SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just need to vent.

Five years ago I caught my husband cheating. It was one the worst days of my life. That evening we had a long conversation. When I asked him why, he said it was because I wasn't showing him enough affection. Our third child was not even a year old at the time and I was still suffering from the "baby blues" so of course I didn't feel like sex all the time. He told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me and he was sorry. It took a long time for me to trust him again. Things eventually went back to normal.

Fast forward to last month. A family friend of my husband's is going through a rough time. We'll call her Sally. Sally had a domestic violence situation so we agreed that she and her two teenage boys could come stay in our RV/camper for a while until she found another place to live. Things were going okay.

We had been hanging out on the front porch one evening. I got cold and decided to go inside. My husband and Sally stayed outside, without me, for well over an hour. Kinda irked me. Sally was always hanging out with us in the evenings too and that was irking me.

A week or so later, my husband went down to the RV/camper to help Sally set up the TV box. He was down there for too long in my opinion. Me, being slightly crazy, decided to go through my husband's phone. There was a snap chat message from Sally that he saved that said "And I promise one day I'll be able to shout it to the world. I'm 'SALLY' AND I'M JONATHAN'S GIRL!!!"

Guess what I did? I stormed down to the RV and busted open the door. Sally was sitting on the bed under the blanket and my husband was laying on his side next to her. He jumped up so fast. I said what the f**ck are you doing. They both denied anything. I started ranting and then went outside to cry.

My husband followed me and swore up and down that nothing was going on. I asked him what the snap message was and he said he had been "talking sh*t" to her back when he cheated on me. This was all news to me. He never once mentioned Sally's name.

But here's the thing, this snap message was from a month before she came to stay with us. It had the month and date, but no year. I'm pretty sure if it was old it would've said the year; am I right?

So the next day Sally decided to come talk to me. She also swore they didn't do anything, she doesn't want my husband, blah, blah, blah. I'm not a confrontational person usually, so I didn't say anything about this snap message. I just pretended that I agreed with her.

Last week, because I'm still not convinced, I went through my husband's phone again. Guess what I found in his hidden picture folder? A boob picture from Sally. I went crazy again. Now, I know my husband is a perv and loves boobs. He said Sally asked him if he could grill dinner that night and his reply was "only if you send me a picture of your boobs," so she did.

I sent Sally a text letting her know I saw the picture and thanks for lying to me. She came to talk to me again. Same thing, denied wanting my husband, said she had actually been talking to someone and was planning on going out on a date. I still don't believe her.

My husband keeps telling me that nothing ever happened between them, nothing's going to happen between them, he doesn't want to have sex with her, he loves me and wants to be with me. We've been married for 18 years. He is the love of my life, regardless. I don't want a divorce. I don't think he wants a divorce. I just don't know how to get past this. I just don't know how to stop thinking about this. Sally has been staying to herself in the RV lately, so it is a little bit better. But I just can't stop overthinking.

Thank you for reading. Any advice is welcome.

[This message edited by Torn83 at 5:09 PM, Thursday, November 2nd]

Hi Torn,

Welcome. You are among friends here, who have all walked the road of infidelity. All of us have different experiences, but we do have being betrayed in common. I see that you don't want to get a divorce and would like to R(reconcile). I will say that there are some couples that successfully reconcile, so it is possible, but it is important to note that those are the exceptions. A successful R requires a few things and one of those is that your wayward husband has to be a good candidate for reconciliation.

There are a couple of things that jump out at me that are at odds with being a successful candidate.

1. This is his second indiscretion. Is this a pattern of behavior? Has he not addressed whatever it is that allows him to prioritizes his impulses over your family's safety and stability?
2. I don't feel like you are getting the full truth. He cannot be a candidate for reconciliation unless he is completely transparent and truthful. I feel like you are missing a ton of details. He is giving you just enough information that he thinks you will be able to forgive. He does not get to choose what you get to know about your own life.

Don't be so quick to offer reconciliation until you know that he is a good candidate. Otherwise you are signing up for more of the same. He has already proved himself to be a liar. He is telling you pretty words, but it is his actions that you should be "listening to".

Keep posting, more folks will come along soon. Please do not show this site to your husband. He can use the information we tell you to manipulate you.

Sally needs to go.

Yesterday.

PS: you aren't crazy AT ALL. you're rather trusting and calm for a wife whose husband cheated and solicits boob pics from other women.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 5:38 PM, Thursday, November 2nd]

Wow,

Your WH is brazen or arrogant enough to carry on an affair in your own back yard.

I strongly suspect this is not the second of two affairs, but only the latest of a bunch of them.

Your WH needs to come clean completely, have him write out a timeline, then polygraph.

What survrus said above - every single word.

Kick her off your property right now.

They've been having an affair for awhile.

This DV incident? Unless you were there, my guess is it was a story they concocted, so you would be ok with her moving in.

They were already together, judging by the timing of the snaps.

He shouldn't have snapchat. It's a known cheaters app.

He didn't cheat before because you weren't giving him enough sex. He may not have been happy about it,but there are lots of other choices he could have made.

It sounds like you rugswept the last affair. When you do that, the cheater doesn't do any work on themselves, and they usually chest again. Don't rugsweep.

If he knows you will never divorce him, he will never do the work. Why should he? You aren't going anywhere. He will endure the tears and anger, but he has been shown that eventually you will stop talking about it. Don't do this time,what you did last time.

Sally is wayyyy too comfortable living in your camper in your backyard. She’s so comfortable in fact, she’s sending boob pics to your husband, claiming she can’t wait for the day she can shout to the whole wide world that she’s "JONATHAN’S GIRL".
First things first dear lady. Sally is NOT your friend. She’s an enemy to your marriage. Do you want your marriage to work? Stop believing bullshit lies from your WH and this "friend" - they’re into each other and have been conspiring to hook up behind your back. IF they haven’t already. And my bet is that they have already. See it for what it is. My husband had an A in 2012 - he asked for a D because he was leaving me for this woman. Two weeks later he finally got his head out of his ass and worked on reconciliation and recovery with me. Things got better - MUCH better. We reconciled and healed and we were happy. Then we got lazy and stopped pouring into our marriage. In December 2022 he started texting a female family friend. A woman he grew up with, who’s father and his father worked together; their families had dinners together, played cards together.etc etc. The texting was pretty innocuous at first - then it got flirty, complimentary, he was seeking affirmation and validation and boy did he get it from her. She was a single mother, recently divorced from a horrible serial cheater, and I guess desperate for attention herself. I knew something was up - felt it in my spirit. I snooped in his Apple Watch and found dozens of messages - messages he thought he deleted from his other devices. Anyway I confronted BOTH of them. I thought she was my friend. I demanded NC immediately. Not tomorrow or the next day - right fucking now. This friend had to GO. No contact, block her number, block her from all social media. Do you wanna save your marriage?? Get rid of Sally. Sally can figure her own life out. Sorry but that’s not your problem. Get rid of Sally. She is VERY comfortable in your camper, comfortable on your property. So comfortable that she’s waiting for the day she can replace you as his wife. Time to tell your husband - it’s either me or her. Make a decision. If he chooses her, then he needs to GTFO too. Sally is NOT your friend. You gave her a temporary home, helped her out to get back on her feet and THIS is how she repays you???

Do not share this site with him.

This is your safe place.

I understand you will be tempted. You will want to show him that your reactions and feelings are valid. You will want him to see what the former cheaters have done to help heal the damage they've caused.

Right now,he's in CYA (cover your ass mode). He's lying. He's not remorseful.

Bringing that kind of ws here is a disaster for the BS. All they do is learn how to hide their tracks better, and fake remorse.

Eventually it might be ok to bring him here. But not for several months.

Also..she is lying her ass off because she is trying to protect him. She believes it will make him care about her even more. It's strategy. Just like spending so much time with the two of you,every night. She knows she's interfering. She doesn't want you two to have alone time.

One of the lowest things a cheater can do,is introduce their BS to the AP, and encourage a friendship. Part of the reason they do that, is because they get off on making a fool of their BS.

Shut that shit down.

Lie, Cry, Deny. That's what you are getting. Sprinkled in some downplaying, gaslighting and minimizing. These two are pros and I'd bet my coffee for the week they discussed just what to say/do when they got "caught".

Found lying down in the bed with her, she wishing she was his girl, boob photo. AFFAIR.

Sally needs to go and yesterday. Check with your local jurisdiction to see if she has been there long enough to need eviction papers - and if she does, serve them ASAP.

I have a funny feeling you hit the tip of a very big iceberg.

I'm so mad for you. I'm so sorry.

Regardless of what you do about reconciling with your husband…

That woman needs to be OFF YOUR PROPERTY TONIGHT. There are these things called motels. That is where Sally belongs, like yesterday. An RV is clearly simply too good for her.

What the absolute f%$#

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you may find helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

If she's under the covers and he's lying beside her, whether on top of the covers or not, there is something going on. Otherwise, why wouldn't they be SITTING there, like people do in a normal situation? You wonder if they sometimes think we have "STUPID" stamped on our foreheads.

If Sally is a victim of DV, then there are places that she can go that will help her get on her feet. Not only that, but the DV site may have access to job training and all kinds of benefits.

Sorry that you're going through this. You are not going crazy.

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us. Your WH is lying to you and Sally has to go. This has been going on for a while and this arrangement was planned. You need to get to the bottom of this because there is more to this story.

UPDATE

Sally is GONE. She left yesterday afternoon.

My husband still denies that anything happened sexually between the two of them. I told him I wouldn't get mad (yeah right) and just come clean. He still said nothing happened. He did admit to talking dirty to her when the original affair with the other woman was going on.

Sally text me to say she'd be back this weekend to get the rest of her belongings. So I guess I'm a coward or whatever, but I'm going to send her the text I have already written after she gets her shit. I need to know about this "I'M JONATHAN'S GIRL" snap message. It's absolutely driving me nuts.

She unfriended me on facebook after I uploaded a new profile picture of my husband and I. She told me she unfriended me and she said it was because she knew my husband used my facebook sometimes and she didn't want to be an issue in our marriage. Wow...

Here's what I think. I think she's actually in love with my husband. I think she got jealous of my profile picture and unfriended me. I think she actually thought he would choose her over me. I might be wrong, but that's honestly my gut feeling.

Schedule a polygraph. Have him take the test. If he is being honest,he will jump at the chance to prove it.

Be aware..most ws will agree to a polygraph. Because refusing makes them look guilty. They hope,by agreeing, their BS won't follow through. Always follow through.

Your gut is right. She's jealous, thats why she unfriended you.

I'd be very careful in thinking this affair is over.