forward about 5 years and another baby. He had issues and it seemed military releated to his time overseas. He started meds through the VA and seemed to get better. 3 and a half years ago we bought our beautiful house we live it at now. Everything was (what I thought was both of our) dreams come true. My dreams of being a stay at home, homeschooling mom with a supportive husband were there. But trauma has always been lurking. My stepdaughter has wounds from her childhood and mentally went downhill worse and worse. In 2020 we took guardenship of our grandson. Late spring of 2021 WS was offered a 30 day position for work 2 and a half hours away. Work would pay for his living expenses and he would gain skills working at a higher level. If he did well he could prove himself for future promotions. The original agreement we had was he'd come home fri evenings through sunday evenings. He did it and dug into the work. Meanwhile I struggled hard. I was basically a single mom. Sure I didn't have a job outside of the house but there was no one to help me during the week. Meanwhile he'd go to restaurants and sleep in a beautiful hotel suite with relaxing evenings by himself. They extended the opportunity for longer. He came home for shorter and shorter periods of time and said it'd be easier if I would just pack everyone up and come to him some weekends. Sometimes we did but it was tough on me. I started telling him I didn't think I could do this and I wanted him to come home. I was triggering from his first infidelity but also feeling like I wasn't being fair because so much time had past. It was clear to everyone in my family that I and the kids were not WS's priority. I ended up going on antidepressants and the first time I laughed after about 2 weeks on them both WS and the kids turned in shock. It had apparently been that long without a laugh from me. WS pleaded to stay longer. I'd feel guilty at the idea of making him give up such an amazing opportunity and agree to just a bit longer. After almost 6 months he finally did come home. He was frustrated by the job and was glad to be back to his regular office. At times I'd tell him I felt like my mental health was ignored and he'd say, oh well that's why I came home but then he'd talk of his frustrations at being at that post. Life calmed down some off and on but crisis was always there as my stepdaughter spiraled. It was exhausting dealing with her, rasing our grandson who was obviously struggling and acting out (he was 3). Then she met a new guy and slowly, ever so slowly seemed to start getting stable. Hints and words of my being to strict and expecting too much from her as a parent were rough. Sometimes WS agreed with me but mostly he seemed to think she was doing fine and I was too critical. Her and that guy got married and in aug last year. It was also at that time when I thought things were finally settling down that WS signed up for a reddit group for random meetups in ohio. We allowed our grandson to move back in to his mom's and that lasted 7 weeks. She said her husband cheated, he said they had an open M. He showed evidence of her agreement. Who knows. All I know was once again I was dealing with a broken now 5 yr old who was again in shock and acting out. By about Dec things were awful between stepdaughter and us. WS and I agreed she wasn't responding correctly but he also thought I was still too critical. I set up MC for us to help us work through this. Stepdaughter started getting somewhat stable again and in about feb got an apartment near us. We worked with our therapist and allowed her more parenting time. Then she lost her job in march. While not divorcing her husband she also started a new relationship with a military guy stationed in texas. He came to visit, she went to visit him and for weeks it seemed like getting a job was not a priority. Finally in mid april she got a job. In early May WS was getting extremely angry and distant. Little things would set him off. I found out he was not remembering to take his ptsd meds correctly. One day we almost admitted him. He actually went to his VA clinic to possibly be admitted only to be told he was at the wrong place for that. He came home and asked for 24 hrs to try to get himself straight. He slept a lot and the next day was a little better. He asked for another 24 hrs. We worked together to help him make it through. Slowly he got into his VA dr and worked on stabilizing his meds. Then shortky after that stepdaughter said she was losing her apartment. WS said she should live with us. I said no. We've literally had to kick her out 7 times over the years and I didn't have it in me to deal with anymore chaos in my home. WS resented me deeply. My parents helped her get an apartment even though she had burned yhem many times. They decided it was better to help her even if it was losing money, just to help us have stability. WS and I went on a trip together the first week of june for a thing of WS's work. On the way down he told me how much he was tired of being what I wanted him to be and he wanted to be his real self. I cried but tried to figure out how to work on us. Over this summer he had more and more work trips and wasn't home much in the evenings or weekends. The kids got used to this as normal. We continued MC to work on things with my stepdaughter who was again stabilizing in her new job and new apartment. She earned back parenting time and in mid aug, with the therapist go ahead we decided to do a trial of grandson living with her again. Through sept she was late to work, called off and we could see the seeds of her soon losing this job too but she was doing ok with parenting and so we said we'd see what happens. Last sunday life 360 was acting weird. It would say WS was near toledo where he was supposed to be for yet another conference then itd pop to he was at a hotel. Then 10 minutes later itd say he was 200 miles away at the conference. Then to a restaurant near the other hotel near home. He was also later getting home then he said he'd be. I triggered hard. I called him in a near panic and explained that I understand that life 360 looked like it was messing up but that I just needed some safety. He came home and said sure you can look at my phone but couldn't find it. After we finally found it I looked through his messages but only found texts from a friend where he talked about our loveless marriage and how he didn't think we'd make it. I cried and told him I too was feeling hopeless. Monday we fought again but he suddenly took tues and weds off to get things done at home and for us to reconnect. It was wonderful. Although not perfect I thought maybe things would be better. But I still had a growing pit in my gut that something was off. Wed evening he went to the vfw for a meeting. The kids were at awana and I was cleaning. I don't remember what I was looking for but I opened his nightstand and found another phone. It seemed barely used. Only 5 or 6 phone calls and all were very short. It didn't have network access. And nothing else on it. Something was definitely wrong. I realized his laptop was still here. I searched since he was still logged in to his gmail. Finally in his trash I found my worst fear. He has a reddit account to a group for random meetups. Over and over again he was arranging meetups and sending pics of himself (even his dick) to women and saying things he'd never do with me in the bedroom. He even asked about when a local gang bang was. And he had plans to meetup with someone on our anniversary while the kids and I were away at an overnight event. I picked the kids up, took them home with instructions that I wasn't feeling well and needed to go to my friend's. I made sure they were safe and our farm animals were cared for. Then I fled to a McDonald's parking lot to wait for my friend to get her kids situated and for us to meet. From there I literally froze. I couldn't make any decision to go anywhere or do anything. WS called me to check in as we had previously discussed and I told him what I had found. He didn't deny that it was him but said (and is holding to) he never actually went through with any of the meetups. He said he always ghosted at the last minute. He asked me to come home and I said I don't know what to do yet. And we hung up. My friend arrived and we sat in the parking lot because I literally couldn't decide do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to decide anything. I just froze. Meanwhile my phone is blowing up as my older kids start to realize something is really not ok with mom. She never just disapears like this. I would text back simply that I was ok but couldn't talk about it. At that point my friend started managing things and called another friend to come sit with us. We sat until about 130am when I knew my indecision was keeping them awake in a stupid parking lot. I must force myself to make a decision. I had promised the kids I would come back that night so I went home and layed on the couch. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep. My friends convinced me to go get std testing given how much I've been potentially exposed to. I sat in the parking lot of the Dr's office for 30 minutes before my froend coaxed me to go in. I was shaking visibly and was a wreck at the idea of taking my pants off for this. The nurse hugged me as I cried and the dr decided she didn't want me to have to do an internal exam since I had no symptoms. She did a urine test and ordered bloodwork for me to go take. I couldn't do it after that though because WS had encouraged me to get in with my IC and so I went. Then we went together that evening to an emergency MC appointment. Fri I did the blood test and took my boys to a trunk or treat event where my friends surrounded me then I fled home and hid mostly. Sat we again did a session of MC. That night I suggested we watch a movie as a family to give us all a break from this and to give the kids some sense of normal. WS got drunk (which is an increasing issue as he walks the edge of a possible alcohol problem). He goes between he is really fucked up mentally and doesn't know himself even to how I didn't make him feel like more than a worker for me. He has his first IC session on this fri. Yesterday we didn't talk too much. I've barely eaten (my friend keep reminding me to eat a few bites otherwise I wouldn't think of it) and I'm barely sleeping. Today I've promised myself to try to keep life as normal as possible for the kids because they're terrified. WS keeps asking if I'll stay and if I can't stay with him will I at least stay until the kids are grown so their lives aren't turned upside down. But I can't make a decision other than let's see what counseling brings. This weekend my 18 yr old has broken up with her bf and decided to quit college. Now I will say we didn't like the bf and she wasn't doing well with college anyway. My nearly 15 yr old quit her job and hid at my stepdaughter's apartment so "dad had a bed to sleep in". My 9 yr old stared out the window off and on for the 4 hours asking when I'd be home while I went to my sister's to watch a movie and get out some. My kids are in crisis, I'm in crisis and I just know there's more I'll find out WS has done. There has to be more. I don't even know where to go from here. Part of me does want to reconcile and part of me doesn't think I can with our history. What next?

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It seems like he is spiraling and taking you with him. You must stay healthy so you can look after your children. Everything else can wait. This is terrifying for them. I know your world is shattered but you have to keep it together for them.

IC immediately. Meds for anxiety and depression. You have good friends let them help you.

I can’t believe this. I’m so sorry for you and the pain you’re going through. Your WH sounds deeply troubled but that is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour. I don’t think I would want to reconcile with someone like that. The risk for more pain is too great.

today I'm pushing, pleading and practically screaming that I want to FULL truth of everything he's done. And I'm not digging obsessively for it. I want him to tell me. I'm mad and I'm egging him on to do it because I want the bandaid ripped off in one piece rather than slow torturous pieces over time. Please pray

Sorry that you wasted so much effort and time on a POS cheater, and people get mad when I say this, but this is another example of why you don't give a cheater a second chance...

Those who do, are ultimately just fooling themselves, because deep down they know that it is a fools paradise, but will still risk their self-respect...

Again I'm truly sorry that you got duped, and hope you see about yourself now and make yourself #1 priority for once...

[This message edited by Byebyebirdie at 2:52 PM, Monday, October 23rd]

Maybe you need to read up in the 180. Fir your own sanity.

Too many of us have begged for the truth and never got it. Not even close. I hope it’s different for you.

Too many of us have begged for the truth and never got it. Not even close. I hope it’s different for you.

I agree. Instead of begging him to give you information, I suggest you go ahead and assume the worst (that's he's a nonstop serial cheater who has never cured his "sex addiction"). That's probably the truth anyway, and you'll save yourself a lot of time and energy.

He's a serial cheater,who has cheated throughout your marriage with 9 women that you know of.

He's seen your devastation,and he keeps doing it. He did the work. He was supposedly remorseful. Yet, here you are again.

Not all marriages can be..or should be..saved.

At some point, you need to realize this is who he is.

Your username? This ksnt real love. This is abuse.

Last night he gave me access to everything. There's more credit cards that I didn't know about, hotel stays that he used for hookups that "didn't happen or for when he got drunk and needed to sober up because its "cheaper than a OWI" or for when he just simply "needed a break" all while getting so so many breaks. And yet through all of it he still says the worst he's actually physically done was get a blow job in a parking lot? It just doesn't add up. And to see all the messages that I did find last night of him talking to women, trying to meet up, sharing pics of himself and his dick...

I know I should say divorce. But it kills me to think about it. I love him, or at least the man I thought he was. It kills me to think about the kids losing everything. Their lives would be so very changed in every aspect. And it kills me to lose everything I've worked in my life to build. This life I've built depends on him. It kills me that he put us in this place 12 years ago and was selfish enough to do it again. It lills me to think that at the moment where I was working with my dr to drop my antidepressant that I'll probably have to take it again and at a higher dose because I know I'm not handling things well right now. I literally have friends that have to text me to eat and ask what I've eaten. I can't remember to eat? And none of this is my fault. I started us in MC over a year ago. I started myself in IC a few months ago. All to try to find a healthier me and us. He said last night seeing the hotel stays and the credit cards and the numerous messages and all the alcohol...that he didn't realize just how bad it was! Seriously!?!? How? So here I am. Frozen in place again. This time that seems to be a lot of my responses. I just freeze in indecision. And then I alternate with crazy ideas of all that I must do immediately. Like clean the entire house, scrubbed, organized and obsessively keep it that way. Thankfully I have a friend that gently but firmly talks me back to reality.

I just freeze in indecision.

This is a trauma response. You have heard of fight, flight or freeze? Your body & brain don't really know the difference between physical trauma and mental trauma.

Please give yourself some grace and understand that you're "normal" as you can be in this situation. Maybe some TED talks by Brene Brown or Dr. Ramani might help you understand.

Maybe seeing the totals he provided give him a glimpse into the magnitude of what he's done. And you know that isn't all because I'm not buying it, either.

Maybe do some meal prep so you know what you're supposed to have for breakfast, lunch, dinner and set a timer or reminder to eat and hydrate. If you can't get the food down, then maybe some protein shakes or instant breakfast mix?

Please take care of you.

He's not the man you thought he was. He keeps showing you who he is.

He didn't realize how bad it was?

So..had it just been one woman, he doesn't think that's bad. Think about that.

If you consider attempting reconciliation, have him take a polygraph first. I think you will find he's been with several women.

** Not posting as staff **

One thing I've learned in my life (already longer than my life expectancy at birth) is that one accomplishes more when one stays in touch with how one knows what one thinks they know and discards the ideas that aren't supported by reliable evidence. That often requires keeping an open mind, because the evidence one can examine is insufficient. The opposite is to clamp onto the ideas that one likes, even without evidence ... and that leads to mistakes, often big ones.

people get mad when I say this, but this is another example of why you don't give a cheater a second chance...

Here's some insight into why some people get mad:

your assertion is countered by the testimony of numerous people who are very glad they gave a cheater a 2nd chance. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to infidelity.

BTW, one way to be sure to be wrong is to say 'never' in what you advance as a general rule covering a large population.

Those who do, are ultimately just fooling themselves, because deep down they know that it is a fools paradise, but will still risk their self-respect...

And hw do you know this? Where is your data. Yeah, I know some BHs appear to do this, but I'd bet everything I own and everything I can borrow that the truth/falsehood of your assertion cannot be proven. And I know you have no insight into my mind or that of others here who have R'ed with full self respect - and the respect of others on SI. Or off SI (about 4 billion adults)....

To hold onto the idea that people in R 'know that it is a fools (sic) paradise' you have to ignore the testimony of the many people who have succeeded in R - 'succeed' as they define it. In fact, you have to call your fellow members 'liars' with little to no basis in fact. Is that your intention?

My guess is that you've been hurt very badly and have gotten stuck in anger. I know that's an attractive option when you're hopeless. But SI has many members who have split from their WSes and have gone on to lead good lives, just as many SIers have R'ed and gone on to good lives.

You really can heal. It takes looking inside and, often, changing some things about oneself, but it's worth doing the work.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:25 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]