Episodes like this are why I advocate for physical separation when an affair is outed (not divorce mind you but getting away from each other physically):
He made a shitty comment whilst I was hugging our daughter goodnight, she walked in on our argument and I said daddy and I just needed some space and I gave her an extra big hug as I was upset and she clearly was a bit confused, but he commented, whilst she was there "oh poor mummy" (or something to that effect) in sarcastic tones.
Your situation SUCKS for your children. Period. (I speak from experience as the child - My mom had an A and my parents divorced, she married the AP (after he divorced his wife) and they are still married now - I was a younger child at the time). Before my parents separated - but after the perpetual shit hit the fan, it was awful for a time, feeling confused, worried, and anxious as the stress level in the house was clearly palpable. I recall my dad telling me he was moving out like it was yesterday - I can still remember the crush of the gravel on our driveway as we walked and he told me, and I recall crying. I also recall - not too much later either - going to/from Dad's house, school, friends, and a lot of laughter - and NONE of their fighting. As an adult I have learned that their divorce was not particularly nasty, but there was a bunch of fighting that my sister and I missed, because we were not a party to any of it anymore. It was a relief.
So, if you are "staying" for your child, I would say, especially based on your commentary above, that staying isn't helping your daughter any.
Now, to you.
I had a run of the mill cheater - his lies, his defensiveness, his anger at me/himself/our life, his profound lack of empathy at times - people on here also told me he was not a good candidate for R. They were right. He was not. He continued his A or stopped and then went back, did half-assed "work" but still blamed me in his head for cheating - for years. Only after we separated - and I moved out - did he really start to do the work in earnest. Would he cheat again? IDK. Does he deal with things differently now, after 3+ years of weekly IC of his own doing? Yes.
Yours could end up the same as mine - a different (and better, but not perfect) person. I trust my WH now. We are still not "together" but are kind of trying.
The best thing I did for me was to physically separate. I had bouts of staying super NASTY things to him - deserved? Yes sometimes. Maybe others. Occasionally no. Helpful to our situation? Nope. Getting away from him was easier than implementing the 180 for me - being in his physical presence was too hard for me to keep my mouth shut for any serious amount of time. There would be another fight. I would feel like an idiot for allowing him the grace of my presence. I felt like I was betraying my own moral guidelines by even talking to him. It was terrible. And it sounds to me like you are in some form of the same hell.
So - my advice: Start making a plan to leave - to separate. If you need time to get financially organized, do it. Look at places. See how much it will cost you (or him) to move out and prepare for that. Get yourself in a position so you CAN do it IF you decide to do so. Have an option - you need that for your own peace of mind if nothing else.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:35 PM, Wednesday, November 15th]
