SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, 1st time posting on this forum. depending on when I'm classing DD I am anywhere between 10 months to 6 months on from when my wife and an affair with a co-worker. we are going to couples canceling still. plus having our individual canceling sessions. overall things are very positive. I've chilled back out, she is working hard to get us back together. we have spoken about everything in our sessions and I think I know everything that I want to know. I just can't shake this feeling that I want to shout and scream at her for what she has done. I don't want her to answer or anything. just sit and listen to how she has manipulated, lied, and changed me. I've even written a letter explaining my feelings, I just don't know if it's the right thing to do, or even have the confidence to do it.

This resonates.
3rd time around for me and my WS. Actually making progress this time, as I'm finally advocating for myself and no longer willing to settle for anything less that a 100% real effort. I know that honesty, empathy and calm on both sides is our best chance at success - but validating my own anger and not protecting her from the damage she did is exactly the reality that she needs to experience.

I just don't know if it's the right thing to do, or even have the confidence to do it.

Yes, it's the right thing to do. You'll likely find that you're not really searching for the confidence to express the anger - you're lacking the confidence to be HEARD. Afraid that if she knew how much she actually hurt you, that she would see it as impossible to fix, and that she would just give up and leave you. Alone. Don't protect her from having to face those feelings. She should know. She should see the depth of the destruction. She SHOULD be faced with a near impossible choice, and make the right choice. You deserve all of that.
Get that shit off your chest.
It scared the crap out of me to speak my truth - but I did it. Here's roughly how I put it: "You're surprised that I'm angry sometimes? I know it's probably scary for you to be uncertain about where this is going - but that's not for me to worry about. I'm unbelievably angry at times and I have a right to be. I also love you and I'm willing to empathize with what you are going through while we do this work. But I will no longer eat my feelings - or yours - out of fear of making you uncomfortable. Ever again. YOU did this. YOU are the only one that knows everything. YOU are the only one that knows if you're still lying or not. YOU will be the first to know whether we're going to make it or not. Yet here I am, doing ALL of this on faith, for someone who betrayed me. If it makes YOU uncomfortable to feel uncertainty - just imagine what it feels like for me. The extreme risk I'm putting myself to be compassionate while we do our work is a gift. I need you to understand that and treat it that way."

I hate to say it, but it does take time and energy to work through the healing process. It's very similar to the grieving process stages as you move through to acceptance and rebuilding (though it is more of a cycle and not a neat progression). General consensus seems to be that you'll get about 50% there in 6 months, 75% there in a year, 87.5% there in 2 years, etc., following a sort of asymptotic curve to normalcy. Of course, your mileage will vary with the amount of effort you and your wife put into yourselves and into R.

It's normal to have all sorts of feelings and a need to be heard, and it is good to communicate your feelings to your wife and the impact of what she did. If you can approach it constructively, focussing on the action and impact, as opposed to attacking your wife and having the conversation break down, this can open up toward rebuilding emotional intimacy between the two of you. A letter is a great idea as it can be hard to discuss in person and keep in control. If you do talk with her, just remember there's always a pause between what she says and how you respond, where you can cool off, collect your wits, and reframe to attack the problem constructively if needed (e.g. "what you did really upset me and I feel a need to scream and shout" as opposed to actually screaming and shouting at her).

Suddenlyisee,

You'll likely find that you're not really searching for the confidence to express the anger - you're lacking the confidence to be HEARD. Afraid that if she knew how much she actually hurt you, that she would see it as impossible to fix, and that she would just give up and leave you. Alone. Don't protect her from having to face those feelings. She should know. She should see the depth of the destruction. She SHOULD be faced with a near impossible choice, and make the right choice. You deserve all of that.

Get that shit off your chest.

I love what you write here. I was not given an opportunity for this because it always became about my ww's "ability to get up and go to work each day." It was never about, "how the hell did you (me) get through this and only miss one day of work?" Her feelings were too "yucky" for her to deal with them head on, so we never dealt with anything. I should have gone to IC then, but I was trying to be financially responsible. Big mistake. I was in debt for so many other stupid things, it would have been worth going into additional debt for my own mental health.

SerJR,

I love reading what you write and think long and hard about your words. You write with the confidence and clarity of a human that has been to hell and back. And you write with authority saying this is what you both need to do, these are feeling that may / will come up, and this is a projected timeline of what a BS's feelings will go through in stages. Thank you for this.

I suppose many of us are in the place where we are saying "f that c-word or SOB" and it takes a while to get to the quiet reflection part. I am trying brother, I am trying. I am logging in some "wins" as well.

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 7:01 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

It can be tricky wonday, especially in the heat of the moment, to stay cool. A term I remember reading early on was "Charge Neutral" (take charge of the issue and yourself, stay calm, neutral, collected) and it would help to say that term to myself internally to help recenter myself. It can also help to picture a certain character that embodies keeping cool under pressure, and whom you admire, and to try to emulate that (for example Atticus Finch, James Bond, Aragorn, or whoever works for you).

"f that c-word or SOB"

Lol - you can say that stuff here (well, not the c-word or other obvious no-no's). It can be pretty therapeutic to vent it out if you ever find the need.
But it really helps to reflect and understand what you're truly angry at.
So "fuck" infidelity and "fuck" being a victim.

Wow. Thank you all for your good words of advice. Thats hit home more than you realise and has given be a confidence boost i think i needed. Im changing the way ive worded my letter slightly to reflect more on my inner feelings and expressing my anger while trying not to attack her. Massive thank you.

It's normal to feel anger. It's necessary that you express that anger. And she needs to hear it.

What work is she doing to become a safe partner?

I just read your other posts.
She claims she didn't know what she was doing because she was depressed.

Yet..she was able to take care of the kids, she was able to go to work and do her job, she was absolutely able to do everything she normally would do. Depression didn't cause her to cheat.

As long as this is her excuse, she isn't taking responsibility, and she isn't safe.

Anger is a very necessary part of the journey, I'm not suggesting losing control but after shock wears off and anger sets in you start to see everything in a true perspective. As far as listening she needs to listen to you vent and not be defensive.

I don't think a WS truly gets the impact if they have never been betrayed. I think about my attitude about infidelity before it hit me and I'm ashamed of how I treated it when I saw friends or coworkers cheating.

If she is withholding information, being defensive, or telling you to get over it, she is not a candidate for R.

Hi Coxy9389,

I hope you are feeling a little better.

You ask "will this feeling ever go away."

When I think back to D Day 2009, the intensity of the feelings dissipates. I would also say that your relationship with what you are now feeling will change over time. In my experience, this feeling is an unwelcome companion that you will share the rest of your life with.

HellFire is spot on here:

It's normal to feel anger. It's necessary that you express that anger. And she needs to hear it.

Also don't lose sight of what else HellFire said:

...she was able to take care of the kids, she was able to go to work and do her job, she was absolutely able to do everything she normally would do. Depression didn't cause her to cheat.

And here's my reaction to what SerJR asked earlier in this thread:

But it really helps to reflect and understand what you're truly angry at.

I'm most angry at myself for being blinded by love at first sight and refusing to think critically about what I was bringing my son and I into with this new relationship. I am angry that I completely ignored every early red flag.
I am most angry at myself, and that's not healthy. That is one of the things I am working on.

I was taught there are 2 types of anger.

We can't do anything about one type - we can't change the fact that we've been betrayed. We can't change the the weather. We can't change the past. The best response to anger over things one can't change is to give it up, because there's nothing we can do about it. Keeping it around is a misuse of energy. Alas, giving up the anger is often much easier said than done.

The other type we can do something about. If you don't like something that is going on in the here and now, confronting the source of anger may effect change. This type of anger can change one's life. If you're angry because someone is lying, you can ask for the truth and, often, disengage if the truth is not forthcoming. If you're angry at here and now behavior, you can confront, ask for change, and respond as you choose, whether your request is granted or not.

If you're angry at yourself for past deeds, that's a problem you can solve, by changing your beliefs about those deeds - maybe reframe, maybe forgive yourself, etc. If you're angry at yourself for choices you're making now, you can change your choice OR change your beliefs about them.

Don't waste energy on things you can't change.

Thanks sisoon,

I am trying to reframe my anger at myself towards doing things that are more inline with my self care. And my selfcare does not necessarily have to dovetail perfectly with what my wife's selfcare will look like.

My shitty feelings today have to do mainly with my missing the gym for almost 2 weeks because of "reasons." I am also not journaling as I should be. My other healthy hobby (music) is stuck in the rut. Until I resume doing all of these wonderful things that were working for the past few months, I am being forced to reframe my thinking and address my negative thoughts.

Fortunately while I've been avoiding the gym, I have found a community (here at SI) of like minded folks and now understand I have been just white knuckling it pretty much all alone since both D Days. Until the past few weeks, I had been surrounded by folks that just did not have the context for what we here, especially BSs, have had to endure. Being here has been more therapeutic than exercising, at least in the short term. Having my wife become a member and participate on the Wayward board is an added bonus. It's been very helpful to learn that recovery for a BS is a long and arduous process for both of us. Things may feel worse but in the long run we should begin to feel better.