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Today I’m having a triggery day. I had to leave my husband at home alone without surveillance and I had anxiety. I tried to think positive and say to myself there is no need you haven’t found anything in years what’s the likelihood today is the day he’ll do something?

So I didn’t check or call 100 times. They say it’s supposed to eventually feel better to not check but I feel horrible.

Every part of me wants to let him know that I e had a bad day but it will only serve to make him feel bad and I really won’t feel better.
Whenever I feel like this and get triggered I have a wave of resentment come over me and I hate it and become angry that I even have these feeling at all and I blame him!

What do you do with the pain anxiety and discomfort you feel after years? Do you keep it to yourself? If so what do you do then? Wallow? Say affirmations?

What’s your philosophy about sharing with the WS if you’re reconciled?

Some days, like right now, I just want to cry until I fall asleep.

I’m trying really hard to move on and live in a different reality but I’m still triggered and it’s like it just happened though it’s approaching 4 years.

You are a few years into attempting reconciliation. It's concerning that you still need to conduct surveillance every time you leave the house. At this point, you should be more comfortable. What work has he done on himself?

Also, you need to be telling him how you feel. If it makes him feel bad, that's ok. Je needs to know,so je can't step up and find ways to help you feel more secure.

We decided that I have PTSD. He’s don individual therapy, speaks openly about he’s feelings….answers my questions.

This is me wanting a change in me but still feeling gut wrenching discomfort.

I’m asking what do you do or did you do?

The sooner that you embrace that you are not in control, the better you'll feel. You can't control him. If he wants to cheat, he will find a way, surveillance or not.

I took the stance of "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, screw you." Not "Fool me twice, shame on me." Nope. Hell no. I was not going to put myself in the position of trying to monitor his actions. I decided that I was going to extend the gift of trust to him and if he didn't appreciate it - if he screwed up, I'd decide THEN what to do. (That decision came with the help of a good MC.)

What’s your philosophy about sharing with the WS if you’re reconciled?

During the first two years of R, we were taught by MC to be transparent with each other - to share what we were thinking and feeling in real time. We thought all along that we were being transparent, and then this year we both realized that we were holding back a lot for fear of hurting each other. Now we get really vulnerable and share everything, and lemme tell you, intimacy and trust has skyrocketed. My marriage has never been better. It's been a long time for me, though, and that kind of vulnerability takes lots of patience and trust and practice.

Has he given you good reason to extend some trust? If so, try it and see what happens. And tell him how you're feeling and what you're thinking.

Does he know that he's being monitored?

Thanks for sharing.

I guess I wrote too much because people are telling me that I can’t prevent him from cheating again which is something I know. I was never thinking I was controlling him with surveillance.

I am saying as you try to move toward being more healthy and not living in anxiety what did you do to ease the discomfort?

For the WS’s was there ever a time when the BS sharing helped you less or was counterproductive?

When I made the transition, from checking his phone every day, checking his location,etc...to checking occasionally..then to checking to reassure myself, more than checking to see if he was doing anything wrong...

I took it one day at a time. To deal with anxiety I went on meds for a bit. I found ways to stay busy. It got easier every day.

What are you doing then, with the surveillance, if not seeking control? Maybe not control of him, necessarily, but some sort of control over the situation. You're spiraling because you can't see what he's doing for one day. What would a therapist say, do you think?

To clarify: I don't think you're trying to be a controlling shrew. I think you're seeking control over your life after being blindsided.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 12:16 AM, Tuesday, October 31st]

I’m sorry you are still struggling. I think that if your H could go more to help you feel secure and safe, you might have less stress and maybe suffer a bit less.

However if he’s doing everything possible then maybe your PTSD requires professional help and meds.

What worked to ease my pain was having my exit strategy. I financially had/have a plan and $ in my own name just in case. My kids are older now so we won’t have custody issues but I think that helps to ease my anxiety.

Therapy helped me to have confidence in myself and know if I can survive his midlife crisis affair, I can survive almost anything.

I went to therapy to deal with my severe ptsd. In fact I didn’t know I had severe PTSD until my therapist saw me during one of the sessions when I was a complete mess, she was actually considering calling an ambulance, and we started working on it.

There is no miracle, the posters telling you that you cannot control him and prevent him from cheating on you is exactly what you would address in therapy until your brain would accept that is the case.

Therapy helped me accept that and understand/realise that the only way to feel safe was to put measures in place that I could control, that meant that if he’d cheat again I would not break. I’ve also dealt with my abandonment issues stemming from my childhood (there’s also a very good book I recommend you should read called the Journey from abandonment to healing) which were the main cause of my visceral reaction.

All in all there is no miraculous cure, I’m sorry you’re struggling so badly.

Looks like PTSD to me, too. Most people with PTSD can't heal on their own. That's the nature of PTSD, not because any sufferer isn't strong enough or wise enough to heal.

As for sharing triggers, etc., I share. I don't share enough to satisfy my W, but I share my ups and downs. I think it would be hard to do that while experiencing PTSD, though.

My reco, too, is to get the help of a good IC.

Thanks so much everybody- I’ve been afraid of EMDR because I heard that you get worse before you get better.

I learned about TRE. I called a therapist today.

Glad you called a therapist. I hope they can help with the PTSD symptoms. It is very serious stuff. I hope you keep being kind to yourself. I listened to a Forgivenss video today and it helped immensely. I wish we could share that sort of thing on here but I gather it is a violation. This particular PHD out of Stamford made all these videos about forgiving people and the benefits to you of doing so. Whether you chose to forgive or not it is a frame of mind thing. It helped me recover from the limited betrayal I was aware of 8 years ago. I really got better…until he came out last year with the full truth of it having been a full on PA. I am hoping the videos will help again. If you are interested I will PM you the source.

Sorry for the triggers. There is obviously something pretty specific to him being at home alone that really scares you. That wave of resentment and anger you described is really toxic for you probably. Not that you don’t deserve to fell that way but it is hurting you. Hang in there. It is truly shocking how things linger.

Gently, you'll get worse before you get better in almost any case.

Good job on calling a therapist! I hope you get an appointment soon, and I hope the therapist helps you resolve your pain.

I’m so sorry for your pain. It seems you have some unresolved issues. Is your gut screaming at you? Also, don’t worry about him feeling bad, this is his mess, he caused this. When we entered true R after false R I told her to buckle up and be prepared because we were doing this side by side. I expect / demand full and honest communication and I hold myself to the same standard.

Never again will she be able to say "I thought you knew I was unhappy".

This reminds me of myself and I am nearly 6 years from DDay #2. I have my good days and have my bad days and then I have my horrific days. I will say the bad and horrific days are less bad and horrific than they were and I expect they will lessen over time. I, too have PTSD and while I have seen a therapist I am not healed from it. My PTSD from the A exacerbated PTSD I already had and then more PTSD during R from events not even involving the A, stuff with my kids (they are older) so maybe I just haven’t healed and it’s bleeding into everything.

So, on the days I just feel awful he always knows. He looks at my face and says "wait, what’s wrong? No, wait what’s on your mind?" He has changed his language. I eventually tell him. His first instinct is to find an answer. If I say "well I didn’t talk to you for an hour this morning, I am scared you met up with someone or talked to someone" he will show me his phone (he insisted I install Screen Time when we found out about it and what it does) and he will show me his maps or whatever.

Now, I would give anything to NEVER feel bad or scared or suspicious again. But I know that right now it’s not going to happen. It’s a process. I think it’s perfectly healthy to tell him "I didn’t like leaving you because I’m worried". Until you get to a place of not thinking or feeling that way you have to tell him. Realize it may take YEARS to heal from PTSD. I do have meds that take the edge off of the physical symptoms but they don’t shut my brain up! You can try meditating, listening to books or anything that calms you if you don’t want to tell him. Every step we can take towards self healing matters. Yes, a therapist but realize it will be intensive work and it won’t happen overnight. You can find something only you are interested in, maybe a game or a hobby (not gonna lie here I don’t have much of that myself) so I’m fully giving advice I may not take myself.

I see your pain, I am here if you want to chat privately ok.

very part of me wants to let him know that I e had a bad day but it will only serve to make him feel bad and I really won’t feel better.
Whenever I feel like this and get triggered I have a wave of resentment come over me and I hate it and become angry that I even have these feeling at all and I blame him!

I don't mean this to sound sanctimonious so I apologize if this does, but I think there is a lot of value and healing in being able to advise your spouse of your triggeres (preferably in a calm and non-accusatory way), and give your spouse the opportunity to understand what you are going through and understand your perspective and give them the opportunity to provide you with comfort in that moment (as opposed to shame spiralling and potentially escalating the situation). It took a while for my spouse and I to figure this out, but once we did it was such a turning point for us. It can turn something negative (a trigger), into a moment of connection that I promise you, will really diffuse the trigger in most scenarios.

I feel like I'm a broken record for recommending this sometimes, but if you and your spouse have not done so, or have not done so recently, I really recommend you read (or re-read) the pinned post in the Wayward section called Things Every Wayward Spouse needs to know. It's all really great (and I recall finding new bits that I liked every time i re-read it). One section in particular that I will reproduce below really helped as a script of sorts for my husband when he would see that I was triggering.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, "I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again."

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect

moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most

comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

I know a script sounds artificial, but it really did work for my husband and I. When I explained how I was feeling, instead of just being escalated and grumpy and in the mood to pick a fight, he was able to see my out-of-nowhere (to him) bad mood for what it was and avoid reacting to it defensively (which had ultimately led to arguments previously). It also empowered him to have something he knew he could actually DO when I was triggering (a lot of WS understandable struggle with not knowing what to do and being afraid to do or say the wrong thing and make things worse). Even when I knew what he was doing (ie. following the script), it took the sting out of the trigger and typically diffused a situation that would often lead to a fight. Something like, "It so incredibly unfair to you that my selfishness X years ago, means that X is still causing you pain now. I am sorry you are hurting right now and it's my fault. I love you so much and I'm so grateful you have chosen to try to stay with me despite the fact that doing so means pain for you. I am sorry I did that, I wish I hadn't, and I promise you I will never do that again. What if instead of making dinner tonight, we stay home and order pizza and do X instead."

Now instead of feeling resentful and lonely, you've had a moment of connection.

The one thing I'd change about that portion of 'Things Every Wayward Spouse needs to know' is that the WS should avoid trying to read the BS's mind.

When I feel down, sometimes I want my W to approach me and offer something like a hug, and sometimes I want to be left alone. Sometimes my W wants to offer some solace; sometimes she doesn't. After d-day, my W's attempt to provide solace angered me, because she offered what she thought I wanted and needed, and she was way, way off in her thinking.

R requires honest communication. Communications - along with most aspects of a relationship - break down in an A. Partners have to recalibrate their interpretations of what they say and do. It's best to be explicit about what one wants to give and receive - don't give a hug unless one's partner wants one. If one wants to give a hug, but the partner doesn't particularly want one, it's best IMO to ask if they'll accept the hug.

Asking for what one wants is a big step towards healing. Offering what one wants to give is, too. And asking for what one wants helps demonstrate if R is possible - R is unlikely to work well unless the 2 partners' wants fit together well.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:49 PM, Thursday, November 9th]