SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello! I found this website while researching "surviving infidelity" I found out a week ago of what was going on with my husband and everything that happened during our whole entire relationship and I feel like my world is crashing down, I don’t know how to feel. I am angry and hurt! I havent made a decision on what to do with my marriage and I don’t want to make the wrong one. I don’t know the abbreviations yet so I’m sorry. But at this point my husband has blocked and stopped talking to all of them and he says he wants to work it out and how sorry he is. I am at a point where I don’t believe or trust anything he says and I am still processing what is happening. I love reading all the stories and I hope to make some progress and find some healing in this forum. This really sucks!

Hi, Tink, welcome to SI.

On my way out, but wanted you to know you've been heard.

When you are ready, can you elaborate a bit more about your husband's betrayal? When? How long? With whom? How did you find out? It will give members here a better idea how to support you.

Right now you cannot trust a word out of his mouth.

Please take some time to read the articles in the Healing Library, chock full of great information, and information is power.

Whatever you do, do not share this site with your husband. This is your safe space.

Sending a huge virtual hug.....

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. The Healing Library contains a list of the abbreviations we use, and is a great resource. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful, too. The ICR (I Can Relate) forum has threads for various scenarios, like if there is an OC (Other Child), etc.

Cheaters lie, and then they lie some more. Your WH (wayward husband) broke your trust and it takes a lot of consistently trustworthy behavior over time to get your trust back, and then it is never at 100%.

It's ok to take your time to decide what you want, whether it's R (reconciliation) or D (divorce). We're here to help you get out of infidelity.

If your WH is truly wanting to R, then I suggest getting a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. (I guess there are 2 books with the same title, so be sure to get the MacDonald book.) For R to work, both partners have to be all in. Unfortunately, it is tough work.

IC (individual counseling) for both of you. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, it is very helpful. He needs IC as well to identify his whys. MC (marriage counseling) can come later, after you've individually healed. Unless you get a stellar MC, they can help with blameshifting - putting some of the blame for the A (affair) on you.

The A was his choice. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or didn't say caused him to cheat. He did it because he had motive and opportunity. WSs are pretty good at re-writing history to make others the bad guy and they are the victim.

Also, if there was any physical aspect, you both will need to get tested for STDs. If you're struggling with depression or sleep, ask your doctor for meds to help you through this.

Healing from infidelity takes years, so it's a marathon and not a sprint.

Hi, Tink. I am very sad you are going through this. I know it is not what you signed up for. What you are experiencing is horrible and very painful. Don't underestimate the amount of pain you are feeling now, and what will come up in the future. Although is it normal, it is never desired or anticipated.

If you are like me, I was in agony, confused, and felt friendless and alone. I felt no one wanted to help me or cared enough for me to open up to them and let my thoughts and pain out. Fortunately, like you, I found this website. The people here are wonderful, supportive, and most importantly, wise.

It is good to see your Wayward Husband (WH) has taken the steps he has to show you how he feels and his intentions; however, don't be persuaded by immediate responses. Watch what he does over time. Many Waywards (WW) will put on a good show at first, but over time prefer to go back to their partners or the old ways.

You are right to take your time deciding what you want to do next. You mind is probably still in the blender and your thoughts are all over the place. In time, as your brain unscrambles itself and makes sense of the new information, it will settle down and you can think more clearly.

It will get better. Keep posting, even if it's just to vent. We are here for you. Remember, here, you are not alone!

I feel like my world is crashing down, I don’t know how to feel. I am angry and hurt! I havent made a decision on what to do with my marriage and I don’t want to make the wrong one. ... But at this point my husband has blocked and stopped talking to all of them and he says he wants to work it out and how sorry he is. I am at a point where I don’t believe or trust anything he says and I am still processing what is happening.... This really sucks!

Let's start with:

All of the above is entirely normal. I don't write that minimize what you're going through. Rather, I want you to know that you can heal even though right now you don't know which way is up.

You can't predict the future. Maybe the decision you make goes well; maybe it won't. No matter what, though, if you're not ready to decide, don't decide. Give yourself time to figure out what you want.

My reco is to decide what you want first, even if you don't think it's possible. Once you know what you want, you can work to get as much of it as you can.

Rest assured that you will get onto an even keel again, and what I think of as head (logic), heart (feelings), and gut (intuition) will align on one solution eventually - not as quickly as you'd like, but quickly enough.

Start with reminding yourself that you can survive and thrive, whatever you decide.

I've placed half a dozen threads at the top of the Just Found Out thread. I think they're excellent reads for folks who have JFO, and I recommend reading them.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:52 PM, Wednesday, November 8th]

I feel like my world is crashing down, I don’t know how to feel. I am angry and hurt! I havent made a decision on what to do with my marriage and I don’t want to make the wrong one.

Welcome here little sister.

If you can tell us a bit more about your situation, we'll be able to give you more pointed advice. What are your expectations out of all this? What does healing, reconciling, or divorce look like to you?

Of course you feel confused, hurt, upset, angry, and perhaps even a little hopeful. Who wouldn't under such circumstances? This is one of the most difficult things you can possibly deal with. You have every right to your feelings, and you have every right to take your time to think about what is best for you.

I highly recommend that you check with your doctor and a therapist to make sure you have some professional help along the way. You have to be at your best physically, emotionally, and mentally to get through this. It's often referred to as the "emotional rollercoaster", and you'll find yourself swinging all over the place as you process through the various stages (denial, anger, depression, bargaining, until you find your way to acceptance).

Things have changed in your life and will never be the same. But that doesn't mean they can't get better and that you can't rebuild back stronger with a little time and work.

Keep reading and keep posting.

You're gonna be okay.

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and for all the words of encouragement and understanding!! I will share more details once I’m ready (there was physical cheating and online messages) and my journey as it will be a long hard one I feel. I am going to look into therapy (individual and couples - possibly). I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I will post my story soon. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

Hi, Tink, thanks for coming back.

It is always recommended here to shelve the couples therapy until you are in a much better emotional place. Your marriage isn't broken, your husband is.

You just boarded the emotional roller coaster from hell, it's going to take a great deal of time to slow down a bit.

What is your husband doing to make you feel safe and get the healing process moving?

Going to counseling?

Being transparent with everything, emails, phone, linked in, social media, bank accounts, etc.

Accountability for his whereabouts at all times.

Reading books.

Is he completely remorseful and not defensive? It's going to take YEARS to move past infidelity if you decide you want to R, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and your husband has to do most of the heavy lifting. He created this mess, if he is truly remorseful, he will do whatever it takes including a willingness to answer your questions ten times over if necessary.

How many women were there?